Roy and H.G. do RttToEE

[Atticus_of_Amber]

"He isn't surrounded, H.G., he's in an XP-rich environment."

"He isn't surrounded, H.G., he's in an XP-rich environment."

Very funny, but actually not original. I believe the quote comes from a documentary about the Falklands War. In that war the British expeditionary force had only two dozen or so Harriers whereas the Argentineans had almost a hundred French Mirages. A pilot (I think) was being interviewed and was asked "Well, you were totally outnumbered weren't you?"; to which he responded, deadpan (as only the British can) in an upper crust accent, "It was certainly a target rich environment."

 

[Dougal DeKree]

...damn you...

...you had me laughing so hard my boss came over to have a look at what was so funny with my calculations...

...xp-rich environment....buahahahaaaaaa

MORE!

Dougal DeKree, Gnomish Illusionist and Nystul-Fan

 

[The Furious Puffin]

THis post was bad and pointless

 

[hong]

You Can Never be Too Stupid, or Roy and H.G. do RttToEE, pt 4

H.G.: And welcome back once again for more hot tongue action, here at the House of Monte. In case you've just joined us, we're following the cleanup crew as they delve deeper into the twisting tunnels and haunted hallways of the Arteeteetee'o'ee'ee. I think I'm getting the hang of this tonguing business, Roy.

Roy: Yes, H.G., I noticed you practicing during the break. To our viewers, you haven't seen anything until you've seen H.G. doing the tongue.

H.G.: Thanks very much, Roy. I might say, though, that my tonguing experience is nothing compared to yours. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you haven't seen a real tongue at work until you've seen Rampaging Roy Slaven putting in the hard yards. And the cleanup crew have come to a strange chamber... it looks like a forge room, and there's heaps of weapons stacked around the place. The cleanup crew's eyes light up... but there's something else in here! It's a ghost, that of a dwarf who died here centuries ago. Here we go, let's see who gets to kill it this time.

Roy: Technically speaking, I don't think you can kill something that's already dead, H.G.

H.G.: That may be the case, Roy, but that's no reason not to try. Hang on a second, they're calling time out! They're going to talk to the ghost instead of killing it! I swear, gamers these days just don't have a bloody clue.

Roy: Well, as we were saying before the break, H.G., the game has moved on since our days. In our day, we thought nothing of attacking monsters on sight. If we saw it, we fought it. These days, gamers think nothing of talking to shades of the restless dead who have the power to reduce you to an insane, raving lunatic, make you turn against your mates, or even kill you outright.

H.G.: Sounds like a typical State of Origin game to me, Roy. What's the ghost telling them...? It's saying that this place used to be a dwarven city, and he was a smith who worked the forge... he doesn't want them to take anything, but they're free to use this as a resting place. And now they're leaving! Well, that was a complete waste of time as far as encounters go, wasn't it, Roy.

Roy: Yes, H.G. And they'll be kicking themselves when it comes to XP awarding time, I'm sure. But that's just horses for courses as far as the modern gamer is concerned. And to be honest, I think the cleanup crew's doing very well so far. They've had a few deaths -- six was my last count out of a party of six, for a 100% turnover rate -- but that's nothing. Remember this is the Arteeteetee'o'ee'ee, which is a dungeon like how dungeons used to be, back when our Gary was dazzling everyone with his virtuoso tongue. Oh yes, nobody could tongue a dungeon like our Gary. By those standards, a 100% turnover is nothing at all! And really, being dead isn't even that big a deal these days.

H.G.: What do you think is the secret of their success, Roy?

Roy: Well, I would say that the good thing about this party is that they've sussed out the correct way to handle dungeons. A lot of groups tend to over-analyse the situation. They immerse themselves in the details and mechanics of the game world, and as a result, they get very confused when different people have with different ideas of how things like spells and magic work. Because when you come right down to it, you're talking about supernatural phenomena, things that break the laws of physics as we know them. If you start thinking too hard about magic in that modern-day, scientific manner, you're bound to run into problems. But the cleanup crew hasn't run into that problem, and that's because they're simply reacting to events as they come, rather than trying to anticipate them or make complicated plans. Basically, instead of thinking too much, they're not thinking at all. They're going into this dungeon totally blind. Stupid. And it's seen them in good stead. The more stupid they are, the easier it gets.

H.G.: That's right. Don't forget, kids, today's lesson is: you can never be too stupid. Do you think their stupidity is the result of Padma, the joke?

Roy: I don't think so, H.G. I think their stupidity predates her joining the party -- although she's fit right in, that's for sure. We're talking about a group of highly experienced adventurers here -- it's the kind of stupidity that can only come from experience. You can't teach it, that pure emptiness of mind that comes from switching off your brain. It's like rugby league.

H.G.: Well, of course. Everything is like rugby league.

