Orc and Pie archive?!


Hey all!
Does anyone happen to have a copy (or a working link) of the old, old "Orc and Pie" bit originally from Nutkinland that involved people posting their version of the Orc and Pie adventure as DM'd by certain celebrities? In particular the Quentin Tarentino and Christopher Walken versions.
Any help would be appreciated!
Reply here or email directly: mmckalips netscape net

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I've asked around before to no avail :(

The only one I have left is my own 'Whose Pie Is It Anyway?':

DM: Our next game is for Greg, Colin, and Ryan - it's called 'Film and Theatre Styles'.
[cheering from audience]
DM: I'm going to give them a scene to play out. But from time to time, I'll buzz them, and they'll have to carry on the scene in the style that I give them. What I need from you all are some ideas for some film and theatre styles they can use.
[much shouting ensues]
DM: World War II movie... Scooby-Doo... French Farce... Mime?
[Ryan winces; Greg looks horrified]
DM: ... Sesame Street... Academy Awards ceremony... okay, that's probably enough there. The scene I'd like you to play - Ryan and Colin are adventurers in a dungeon. Greg is an orc with a pie, that Ryan and Colin want. Go.
Colin: Boy, oh, boy! All that adventuring sure made me hungry!
Ryan: Yeah, I know what you mean. And we ate the last of our rations already!
Colin: Maybe there'll be some food behind this door!
Greg: Grahr! Me have pie!
Ryan: Well, you were right about the food, but...
DM: Academy Awards ceremony.
Greg: Grahr! The Pie award is given each year to an adventurer who displays the qualities of bravery, perseverance, and a high body count. This year's nominees are... Mialee the Wizard; Trogdor, the Burninator; Ryan the Barbarian; and Hairless Colin.
[Colin nods resignedly]
Greg: And the winner is... Ryan the Barbarian!
[Ryan comes forward to accept his award]
Ryan: This is so unexpected! I'd like to thank...
DM: Sesame Street.
Ryan: I'd like to thank the orc for sharing his pie with us. I think it's really nice that people, and monsters, and birds can all get along.
[Colin looks around]
Colin: What are you talking about, Big Bird? There's no orc. Are you still pretending you have a friend that nobody else has ever met?
[Ryan looks around as well; Greg is hiding]
Ryan: But... he was right here! He gave me this pie! Ohhhh! Nobody ever believes me. Orc? Orc!
DM: Scooby-Doo.
Colin: Hey, Scoob! Do you smell what I smell?
Ryan: Rot's rat, Rhaggy?
Colin: It's, like, pie! Look! Over there!
[Colin leans over and mimes eating a pie; Greg creeps up behind him; Ryan whines and starts shaking]
Colin: What is it, Scoob?
[Ryan pulls faces, waves his arms menacingly, and imitates Greg's glasses with his fingers, then points behind Colin; Colin turns around]
Colin: Zoiks!
Greg: Grahr!
Colin: A monster!
[Wayne creeps up from behind Greg and trips him over]
Wayne: All right, mister orc - let's see who you really are!
Colin, Wayne, and Ryan: [gasp] Drew Carey, the Comedian!
Greg: And I would have got away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
[audience applauds]

DM: This next game is for Wayne Brady. I'll need a volunteer from the audience... how about... you, sir. What's your name?
Audience Member: I'm Monte.
DM: And what do you do?
Audience Member: I'm a game designer.
DM: Okay, come up here... Wayne, this is Monte, the game designer.
Wayne: Hey, man.
DM: Okay. Wayne is going to sing a song about Monte the game designer, with the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor...
[audience cheers]
DM: ... in the style of... Michael Jackson.
[Monte looks uncertain as Wayne seats him in a chair and stands behind him; Wayne mimes pulling a hat down over his eyes and stands still until the music starts]
Wayne: Oooooh!
[Wayne spins in place]
Wayne: Ooh-hoo! They call him Monte; you've heard the name. He's the man behind... your favourite game. In the industry, he's head of the line. Monte's the King (ooh!) of Game Design! They call him Monte... ooh! They call him Monte... ooh-hoo! He used to be a Wizard... now he's working for himself. I got Malhavoc products, sitting right there on my shelf. He's won a lot of ENnies; his name's on all the books. This is one designer... who really, really Cooks!
[Wayne Moonwalks while Laura and Linda play; audience cheer and whistle]
Wayne: They call him Monte... They call him Monte... they call him Moooo-on-teeeee...!
[Wayne shakes Monte's hand while the audience applauds]

DM: We're going to finish with one last game for everyone; it's a Hoedown!
[audience applauds as DM moves to take his place in the line and Greg sits down at the table]
Greg: Okay... tonight we have the 'Orc and Pie Hoedown'.
[Laura begins Hoedown music on the piano]
Wayne: Orcs have stolen all the pies and now there's none to eat. I am out of luck whenever I feel like a treat! I figure I could buy some back if I had enough money; so I've started taking off my clothes...
[mimes taking off shirt; women in audience cheer]
Wayne: ... they call it the Full Monte!
[DM doubles over laughing, and Laura needs to play a few extra bars until he's ready]
DM: The adventurers these days are all about the loot; whe-en I was young, we didn't give a hoot. We'd play for hours and when we fought orcs some of us would die... but that didn't matter, as long as we got PIE!
[DM and Wayne link arms and dance around in a circle]
Colin: I like pie. I really really do. I really really really really really really do. One thing I wonder, though - I hope I find out soon - is how did the orc, get inside that room?
Ryan: I was in the dungeon, just the other day. My pie was guarded by an orc, things just didn't go my way. The orc had a greataxe, he was big and scary... but at least he wasn't, as ugly as Drew Carey...
Wayne, DM, Colin, and Ryan: ... as ugly as Drew Careeeeee-ey...!



