D&D 5E Tales From The Awning Pothole

[Lanefan]

a-a-and let's try this again...

"You like pie, don't you?" asked Alber't'ickle. "Of course you do. Everyone likes pie; and I was making you a pi."

"Where is pie?" replied the troll.

"In here", said the fast-thinking thief, pointing to the open inspection cover. "It can't be left out in the sun, see, or it'll melt; so I had to keep it in here."

And the troll, being hungry and suddenly very much liking the idea of some pie, bent down and peered into the small wire-filled cavity. "He-ey, I don't see no..." and that was as far as he got before Alber't'ickle brought a mighty ten-limbed backstrike to bear and felled the beast on the spot. He left it to burn in the broiling sun.

Feeling quite pleased with himself (as well he should, he'd just gained a level on the spot for this), Alber't'ickle looted the troll to the tune of 3 g.p. and a shiny club then opened the gate for the party. "All clear!" he called. "Got 'im!".

The party passed through in their fine new or-toe-mobile; and as they did it occurred to Alber't'ickle to look for (and loot) the toll box. He quickly found it, more quickly looted it, and even more quickly ran to the car. "Go! Go! Go!" he cried. "I think I just alerted every troll in the desert!"

And he gave each party member 17 g.p., Tippy received a potion of who-knows-what, Johnny got a fine-looking (and glowing!) khopesh, and Alber't'ickle kept the two matching daggers. And somewhere along here Tippy tossed a couple of cures into himself, such that he could stub his toe without immediately needing to make death saves.

And so the car rolled toward the oasis........

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-2; Hammer, unknown potion, 17 g.p.) - 12 h.p.
-- Claude (Lobster; Tippy's familiar; Boomerang)
Ikidunot (aka Toothpaste) (Wizard-2; books)
Alber't'ickle (Octo-Thief-3; 3 daggers, magic club, 26 g.p., plenty of ink)
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-2; Versatile Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling, 17 g.p.)
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes; several stones, 17 g.p.)
Johnny (Human Fighter-3; magic khopesh, 17 g.p.) - 18 h.p. of 20
Xabatha (Dragon Mother of Dragon)

 

[BoldItalic]

"I'll get them eventually," muttered Time to himself. Then he had a cunning idea. "Time is an illusion," he reminded himself. He would cover the real oasis with an illusion to make it look like a mirage. Then, when they got to the oasis they would think it was just a mirage and go off searching for the other real one and never find it and perish in the desert. "Hah!" he thought, "That will teach them to waste my time."

Then Time summoned his time-serving artificers and gave them clear and precise instructions about what to do to create the illusion. The artificers set to work with a will and called a meeting to decide about forming a working party to set objectives but the meeting was adjourned until next week because no-one had ordered the coffee as it wasn't on the agenda. Next week, the meeting reconvened to agree the agenda for the next meeting in a month's time and after lengthy debate that took up the entire morning it was passed unanimously with the chairperson exercising a casting vote. Then they appointed a secretary to the meeting who minuted that, despite all difficulties, real progress had been achieved. On a point of order, a motion was then tabled to the effect that the discussion about next month's agenda had been premature because it happened before the secretary had been appointed and proper procedures had not been followed. This was approved by the meeting so they had the discussion all over again after lunch and this time it was minuted.

"Oh, look," said Tasha, "There's an oasis over there."

 

[Lanefan]

As I-cat-unot was getting seriously low on gas, and as the destination was near anyway, he decided to transform himself back into Ikidunot the wizard. However, he had matured during the intervening time and was thus promoted to Igoatunot. This gave him two things: it bumped his level by one, and he now had a three-times-per-day head butt attack. The head-butt ability did come with a drawback: if used while he still had any spells prepared those spells would be lost if the head butt successfully hit, largely due to self-influcted concussion.

Tippy took this opportunity to halt the party and give a rousing speech of inspiration, encouragement and valour. When he finished with a soaring flourish, the party cheered...and thus alerted the oasis' residents to their presence - oops - who all took up ambush positions and waited...

Weapons drawn and spells prepared, the party entered the oasis just as Xabatha - who had come to check up on her diamond-toting slaves - flew in from the other side, catching the ambushers completely off guard.....

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-2; Hammer, unknown potion, 17 g.p.) - 12 h.p. of 16
-- Claude (Lobster; Tippy's familiar; Boomerang)
Igoatunot (was Ikidunot, was Toothpaste, was Macfeece) (Wizard-3 with 3x/day headbutt attack; books)
Alber't'ickle (Octo-Thief-3; 3 daggers, magic club, 26 g.p., plenty of ink)
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-2; Versatile Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling, 17 g.p.)
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes; several stones, 17 g.p.)
Johnny (Human Fighter-3; magic khopesh, 17 g.p.) - 18 h.p. of 20
Xabatha (Dragon Mother of Dragon)

 

[rgoodbb]

catching the ambushers completely off guard.....

So off guard in fact that all the time-serving artificers could do was freeze in panic. Xabatha saw these frozen individuals and mistook the whole area for a battlefield of a Medusa war.

"Statues ahead. Gorgon alert! Gorgon alert!"

