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<blockquote data-quote="ragboy" data-source="post: 1723269" data-attributes="member: 4151"><p>RangerWickett, </p><p> </p><p>Looks like I'm coming in late on this one. Here are my quick comments: </p><p> </p><p>I _really_ like the main character and the opening scene. He's got that roguish charm (ala Man with no Name) that definitely makes him a perfect protagonist. The scene itself is reminiscent of the scene between Tuco and his brother in <em>The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.</em> A lot of undercurrent. Very nice. I really like the last scene, as well. The warforged has a certain wry futility that is attractive. I have had a hard time getting my head around that race, and I think you helped me with this character portrait. Overall, the narrative is pretty tight and well constructed. The action flows nicely, as well. </p><p> </p><p>I think you're walking a fine line between a darker than average D&D fantasy book and outright brutality with Labeth's scene. I can say that I was rather unsympathetic to her plight after her actions. The capper, "It took several strikes before the man stopped moving" cinched it for me. I'm really hoping she dies in a most painful manner. This may not be a feeling you want to evoke for one of your main characters. Overall, I found a handful of grammatical errors and a few instances of phrases used by the characters that might not evoke the setting as deeply as you like ("god damned" and "hell" were two that stood out). </p><p> </p><p>Overall, I really like this piece. It's got the pulp feel, the anti-hero theme and is firmly rooted in the genre and WotC's campaign world. Thanks for a great story! </p><p> </p><p>On a side note, I finally finished mine last night...or I should say at 6a this morning. One more edit and I'm going to overnight it to WotC. That single page synopsis was HARD!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ragboy, post: 1723269, member: 4151"] RangerWickett, Looks like I'm coming in late on this one. Here are my quick comments: I _really_ like the main character and the opening scene. He's got that roguish charm (ala Man with no Name) that definitely makes him a perfect protagonist. The scene itself is reminiscent of the scene between Tuco and his brother in [i]The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.[/i] A lot of undercurrent. Very nice. I really like the last scene, as well. The warforged has a certain wry futility that is attractive. I have had a hard time getting my head around that race, and I think you helped me with this character portrait. Overall, the narrative is pretty tight and well constructed. The action flows nicely, as well. I think you're walking a fine line between a darker than average D&D fantasy book and outright brutality with Labeth's scene. I can say that I was rather unsympathetic to her plight after her actions. The capper, "It took several strikes before the man stopped moving" cinched it for me. I'm really hoping she dies in a most painful manner. This may not be a feeling you want to evoke for one of your main characters. Overall, I found a handful of grammatical errors and a few instances of phrases used by the characters that might not evoke the setting as deeply as you like ("god damned" and "hell" were two that stood out). Overall, I really like this piece. It's got the pulp feel, the anti-hero theme and is firmly rooted in the genre and WotC's campaign world. Thanks for a great story! On a side note, I finally finished mine last night...or I should say at 6a this morning. One more edit and I'm going to overnight it to WotC. That single page synopsis was HARD! [/QUOTE]
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