There's this book, see? Probably the greatest book ever written.
Alan Mendelsohn, The Boy From Mars, by Daniel Pinkwater.
It's a children's book, mind. I first read it when I was 10 or 11 years old. But it holds up well, trust me. It's got the secrets of mind control and interdimensional travel, a Venusian motorcycle gang, really hot chilli, instructions on how start a riot in your junior high school, the "lost continents" of Lemuria, Mu, and Wakka- Wakka, and the evil tyrants known only as Manny, Moe, and Jack.
And it's got Rolzup, the high comissioner of Mars. He's a minor character, but I've always like the name.
The book is currently out of print, but it's included in a collection of Pinkwater's work entitled Five Novels. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It, more than any other book, turned me into the man that I am today.
Which, y'know, may not neccessarily be a good thing. But even so.