Good lord, I've found them in Wayback Machine.

Copy paste copy paste copy paste.

Quentin Tarentino
M. Night Shylaman
Kevin Smith
Dr. Laura
Marvin Gaye
James Brown
Dr. Seuss
Gary Gygax
Lisa Simpson
Jack Chick
Christopher Walken
Edgar Allen Poe
mother of a small child
George Lucas
Chuck Jones

Ozzy Osbourne
Bob and Doug McKenzie
cast of Gilligan's Island
adult film stars
Chris Carter

Last edited:


Note - some of these will be heavily profanity-filtered.


Quentin Tarentino
by Akunin Chan

Quentin "OK, dig this, man. You mother:):):):)ers are in a five-foot-wide corridor beneath the Fane of the Unholy."

Player 1 "The WHAT of the Unholy?"

Quentin "Fane."

Player 1 "What's a Fane?"

Quentin "You know what a temple is, right?"

Player 1 "Yeah. It's a big church."

Quentin "Exactly. A fane is the same thing."

Player 2 "Then why not just call it a church?"

Quentin "In America, where WE are, WE call it a church. In the Middle East, they call it a Mosque. THIS is Greyhawk, so it's a Fane."

Player 3 "Do you know what they call a Fane in France?"

Players have a good laugh. DM is not so pleased.

Quentin "Alright, so you're walking down this corridor, and it's a wide shot and, oh, I don't know - I've already used 'Miserlou', so how about 'Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress' or something. And then the scene cuts to a low angle looking up at each Player-Character and there's this font that's like all Elf-like, but still 70's retro, right?"

"And the camera pauses and it's *BAM* Bruce Campbell as Regdar the Fighter then it cuts to another freeze-frame of Mialee and *BAM* Liv Tyler splashes across under the Wizard's name. Then we see Grace Jones and just as we're thinking 'Oh, :):):):), where has SHE been?' it's *BAM* Grace Mother:):):):)ing Jones as Mister Ember. Well, you get how it goes, right'"

"At the end of the hall is a door, and you carefully open it and step inside. The camera pans around, like that shot they did in Yojimbo, and then we get to the action."

"You are in the doorway of a ten-foot by ten-foot stone chamber. It's like a scene out of Don't Look In The Basement except instead of crazy inmates, you see the biggest and baddest Orc you've ever laid eyes on. This is the King Kong of Orcs, the Alpha Male, the Top Dog. Not one of those pansy-assed John Wick Orcs, this guy is the REAL DEAL. He's holding a wicked-looking axe in one hand, and in the other, he's got a pie."

Player 1 "A pie?"

Quentin "Pie, mother:):):):)er. Do you speak it?"

Player 2 "Ooooo-kay... WHAT kind of pie is it?"

Quentin "Funny thing about pies, now that you ask. This pie just so happens to be cherry. Not that :):):):) you get in the can, I'm talkin' about fresh picked from the tree and baked up like Grandma used to do it. Real, honest-to-god American Cherry Pie. Like in that Warrant Video. Remember that song, came out in like the late 80's?"

Player 3 "I charge and attack the Orc."

Player 1 "I'm going to cast Magic Missile."

Quentin "Excuse me, but I believe I have a metaphor to relate before we roll initiative. I don't think I need to tell you what the 'Cherry Pie' in the song stood for. Bobbie Brown and the guys in the video made that pretty clear. It's all about p:):):):). But not just any p:):):):). Sweet, virgin p:):):):). It's every young man's dream, and because of THAT, it represents the American Dream. To be the first one to climb that mountain, to cross that river, to defeat the dragon - metaphorically speaking. And these guys in the video are all singing about it - that she's their cherry pie and :):):):). But she just keeps dancing around in front of them, flirting with them and teasing them, swinging her hips and giving them the 'If you want this, you'll have to come and get it' looks. And what happens then?"

Player 2 "We roll initiative?"

Quentin "NO! She drops the pie, and it falls to the floor and is ruined. It's no longer cherry pie, it's a mess that nobody wants to clean up. And THAT is the truth of the American Dream. That small-town girl with the Warrant posters on her bedroom wall who went to see them in Biloxi, the one who they picked out of the crowd and had security take backstage for the 'after party in the tour bus' - that sweet virgin girl who's suddenly confronted with HER dream of having Jani Lane make her a woman - THAT is what I'm talking about. She saved the money she got from mowing lawns to buy her ticket, and a concert T-Shirt, and that brand-new denim jacket with the leather fringes on the sleeves JUST FOR THIS SHOW. She drove 100 miles to see Warrant and now she's waiting BACKSTAGE for them."

"THAT is what the cherry pie represents! She's the cherry pie - pure and virginal, and everybody wants a piece. But to her, the BAND is the pie - it's the object of her desire - her dream. And when the two - Warrant and this young lady about to blossom into womanhood - come together, I don't need to tell you what happens. Physics tells us what happens, man - you can't have two Cherry Pies occupying the same physical OR metaphorical space, so you get what?"

Blank stares.

"A disaster. A train wreck. This girl has sex with Jani Lane, thinking it's going to be the best thing in her young life. She realizes what a mistake she's making halfway through, and when it's all over, she's getting kicked off the bus, and they're throwing her shoes and her jacket onto the pavement after her. Because the American Dream is just that - a dream. You can see it, but you can't taste it, and when you try to grab it, it leaves a mess on the floor."

"And THAT, as they says, is THAT. Roll initiative."

Player 3 "Hey, Quentin, it's kinda late. We've gotta go. Sorry..."

