Let me preface this by saying that I live in the ass end of nowhere, and before that I grew up and went to high school in a slightly different barely larger ass end of nowhere, so I have only ever been to just over half of the listed restaurants (12/23, by my count). Both locations basically have the basic big national food chains (and, because both are in California, the state-mandated local In-n-Out), so a lot of this stuff I've never even heard of, let alone tried.
Best Burgers
Carl's Jr.
I guess you call this Hardees in other places? Look... fast food burgers are not good burgers. But at least Carl's Jr tries. I've honestly never tried the Thickburgers though I can't imagine they meet quite the same quality standard they're going for, but the Western Bacon Cheeseburger slaps, even with the bacon being largely underwhelming. The sides are also disappointing, but at least they give a decent quantity, and the jalapeno poppers are actually spicy, and quite good! Hands down the best fast food, and it's not even close.
Runner Up: In-n-Out
So, there's a lot of caveats with In-n-Out. First, no, it is never going to live up to the hype. But for what you're paying for? It's a damn good value. The biggest trick is that the "secret menu" is full of trap options. Unless you like greasy grilled onions on everything, I guess. The burgers are small, so you gotta go with a double-double or triple-triple, but don't bother with the extra frouferole. Also? The fries are highly location dependent. Some In-n-Outs put out the best god damned fries you will ever eat in your life. Others will serve up stale cardboard. There is no in-between. I could not give a decent reason why; it just is. Apologies if your experiences have only been with bad fry In-n-Outs.
Best Chicken
Burger King
So, it's definitely true that nobody does good burgers, but nobody really does good chicken. This might be my own ignorance talking; other than KFC I've never even seen let alone set foot in any of these other chicken places. I guess looking at the results so far bigot chicken is pretty good? Anyway, traditional fast food does chicken bad. At least BK's original chicken sandwiches have no pretensions. Just a flat breaded patty in a fun long narrow bun. They even come in "spicy", which I guess in BK-land basically means "contains any flavor at all". They would be doing even better in this category if they hadn't discontinued the chicken fry sauce, which was as good as annoying internet people treat McD's Szechuan Sauce.
Runner Up: KFC
We pretty recently got a KFC where I live, and it's... fine. I mean, the chicken is fine, anyway. KFC's real strength is in the sides. The chicken mac'n'cheese bowls are solid.
Best Tex-Mex
Taco Bell
Taco Bell is something of a meme, but aside from the ground "beef" being questionable the ingredients are honestly not any worse and are in many ways better for your body than most of the crap on this list. You just can't leave it out for hours like you can with literally any other fast food. Anyway, Taco Bell is absolutely great. The tacos are great. The burritos are great. Whatever sauce they put on their quesadillas is incredible. To quote the great philosopher of our time, Doja Cat, Mexican Pizza is the pizza for you and me. And it's back, baby. Get over yourselves. Taco Bell is love.
Runner Up: Del Taco
Caveat: I haven't been to a Del Taco since I started college, so two decades ago, so this may simply be nostalgia talking, but Del Taco was my go-to for a number of reasons. Primarily, it was right down the street from the theatre I was rehearsing/performing in that last summer. But also, as I learned to my great delight, when you up-size to a large they start throwing in free burritos and stuff. That's amazing. Was the food good? No. But it was okay. And cheap. And there was a lot of it.
Best Fish
Long John Silvers
This is another one of those "not since high school" nostalgia stops for me, but I remember loving any time I would go out of my way to the strip mall where this was. The hushpuppies are my white whale, at this point. I will taste that incredible taste again, some day.
Runner Up: McDonalds
Real talk? McDonalds is trash. Yeah, their fries are consistently great, but other than that, what do they even have going for them? They aren't even dirt cheap anymore! Sadly, my wife and daughter both love their McNuggets, so I'm forced to eat there more often than I would prefer, which would be never. In those instances, when there isn't a McRib available to destroy my hunger/sense of self-worth, my go-to tends to be a McFish or whatever it's called. It's as basic as it gets; a fish patty on a bun with tartar sauce, but aside from ketchup that's really all you need. Some places try to get fancy with their fish sandwiches, and it's always a mistake.
Other Nostalgia Favorites
A&W
Look, any fast food restaurant that'll serve up root beer on tap in a frosted mug is doing something right. Shame about the food, though.