Roy: That's absolutely right. In this case, you can have all your coaching schools, your fancy tactics, defensive lines, changes of angle and whatever. But when you've got the ball, and you look up to see thirteen big, sweaty blokes who all want to hit you up the arse and give you an intimate, head-first introduction to the paddock, that's when you know whether you've got the stupidity that marks all the great geniuses of rugby league.

H.G.: The cleanup crew has left the ghostly dwarf and the forge behind. They're tramping through the dungeons... and now they've come to a strange cavern that looks like a cyst of some kind. It's a huge spherical chamber with smooth rock walls. There's a small ledge on one side of the chamber, and the crew can see a strange creature lurking there. It's got no eyes and a gaping, tube-like mouth -- a destrachan.

Roy: Yet another bizarre 3rd Edition monster. Personally, I think it smacks of weirdness for its own sake. It's totally unnecessary. You can make a good dungeon without having to resort to outlandish monstrosities. What's wrong with ordinary, conventional, 1st Edition monstrosities, like piercers, rust monsters and ear seekers? Aren't they weird enough? If they were weird enough for Gary, they're weird enough for me!

H.G.: The destrachan has noticed them... and it unleashes a wave of raw sonic energy at them! It's a high-pitched warbling wail, like country and western music piped through an amp that goes up to eleven. Argh, it's terrible! Make it stop, someone!

Roy: If you listen hard, it sounds a bit like Willie Nelson, actually. Not that you'd want to listen hard.

H.G.: All I can say is, thank god for these headphones we're wearing. It's enough to make your head explode!

Roy: That's exactly what it's trying to do, H.G. It's trying to make their heads explode so it can eat the chunky bits.

H.G.: The warbling is just getting louder and louder. The destrachan's mixing in some Barry Manilow with Willie Nelson, all with a massive, thumping disco beat in the background. It's a horrible, unholy sound, the sort of sound man was not meant to hear. Phew, it's stopped to take a breath. That was certainly an earth-shaking performance, Roy.

Roy: Yes, the earth definitely moved for me, H.G. The cleanup crew is in strife down there, but somehow they've managed to survive, although I can see lots of ears bleeding.

H.G.: And now they're shooting back at it with their bows... and they've scored one, two, three... four hits! The sound system from hell didn't like that at all, and now it's screaming back more horrible, unmentionable sounds at them. This one sounds like the theme from Love Story, with a few megadecibels of distortion thrown in. And the joke's wand explodes! Oh, that's messy. They won't be pumping that wand anymore, that's for sure.

Roy: I never thought I'd feel sorry for the joke, but that's got to be painful.

H.G.: She's got two wands, so she's all right. Here we go, Galadhriel with an H has had enough. She steps forward and cuts loose with a fireball! And the fat lady is singing for the sound system from hell. A wonderful display from the sorceress with huge Charisma.

Roy: The horrible sounds haven't affected Galadhriel at all. And in hindsight, it's obvious why: you're safe from having your head explode if there's nothing inside to explode. That's not a bad defensive tactic.

H.G.: It sounds like another reason why sorcerers are superior to wizards. That tactic would only work for sorceresses with huge Charisma and not much else upstairs.

Roy: But it's only a minor reason, H.G. Bottom line, sorcerers aren't THAT much better than wizards.

H.G.: You're undoubtedly right, Roy. Either way, it looks like the cleanup crew aren't too worried about meeting more monsters that can make people's heads explode.

Roy: That's because they're stupid, H.G. The emptier the mind, the less there is to explode. Ergo, a stupid party has little to fear from such monsters. They haven't quite achieved the pinnacle of stupid where the brain is completely switched off, and thus is immune to all mind-affecting spells and effects. Only high-level monks can be that stupid. But I'm sure they're close.

H.G.: And wizards can be that stupid too, by using their spells.

Roy: Well, we're talking about natural stupidity here. That's artificial stupidity, and doesn't really count.

H.G.: Yes, I always reckoned that the monk was the most stupid of all the character classes. And now the cleanup crew has arrived at a massive portal. It's an archway with a huge demon's head at the top. The passage continues under the demon's head, and there are carvings of flames and smoke on either side of the portal. It's the border of the fire temple territory, and frankly it looks quite terrifying, Roy.

Roy: Yes, and the cleanup crew are tripping over themselves in their excitement to go in. They all want to be first through the gate.

H.G.: Duncan the ninja's going to go in first. He sneaks in... and is met by a blood-curdling chorus of sound! Several large bat-like creatures detach themselves from the ceiling and fly down to attack him, screaming as they come!

Roy: They're cloakers, and they use sound attacks to make their victims' heads explode, too.

H.G.: Well, they're in for a shock. This group is far too stupid for that! No bloody way are their heads going to bloody explode! The cleanup crew charges into battle, and Jayse the wizard casts a magic missile... four of the cloakers disappear! That's sneaky, they were mirror images. And now one of the cloakers has tackled him! It's wrapped itself around him, it's getting up close and personal.