Quentin "Oh, no problem man. Don't apologize. Let's see - your characters started this campaign at third level, right? So how about next week we run a session that sort of 'goes forward in time' to show what they're like at, say EIGHTH level, then we'll come back to the Orc and the Pie?"

Player 2 "You know, I have a copy of Feng Shui at home that I'll bring next week. I think it's a lot more your speed than D&D..."


M. Night Shylaman
by Vuron

DM- Ok guys, ready to get started? Got everything ready?

Players (Chorus)- Yep!

DM- Ok let's recap the characters, before we get into this session, we have the muscular yet balding fighter/cleric who is trying to get his life back together after a horrible trauma played by everyone's favorite balding actor, Bruce Willis. The Rogue/Sorcerer is a young boy searching for his place in the world despite being gifted with powers of extrasensory perception, of course played by Haley Joe Osment. The Wizard is a crotchety old black man with easily shattered bones and a bad attitude, played by none other than Samuel L Jackson. Did I forget anyone?

Female Player- You forgot my character!

DM- Uh, sorry about that you're playing a nurturing mother to our young rogue who despite being overly cautious and protective is fundamentally secondary right?

Female Player- Uhh I guess so?

DM- Anyway you guys are headed down the dark twisting corridors of a old abandoned dungeon, Haley's character needs to make a DC 15 will save to not be frightened by the shade of past residents horribly murdered.

Kid- Damn I hate being able to see dead people! (Rolls Dice) Damn a 12!

DM- Your breath gets cold as you witness the image of a young woman, she's holding a freshly baked apple pie in her hands but when she takes a bite she proceeds to vomit.

Kid- Uhh guys, let's try not to eat any pies ok?

Baldie- Sure thing kid.

Black Man- What type of pie was the ghost holding Haley?

Kid- An apple pie.

Black Man- Most curious, did you know that apple pies are an invention of the halfling tribes that passed through this area? Yes legend has it that 400 years ago an industrious halfling tribesman chanced upon the wonderous idea of baking apples and sugar into a rich pastry dough, thus inventing the apple pie.

2 hours later with nothing much occurring the party stumbles across a large door painted red, upon opening the door they find a villainous orc standing there with a fresh apple pie. The heroes desperately work to defeat their foe and capture the prize when a totally unexpected plot occurance happens that in retrospect you should've anticipated.

DM- Just so you guys can follow along and notice all the clues that were left in the course of the adventure I'm going to be rerunning this scenario next week for you.


Kevin Smith
by Billy Beanbag

Player 1: "...okay so I've got this chick :):):):)in' bent over the counter in the inn and I'm slappin' her ass, and everybody's watchin' right?

Player 2: "..."

Kevin Smith: "No, Jay you're in an underground tun-"

Player 1: "Like the :):):):)in' SEWERS! I didn't sign up for no :):):):)in' sewer crawl, this :):):):)'s jank! Right Bob?

Player 2: "..."

Kevin Smith: "Bob your Dwarf can see down the tunnel, and there appears to be a woman at the end of your range of vis...

Player 1: "Holy :):):):) Bob! You never told me nuthin' about no fine-lookin' ladies chillin' in the sewers! I dash up to her and slip her my tongue while I fondle her ass! Hahaa!...<snip>"

Player 2: "......Uhh Ja-"

Kevin Smith: *shakes his head, grinning*

Player 2: ".... *nods smiling*..."

Player 1: "...<snip>... so I'm gonna straight-out bull rush her and slip her the tongue before she can fight me the :):):):) off!"

Player 2: "Actually Jay, it is impossible for you to take all of those actions in one single round, Bull Rushing is a separate action from Grappling, which I am assuming Kevin would rule your tongue grab attempt as. Both of them invoke attacks of opportunity, and she's more than 30 feet away, which means your only action is a bull rush."

*Stunned silence*

Player 1: ":):):):), that's not right, I can cold up Bull-rush-tonsil-tumble a woman any day! I do it all the time, and I don't get's no 'ttacks of opportunity! :):):):) Bob, ease off!"

Kevin Smith: "What do you call a slap!?"

Player 1: "Hard-to-Get!" *snicker, slaps Bob on the shoulder and they both laugh.*

Kevin Smith: "As you charge the woman you see that her skin is greenish and she has a pig-like snout, her eyes light up as you hurtle towards her at superhuman speed. It is only at the last moment that you notice her pie-"

Player 1: "Holy :):):):)! Bob! I'm gonna get me some PIE!!!"

*player one stands and dances around the room as we fade to black*


Marvin Gaye
by cntxt

DM Marvin Gaye: Opening the door, baby, you see this pie, can you dig it?

DJ Babu (Beat Junkies & Dialated Peoples): What kind of pie?

DM Marvin Gaye: Whatever you need it to be baby.

Babu: Right on.

Iriscience (Dialated Peoples): Right on.

Babu: What else is in the room?

DM Marvin Gaye: My father, baby, and he's got a shotgun.

Iriscience: :):):):) that :):):):), I ain't with that. Roll initiative.

DM Marvin Gaye: Suprise round, baby. (rattling dice)

Babu: Suprise round? That's :):):):):):):):), man. We were alert!

DM Marvin Gaye: Muh:):):):)a's sneaky, ain't he? (Rolls dice) That's a threat, baby. (Rolls dice) Critical.


Dr. Laura
by Chipmunk

DM Dr. Laura: "The door is slightly ajar. You search quietly, but see no traps."

Devis: "I'm listening. What do I hear?"

DM Dr. Laura: "You hear breathing, and you detect the smell of Blueberry Pie."

