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Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd
Subject: Re: Oriental Adventures is here
From: Hong Ooi <hong.ooi@maths.anu.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 04 Oct 2001 03:02:57 +1000
--------
On Wed, 03 Oct 2001 09:32:24 -0400, "R. Scott Rogers"
<srogers@mindspring.com> wrote:
>And it came to pass on 10/3/01 8:28 AM, that there went out a decree from
>Caesar Hong Ooi, that
>> - Yakuza: classic mob crim. No LOTR example here, but organized crime is
>> hardly exclusive to Oriental settings. (For some weird reason yakuzae don't
>> seem to get sneak attacks as a class ability. I'll assume that's an
>> oversight.)
>
>"Nice tower you've got here, Mr. Saruman. Real nice. Look at that beautiful
>balcony up there -- you don't see workmanship like that in every tower. Me,
>I'd think it would be dangerous to stand up there, with nothing but a stone
>railing between me and a 100-foot fall. You know, accidents do happen. And
>let me tell you, it would be a real shame if anything were to happen to you
>or your beautiful tower, don't you think? Me and my associates, we can make
>sure that nothing happens to your tower."
>
[SCENE: The Prancing Pony tavern in Bree. Barliman Butterbur, proprietor,
is standing behind the bar. Facing him are several Ringwraiths, including
the Witch King of Angmar.]
Barliman Butterbur: Look, what's your name? I got his name's Gothmog, but
what's yours?
Witch King: I'm the Witch King of Angmar, and you ain't talkin' your ass
outta this sh*t.
Barliman: I just want you to know, Mr, er, your majesty, sir, that I didn't
mean to cause trouble. I've only got good intentions --
[As Barliman talks, the Witch King points with his hand at a serving wench
in the corner, and her head explodes in a shower of blood and brains. The
decapitated body sways for a few seconds, and then topples to the floor.]
[Barliman has just crapped his pants. He's not crying or whimpering, but he's
so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.]
Witch King: Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your concentration? Please
continue. I believe you were saying something about "good intentions".
[Barliman can't say a word.]
Witch King: Whatsamatter? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, allow me to
retort. Would you describe for me what Sauron looks like?
[Barliman still can't speak.]
[The Witch King snaps, and with another gesture, the bar explodes into
splinters. There is now no barrier between him and Barliman.]
Witch King: What country you from!
Barliman [petrified]: What?
Witch King: "What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak Westron in
"What"?
Barliman: What?
Witch King: Westron-motherf*cker-do-you-know-it?
Barliman: Yes.
Witch King: Then you understand what I'm sayin'?
Barliman: Yes.
Witch King: Now describe what Sauron looks like.
Barliman: What?
[The Witch King draws his sword and presses the black blade hard in
Barliman's cheek.]
Witch King: Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double
dare ya, motherf*cker. Say "What" one more goddamn time!
[Barliman is regressing on the spot.]
Witch King: Now describe to me what Sauron looks like!
Barliman: Well he's... he's... without form --
Witch King: Go on!
Barliman: And he's... he's... filled with malice --
Witch King: Does he look like a bitch?
Barliman: What?
[The Witch King rolls his eyes (or he would if he actually had eyes), and
chops Barliman's arm off at the shoulder. Barliman screams, collapsing to
his knees and breaking into a shaking/trembling spasm.]
Witch King: Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!
Barliman [in agony]: No.
Witch King: Then why'd ya try to f*ck him like a bitch?!
Barliman [in spasm]: I didn't.
Witch King: Yes you did, Barliman. You tried to pretend you didn't know who
"Baggins" was, and you tried to send us Ringwraiths on a wild goose chase.
You f*ck with us, you f*ck with da man. You ever read the Bible, Barliman?
Barliman [in spasm]: Yes.
Witch King: There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this
situation: Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all
sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed
is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through
the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder
of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and
furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you
will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you."
[At the Witch King's signal, the assembled Ringwraiths unleash a storm of
destruction on the tavern. Searing fireballs and bolts of unholy lightning
fill the air, smashing the wooden walls to splinters and bringing the
second floor down. The Ringwraiths disappear into the night, leaving the
tavern ablaze behind them.]
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