Roy: Yes, it wants to have a relationship, H.G. It's saying, "I didn't like you firing those magic missiles at me, here's a tongue in the ear and a claw up the bunghole for your trouble".

H.G.: The others pull the cloaker off before it can go the distance with Jayse. He doesn't seem to appreciate all the attention. Duff the D*ckhead takes a swing at the cloaker, AND ACTUALLY HITS! He's so surprised that he stands there like a loon, he's so amazed at what he's done. Kondara the b*tch has to shove him out of the way of a cloaker that wants to bite his head off. Meanwhile, the joke is jumping off the walls like an insane pogo-stick, whacking the cloakers as she passes them -- that +30 bonus from the ring of jumping is coming in handy. The teenage ninja has his bow out, and shoots one down. Brat the angry necromancer fires off several charges from his wand of negative energy ray....

Roy: They're really doing a number on these cloakers. Like we said, this party is far too stupid to let their heads be exploded by a few jumped-up flying carpets!

H.G.: Yes, they've slaughtered most of the cloakers. The crowd here at the House of Monte loves it. There's one cloaker left, and it flies off at high speed down the tunnel.

Roy: Jayse has also noticed something magical under some rocks.

H.G.: The teenage ninja, the joke, the d*ckhead and the b*tch go chasing off after the cloaker. Meanwhile, the angry necromancer helps Jayse dig out what he's found... there's a few potions, lots and lots of coins, and a shiny new mace! Now there's a haul worthy of the House of Monte. Wouldn't you say so, Roy?

Roy: Yes, a true Monte haul. Jayse likes the look of that mace in particular. Oops, the others have caught up with the cloaker!

H.G.: It's non-stop action tonight, at the House of Monte. The cloaker turns to confront them. The d*ckhead is first up, and he takes a swing at it. Of course, he misses, because he's a d*ckhead. The cloaker cuts loose with a horrible, moaning, fear-inducing sound... and it's brown trousers time for the d*ckhead, who starts running away, screaming like a schoolgirl!

Roy: It's cutting loose again, H.G.!

H.G.: Yes, the cloaker lets off a shrieking, head-exploding sound this time, and HITS DUNCAN RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES! The teenage ninja obviously wasn't stupid enough to avoid it. Now he's standing there like a stunned mullet, off in la-la land.

Roy: That hit looks like it knocked all the sense out of him. He'll definitely be more stupid next time!

H.G.: And with its next shriek, the cloaker catches Padma RIGHT IN THE GUT! The joke doubles over, and she's in trouble... she's chundering all over the floor! This is obviously no ordinary cloaker, no mere jumped-up flying carpet we're dealing with here. It's the mother of all cloakers! And it's stunned silence here at the House of Monte; the crowd can't believe it's just Kondara the b*tch left to face it. She steps over the joke's technicolour yawn, and swings at the mother of all cloakers with her sword... she hits! But the mother of all cloakers is still standing, or should I say, still flying. It flies down and grapples the b*tch! It wraps itself around her!

Roy: It wants to go all the way, H.G. This relationship is about to be consummated, if you know what I mean. First the mother of all spiders, and now the mother of all cloakers. This could be the end of the road for the cleanup crew.

H.G.: What's this? It's the WIZARDS CHARGING TO THE RESCUE! Jayse has his shiny new mace out, and he's waving it around like he means business. He's taken a leaf out of the angry necromancer's book, obviously. He runs up to the mother of all cloakers, and BASHES IT SQUARE IN THE HEAD! The mother of all cloakers is DOWN FOR THE COUNT! It's another injury-time win for the cleanup crew, and isn't the crowd just lapping it up!

Roy: Yes, Brat did a textbook tackle on Duff the D*ckhead as he ran past, and that shook off the fear effects. He told them that the rest of the crew were being turned into chowder up the tunnel, and the wizards arrived just in time to save the party's bacon.

H.G.: That's a brilliant mixed metaphor, if I do say so myself, Roy. And as the cleanup crew picks themselves up off the floor (carefully avoiding Padma's chunder as they do so), what awaits them as they venture further into the domain of the fire temple? We'll find out after the break, here at the House of Monte!

[to be continued]

 

[madriel]

ROFLMAO

 

[hong]

Re: "He isn't surrounded, H.G., he's in an XP-rich environment."

"He isn't surrounded, H.G., he's in an XP-rich environment."

Very funny, but actually not original. I believe the quote comes from a documentary about the Falklands War. In that war the British expeditionary force had only two dozen or so Harriers whereas the Argentineans had almost a hundred French Mirages. A pilot (I think) was being interviewed and was asked "Well, you were totally outnumbered weren't you?"; to which he responded, deadpan (as only the British can) in an upper crust accent, "It was certainly a target rich environment."