Devis: "That's great. My little girl, Amy'oth, just loves Blueberry pie. I'm gonna try and snatch that pie for her."

DM Dr. Laura: "How old is your daughter?"

Devis: "She's six. Can I see anything through the crack in the door?"

DM Dr. Laura: "You have a six year old daughter who depends on you, and you're risking your life crawling through this dungeon."

Devis: "Well, yea. But she doesn't really depend on me. She lives with her mother, who takes care of her. I'm too much of a free spirit to settle down and live with them."

DM Dr. Laura: "Oh, so she was good enough to spew your seed into, but that's it. You won't do the right thing and provide the two parent home your daughter needs?"

Devis: "Well, it's all on my character history and motivations page: the daughter in town, I keep bringing her gifts."

Regdar: "Remember, Doc? It gave him a reason give up the vagabond lifestyle and stay near town with me and Hennet and your maps."

DM Dr. Laura: "Let me see your character sheet."

Devis: hands it over

Hennet: looks sidelong at Regdar and shakes his head

DM Dr. Laura: "Devis, it says that you have two ranks in Profession (clerk)."

Devis: "Yea. From the apprenticeship I hated and fled to become the much loved minstrel I am today."

DM Dr. Laura: "Well, I suggest that you go back to town and find another job as a clerk. Then marry the mother of your daughter. (d20+2)/2 gold pieces per week should be enough to provide for your family."

Hennet: "Come on. Let's just go back to town and buy a pie at the Inn."

DM Dr. Laura: "The pie is very yummy at the Inn today. They're hoping it will attract back some of the customers that were lost after the Sheriff shut down the saloon and brothel part of their business."

Regdar: groans


James Brown
by cntxt

James Brown: Fehnebbely figugh! Ne pie de he bahn. Rebbi?

Band: Yeah!

JB: Rebbi!

Band: Yeah!

JB: Tape be huhna bridge!

Band: (Playing) Ba-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-DAAAAAAAAAA.


Dr. Seuss
by Doomsdaisy

DM Seuss: Would you fight an orc for pie?

Krusk: I will not fight an orc for pie, I do not fight him, Krusk am I.

DM Seuss: Would you fight him in a cave? Would you fight him with a stave?

Krusk: I would not fight him in a cave, I would not fight him with a stave. I will not fight the orc for pie, I will not fight him, Krusk am I.

DM Seuss: Would you fight him with a troll, would you score a critical roll?

Krusk: I would not fight him with a troll, I would not score a critical roll, I would not fight him in a cave, I would not fight him with a stave.

DM Seuss: Would you fight him in a moat? Would you fight him on a goat?

Krusk: Not in a moat, not on a goat, not with a troll, no critical roll. I will not fight the orc for pie, I will not fight him, Krusk am I.

DM Seuss: Would you, could you, in a bar? Fight him, fight him, here he are!

Krusk: I would not, could not in a bar.

DM Seuss: You may fight him, before you sleep, you may fight him in a keep!

Krusk: I would not, could not in a keep. Not in a bar, you let me sleep! I will not fight the orc for pie, I will not fight him, Krusk am I!

DM Seuss: A mace, a mace, a mace, a magic mace! Could you would you for a magic mace?

Krusk: Not for a mace, not in a keep, not in a bar, just LET ME SLEEP! I will not fight the orc for pie, I will not fight him, Krusk Am I.

DM Seuss: Say! With a spell? Blast with a spell? Would you, could you with a spell?

Krusk: I would not could not with a spell.

DM Seuss: Would you, could you in extradimensional space?

Krusk: I would not, could not in extradimensional space, not with a spell, not for a mace. I will not fight this orc for pie, I will not fight him, Krusk Am I!

DM Seuss: Would you, could you for a gem?

Krusk: I would not, could not for a gem.

DM Seuss: Would you fight him with other men?

Krusk: I would not could not for a gem, I would not fight with other men. I will not fight this orc for pie, I will not fight him, Krusk am I.

DM Seuss: You may not fight them, so you say, just roll, just roll, and you may! Just roll, just roll, you may, I say!

Krusk: Bah! If you will let me be, I will fight them. You will see.
Say! I do like fighting orc for pie! I do. I'll fight him, Krusk am I!
I will fight him with other men.
And I will fight him for a gem.
And I will fight him in extradimensional space.
And with a spell.
And for a magic mace.
And in a keep.
And in a bar.
This is fun! Forget about sleep!
So I will fight him with a troll.
And I will make a critical roll.
And I will fight him on a goat.
And I will fight him in a moat.
And I will fight him in a cave.
And I will fight him with a stave.
I will fight, its blood I crave!
I do so like fighting orcs for pie! Thank you, thank you!
Krusk am I.


Gary Gygax
by Rinndalir

Gary Gygax: After a long and arduous adventure, filled with deadly traps and certain doom behind each door, you have finally reached the crypt of Acererak the demi-lich.

Player 1: Oh my fallen comrades, would that you were still with us so you could see this glorious moment and share in it!

Player 2: *playing a thief* Ummm...I back away and hide behind the wizard.

Player 3: *the wizard* I will protect you to my dying breath my friend...for without you we're screwed. *shoots evil look at the DM*

GG: *chuckling evilly* Unfortunately for you, Player 1, your booming voice activates a most devious trap which was set to trip at the sound of loud noise. An intelligent vorpal axe +5 swings through the air from a depression in the wall, instantly decapitating you.

Player 1: Hey! Don't you have to roll to hit? How about a reflex save?

GG: *laughing some more* Foolish player, this is the game of REAL MEN, 1st Edition, so of course you don't get a save!

Player 4: *Billy Bad-Ass Fighter* Hey, a vorpal axe you said? Intelligent? I wanna pick it up!

