Tips for an Expectant Father

[Olaf the Stout]

If everything goes as expected (which it won't ), my wife and I are about 5 weeks away from welcoming an Olaf or Olafette Junior into our house.

As this is our first child, I'm (understandably) a little bit nervous. I was wondering if anyone here had some hints, tips or pieces of wisdom to pass along. At the moment I'm more interested in things dealing with the birth and the first few months of the baby's life but all advice is welcome.

Thanks in advance,

Olaf the Stout

 

[Gulla]

Let me start with this disclaimer: "I don't know how things are done in Australia"...

The best advice I ever got concerning the processes around birth was this:
"When your wife goes into labour it will probably be 12-16 hours before the child is born. If labour starts in the evening, go to bed immediately. She will need you more at the end, and you should be awake and rested then."

When I did this with our first son, my wife was furious, but later accepted that it was for the best. Not much happened through the night, and when things picked up in the morning, I was rested and capable of helping and supporting. My two other sons were considerate enough to start things (early) in the morning.

In Norway we are entiteled to two weeks at home to help the mother and kid directly after birth. Normally without pay (but many employers give you full pay for these two weeks). If you have the oportunity to take a week or two off when the mother and child comes home, do so. It is very nice being with your kid (changing diapers, cleaning clothes, doing chores) and being two persons gives both a chance to get some rest.

Being a new mom is tiring. Having a lot of gusets around is nice, but also tiring. Make sure that any guest does something useful: Washing the living room, making dinner etc. Since the two of you have more than enough to take care of the kid, some return for the priviledge of seeing the 8. wonder of the world (your kid ) is in place. (More seriously: if you have many relatives and friends they will probably visit, and this is both nice and tiring, so asking them nicely to help a litle with the small everyday chores makes life a lot easier, and most of them will not mind feeling usefull)

My final advice I think is to remember your wife, not only the kid. It might sound obvious, but really isn't. If you have some relatives or friends that can take care of the baby for an evening or something, exploit it to get some time together alone. All kids are different, but some really keep the household awake all night, so "some time together" might simply be having someone to watch the kid for 8 hours so you both can get some undisturbed sleep.

Håkon

 

[Mycanid]

If everything goes as expected (which it won't ), my wife and I are about 5 weeks away from welcoming an Olaf or Olafette Junior into our house.

Olaf the Stout

Wow! Congrats!

 

[Harmon]

Congrates first and for most!

My wife had an emergency C Section so birthing is nothing I have a clue about. With a ten day stay in the hospital I learned that you need to get all your stuff- snacks, toothbrush, extra clothes, and cell phone into a bag and leave it in the car.

Get plenty of sleep when every you can.

At night when the little one wakes- turn on as few and as dim of lights as you can, do not make a lot of noise at night, try to keep the little one asleep or near as you can when they wake at night.

When someone offers to come over and help, say- "heck ya, get over here." Have them do everything from dishes to laundry, to diaper changing, to bottle washing, etc. And take a nap when they get there.

Sleep in shifts- wife is down, you are up, tending to what ever needs doing, get use to naps, and living in one pair of clothes for a while.

Vomit when wiped off your clothes still makes a stain, so put all your nice clothes away for a while (somewhere around a year).

Child proof from the floor up, and don't be afraid to get down on your hands and knees and crawl about looking for anything and everything to get into.

We got a Play Yard, eight sectional, put a king size flat sheet under it and tied it up on the outside so the little one can not get under it, then placed that in the center of our living room. I some times catch naps in there while the daughter plays. Use thick blankets underneath for padding.

Diapers come in large boxes, go ahead you are gonna need about 6 a day (average). We started in Preme, and used about two hundred, then went to size 1, another hundred or so. You get the idea.

Get a comfortable changing table. Never ever take your hand off the little one while s/he is on it, cause they can move.

Speaking of the changing table, I lay a wash clothes under her behind prior to changing then should anything get on the table I don't have to change all the linens, just toss the cloth.

Hope that helps. Congrates again.

