[JOKE] Lexophile - some examples of...

Legatus_Legionis

< BLAH HA Ha ha >
For those who love puns and a play on words...

"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish"
"To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and ail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
 

Dannyalcatraz

Moderator
Staff member
An oldie but a goody:
There was this married guy that didn’t get along well with his wife and wanted to get rid of her. He couldn’t divorce her because it was a community property state and he didn’t want to give her anything.
He didn’t know what to do, but one day he was explaining his problem to a guy he knew at the gym who was in the Mafia. The Mafia guy asked if he had thought about murdering his wife. The guy explains he wouldn’t have the guts to do that. So the Mafia guy says to just hire a killer. The married guy says he wouldn’t know how to do that, and the Mafia guy says he’ll send around his personal hit man and do it as a favor.
So, pretty soon the married guy meets up with the Mafia hit man named Arthur, but he prefers just “Artie.” He says he would be glad to rub out the guy’s wife and would do if for free as a favor. The married guy says that wouldn’t be fair because Artie is a professional and he should be paid for his work. So the hit man says, “If that’s so important to you, then just pay me a dollar.”
So the hit is arranged. Artie explains that he will follow the wife until she’s at the grocery store. He says that is the perfect place because he can find a deserted aisle and there will be no witnesses. He explained that he just strangles the victim because then there is no noise or blood or any murder weapon to tie him to the crime. With no witnesses, it is a perfect crime.
So the hit man follows the wife to the grocery store and waits until she is in a deserted aisle and grabs her and strangles her. Just as he’s finishing, a clerk comes out of the back room and sees him. Since he can’t have any witnesses, he strangles the clerk too. But, by then, a shopper comes into the aisle with her cart. So, the hit man has no choice but to strangle her too. But, by then, he’s spent too much time in the store and the cops arrive and he’s arrested.
The next day the newspaper headline reads, “Artie chokes three for a dollar at Safeway.”
 

Dannyalcatraz

Moderator
Staff member
Here’s one variation on a seasonal one:

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
 

Blue

Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
A fake psychic used her tiny stature to escape out a restroom window during her fraud trial - police have issued an APB for a "small medium at large"...
They finally caught her and all of the police were upset that she looked down on them all. They locked her up but she was able to scale down the wall. When they caught sight of this the warden exclaimed: Condescending con descending!
 

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