GG: *laughs even more* You pry it out of the wall with a mighty heave. Unfortuantely the axe is chaotic evil with the special purpose of Slaying Thieves. The rest of you see your trusted friend turn to you with a snarl as he begins to swing the axe menacingly at Player 2...

Party: Formation 23-b, Protect Thief From Mind Controlled Fighter, go!

*some time, and many casualties later*

GG: Finally the thief breaks through the last layer of ingenious traps which certainly would've spelled his, and therefore your, doom. You enter into the inner sanctum of the demi-lich, a chamber piled high with gems, coins, and treasure. In the corner of the room you see an orc. He is holding what appears and smells to be a pie.

Player 3: What, no demi-lich? I cast Detect Boss Monster.

GG: You see nothing, except the orc and his pie.

Player 3: Geez what a letdown.

Player 2: *look of horror upon his face* Errr...guys...remember that Gypsy curse that makes me crave pie...

Player 3: Oh yeah. I magic missile the orc!

GG: He dies and drops the pie. Player 2, the pie smells awfully good, and you begin to feel the curse take effect...

Player 2: I go after the pie, craving its sweet and tasty goodness!

Player 3: He'll be ok, I mean come on, he survived disarming all of Gygax's death traps, he deserves a break.

*Party begins to loot the room*

GG: *barely containing his evil cackles* Player 2, as you bite into the yummy pie you notice something. A golden skull grins grins back at you from where he sits hidden in the middle of it. Player 3, the anti-magic crust of the pie is now broken and you detect a demi-lich with your spell. Unfortunately you are all too busy looting and he gets a surprise round. His eyes flash and Player 2's thief crumbles into dust as his soul is sucked away, and the entrance to the chamber rumbles shut, leaving you trapped in the darkness with only the demi-lich's glowing eyes for light. And, more importantly, no thief to get you out! MUHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Party: Goddammit. He got us AGAIN. Hey Gary, can we play something a little LESS hack n slash next week?

GG: Sure. I'll pull out my Lejendary Adventures version of Return to the Tomb of Elemental Evil...

Party: *groan*

GG: What? It's got NPCs in it...


Lisa Simpson
by Ancalagon

Lisa (DM): You step deeper in the dungeon. Your way is blocked by a large porticullis.

Homer (fighter): I attack it with my sword! Take that foul beast! I rolled a .... em... 7

Bart (rogue): you need to roll a d20, not a d12!

Homer: ...I'm aware of that. I roll an 18, woho!

Lisa: *sigh*... Your sword hits the porticullis with a clang. It has no effect.

Homer: EEEK! Oh my god, the porticullis is invincible! Please oh dread porticullis, have mercy on us!!!

Marge (cleric): Oh for crying out loud, a porticullis is a big metal door, it isn't a monster!!!

Maggie (wizard): *suckle suckle*

Homer: Oh. Well then, I will drink my potion of rhino strength...

Bart: Bull!

Homer: ...bull strength, and will lift the porticullis.

Lisa: You can't find your potion.

Homer: What the? wait a minute... didn't bart max out his pick pocket?

Bart: (looks innocent)


Bart: *GASP! GURGLE!!!*

Marge: Cut it out! Homer, stop chocking Bart, Bart, give him back his potion! Or else no more healing spells!

Maggie: *suckle suckle*

Lisa: Ok ok, you drink your potion. You gain 4 points of strength.

Bart: Wow Homer, your strength is now 21! That's twice your charisma or three times your intelligence!

Marge: Cut it out!

Homer: I lift the porticullis.

Lisa: You need to make a strength check.

Homer: Oh yes, right right.

Lisa: Roll a d20 and and your new strength modifier.

Homer : (blinks)

Lisa: *sigh*... Ok ok, you open the porticullis. You move on beyond.

Grandpa (commoner): Is there still oil in the lantern?

Lisa: Yes. You figure you won't have to add more for another 2 hours.

Grandpa: Wow, this game sure is exciting! In my days, we didn' t have lanterns no! Instead, we had to ... ZZZZZZ....

Lisa: You keep walking in the dank coridor for a few more minutes. The smell of earth and mold is almost overwhelming. You see a door in front of you.

Bart: I check the door for traps... I roll... I get 27 again!

Lisa: Bart! Stop using that "only 20" dice! And put that "only 19" dice away too! Mom, he's cheating!

Marge: Cut it out!

Bart: ... ok ok... I roll a 22. you happy now?

Lisa: You find no trap.

Bart: I open the door.

Lisa: beyond the door you see a small room. In it stands an orc, wearing hide armor. Behind him is a pie.

Homer: hmmmm... pie.... (drools) I unsheath my sword and I step towards the orc!

Lisa: He brandishes a huge axe in reply!

Homer: Uh-oh!

Bart: I drink my potion of invisibility and I move silently behind the orc. I roll a 19!

Homer: Go get him boy!!

Marge: Can't we just ASK the orc for the pie? Maybe he's willing to share?

Maggie: *suckle suckle*


Jack Chick
by angramainyu

DM Jack Chick: You see an "orc" with a "pie".

Black Leaf: I enter the room.

DM Jack Chick: You failed to notice the poison trap. You die.


DM Jack Chick: Shut up. Now, back to this "orc" and his "pie"

Elfstar: I cast a mind bondage spell on the orc!


DM Jack Chick: The orc gives you his pie... but at a price for casting that spell... YOUR SOUL!

Elfstar: My soul?


DM Jack Chick: Here, take this rope and go away.

Black Leaf: <hangs self>


DM Jack Chick: The pie was just bait to lure you into the dungeon. Of bondage.