Oh, I guess this is a PS- do not argue or fight with your wife, stop when you or she starts and tell her or yourself that its just stress, its okay. Relax, and let all the little things go, there is no need for getting upset.

 

[Lockridge]

It was all a blur.

Keep encouraging her and telling her she's doing well.

Encourage her to do the prenatal exercizes. Kedgells(?) are very important if she is going to go through a day without peeing everytime she laughs.

As already stated, get rest and eat. You will need it. The doctors and nurses will take care of your wife so you need to take care of yourself.

One thing we did was to buy a freezer. We then made several casseroles and other frozen dishes as well as stocked up on dry goods for the pantry before the baby was born. This meant that we didn't have to worry about cooking for a while.

Accept help.

Learn to tell the relatives and freinds to leave. Too many people in the house in the first few days is too stressful for you and your wife. Also, turn off any phones near the baby's room. Given your sleep times, you may wish to turn down all the ringers.

Hire a maid to clean the house for a couple of weeks (or have a relative do some work).

You may want to think about using a midwife although you sound too far along at this point. A doolah (spelt wrong) may also help coach your wife during labour.

Buy and read a book. I recommend "The Birth Partner, Second Edition" by Penny Simkin. Best $20 you'll spend.

As for the first few months of the baby's life: Nothing follows the textbook. Do not look to books or other's advice as anything more than a very rough guideline. Your baby will vary on everything including teething, eating, when they will start to crawl, when they will smile - everything varies.

Babies cry. Thats it. Your baby will cry. There will be times that you will get frustrated - deal with it and remember that this is normal but don't lash out (not that you would, but just saying)

This next part is my very strong opinion:
Babies this young do not understand discipline or yelling. Also, they have no motor control. Sometimes things that they do which you may interpret as misbehaving is simply very bad motor control. Take a deep breath and realize that.
I want to emphasize the fact that babies this young (up to about a year - you'll know) cannot be disciplined. There is no right or wrong to them. Many people cannot fathom the blank slate that babies are. They won't make the connection between daddy hitting them and them trying to put their fingers in the sockets. If they do something wrong, tell them, shake your head and remove them from the object of wrongness. Do not administer punishment - they won't get it.

Breastfeeding:
It is different for every woman. Around here, women are strongly encouraged to breastfeed. Some are successful and some are not through no fault of their own.
Breastfeeding is a LEARNED process for both mother and child. A mother should try it but not to the point of starving her child or ruining her emotional health. Many mothers who fail to breastfeed feel a great deal of guilt and fall into tears over it.
Our midwife encouraged my wife to breastfeed. She tried very hard but just didn't produce very much so our child was always hungry. Looking back on it we should have just went with the bottle. When I think of my crying little girl looking up at me...Now I know she was hungry. We spent money on a breastfeeding therapist and pumps and it was all wasted.
I am in favour of breastfeeding but don't let anyone tell you what you should do if you think it is not working.

Both of you should get used to crying. Tears will be of both frustration and elation.

Baby proof your house. Babies will try to go down stairs.

Money:
Simplest is best. We wasted a lot of money on the best "this and that". Very often the simplest things are best. Forget baby electronics as well. It just costs more and babies don't notice it. Look at the recent toy recall - all fancy plastic toys. Our girl's favourite toy are wooden blocks - WOODEN BLOCKS! They cost a few dollars.
Same with strollers and car seats.
If you're like me though you'll likely ignore this advice and spend money on the best only to realize later that most expensive is not the best.

HAVE A DATE NIGHT. Get a friend, or relative to babysit once in a while. VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU TWO GET A BREAK.

Ok, thats all I can think of for now.

 

[Lockridge]

To add:
For god's sake relax. That goes for both you and your wife. I see so many young couples yell at each other because they are too stressed and tired.
Guess what the baby learns?
If you two are both relaxed and easy-going: Guess what the baby learns?
You have to persevere though. The baby will start off chaotic - anything else she/he will learn from you.

Choose your battles carefully - you will win very very few. A while ago, I almost stopped our 1 year old from digging through the tupperware cupboard. Until I realized that it was keeping her busy, teaching her spacial relationships and eye-hand coordination, and would only take me a minute to clean up.

