When a commissioned writer gets bored...

[Dias Ex Machina]

About four years ago, I took a commission to write segments of a Role Playing Game for Inversion Games. I was asked to write detailed descriptions for the equipment listing. I didn't question why the book should waste space describing nails, ropes, and mirrors. I even had to describe the different fragrances of perfume. Seriously. After a slow-as-oil section detailing twenty different musical instruments of the world, my descriptions started to get a little...bent. My imagination took over and I started approaching them with a skewered mind. The company vanished and the book was never published.

What follows are excerpts from this equipment listing when I simply could no longer be serious and wrote what came to mind:


Funnel: For those incapable of aiming, the funnel assists in transferring liquid from one container to another.

Pillow: A small fabric pillow often filled with chicken feathers. It is not useful in hand-to-hand combat.

Pliers: Pliers are a common industrial tool. They have little other purpose though some use them to hunt park geese.

Pot, Iron: A standard cast-iron pot used to cook a variety of stews and soups. Some multi-task it to render opponents unconscious.

Puppet: A puppet often finds its use entertaining children and simpletons. Clerics should not use a puppet as a symbol of worship and using the puppet to mock others will always fail to deflect retaliation.

Soap: When on a difficult quest to slay a dragon, everyone will thank the one traveler who brought soap.

Spade or Shovel: A small shovel finds double duty as an improvisional bludgeoning device favored mostly by women trying to kill their husbands.

Thread: Goes with the needle nicely.

Tourniquet: A strong piece of fabric tied around injured limbs to prevent severe traumatic bleeding.

Towel: A strong piece of absorbent fabric to prevent severe traumatic soaking.

Tweezers: Warriors survive cuts and bruises of all sorts daily. But when one encounters a hangnail, Warriors plead for help to the guy with tweezers.

Whistle: For the wimps that can’t do it on their own.

Wound Packing: Honestly, what the hell is this?

 

[dmccoy1693]

Favorites:

Puppet: A puppet often finds its use entertaining children and simpletons. Clerics should not use a puppet as a symbol of worship and using the puppet to mock others will always fail to deflect retaliation.

Whistle: For the wimps that can’t do it on their own.

But all of them were quite good.

 

[Masquerade]

Nice. Seeing these kinds of descriptions in an actual rpg would be a welcome change of pace, assuming it fit the tone of the game.

 

[Morrus]

You should put those together and release a small funny PDF.

 

[Sitara]

These would fit the WFRp v2 rpg. consider writing for black industries.

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

Thanks all for your comments. The original file was something like 15 pages of boring descriptions of the most mundane items. I submitted it and lost the original.

"Consider writing for someone." If only it was that easy. I was once tied to Gold Rush Games in the 90's before the onslaught of D20, when FUZION was popular for being OGL. I had written Alien-FUZION online and had gotten their attention. Alas, this never panned out. Then came Inversion Games...which later imploded. I wrote the pilot episode for a British Animated TV show. That never got picked up. Zisner from AEG liked me enough when we talked on the phone but their creative director couldn't find a place for me.

I "considered" until the cows...well, you know. That's why I formed my own company with ill-gotten-gains from other commissions and jobs. Good artists can find work as every game company claims to be looking for such talent. What they don't look for are writers, so its not as easy as it looks.

...Which is funny when you think about it because the biggest problem with writing is that many people "think" they can do it. I believe a lot of writers out there will agree with me on that. "I know how to type, therefore, I am a writer." Truly good writing is not easy. For me, it was 25 years of constant writing, intermixed with college and a screenwriting tutor (he wrote for Fraggle Rock!) to get where I am....

...which is not far really.

 

[EvilMountainDew]

If I ever need a writer, for whatever reason, remind me to never contract you.

I believe you're a wonderful writer, those descriptions are fantastic.

But you seem to signify impending doom of a company.

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

If I ever need a writer, for whatever reason, remind me to never contract you.

I believe you're a wonderful writer, those descriptions are fantastic.

But you seem to signify impending doom of a company.

Oh, come on, it happened twice. I would hardly call twice—okay three times—habitual.

I mean if you get into three car accidents, one can hardly…okay bad example—let’s say you have been married three times…okay, lets say you had sushi three times in your entire life, that hardly constitutes constantly. It would still be some freak incident hardly worth mention.

…right?

 

[+5 Keyboard!]

Very humerous, however, I didn't get the "park geese" reference. Literal geese? Or a Canadian term? Sorry if that sounds dense. I just gotta know .

BTW, I'm writing something on really short notice for Paizo and feeling a little "stuck". You just completely gave me all kinds of ideas for injecting a little bit of humor into this sucker. Thank you!

Oh, and one more thing. You'll find about 64 pages of stuff very much like this in this book written by these folks. If you enjoy this kind of thing (and some serious/useful gaming material as well), I suggest you pick it up next month. Well worth the suggested retail price and then some!

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

Very humerous, however, I didn't get the "park geese" reference. Literal geese? Or a Canadian term? Sorry if that sounds dense. I just gotta know .

BTW, I'm writing something on really short notice for Paizo and feeling a little "stuck". You just completely gave me all kinds of ideas for injecting a little bit of humor into this sucker. Thank you!

Well, you can't use pliers to hunt pigeons. Their beaks are too small. No one has the steady hand for that. I mean seriously. Park geese would be the only option.