Elfsong: <weeping>

DM Jack Chick: Now pray to Jesus or you'll never get your soul back! Repent your sins and burn your D&D books!

Elfsong: I just wanted the pie!


Christopher Walken
by markemmert

Christopher Walken: "You enter a curiously small room. The swine wards a fresh baked pie."

Player: "A pie? What kind of pie?"

CW: "The smell. It tantalizes. The aroma is positively... scrumptious."

P: "Well yeah, but I mean... can't I tell what kind of pie it is? It's a small room."

CW: "Do you mock me?"

P: "Uh, no. I think I'll just move on."

CW: "It really smells quite... delectable."

P: "Yeah, great. Moving on..."

CW: "Your fast has not been broken! The hunger gnaws at you, like rats at a corpse. Or a fat man at a buffet. Like the one at Third and Lexington."

P: "I really don't think I'd risk my life for pie."

CW: "You are famished. Only pie will sate your unholy appetites. Do I make myself clear?"

P: "You're the GM, I guess. So I check out the Orc- what's he doing'"

CW: "The Orc brandishes a longsword."


CW: "Menacingly."

P: "This is ridiculous. I'm not entering mortal combat over baked goods."

CW: "Indeed. Perhaps you would fight me for this chocolate iced bismark?"

P: "No."

CW: "I could slay you with my steely gaze; were you aware of this?"

P: "Ehm..."

CW: "I will dance now."


Edgar Allen Poe
by Pielorinho

Once upon a midnight rainy, while I tried to be all brainy
Over many a quaint and curious rulebook - ah, the DM's work!
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
as of someone gently rapping - and I woke up with a jerk.
''Tis some humanoid,' I muttered, 'trying to disturb my work-
'kobold, maybe? Or an orc?'

Papers formed a solid layer (top ones white, the bottoms grayer)
On my desk. The CD player played an album by Björk But I could not write adventure, silenced by my inner censor.
Björk could help! Could I convince her to remove the stubborn cork?
From my stopped-up font of inspiration rid the stubborn cork?
What's a treasure for an orc?

Every note she sang, a rapture, full of grace I could not capture:
By the gods I coulda slapped her, making me feel like a dork
She could sing with heartfelt pleasure, awesomeness in every measure
But she'd not show me a treasure. No ideas that I could hork
Nothing for to stock my dungeon, no encounters I could hork
So far, I just had an orc.

Presently, I did remember, on this day in dark December
There was tapping at the timber, like the pecking of a stork.
'Sir?' said I. 'Or madame truly, do not toy with me so cruelly
I've got no ideas, and duly I will beg you, help my work:
Give me inspiration for next session, and you'll help my work
What's a treasure for an orc?'

Then the door I flung wide open. And an end came to my mopin
Better than I had been hopin: at the door an orc stood by!
'Sir,' he said, 'I've got a notion. Better than a magic potion
This is virtually ambrosia 'n' it'll work, by Gruumsh's eye:
This is guaranteed to please a hero's heart, by Gruumsh's eye:
Let me guard a fresh-baked pie!'

'Genius orc, my thanks!' I shouted. 'Once the villain has been routed;
soundly round the ears been clouted; once they've made the poor orc die
Then it will be time for dining! Yessir, they will take a shining
To this module I'm designing. And the name I'll call it by,
And the snappy title this adventure will be thought of by?'
I will call it Orc and Pie.


mother of a small child
by Sialia


Small Child: "Tell me the Once Upon a Time!"

Mother: "What?"

Small Child: "Tell me the Once Upon a Time!"

Mother: "You want me to tell you what's going on in the picture?"

Small Child: "Yeah!"

Mother: "Umm. There's this orc, and, uh, he has a pie. And, uh, there's these other guys, the Adventurers, and they don't have a pie. And they want the orc's pie. I don't know what happens after that."

Small Child: (grapsing the crux of tha matter immediately) "But he doesn't want to share his pie!"

Mother: "Um. No. He doesn't. So what do you think will happen'"

Small Child: (silence)

Mother: "Maybe the Adventurers could ask nicely 'Please can we have some pie?'"

Small Child: (being the orc) "'No.'"

Mother: "Umm. They could beat him up and take his pie?"

Small Child: "That wouldn't be very nice."

Mother: "Uh, no. It wouldn't."

Small Child: "The pig should say 'Stop! No taking my pie!'"

Mother: 'Well, it would be nice if he shared his pie with everybody. Then they could all be friends. There's plenty of pie, he can't eat it all by himself."

Small Child: "'No. He doesn't want to share his pie."

Mother: (sighing) "Right. Sometimes the pie is very special and the orc doesn't have to share it. The Adventurers all go home hungry and get some flour and sugar and cherries of their own and make their own pie. And they share it with each other and all have a good time together, and the orc sits and eats his by all by his lonesome and gets a tummyache."

Small Child: (satisfied) "Right. And they all live happily ever after, and the pig doesn't have to share his pie."

Mother: (giving up on the morality lesson at this point) "Right. They all live happily ever after."


George Lucas
by Carrot Ironfounderson

GL: Ok now everyone has bought thier supplies in town and is ready to go to the dungeon? Right, now Luke here is playing a Paladin, Han is a rogue, Chewie is a barbarian and Leia here is our Bard right? Great, slow wipe from bright city to dark dungeon corridor.

Player 1: *Whining* Can't we walk there? I wanted to check out the moisture vaporators on the way the dungeon.


Player 1: Wah! You're not my father I think I'll just go jump in a pit trap to show how much I hate you!!

GL: You find no pit traps although you find your progress down the narrow Tren..er..corridor impeeded by lightning traps set on either side but the magic of the paladin that I alone control and understand saves all of you as you approach the small door.