Actually, I first saw it in a tagline on a BBS (as opposed to a web board; those were the days): "we are not surrounded, we are ina target-rich environment".

As an aside, it's interesting to note how we're now two generations removed from the original meaning of "bulletin board".

 

[hong]

Magic Mushroom Time, or Roy and H.G. do RttToEE, pt 5


H.G.: Welcome back to the House of Monte, everyone. If you want hot, syllabic action, you've come to the right place. To recap, before the break, the cleanup crew had cleaned up some cloakers, flying bat-like things that make your head explode. Well, no bloody way were the cleanup crew's heads going to explode! They showed those cloakers a thing or two, didn't they, Roy?

Roy: They certainly did, H.G. And they did it with the marvellously simple tactic of not having anything in the head to explode. Empty vessels can't explode -- it's simple physics, basic stuff, really. And yet it's something that all the clever d*cks out there keep missing.

H.G.: Also, during the break, the cleanup crew found a hermit living in the caves, along with his dire bear pet. He said he'd been kicked out of the Inner Fane, and now he only wanted a place where he could live in peace and grow his mushrooms. And he had quite a sizeable crop too. Lots and lots of magic mushrooms.

Roy: I think we're all mature enough to know what that means.

H.G.: Yes, I think we are, Roy. To be honest, I'm not sure that this sort of encounter is really suited for a PG-rated dungeon.

Roy: I agree, H.G. Good, healthy violence is one thing, there's nothing wrong with it. A bit of the old-fashioned poke and niggle is good for the soul. Violence never killed anybody! But DRUGS -- that's something else altogether! Now I realise that the Arteeteetee'o'ee'ee is a dungeon from the old school, aimed at old-school gamers. These are people who grew up with the Keep on the Borderlands, the original Tee'o'ee'ee, the Slavers, the Giants modules. You know, old farts like us, who are old enough to handle this kind of material. But that's not good enough. Think of the kids! Don't they know that D&D products are sold over the counter, without any regulation or adult supervision needed? Kids could come along and pick up lurid descriptions of DRUGS, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, they're hooked for life!

H.G.: Well, the joke blew 100 gold pieces on a couple of doses of magic mushroom juice, "for medicinal purposes", of course. I'd never have guessed she had a habit.

Roy: It just goes to show, H.G., you can never be sure. I'm very disappointed in Padma, personally. I'm sure she can handle it, and I don't deny that as an adult she has a perfect right to use whatever she wants to use; but that's not the point. Doesn't she know she's a role model? There must be thousands, if not millions of people hanging on to her every move. Kids everywhere are looking to her and the rest of the cleanup crew to provide an example. They're saying, "when I grow up, I want to be just as stupid as these characters". It's just a dereliction of duty for her to act in such a completely irresponsible manner.

H.G.: I should also say, Roy, that we're only revealing this because we -- Roy and I -- we have a firm and unshakeable commitment to journalistic integrity. We believe in giving our viewers the full picture.

Roy: That's right, H.G. We're here to give you the straight dope.

H.G.: Exactly. Moving on from that distasteful business, the cleanup crew have left the hermit pusher and his product far behind... they're penetrated a long way into fire temple territory. And now they've come to a strange cavern. The floor of the cavern is covered by a large bronze or brass sheet in the shape of a diamond, and there are four pillars around it with big, flaming orbs on top of them.

Roy: It looks like they've reached the temple complex, H.G.

H.G.: It certainly looks like it, Roy. Some fire mephits fly down to meet the crew... they're demanding that the party surrender. And the joke obviously doesn't have a CLUE what's going on, because she wants them to surrender instead! She's high, isn't she?

Roy: As a kite. Who needs boots of flying, when you've got mushroom juice?

H.G.: The mephits fly off, probably in disgust. The cleanup crew doesn't like being stood up like that, not to mention that the mephits will probably alert the whole bloody temple. They're giving chase! They chase the mephits down the corridor!

Roy: They're using the map of the fire temple that the gargoyle drew for them earlier, H.G. Another example of how they're using their stupidity to advantage. A clever d*ck party would probably try some clever d*ck tactic, like stopping and asking for directions. Not this party! Rather than overheat their brains by thinking up clever d*ck tactics, they're going to take the stupid way out and use the map.

H.G.: It's against the adventurer's code of honour to stop and ask directions, don't you know. They've caught up with one of the mephits! It pulls on a rope, and an alarm bell rings out! The jig is up now, there's soldiers running in from all directions. There must be dozens of them, with heavy armour and spears.

Roy: This is going to be painful.

H.G.: You're absolutely right, Roy, as Galadhriel with an H steps up, and FIREBALLS THEM ALL! That's what I like about sorceresses with huge Charisma, they get straight to the point. Those mooks shouldn't have bothered showing up. Go back to reserve grade, you losers! The mephit wasn't harmed, though, and it flies off, into a large cave filled with thick smoke. It's like LA on a bad day down there, you can't see a thing.

