D&D 5E Tales From The Awning Pothole

Lanefan

Victoria Rules

• Jul 11, 2017

• #31

"HA!"

Ha! Fling!, no longer stunned, vanished again; then reappeared a moment later flinging a pebble out to sea as she did so.

"I followed them, I know where they've gone", she reported, "and it's not good. Not even neutral. In fact it's downright evil. They're at the Oasis of Pain in the Souffle Desert." Archie, the only one present to have heard of this awful place, gasped in horror.

"TIPPY!" cried Toothpaste. "We could use some curing here - our quarter-orc is dying!" Then he turned to Ha!, "And where did you put Johnny? Like it or not we're probably going to need him - can you bring him back?"

"I could try", replied Ha!, "but he'd probably just beat me up again. I didn't exactly leave him in a happy place."

And during all this Claude had passed the boomerang to Tickle, who was now giving the most amazing display of boomerang juggling ever seen in these parts......

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-1; Hammer) - full h.p.
Claude (Lobster) - full h.p.
Toothpaste (Wizard-1; books) - 1 h.p.
Tickle (Toothpaste's Octopus familiar; Tippy's boomerang) - full h.p.
Albert (Thief-1; a few coins) - full (8 of 8) h.p.
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-1; Halberd of Dragon Summoning & Sling) - 0 h.p., unconscious
Johnny (Fighter-3; no gear at all) - ? h.p, vanished to somewhere unhappy
Ming Vahz (Monk-8) - 2 h.p. left out of 34 full, vanished to the Oasis of Pain
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes) - 3 h.p.
Archie (Tartan Dragon) - full h.p.

 

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BoldItalic

First Post

• Jul 11, 2017

• #32

In the temple of Babylon, Marduk was wrathful. "The Oasis of Pain is a forbidden place and it is decreed that none shall go there without my leave," he raged. "My servants shall drive the transgressors from that place, yea unto the wilderness that they perish."

"The fell hand of Ashur is in this but I, Marduk of The Fifty Names, shall prevail for I shall invent writing that my version of events be written down and remembered for all time and yet the deeds of mine enemies shall be utterly lost and forgotten for they shall be not be written down. Bring me the basket-makers of the city and let them bring the reeds that they weave into baskets and the clay that they use to line their baskets."

When the basket-makers arrived, he commanded them to make tablets of clay and to cut reeds with bronz'ed knives to make styli and he commanded them to record his pronouncements and thereafter to lay the tablets in the sun to bake, that the essence of the sun should imbue them with power and truth. And this is what was written:

Marduk of the Fifty Names said:

• My servants shall be advanc'ed even unto to the second level that mine enemies fall before them.
• Henceforth shall Find Familiar be a domain spell of our servant Tippy and his familiar shall be Claude the Lobster and he shall have no other familiar for all the years that are to come.
• Claude the lobster shall have the power to take the Attack action and his weapon shall be the boomerang.
• The Wizard Without Name shall be given a name and his name shall be Ikidunot and that name shall be his name.
• Albert the Thief shall be granted the epithet Albert The Innocent and he shall be granted Get Out Of Jail Free as a cantrip.
• The Magic Halberd of the Half-Orc/Half-Orc Tasha shall become versatile 1d10/1d12 and she shall wield it in my name, gaining advantage to hit once per day upon a cry of Marduk!

Click to expand...

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-2; Hammer)
-- Claude (Lobster; Tippy's familiar; Boomerang)
Ikidunot (aka Toothpaste) (Wizard-2; books)
-- Tickle (Octopus; Ikidunot's familiar)
Albert The Innocent (Thief-2; Dagger, a few coins)
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-2; Versatile Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling)
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes; a stone)
Archie (Tartan Dragon)

 

BoldItalic

First Post

• Jul 12, 2017

• #33

Archie took to the sky and reconnoitered the area. "Tharrr's a wee toon up yonderrr," he reported, so having tucked their various familiars cosily way in their own demiplanes, the party set off in that direction.

The town was built around a crossroads and, as they entered from the south, they passed a dozen or so unremarkable thatched houses before a terrible smell assailed their ears noses. "Don't look at me," said Albert, "It's coming from that tannery over there," and indeed it was.

Inside the tannery they met the proprietor who was boiling up some unidentifiable hides in vats of noxious liquid. He introduced himself as Rouhl and offered to sell them some pieces of cured leather, or if they had any noxious liquids about them, he might be interested?

Ikidunot picked out one of his many books and opened it. "Is this the town of Red Larch?" he asked hopefully, with his finger on page 28.