To add to an earlier point - All babies are different. Don't gauge your baby's progress by another baby the same age. Don't be discouraged or for that matter over-encouraged.

Read to your baby. Even if they don't understand the words or pictures they are learning. Other than wooden blocks, our baby's second favourite toy are books.
Get the ones with thick cardstock pages.

When your baby is in more of a routine, the reasons that they don't sleep or may cry are that they have done a "number 2" in their pants or that they are teething. There are a few times that I've let the baby sit, waiting for her to stop crying and all the while the problem was full diapers. Baby Anbesol is good for teething and so are those soft teethers to chew on.

Do not put complete trust in doctors. Having said that, doctors do try to help but they see dozens of babies a day. I find that many doctors also (rightly or wrongly) tend to ignore the parents. Doctors do make mistakes. You are the one spending all day with your child so don't be afraid to ask questions or seek a second opinion.
Having said that, most of the time, whatever is bothering your baby will pass.

Sleep in crib or sleep with parents:
Some books state that babies should sleep in the parent's room. Our friends who have done this now cannot make their child sleep in her own room. We had our little one in our room in a cradle for a few weeks and then moved her into her room in a crib. Don't leave anything in the crib she/he can smother on by the way. So no pillows.

This is just my personal advice based on my baby and experience by the way. Results may vary. Expect the unexpected.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

Be ready to go. If you are five weeks from the due date, get things ready really soon. Despite common wisdom that first children tend to come late, you cannot count on it. My wife went into labor three weeks before the due date, and things moved very quickly. The evening she went into labor we were supposed to get things packed. I spent a lot of time between contractions running about the house grabbing things and throwing them into the car.

During labor, if your wife needs to hold your hand, don't give her your whole hand. If you do she'll squeeze and grind the fingers against each other. Unless you want to some pain to "share the experience," give her two fingers to hold. It is enough to offer some comfort, but not disable you.

After the delivery, remember that your wife just went through a very difficult thing. One of the best things you can do is to take care of her for the next couple of weeks. Don't think time home with her and the baby is a great opportunity to work on some projects, or get your next game session prepped. Focus on your wife's needs, whether that means taking care of the baby, or letting her do it whlile you clean the house, cook meals, etc. Trust me when I say the long-term gains of doing this is worth every bit of effort.

Rather than trying to get things done around the house when the baby falls asleep, sleep when the baby sleeps. Encourage your wife to do the same.

Don't be afraid to go against what other people say. This is your child, not theirs. If you and youe wife think something less "conventional" is a better way of raising your child, go for it. Here in the U.S. having the baby in your bed or even your room is generally seen as odd. We tried the nursery and crib thing with our first child. It just wasn't worth the trouble. We all slept better when she was in bed with us. We never even bothered with a crib for our second. We took precautions to make sure we wouldn't roll over on the baby or smother him with the covers (bought a thing called a Snuggle Nest with low, hard sides to but the baby in between us). We got grief from friends and family, but it worked great for us.

Everything changes when your baby is born. Not everything is for the better, but it is all worth it. Congratulations. Enjoy it.

 

[crazy_monkey1956]

From a father of four...

You will get a lot of opinions about what is "right" and "wrong" but Thornir and others are right. Every baby is different so do what works best for you.

That being said, I second the baby not sleeping in bed with you. We kept each of our four in a basinet in our room for the first two months or so, then moved them to cribs in their rooms or a shared room with an older sibling after that.

I also second the hand-holding part. During labor, your wife will be experiencing a type of pain that us guys will never, ever understand. Don't give her your whole hand or she will try, unintentionally, to share that pain with you.

Breastfeeding is a hit or miss thing. As someone said above, not every woman can do it and there's no shame in that. My wife hasn't been able to with any of ours and she tried with all four.

As someone else said, be ready to go...now. My first two were both born a month early.