Roy: That's the worst smog I've ever seen. Yet more evidence -- as if we needed any -- that this dungeon really is a toilet.

H.G.: The cleanup crew are blundering around in the smog, completely lost. What's that shriek? It's the joke! She's fallen into a hole and can't get out. An 80-foot-deep hole, judging from the distant splatting sound she makes as she hits the bottom. A nasty trap indeed, Roy.

Roy: She's all right, H.G. She was flying so high from the juice that she managed to avoid taking much of the damage.

H.G.: Now she's got to get out again, though. Brat and Jayse have the rope out, and throw it down to her. And Duncan the teenage ninja comes running up, he's heard the shriek, and wants to see what's going on. Oops, he wasn't watching where he was going, and falls into the hole too!

Roy: He's a ninja, I'm sure he can take it.

H.G.: Not when the joke tries to grab him and breaks his rhythm, he can't. They tumble down the hole together, and there's another distant splatting sound as they hit the bottom again. This is starting to resemble a Warner Brothers cartoon, and the joke is playing Daffy Duck.

Roy: Speaking of which, Chuck Jones, R.I.P. 2002; we'll never forget you, Chuckie. Yes, you've got the joke down pat, H.G. Daffy is completely psychotic, never has any idea what's going on, and tends to jump from crisis to crisis in a very silly way. That's Padma the joke, all right.

H.G.: The angry necromancer and the wizard finally haul the ninja and the joke out... meanwhile, Kondara the b*tch has finally found the exit! The cleanup crew stumbles out of the smog, and it's about time, too. So, Roy, if the joke is playing Daffy Duck, who do you think the rest of the cleanup crew is playing?

Roy: Well, for starters, I think Brat the angry necromancer would be Yosemite Sam. Always angry, and the owner of a fast-shootin' wand of negative energy ray, to boot. And Galadhriel would be Wile E. Coyote. She doesn't say much, but whenever she's around, watch out for the explosions. She should try looking for a sponsorship deal from Acme. I'll have to think about the others. There's just so many possibilities to choose from!

H.G.: Yes, moving on, the cleanup crew are heading for the temple proper. That's where they're sure they'll meet Tessimon, the cleric in charge of the show, and all her goons. And straight away, they're proven wrong, when the b*tch is grabbed from above by a huge serpentine tail! It's a bloody great fiery salamander, and it drops down from the ceiling to attack them!

Roy: It's the father of all salamanders!

H.G.: It's the father of all salamanders all right, Roy. It's the leader of the salamanders here at the fire temple. It's strangling the b*tch to death, and now it unsheathes its huge greatsword -- I've never seen one that big before. It's hitting on the sorceress with huge Charisma, it's saying, "come here and let me get intimate with you with my whacking great sword".

Roy: Perhaps you mean a greatsword of whacking, H.G. Oh, and that's a GOOD HIT! She's DOWN!

H.G.: Yes, Roy, the salamander really hit on her hard, and Galadhriel's just gone down on the end of its greatsword of whacking, if you know what I mean. It'll take them ages to clean up that mess. The rest of the cleanup crew swings into action! The joke jumps in, and slashes at the father of all salamanders with her frost sword -- that's nasty, against a fire creature. The teenage ninja grabs his bow, and lets fly several arrows. They all catch alight and burn to ashes, but not before inflicting hefty damage. Duff the D*ckhead misses, as usual....

Roy: They're surrounding it. Is that a good move?

H.G.: Not a good move at all, as the salamander goes completely troppo and unleashes a WHIRLWIND ATTACK! Some impressive slicing and dicing there, Roy, lots of blood on the floor. The cleanup crew may have empty heads, but they've got gallons of blood to bleed. But that was the last throw of the dice for the father of all salamanders, so to speak, because he's made Jayse the wizard angry, and the last thing you want to do is unleash the mongrel in a wizard. He cuts loose with a spray of magic missiles! The father of all salamanders collapses in a heap! He's DOWN and OUT!

Roy: I'm quite impressed, H.G. That salamander had the biggest sword I've ever seen, but it just goes to show that size doesn't matter, stupidity does. And no-one's as stupid as the cleanup crew.

H.G.: Yes, but now they're in trouble; two party members are down and seriously hurt. Padma gets out her wand again, and starts burning through the cure light wounds... hang on, they're interrupted! From down the other end of the tunnel, a boofheaded fighter in plate armour is charging at them, screaming bloody murder!

Roy: Late for the fight, as usual. What is it with these people, don't they know how to stick to a timetable? Isn't there anybody in this dungeon who's competent to run things?