"What do we do? How do we fight a Medusa?"

"Well."

"Yes."

"Close your eyes."

"Yes."

"Turn around."

"Yes"

"And......"

"Yes."

"Walk away."

"Yes."

"And."

"Yes."

"Carry on walking."

Ye...Wait. you just mean walk away don't you?

"..............................Yes"

"Well I think you are right about one thing though"

"What's that?"

"I think we walk backwards towards our enemy. I really think that's the strongest tactic we could play here."

"Agreed."

So the party did indeed do an about face and slowly started to traverse the dunes and awkwardly move backwards towards their enemy. They were all terrible at this apart from Tippy, who seemed to find this remarkably easy...............

 

[BoldItalic]

The sand was suddenly kicked up by a beating of wings, as Flora landed in front of them. Or behind them, depending how you look at it. "Daddy said you would be here," she announced cheerfully, "but he didn't say you would be walking backwards. Why are you doing that?"

"Because of the medusa. Don't look at it!"

"There isn't one, silly. Turn around, and see for yourselves."

"No! You won't trick us that easily!"

"Flora," interposed Tippy hurriedly, "I have a most important message for you."

"What, about Cholmondeley's wedding? Yes, Mummy told me. Isn't it exciting?"

"So, I have already completed my Quest, and didn't fnrub trksaw?" (Tikky's visor had slipped again).

"Yes, I expect you will get lots of milestones and levels and whatnot. Isn't that lovely?"

"Htnud prscbn!"

"Just in time, too. Over there in that abandoned rock temple, there are some really evil people waiting for you and they are at least 8th level. At least. Daddy is guarding the door so that once you go in, he will slam it shut and you can't escape their wrathful vengeance."

Igoatyounot didn't like the sound of this. It seemed like a trap, except that if it was a trap you weren't supposed to know about it until you finded it, so it must be a trick. Like a door that opened two ways or something. He remembered something. "Tippy, you are good at Augury, what does it say about the rock temple?"

Taking his helmet off completely, Tippy fumbled in his pack for his ivory sticks. Then he held the sticks carefully and dropped his pack haphazardly on the ground. "There is weal and woe," he announced. "I think it means that one side will be victorious and the other side will all die."

"Yes, but which? It could be important," suggested Alber't'ickle.

Tasha laughed suddenly. "Only one way to find out!"

Meanwhile, the time serving artificers had formed a subcommittee to report back on the feasibility of holding a meeting to review the situation and make recommendations that could then be considered by the working party.

Meanwhile, in the rock temple, improbable monsters were being herded into rooms that were far too small to contain them, along corridors that were strewn with traps that they somehow didn't trigger; fresh barrels of arrows, trays of healing potions and small bags of gold were being placed at the exits from each level to the next; the system of invisible burglar alarms was being given its final test; illusions were being ... illuded ... and everything being made ready for a thumping good dungeon crawl.

Except ...

---

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-3; Hammer, unknown potion, 17 g.p.) - full h.p.
-- Claude (Lobster; Tippy's familiar; Boomerang)
Igoatunot (was Ikidunot, was Toothpaste, was Macfeece) (Wizard-3 with 3x/day headbutt attack; books)
Alber't'ickle (Octo-Thief-3; 3 daggers, magic club, 26 g.p., plenty of ink)
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-2; Versatile Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling, 17 g.p.)
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes; several stones, 17 g.p.)
Johnny (Human Fighter-3; magic khopesh, 17 g.p.) - 18 h.p. of 20

Xabatha (Dragon Mother of Dragon)
Flora (Chintz Dragon)
Mušḫuššu (Babylonian Dragon)

 

[rgoodbb]

Except ...

Bar De-Door, Char-Ging, Ming-Vahz (spelling?) and Kate the Siren/Enchantress had just entered the megadungeon from stage left. They had slowly but covertly followed the powerful bard: Footnote. He had succeeded where they had all failed. He had gained entrance to through the Dance-Door and had bypassed several minions just waiting in place for no good reason. He had passed the Otyugh because all dungeons apparently needed one of those to make the dungeon dynamic and have reason.........................whatever......................trash.


He bypassed the Owlbear with a dose of Otto's, He had out-tremmored all the tremorsense monsters with his multi-tap attack, and was well on his way to the megadungeon-prize, when......he met....his worst fear. His nemesis. the only thing in the universe that gave him cold sweats and sleepless nights. His phobia, his anti. His nightmare. His krypt...you get the idea..........................................................

Bar De-Door (Ultimate Sticky Evil Tank-Level 5)
Char-Ging (Storm Sorceress-Level 4)
Ming-Vahz (Way of the Hair and Knitting Needles Monk/Multiclass-Level 3/X)
Kate (Enchanter Wizard-Level-2)

Footnote (Bard-College of sonic feet-Level 7)

 

[BoldItalic]

Footnote sat down in an archway and wept. Before him was a vaulted stone chamber that was the legendary Crypt of Javas. Windows to left and right had cunningly-wrought screens set into the frames. The screens were blue. They were the blue screens of death. In the middle of the floor was a colourful rectangular mat. On the mat there was a mouse. It was a mouse mat.

