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<blockquote data-quote="CleverNickName" data-source="post: 9637641" data-attributes="member: 50987">CleverNickName's Step-By-Step Guide to Buying A HouseStep 1:&nbsp; Contact a lender.Step 2:&nbsp; Pull out a single $100 bill, and set it on fire.&nbsp; Repeat until it no longer bothers you.Step 3:&nbsp; Fill out the loan application.&nbsp; Pay the application fee.Step 4:&nbsp; Consent to the background check, credit check, etc.&nbsp; Pay the fee.Step 5:&nbsp; Be told your credit score is too low, pay $5523 to consolidate and close two lines of credit.Step 6:&nbsp; Empty the contents of your wallet into the toilet, flush.Step 7:&nbsp; Wait 2d6+6 months, then fill out another loan application.&nbsp; Pay the application fee.&nbsp; Don't ask why it costs more this time; nobody knows.Step 8:&nbsp; Consent to another background check and credit check.&nbsp; Pay the fee again.&nbsp; Marvel at how checking your credit score too often is somehow bad for your credit score.Step 9:&nbsp; Be told your credit score is just high enough to get a terrible interest rate, but if you attend their &quot;how to let us manage your money&quot; workshop, they'll lower it.Step 10:&nbsp; Attend the workshop, pay special attention to the section on &quot;Refinancing.&quot;Step 11:&nbsp; Search for a house to buy.&nbsp; Oooo, how about that one?Steps 12-2234: No, not that house.&nbsp; Try again.Step 2235: Make an offer on the house.&nbsp; Ignore the laughter from the seller's agent.Step 2236:&nbsp; Congratulations!&nbsp; Your offer was accepted!&nbsp; Pay $3000 earnest money to escrow.Step 2237:&nbsp; Pay $400 to the seller's home inspector if you're the trusting sort.&nbsp; Or pay $1000 to a home inspector of your choice if you're not.Step 2238:&nbsp; Pay $125 for a sewer scope of the house you want to buy.Step 2239:&nbsp; Pay $100 for a radon test on the house you want to buy.Step 2240:&nbsp; Pay $825 to the appraiser, to appraise the house you want to buy.Step 2241:&nbsp; Marvel at how you have now spent thousands of dollars over the course of a week and still, somehow, you don't have a contract.Step 2242:&nbsp; Wait for the inspector's report.Step 2243:&nbsp; Put together a list of concessions.Step 2244:&nbsp; Gather your down payment.Step 2245:&nbsp; Wait, what do you mean you don't already have 20% of the entire cost of a house sitting in your savings account?&nbsp; Guess you'd better make a withdrawal from your 401(k).&nbsp; Or sell a couple of kidneys, your choice.Step 2246:&nbsp; Fill out the paperwork for a 401(k) withdrawal.Step 2247:&nbsp; In this month of April, in the year of our Lord two-thousand and twenty five, at the height of the Internet age, you will need to take those forms to a printer, print them out, sign them with a pen, and then fax or mail them to your 401(k) holder.&nbsp; I am not kidding.&nbsp; If you don't have a fax machine, you can use one of those phone apps that will scan all of this super-personal data and bank account information, upload it to Somewhere, and will then &quot;fax&quot; it to &quot;the bank&quot; for you.&nbsp; Nothing to worry about there.&nbsp; They promise not to steal it.Step 2248:&nbsp; Pay for a fax service, or for overnight airmail, for the stack of paper that you just sent.Step 2249:&nbsp; Pay 10% in taxes and fees on your 401(k) withdrawal.Step 2250:&nbsp; Wait 3-5 days for them to review the application.Step 2251:&nbsp; Once reviewed, wait 7-10 days for the application to be approved.Step 2252:&nbsp; Once approved, wait 3 business days for the down payment to be delivered to you.Step 2253:&nbsp; Congratulations!&nbsp; You can now make your six-figure down payment!&nbsp; You have a mortgage that is four times that amount!Step 2254:&nbsp; Realize you still haven't closed on the loan.Step 2255:&nbsp; Ask your realtor about the closing date, wait for him to stop laughing.To be continued...</blockquote>

[QUOTE="CleverNickName, post: 9637641, member: 50987"] [B]CleverNickName's Step-By-Step Guide to Buying A House[/B] Step 1: Contact a lender. Step 2: Pull out a single $100 bill, and set it on fire. Repeat until it no longer bothers you. Step 3: Fill out the loan application. Pay the application fee. Step 4: Consent to the background check, credit check, etc. Pay the fee. Step 5: Be told your credit score is too low, pay $5523 to consolidate and close two lines of credit. Step 6: Empty the contents of your wallet into the toilet, flush. Step 7: Wait 2d6+6 months, then fill out another loan application. Pay the application fee. Don't ask why it costs more this time; nobody knows. Step 8: Consent to another background check and credit check. Pay the fee again. Marvel at how checking your credit score too often is somehow bad for your credit score. Step 9: Be told your credit score is [I]just [/I]high enough to get a terrible interest rate, but if you attend their "how to let us manage your money" workshop, they'll lower it. Step 10: Attend the workshop, pay special attention to the section on "Refinancing." Step 11: Search for a house to buy. Oooo, how about that one? Steps 12-2234: No, not that house. Try again. Step 2235: Make an offer on the house. Ignore the laughter from the seller's agent. Step 2236: Congratulations! Your offer was accepted! Pay $3000 earnest money to escrow. Step 2237: Pay $400 to the seller's home inspector if you're the trusting sort. Or pay $1000 to a home inspector of your choice if you're not. Step 2238: Pay $125 for a sewer scope of the house you want to buy. Step 2239: Pay $100 for a radon test on the house you want to buy. Step 2240: Pay $825 to the appraiser, to appraise the house you want to buy. Step 2241: Marvel at how you have now spent thousands of dollars over the course of a week and [I]still,[/I] [I]somehow,[/I] you don't have a contract. Step 2242: Wait for the inspector's report. Step 2243: Put together a list of concessions. Step 2244: Gather your down payment. Step 2245: Wait, what do you mean you don't already have 20% of the entire cost of a house sitting in your savings account? Guess you'd better make a withdrawal from your 401(k). Or sell a couple of kidneys, your choice. Step 2246: Fill out the paperwork for a 401(k) withdrawal. Step 2247: In this month of April, in the year of our Lord two-thousand and twenty five, at the height of the Internet age, you will need to take those forms to a printer, print them out, sign them with a pen, and then [I]fax or mail them [/I]to your 401(k) holder. I am not kidding. If you don't have a fax machine, you can use one of those phone apps that will scan all of this super-personal data and bank account information, upload it to Somewhere, and will then "fax" it to "the bank" for you. Nothing to worry about there. They promise not to steal it. Step 2248: Pay for a fax service, or for overnight airmail, for the stack of paper that you just sent. Step 2249: Pay 10% in taxes and fees on your 401(k) withdrawal. Step 2250: Wait 3-5 days for them to review the application. Step 2251: Once reviewed, wait 7-10 days for the application to be approved. Step 2252: Once approved, wait 3 business days for the down payment to be delivered to you. Step 2253: Congratulations! You can now make your six-figure down payment! You have a mortgage that is [I]four times [/I]that amount! Step 2254: Realize you still haven't closed on the loan. Step 2255: Ask your realtor about the closing date, wait for him to stop laughing. To be continued... [/QUOTE]

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