H.G.: Obviously not, Roy. He charges into Duncan, and slaps him around a bit -- actually, quite a lot. The b*tch is on 5 hit points, and is content to unsling her bow and shoot off a token arrow. But the rest of the cleanup crew swings into action once again! The necromancer on angry pills fires off more negative energy rays from his wand... that's a good trick, if you know how to pull it off. Duff the D*ckhead switches direction, and charges up to meet the enemy. I can't tell who's who, all boofheaded fighters in plate look the same to me. Ah, one of them missed, that must be the d*ckhead. Galadhriel with an H has just woken up, and contributes more magic missiles.

Roy: The fighter's totally befuddled, H.G.! He wasn't expecting the cleanup crew to be this efficient.

H.G.: Yes, they swarm up and around the fighter... the joke flies past him, fuelled by those magic mushrooms, and lands another hit with her frost sword. More boom spells come flying in from the wizards... even the d*ckhead manages to hit this time! And it's all over! Your comments, Roy?

Roy: All in all, I'd have to say that that was a pretty impressive display of stupidity from the cleanup crew, H.G. Notice how as soon as those enemies appeared, they reacted without thinking at all. You can only do that if you've short-circuited the connection between brain and body. None of this flank this way, dodge that way bullcrap. That only works in a game, and this is no game! When you come right down to it, when the sh*t hits the fan, and the boots hit the paddock, and it's down to two packs of stinking, sweaty blokes bashing heads against each other in a primal, blood-and-guts, life-and-death, winner-takes-all contest, then it's just a matter of seeing which side can be more stupid when it counts.

H.G.: Completely agree, Roy. Meanwhile, it looks like the cleanup crew has finally reached the fire temple proper. What awaits them inside? To find out, join us again right after the break, here at the House of Monte!


[to be continued]

 

[hong]

Roy and H.G. do RttToEE, big finale

Near Enough is Close Enough, or Roy and H.G. do RttToEE, pt 6


[In which these tales come to an end.]


H.G. Welcome back, viewers, to the Arteeteetee'o'ee'ee, here at the House of Monte. And we're taking you right back to the action at the fire temple, where the cleanup crew are arming for bear. They're at the entrance to the temple itself, where the remaining fire temple forces are waiting for them. Duncan the teenage ninja sneaks up to the entrance while invisible, and takes a peek at what's inside... it's a humongous cavern, absolutely gigantic. In the middle is a great big pit of molten lava, some fifty feet across. Floating on top of the pit is a square rock platform... there's a number of people on the platform, a cleric and a mage of some sort, and four guards. Also in the cavern, between the lava pit and the entrance, there's six skeletons wreathed in flame.

Roy: Nothing! That's nothing! This crew is so stupid, they'll blow their way past this lot without breaking a sweat!

H.G.: Don't forget, Roy, that these temple clerics can summon bloody big elementals, like the one that had Jayse pushing up the daisies last time. Meet one of those, and it's brown trousers time all round. Here we go, the cleanup crew have decided on a plan. They're going to lay down a barrage of boom spells, then charge in and mop up anything left standing.

Roy: I like that plan. It's completely stupid, which means it'll probably work.

H.G.: They're breaking out the scrolls of invisibility, and Jayse casts fly on Duncan the ninja, who disappears... he also gives scrolls of dispel magic to the angry necromancer, and the sorceress with huge Charisma. I think he's making a big assumption here, Roy, we've seen no evidence that the sorceress can read. The joke casts bless on everybody... and they're going in! The sorceress with huge Charisma and the wizard cast lightning bolt and ice burst respectively on to the platform! Well, so much for those guards.

Roy: Life is hard if you're a 1HD mook facing 9th level spellcasters. What are these guys doing in an EL 10 fight, anyway? Who designed this bloody dungeon?

H.G.: And the teenage ninja suddenly appears in a flash, some 30 to 40 feet above the platform! Someone, probably Tessimon, must have had an invisibility purge going, and he's flown right into it. He's so shocked, he only just manages to remember to get an arrow off.

Roy: I'm told that it's a zone of revelation spell, H.G., and it's from the Manual of the Planes. She's buffed up too, is Tessimon. I've got to ask, what's this bloody business with monsters buffing up before a fight, AND using enhancements from the splatbooks? It's unheard of!

H.G.: Meanwhile, the flaming skeletons lumber up and block the entryway, and they slash at the spellcasters! What a good thing they've got mage armour and shield spells up, and are harder to hit than fighters in full plate. And now the cleric and sorcerer on the platform complete a ritual, and a BLOODY MASSIVE GREATER ELEMENTAL APPEARS! Yes, a 32-foot-tall greater fire elemental has just popped into being with a thunderous roar, and it's right on top of, or should I say, right underneath Duncan. This plan is going pear-shaped right from the start. The elemental HITS THE TEENAGE NINJA FOR 40 POINTS OF DAMAGE!

Roy: And those were pissweak damage rolls, too.

