From the archives and for old time's sake, per Piratecat's request . . . (I hope Eric's Grandmother doesn't mind a certain phrase . . .)
-------------------
Those of you who have been taking notes know that the first lecture in the Ass-Sucking series is entitled, roughly,
"Where in the hell did you get that character name? It sounds like something from a Robert Jordan book. Loser."
Admittedly, the title could use trimming, but your Esteemed Lecturer has one too many Bloody Marys in him to worry about that right now.
The point is, there are three basic ways in which to mangle a perfectly good name, and expose yourself to contempt, ridicule, and (hopefully) beatings. Which you deserve, because you suck ass.
1) Replace some, most, or all of the vowels in the words with "Y's".
2) Spell perfectly good words in an extraordinarily stupid way. A great way to start is to replace single vowels with pairs or triplets of vowels. Favorites include "ae", "ii", "uu", "aia", "aie", "ion", and "aeaiaiaiaieaeaa".
3) Spell completely made-up words with strings of mostly vowels and/or apostophes. Italicize them if possible, and make them long, long, long.
We'll start with examples from the Master of Dumb Names, Robert Jordan, and move on from there.
Now, let's look at some specific combinations of the above rules.
For instance, note Jordan's expert application of Rule #2:
"Julian" becomes "Juilin"
"Tom" becomes "Thom"
"Brigit" becomes "Birgitte"
"Samuel" becomes "Sammael" (note the expertise use of the "ae" substitution)
"Grendel" becomes "Graendal" (once again, the "ae" touch is wonderfully and painfully applied)
"Elaine" becomes "Elayne", because everyone likes "Y's".
And Rule #3:
"Elaida do Avriny a'Roihan". The only way this name could possibly be improved is with another "y" or two.
"Tel'aran'rhiod" (italicized). I was dissapointed not to find at least one "y" in there, but it was a good effort nonetheless.
Other good general examples include:
"Aiel". Painful.
"Nynaeve". Couldn't he have squeezed another "y" in there?
Of course, as we all know, the Mind-Dribble Fantasy Naming Disease is hardly limited to Robert Jordan. In my day I have seen such mutations as these:
Raevynn. I expect that this was originally "Raven". Someone who would spell a name in this way clearly deserves a thrashing.
Fayredeth. Was this original "Fairy-Death" or "Fire-Death"? It's difficult to say, but the bastardization here is excellent.
Eiwydh. Hell, I don't even know how to pronounce it.
Liriel Baenre. Note the expert use of the "iel" that all elf-lovers like to tack onto names. And the use of the "ae" letter pair is textbook.
Vympyre Twylyght. Why not speed things up and change your name to "Bitch-slap me, now, please"?
Of course, if you're too lazy to do the vowel substitution or the "Y" substitution, you can settle with tacking two words together that seem kind of medieval or poetic. Throw some vaguely violent or tough word in front of it, and there you go: instant Mind-Dribble Fantasy name. (Of course, substitutions after the fact only make the name stronger.)
Try it! I will, right here.
Storm Battleblade
Fyre Windhope
Granite Mountynblast
Morningstar Hammersword
Flatulence Piratecat
Fun for the whole family.
Now, I know you're wondering, what makes a GOOD name? A good name is something that isn't a regular old real-world name, but also clearly isn't something that is likely to appear in the kind of fantasy books written to appeal to twelve year olds. You know, something with *style*. We have some great examples on these very boards:
Teflon Billy
Caliban
Wippit Guud (at first, this seems to follow the "dumb name" rules, but the pun is worth it)
Forrester (duh)
Fajitas
Grumpy Dwarf (straight and to the point)
Schmoo
Wisp
tec7813
Now, I know what you're thinking -- you just picked these names because you like the posters. You couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, it is safe to say that I am filled with hatred towards the vast majority of them. Their posts are insipid and dull, and should be deleted (much like this thread will likely be) immediately by the Grand Poobah himself, EricNoah. (Incidentally, both "Grand Poobah" and "EricNoah" would make excellent character names.) But that is beyond the point. Regardless of their general level of doltishness, the above users have EXCELLENT names, and should be applauded for them.
Follow their example, and you will not suck ass. What better advice can be given?
Any quystyons? If not, we'll move on to why the Drow suck ass. But first I need to hit the sycke and sleepe this offe.