Leia: Wait I don't get that. If Luke has magic powers shouldn't he control them?

GL: Well yes if Luke actually had the power but in reality he is not the chosen of his god but rather the bacteria in his guts are the chosen of his god and as NPCs they decide when that power gets used. He just carries them around.

Han: That's stupid!

GL: Han falls into a Pit trap with a magical cone of cold effect and is instantly frozen.

Chewie: Roar!! Growl! Whine!

Luke: *to Leia* That gets them out of the way... wanna neck?

Leia: Sure, but not too much I think we might be related and the GM just hasn't told us yet.

GL: Oooo thats a good idea. As you are kissing the bugs in Luke's gut tell him you're his sister.

Luke: Um, does that mean I have to stop feeling her up?

GL and Leia: YES!!

Luke: Fine while Chewie and Leia find a way to thaw Han Im going to open the door.

GL: Ok you open the door and see a moodily lit room that the bugs in your stomache tell you is 10' by 10' exactly. In the center of the room is a big green Orc with a Flaming sword held in such a way as to not quite be an obvious phalic symbol.
Luke: Just an orc? Do I see any treasure?

GL: Well there was going to be a pie but I couldn't find one I liked so Im going to digitally add one in post production. So your Paladin knows there is an invisible (for now) pie.

Luke: OK, my father died getting a pie from an Orc I draw my frost sword and hold it in front of me with both hands.

GL: So you look like you're holding your....? Nevermind. The Orc looks you up and down and grins.

Orc: Ah Paladin Luke, we meet at last. I see you have come for my Pie. I once came for the pie and faced this same test...my son.

Luke: Wait a minute. Hold the phone I know my character isn't an Orc and I won't believe that the major villain here is an asthmatic pig-boy.

GL: Well maybe he's under some sort of spell like digital-morphing or something give this plot a chance I worked on it really hard.

Luke: (in character) You aren't my father prepare to die!!

*clashes swords with loud classical music playing in the background*

Orc: Come son together we can defeat the sorcerer that made me this and share the pie as father and son.

Luke: Ill never join you!!! *runs out and jumps into the now empty pit trap that Frozen Han was just pulled from*

Orc: With out the Paladin to worry about I will have the pie all to myself bwahahaha *cough* *wheeze*

Leia: This is stupid Im out of here too. Come on Chewie let me show you my new rust-proof swim suit.

GL: Just as you are about to leave a bunch of carnivorous Koala bears that you befriended last week come charging into the place for no reason, kill the Orc and take the pie for themselves. Then there are fireworks and shots of all the cities you have ever been to or heard about celebrating the fall of the evil Orc.


Chuck Jones
by Mobius Bard

DM: You're walking down a long corridor, one that almost looks like all of the other corridors you've walked down before. It is stained a bruised purple and gives a feeling of ominous doom. There is a painted sign at the end of the corridor as it forms a t-intersection. You can't read the sign from here.

Rogue: <crunch crunch crunch> Eh, I cast a carrot down the corridor and reel it back in checking for traps.

DM: Your carrot doesn't set off any traps.

Rogue: <stage whisper> All right guys, it's safe. But be quiet. You never know what kind of creature might try to sneak up on us.

Fighter: As leader of this rag-tag group of merry men, I will head down the corridor, my sword held high and ready, my eyes gleaming.

Wizard: I prepare my number 2 exothermic wand of atomization in case of intruders.

Cleric: I'm, I say, I'm watching the back for those sneaky-uppy things. I've got my mace ready, in hand.

DM: You reach the intersection. The sign has two arrows painted on it in what appears to be dripping red paint. The arrow to the right reads "Oodles of Treasure." The arrow to the left reads "Pie."

Rogue: Eh, <crunch crunch crunch> I say we head left. That corridor on the right spooks me.

Fighter: WHAT? And pass up the TREASURE? Listen, bub. I'm the leader of this rag-tag group of merry-men and I say we go right.

Rogue: And I say we go left.

Fighter: Right!

Rogue: Left!

Fighter: Right!

Rogue: Left!

Fighter: Right!

Rogue: Right!

Fighter: Left!

Rogue: I said, 'RIGHT!'

Fighter: And I said, 'LEFT,' and we're going left and that's all there is to it!

Rogue: Okay, okay, we'll go left. No need to get into a huff about it.

Fighter: It's a matter of determinat . . . <stops dead in his tracks> You did it to me again, you, you, oh! You're despicable. Fine, you want to go left? We'll put it to a vote. How many want to go to the left.

<all characters raise their hands but the fighter>

Fighter: You're all a bunch of cowards, you are. I'm going to go to the right and I'm not going to share a bit of the treasure with any of you even if you beg me.

Rogue: Bon voya-gee!

DM: You note the sign painted in the same red paint on what looks like old driftwood reading 'KEEP OUT.'

Fighter: I keep going. Who needs those losers?

DM: As you step three feet down the corridor, an iron door slams shut behind you. Two axes swing down from the ceiling narrowly missing your head, embedding themselves in the door behind you. A pit opens up in the floor before you, giant spikes gleaming in the dim light. A door slams shut just beyond the pit and two hands on metal arms accordion out from the walls, each holding what appears to be a wand. The tip of each wand is crackling with electricity. There is a sign painted on the door before you in the same hand. It reads, "LAST CHANCE."

Fighter: Eep!

DM: To your right you notice a red button that you can't remember previously being there. The words "Push me" are painted above it.

Fighter: <looking at the DM> Sometimes I don't like you very much.

DM: What are you doing? The hands holding the wands appear to be getting restless.

Fighter: Fine. I push the button. Are you happy?