H.G.: You were right about the brown trousers thing, Roy. That elemental has lit a fire under Duncan's butt; we can smell the scorched brown stuff from here. He suddenly decides that discretion is the better part of valour, and beats a hasty retreat off to the side of the cavern. The flaming skeletons have completely blocked the entryway, and the others are finding it hard to get into the cave. Oh, except for the joke, who tumbles past them and moves to block the elemental, which is striding up to join the fight. Those magic mushrooms must not quite have worn off yet. She doesn't care that it could incinerate her with a couple of hits! She's not suffering from brown trousers, oh no, not her!

Roy: You're quite right, H.G. But the red haze has dropped over her eyes, the scent of blood is in her nostrils. The crowd loves these displays of stupidity, especially when it gets someone killed. The best kind of stupidity is flamboyant stupidity, and there's few things as flamboyantly stupid as going toe-to-toe with a fire elemental five times taller than you.

H.G.: It's death-or-glory time, and self-preservation is going right out the door, here at the House of Monte. Well, except for the teenage ninja, who's sniping at Tessimon from about a mile away. The d*ckhead and the b*tch join forces to bull rush the flaming skeletons, and they push them out of the entryway. Jayse the wizard casts a spell at the cleric, but it fizzles! Tessimon not only has a zone of revelation spell going, but she's got spell resistance as well. The joke lands a solid hit on the greater fire elemental, for 26 points of damage! But now it's the elemental's turn, and it POUNDS THE JOKE INTO THE GROUND!

Roy: Yes, the joke has gone flat. Nobody's laughing anymore. As you said, H.G., it's death-or-glory time, and it could well be the former option for Padma.

H.G.: Wait, it's the turn of Brat, the necromancer on angry pills. He's angry all right, he's really angry at what's going on! He's got the dispel magic scroll that Jayse gave him, and he's angry enough to cast it RIGHT AT THE ELEMENTAL! And what do you know, he rolls a NATURAL 20 ON THE DISPEL CHECK! That's enough to send the elemental SCREAMING BACK TO ITS HOME PLANE!

Roy: I have to say, that was utterly brilliant, the equivalent of a try-saving tackle from the fullback. I wonder if Brat's ever given thought to playing rugby league?

H.G.: And not only that, as an encore he's angry enough to send a vampiric touch spell right at the sorcerer on the platform! The sorcerer botches his save, and freezes up solid! Tessimon doesn't like this turn of events at all, and she casts a hold person spell back, at Galadhriel. And the sorceress with huge Charisma also botches her save, and freezes up too!

Roy: We should mention, H.G., that Brat used a spectral hand to cast that vampiric touch at the sorcerer. Because vampiric touch is, as it says, a touch spell, and the sorcerer was located some distance away, on the platform. I'm saying this just to emphasise how H.G. and I are committed to bringing you nothing but the unvarnished truth.

H.G.: That's right. As Roy says, you can trust us, we wouldn't lie to you. And now Galadhriel's in trouble; she's held, right next to a flaming skeleton. It goes to town on her, doing 15 points of damage. That means she needs a 25 on her Fort save to survive the coup de grace attempt, which by my calculations, means at least a 19 on a d20. That's really tough... here comes the roll... it's an 18!

Roy: Oh, so close, and yet so far. You have to say, though, that... hang on, what's going on?

H.G.: She's NOT DEAD! Apparently, it's "CLOSE ENOUGH!" WELL, I NEVER!

Roy: GET THE DM OFF! THE DM IS BLIND!

H.G.: It's bedlam here at the House of Monte. That's the most outrageous refereeing decision I've ever seen in my life! There's no bloody way that was close enough! Everyone saw that die roll!

Roy: You're absolutely right, H.G. The rules are crystal clear: if you're the subject of a coup de grace attempt, you have to make a Fortitude save with a DC of 10 + the damage dealt, or be killed instantly. And 15 points of damage equates to a Fort save DC of 25. That's two-five, twenty-five -- you know, FIFTEEN plus TEN, or TWENTY plus FIVE, for some arithmetically-challenged DMs, not naming any names, of course! Not 24! And that means she needed a 19, not an 18! I don't care how much time Galadhriel's been around or how much everyone likes her, you can't start playing favourites now. I mean, what about NPCs' rights? Don't monsters and other adversaries count for this sort of treatment? Faceless horrors are people too, you know! As soon as DMs start thinking that player characters' lives somehow matter in a campaign, that'll be the end of D&D as we know it!

H.G.: I'm starting to have serious doubts about where this DM's priorities lie, Roy. Anyway, Jayse casts another ice burst, and shreds the sorcerer to bits. The fighters start hacking back at the flaming skeletons... and the joke must still be juiced up something horrid, because she leaps over the lava pit, right on to the platform! She charges at Tessimon, and now I know she's still juiced up something horrid, because she trips over her own feet and just barely avoids falling into the lava!