The mouse sniffed the air as Foonote approached and its whiskers twitched in grim anticipation. Footnote knew with sudden dread that if he crossed the chamber, there would be a Javas Crypt Event but he had no way of knowing what it would portend. Facing his doom bravely, he stepped forward as if to stride across the mouse and continue on his way. It was a magnificent guesture but a fatal error. An OnMouseOver event was triggered and he was fatally impaled on the end of a huge chisel that sprang suddenly out of the floor. It was a popup tooltip.

The evil four were dismayed but they had no time to mourn, for approaching stealthily down the corridor behind them came the ghastly form of a demon that was half-man, half-octopus. It was Alber't'ickle, scouting a little ahead of his friends.

 

[Lanefan]

....a thumping good dungeon crawl.....

.....Alber't'ickle, scouting a little ahead of his friends......

"Thumping good dungeon crawl - they sure weren't kidding about the thumping", thought Alber't'ickle as he crept along the hallway; for sure enough, as he progressed he could more and more clearly hear a rhythmic incessant thumping from somewhere ahead. "On the bright side, at least I can mess up my sneaking a bit and nobody will notice."

Another short sound ahead followed by a groan stopped Alber't'ickle in his tracks. No further sounds followed so he resumed his careful trek, and was rewarded when on rounding a corner he saw a room bathed in blue light and someone quickly leaving through a door on its far side. Creeping to the room's entrance he noted a foot to his left, and then noted the rest of the impaled body it was attached to.

He also noticed a smell of very old, stale coffee; and realized he had in fact found the legendary Java's Crypt.

A gentle squeak then drew his attention to a small gray mouse, sitting nearby on what looked like a tiny rug and twitching its whiskers. "Who are you, hm?" he quietly murmured. "Friend? Foe? Let's find out", and he slowly reached down to the mouse. The mouse in turn reared up on its hind legs and sniffed Alber't'ickle's hand, then in an oddly catlike move used its nose to flick the hand onto its back as if it wanted to be petted. And so Alber't'ickle, momentarily forgetting what he was supposed to be doing or even why he was here, stroked the mouse and moved it slightly.

And suddenly all the blue screens weren't blue any more......

 

[rgoodbb]

And suddenly all the blue screens weren't blue any more......

Each screen turned black and then produced a pipe. It elongated and changed direction. Another pipe of a different colour and another and more intertwining with each other until the Octo-thief could no longer look at them and then the screens went dark again. A pipe appeared and they started over again. Was this torture? Was this a Hypnotic Trance? Was it a timed puzzle? The rest of the crew arrived.

Tippy took it all in. Dead Footnote, Mouse on a rug, Screens with weird symbols. He performed a medical check on Footnote, taking in his last horrific facial pose. This man died of a phobia. He then looked at the screens again. Each had a puzzling '@' symbol on it's bottom left corner.

"What do you think Tippy?"

"I think if we stay here too long, those screens will make us face our phobias, our worst nightmares, our krypt...you get the picture."

"Are we in trouble"

"Right now we are A Party with an [MENTION=11373]Mouse[/MENTION]fear....................................." (sorry)

 

[BoldItalic]

Igoatunot tapped one of the screens experimentally with his staff to see if it was made of arcanium or something ordinary like glass. Seemingly in response, a pattern of runic characters suddenly appeared across the bottom of it. They made no sense; for one thing, they were all different. He cast Comprehend Characters but it didn't help. "Is it some kind of poem?" he asked himself, "And what is a qwert? Is it a new kind of monster? Should I be terribly afraid? I don't feel terribly afraid?"

With sudden insight, Tippy recited "Pterodactyl - cup - sunflower - camel. It was on the troll gate. I think it was a clue."

So Igoatunot obediently tapped on those runes and then jumped backwards in alarm as a voice spoke suddenly from the wall. It was a female voice. A voice like an enchantress would use. A voice that beguiled, but very subtly so you didn't realise it was drawing you in. It was the voice of Kate. But it wasn't Kate. It was Kate-ana.

"Oh dear. I'm afraid I need you to log in again so I can help," said the Kate-ana voice charmingly.

Tasha had no patience with the arcane, nor with beguiling female voices. Her halberd smashed into the screen and shattered it into little shards of crystal. And yet the voice was undeterred. "Oh dear. I'm afraid I need you to log in again so I can help," it repeated woodenly. Clearly, this voice was programmed to say the same sentence over and over again, whatever happened.

"Nothing to be afraid of, it's just a Magic Mouth," reported Igoatunot and he dispelled it with ease. Kate-ana fell silent.

Meanwhile, Alber't'ickle had pocketed the mouse and its mat and searched the room. In one corner he found an empty matchbox but his search returned zero matches so he threw it away again. He peered through an archway on the far side of the room and tested the floor and walls beyond for traps. It seemed safe, so he called the others to follow.

One of the two blue screens was still intact. A box of writing appeared on it, but by this time no-one was looking because they had all followed Alber't'ickle through the archway. This was a pity because it might have been helpful if they had seen what it said.

After slipping away unnoticed from their pursuers, Bar De Door and his friends arrived at an endless stairway and had to decide whether to go up or down. They chose ...

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