DM: The hands retract, the pit closes, the axes swing back up into the ceiling, barely missing your head again, the door behind you opens up. The words painted on the door that remains in front of you now read "See ya."

Rogue: Don't say I didn't tell you so.

Fighter: Oh, shut up. Can we get going now?

DM: You continue down the corridor about twenty feet, the walls the same ominous purple. The corridor ends in a small antechamber. In the middle of the far wall is a door. There is no knob or handle, but there appears to be bas-relief statuary along the walls of the antechamber.

Rogue: I check the door, searching along the jam to see if there's anything that will open the door.

DM: <passes note> This is what you find.

Rogue: Aha. <to the fighter> Whatever you do, don't push that eye to your left that looks like a button.

Fighter: Which one? This one?

Rogue: Yeah, don't push it.

Cleric: Do you need any help, because I'm gettin' a mite hungry. The idea of pie got my stomach rumblin'.

Wizard: If you like, I can blast the door with my ray-wand.

Rogue: Nah. I've almost got it.

Fighter: <passes note to DM>

DM: A loud clang from where the fighter was standing forces you to turn around. All you can see of the fighter is a beak and feet underneath an anvil. The trap having been set off, the door slides open.

Rogue: Tsk, tsk, tsk. You never listen. Heh heh heh.

Fighter: I hate you.

DM: Inside of the room you see a bald man with a huge cranium and a baker's hat. On a table before him sits a pie. A scent of baked cherries fills the air. It smells delicious. The room is warm and the oven on the far wall twinkles merrily from the glow of the fire within. The man sees you and yells, "Get out of hewe! I'm in the middle of a vewy impowtant expewiment!"

Rogue: No problem, Doc. We're just here from the Baker's Union. If you'll just pay your dues, we'll be on our way. <crunch crunch crunch>

DM: "Dues? But I thought I was paid up."

Rogue: I'm afraid not, Doc. Apparently, you've been very delinquent in payment.

DM: "Vewy dewinquent? Oh deaw, oh deaw! I'm afwaid that I haven't any money on me at the moment."

Rogue: Weeeellllll, I'm not supposed to do this, but I tell you what: We'll take this pie here as payment, and we'll call it square.

DM: The little man seems elated and begins to shake your hand. "Weawwy? Oh, thank you siw, thank you vewy much. You'we so vewy kind!"

Rogue: Think nothing of it. Well, we won't keep you. Good day.

DM: "Oh, I will. Thank you again!"

Rogue: We shut the door behind us. Heh. That was easy.

Wizard: You should have let me disintegrate him.

Cleric: Now hold on there, boy, don't go gettin' all blood-thirsty on me. People might think you're touched. In the head, that is.

DM: Behind the door you hear the muffled cry of "Hey! Wait a minute! I'm not a membew of any union!"

Rogue: This is our cue to leave, I think.

DM: A resounding 'BAM' fills the air as a hole is blown through the door by the shot screaming by. The little man presses an eye to the door. He sees you, his eyebrow dropping low over his eye. You see the tip of a shot-wand come through the hole and 'BAM!' The fighter feels his hat knocked off of his head and most of the feathers as well . . .

Fighter: <to rogue> I hope you're happy.

Rogue: <to fighter> I got the pie, didn't I? Keep running!


An orc stands in the dungeon's main antechamber. In front of him there is a pie cooling on a windowsill in the afternoon sun. No steam is rising from the pie.

The pie appears to be filled with blueberries or apples. A piece has already been stolen from the pie, and strange design has been cut into it.

The orc has baked the pie in the oven on the far wall, but it is too hot for him to remove. Anyone attempting to remove the pie has a 40% chance of catching fire and taking 1-6 damage. If the party extinguishes the fire in the stove using the basin of water, the pie can be safely removed and placed on the windowsill to cool.

The pie is also poisonous. If anyone eats the pie they will die immediately. However, the orc has hidden 400 GP in the pie, which will be visible if the crust is broken or the pie is destroyed.

The orc is hoping to retrieve the gold in the pie, but is unable to remove it without burning himself. He has already suffered 20 HP of damage from trying to get the pie. This has made him angry, and he will attack on sight and fight to the death. The only way to retrieve the pie is by killing the orc.


The room before you is completely dark. (If the PC has a torch) You see a dog-like creature standing in front of you. He appears to be in good health, although he looks like he has not eaten in many weeks. He is wielding a weapon of some kind, and wearing thick furs.
Inside the room there is a lit cooking stove, a bench, a bed, and a table. There is nothing of value in the room.

Keith the Orc (Orc; AC 2; MV 12"; HD 1; hp 25; #AT 1: Dmg 2-7 [bite]; % in liar 20%; SA/SD None) is the main chef for the dungeon. His master has abandoned him here, and he has made himself a pie to eat. He is unable to escape this room.

Roll 1d6. On 1-4 the orc surprises, on 6 there is no surprise.

Underneath the table there is a trap door that leads down to level 4. An old ladder leads into the storeroom, which is filled with tropical fruits, flour, eggs, and butter. Keith does not know of its existence.

The table is not trapped, nor is the window. There is a trap on the oven that deals 2-12 acid damage to anyone attempting to open it.

Keith's prized posession, a Ring of Sustenance, is hidden in the ashes inside the oven.

If the party recovers the pie, Keith will award them each 100 gp. Otherwise, he will fight them to the death. If they trick him or force him to surrender, he will tell them about the trap door below the table. If the party decides to leave without speaking to Keith, he will chase them down and fight to the death.

After the party recovers the pie, Keith will also give them his Ring of Fire Resistance and his longsword and his chainmail. The pie is delicious.

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