Roy: Tessimon's taking the platform up into the air, even as she's fighting the joke. She's disgusted at what just went on; she's not going to hang around!

H.G.: And now Padma's mushroom juice must have finally worn off, because she's just realised she's down to 12 hit points, and she's fighting a high-level cleric all by herself. She digs out a potion of cure moderate wounds, and sculls it down. What a pisspot. But what's this? It's the teenage ninja SWOOPING IN TO THE RESCUE! He SNEAK ATTACKS TESSIMON RIGHT WHERE IT HURTS, for 30 POINTS OF DAMAGE!

Roy: That's another brilliant move by the cleanup crew, I've got to say. Duncan noticed that the joke gave him a flanking opportunity, and he moved to take advantage of it. Maybe he should also give thought to playing rugby league.

H.G.: But Tessimon isn't dead yet, and now she's noticed that Duncan's right on the edge of the platform... she's going to bull rush him off the edge! And with a buffed-up Strength of 19, she easily succeeds. He gets knocked off the platform, and it rises up into the ceiling! Yes, it's gone THROUGH a hole in the ceiling, which we can now see was covered by an illusion. It's just Padma and Tessimon now. Tessimon's in trouble; she's severely injured. She pulls out her rod of viscid globs and strikes Padma with it!

Roy: By the way, H.G., that rod used to be a wand, and it first made its appearance 20-odd years ago, in the module "The Hall of the Fire Giant King". This module was, of course, written by our esteemed tongue-meister, Gary Gygax. I've got nothing but admiration for Gary's way of coming up with hard, tentacular things that spit sticky stuff at you. It's a singular gift.

H.G.: And Padma has managed to evade the worst effects of the viscid globs. That was Tessimon's last chance; I think we all know how this battle is going to end, and it's not going to be good for the priestess of the fire temple. Tessimon has that "I may be about to die, but f*ck you anyway" look in her eye. It's a look that will be familiar to thousands of veterans of dungeon crawls over the last twenty-seven years. The world goes into slow-motion as Padma steps in, easily dodging under Tessimon's guard, and brings her sword up, into the belly of her adversary, and out the other side. The light goes out in Tessimon's eyes, and she collapses to the floor. And the curtain comes down for the priestess of the fire temple!

Roy: Yes, a dramatic climax to the battle in the fire temple, H.G. But it's not quite over yet; Padma's still stuck on the platform, which is wedged in a hole in the ceiling.

H.G. You're right, Roy, and there's a chamber up here as well, with what looks like some valuable treasure. But now she's got to get out of this place, and she's examining the platform closely, looking for some sort of marking, or carvings maybe, runes of some kind that will show how to command this platform to move.

Roy: You know, it's probably something as simple as thinking "up" to move up, and "down" to move down.

H.G.: And you know what, Roy, you're absolutely right.

Roy: What a bloody joke!

H.G.: Padma brings the platform back down, with the body of Tessimon at her feet. And while they were fighting up there, the rest of the cleanup crew have cleaned up the remaining monsters in the cave. Jayse has cast a dispel magic on Galadhriel, removing the paralysis. Duff and Kondara have wiped up the flaming skeletons, and Duncan is killing off some fiendish dire bats that were summoned sometime during the fight. You know, "the fiendish dire bats" would be a great name for a rock band. I can't remember when they appeared, it must have been during the business with Galadhriel being "close enough" on her Fort save. Your thoughts, Roy?

Roy: Yes, thank you, H.G. It was a great climactic battle, full of drama and excitement, against some very strong opposition. I can't really add anything, H.G., I thought your call of the play captured it all -- the drama, the tension, the blood and guts....

H.G.: The fact that the ref was blind....

Roy: Um, yes, that too. That was a bit embarrassing, but let's face it, the fact is that every DM has an off day. I'm sure the cleanup crew won't make anything of this momentary lapse. And I'm sure they know that the next time they venture into this dungeon, the monsters will be just as tough, if not tougher, than they were this time. Because this dungeon still isn't finished, you know. They've wrecked all the temples of the elements, but there's still the Inner Fane, and the Outer Fane left. Who knows what horrible monsters and villains lurk on that island in the middle of the lake? And what's going to happen to the hapless sods who met the shade of Th****dun the elder god, in his abandoned temple? There's all sorts of things still left to clear up, trash to take out. And the cleanup crew is the mob to do the job.

H.G.: Yes, you're quite right, Roy. But for the time being, that's it from us. I'm H.G. Nelson, and he's Rampaging Roy Slaven, and we're signing off, from the House of Monte. Hope you enjoyed the show! Thank you!

 

[The Furious Puffin]

THE END

It's a shame it's all over, but thanks for the laughs

 

[Darkness]

It's likely to be incomprehensible to everyone except us Austrians, ...

You mean "Australians," right? I am an Austrian - probably the only one on the boards...