You are going to get dirty. The baby will burp-up on you, on itself, on the floor. It will have a bowel movement while you are changing its diaper. When you start introducing baby food or real food or what-have-you, 99% of it will end up everywhere but the baby's mouth. If you are a clean or neat freak you'll have to let that go for a while...trust me, you'll be happier.

Speaking of dirty, natural birth is messy. Don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful experience and I've been there holding my wife's hand and encouraging her for all four...but it is more gory than any horror movie you've ever seen. If you have a weak stomach, strongly consider not actually watching the baby come out.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Well, one more thing...when you're ready, do it again. Speaking as a) an only child myself and b) as a father of four...siblings are a good thing.

And of course, your experience will be exceptionally different from anyone else's. Congratulations. Good luck with the future gamer.

 

[Kahuna Burger]

To expand on what lockridge said about breastfeeding - it is a hard, learned behavior. It is, imo totally worth it, but the first couple of weeks were very very difficult and intermittently painful. If your wife wants to breastfeed, do not let her become discouraged or convinced that she "can't breastfeed" until she has been coached in proper latch on (lower lip must be out!). Some women experience cramping when they nurse a newborn - while painful it's actually serving a purpose of contracting the uterus to it's normal size, and isn't a sign something is wrong.

My sister coslept with all her kids and the older two have transitioned to their own rooms, largely as something they chose. Another couple I know tried a bedside cosleeper, but the mom was such a light sleeper she would fully wake up every time the baby made any sort of noise and was completely sleep deprived until they moved the baby to her own room. Every parent and every baby is different, so listen to other people's stories without assuming they will hold true for you.

Finally, when comparing notes with other parents, remember that parents lie. When they say that their child was potty trained at 12 months, or slept through the night at 2 weeks, or said "I love Daddy" in utero, hey, maybe they did or maybe they didn't, but just smile and nod and do not internalize it as an expectation or competition.

Alekeg beat me to the "never give your whole hand to a woman in labor" advice, I'd add try not to hold hands that both have rings. :\

Spend some quality time lying down on the same surface as your new baby gazing with wonder and adoration.

 

[Aurora]

I can give some tips to you for helping and encouraging mom, but 2 questions first. Are you having the baby at home, at a hospital, or at a natural birthing center? Does she plan on nursing the baby?

Those questions aside, I agree with pp's that you are going to need rest. She is gonna need you strong and awake for the end. Make sure you have your bags packed. Have a note on top of the things that you can't pack yet, but need to bring. Things like cell phone chargers, camera, etc. I hope you have a good camera. I regret waiting till my daughter was 3 mos old to buy a good camera. You need a camera with no lag after you press the button before it takes a pic. Babies and small children don't pose!
Some good pics to take:
When wife goes into labor take the last "belly shot".
Take pic of wife in front of hospital/ birthing center sign going in (if applicable).
Ask permission to take pics of baby with the nurse, doctor, midwife, etc, (Be sure to write down their names).
Get a pic of baby with everyone that comes to visit.
Pic of baby ready to go home.
With my daughter, we picked a med sized stuffed animal and took a pic of her with it next to her when we first got home, at 2 weeks old, 1 month, 2 months, etc all the way up to 1 yr old to show how she had grown. These are some of my favorite pics of her

I also agree with pp's about putting guests to work. You are going to be exhausted. You are not there to entertain them. Don't feel you need to. If they can't understand that, they can leave. You have other things to worry about. When they call and say "can we come over?" Say, "great what are you bringing us for lunch/dinner?" While they are there don't be afraid to say "before you leave, would you mind washing a few dishes/ starting a load of laundry/ whatever you need done, before you leave?"

If you are home with mom and baby for awhile, sleep in shifts. When baby sleeps, you sleep. Make sure all your laundry is caught up before baby gets here. Do a load everyday if need be to make sure you don't get behind.

Lastly, you HAVE to stay encouraging. Be sure to remind your wife daily how beautiful she is and how much you love her. I hope she doesn't end up with PPD, but there is going to be some hormonal let down and it will probably mean some tears over things that you just don't get. Just be encouraging if this happens. (Poor dshai got a lot of this after we had our daughter.)