Forrester
-------------------
Those of you who have been taking notes know that the first lecture in the Ass-Sucking series is entitled, roughly,
"Where in the hell did you get that character name? It sounds like something from a Robert Jordan book. Loser."
Admittedly, the title could use trimming, but your Esteemed Lecturer has one too many Bloody Marys in him to worry about that right now.
The point is, there are three basic ways in which to mangle a perfectly good name, and expose yourself to contempt, ridicule, and (hopefully) beatings. Which you deserve, because you suck ass.
1) Replace some, most, or all of the vowels in the words with "Y's".
2) Spell perfectly good words in an extraordinarily stupid way. A great way to start is to replace single vowels with pairs or triplets of vowels. Favorites include "ae", "ii", "uu", "aia", "aie", "ion", and "aeaiaiaiaieaeaa".
3) Spell completely made-up words with strings of mostly vowels and/or apostophes. Italicize them if possible, and make them long, long, long.
We'll start with examples from the Master of Dumb Names, Robert Jordan, and move on from there.
Now, let's look at some specific combinations of the above rules.
For instance, note Jordan's expert application of Rule #2:
"Julian" becomes "Juilin"
"Tom" becomes "Thom"
"Brigit" becomes "Birgitte"
"Samuel" becomes "Sammael" (note the expertise use of the "ae" substitution)
"Grendel" becomes "Graendal" (once again, the "ae" touch is wonderfully and painfully applied)
"Elaine" becomes "Elayne", because everyone likes "Y's".
And Rule #3:
"Elaida do Avriny a'Roihan". The only way this name could possibly be improved is with another "y" or two.
"Tel'aran'rhiod" (italicized). I was dissapointed not to find at least one "y" in there, but it was a good effort nonetheless.
Other good general examples include:
"Aiel". Painful.
"Nynaeve". Couldn't he have squeezed another "y" in there?
Of course, as we all know, the Mind-Dribble Fantasy Naming Disease is hardly limited to Robert Jordan. In my day I have seen such mutations as these:
Raevynn. I expect that this was originally "Raven". Someone who would spell a name in this way clearly deserves a thrashing.
Fayredeth. Was this original "Fairy-Death" or "Fire-Death"? It's difficult to say, but the bastardization here is excellent.
Eiwydh. Hell, I don't even know how to pronounce it.
Liriel Baenre. Note the expert use of the "iel" that all elf-lovers like to tack onto names. And the use of the "ae" letter pair is textbook.
Vympyre Twylyght. Why not speed things up and change your name to "Bitch-slap me, now, please"?
Of course, if you're too lazy to do the vowel substitution or the "Y" substitution, you can settle with tacking two words together that seem kind of medieval or poetic. Throw some vaguely violent or tough word in front of it, and there you go: instant Mind-Dribble Fantasy name. (Of course, substitutions after the fact only make the name stronger.)
Try it! I will, right here.
Storm Battleblade
Fyre Windhope
Granite Mountynblast
Morningstar Hammersword
Flatulence Piratecat
Fun for the whole family.
Now, I know you're wondering, what makes a GOOD name? A good name is something that isn't a regular old real-world name, but also clearly isn't something that is likely to appear in the kind of fantasy books written to appeal to twelve year olds. You know, something with *style*. We have some great examples on these very boards:
Teflon Billy
Caliban
Wippit Guud (at first, this seems to follow the "dumb name" rules, but the pun is worth it)
Forrester (duh)
Fajitas
Grumpy Dwarf (straight and to the point)
Schmoo
Wisp
tec7813
Now, I know what you're thinking -- you just picked these names because you like the posters. You couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, it is safe to say that I am filled with hatred towards the vast majority of them. Their posts are insipid and dull, and should be deleted (much like this thread will likely be) immediately by the Grand Poobah himself, EricNoah. (Incidentally, both "Grand Poobah" and "EricNoah" would make excellent character names.) But that is beyond the point. Regardless of their general level of doltishness, the above users have EXCELLENT names, and should be applauded for them.
Follow their example, and you will not suck ass. What better advice can be given?
Any quystyons? If not, we'll move on to why the Drow suck ass. But first I need to hit the sycke and sleepe this offe.
Forrester
![:]](http://www.enworld.org/forum/images/smilies/devious.png "Devious :]")