"Nope. Never heard of it," was Rouhl's almost-too-quick reply. "There are no larches around here, red or otherwise. Trust me, I would know. Can I interest you in some leather bookmarks? Thruppence each or half-a-crown a dozen?"

Meanwhile, Archie had settled in an unoccupied field a little to the east of the tannery. A small child watched him thoughfully. "You're Archie, aren't you?" she said, holding up a toy dragon for him to see. "He's mine," she added firmly.

"Aye, Arrrchie's ma neem. Tha's a bonnie wee thing ye ha' therrrr."

"Why are you talking all funny?"

"It's how ma mammy taught me. See ma tarrrtan breeks? Ma mammy knitted tha'."

"My granny does knitting. She's going to show me when I'm older. She says needles are sharp. Are your teeth sharp?"

"Oh, aye. Sharrrper tha' knattin' needles," said Archie with a big toothy grin. He was enjoying this conversation.

"Why?"

This question baffled Archie, as it does all adults, and he was still pondering how to answer it when his friends arrived, having finished their conversation with the tanner. Tippy immediately fell over, stood up, fell over again, and one of his greaves fell off because the straps had broken. The little girl squealed and fled. Within minutes, rumours had circulated throughout every corner of the town; rumours of an invasion of aliens with detachable legs. Doors were slammed, washing was taken in half-dry, fires were damped down and there was a run on beer at the tavern. Old men told tales of how in their youth they had fought demons with detachable heads and youngsters of today had it easy.

"Apparently this town is called Don't Ask," reported Albert Ikidunot. "But it's not in Ikidunot's my books so we don't know much about it."

Tasha thoughtfully tossed her halberd from one hand to the other, feeling the weight. It felt good. "We could chop off a few heads?" she offered.

 

Last edited: Jul 12, 2017

rgoodbb

Adventurer

• Jul 12, 2017

• #34

Albert had never left the tannery. He had spotted something good. He quietly but politely asked Ikidunot if he could borrow the Wizard's octopus familiar Tickle and Ikidunot agreed. So they were still here. The tannery was a large workhouse with steps down to a lower level with more vats. The thief stealthed down to where he saw his prize.

The proprietor had been washing diamonds. Big ones. They were secretly hidden within clumps of clay-like earth and the Tanner had the ability to wash them off. This was obviously some dodgy activity going on here. Albert approved. He made a perception check: (9) looked like no-one was around. he crept forward towards a vat, ushered Tickles in to retrieve the newly washed diamonds and was ceremoniously clanked around the head by the tanner and his large stirring stick.

The tanner excitedly poured more horrible liquid into the vat and set a fire underneath it. It didn't take long to boil and smelt a little like chicken and broccoli soup

When Albert came around, he was at the bottom of a hot but now dry vat. He yelped as he realised that he had somehow merged with Tickles. He had his own two arms but hidden away under his armpits were tentacles.......Lots of tentacles......Good for grabbing things. Hmm...This might just work out y'know
He clacked his beak in agreement with himself.


Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-2; Hammer)
-- Claude (Lobster; Tippy's familiar; Boomerang)
Ikidunot (aka Toothpaste) (Wizard-2; books)
Alber't'ickle (Octo-Thief-2; Dagger, a few coins and plenty of ink)
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-2; Versatile Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling)
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes; a stone)
Archie (Tartan Dragon)

 

BoldItalic

First Post

• Jul 12, 2017

• #35

rgoodbb said:

Albert had never left the tannery

Click to expand...

Fixed my previous post to remove the bit where Albert was somewhere entirely different.

 

rgoodbb

Adventurer

• Jul 12, 2017

• #36

BoldItalic said:

Fixed my previous post to remove the bit where Albert was somewhere entirely different.

Click to expand...

Whoops. I take my eye off the ball for one second! How does Johnny do it?

 

BoldItalic

First Post

• Jul 13, 2017

• #37

It was three o'clock in the afternoon and Bad Things were about to happen.

Ha! tossed a pebble over the nearest hedge. "Someone's stolen Albert," she remarked idly.

Archie shifted his bulk, raised himself up on his legs and craned his neck down to check underneath. "He's no underrr me?"

"Don't worry, he'll just be hiding in the shadows. He always does that," reassured Tippy, strapping his greave back on and wondering why the other one suddenly seemed to be the other way up to this one, even though he hadn't taken it off.

"I hope he does come back, he's got Tickles," said Ikidunot starting to looking a bit worried. He began double-checking the Find Familiar instructions in his spell book and remembered about the hundred-foot range for keeping in contact. He reached out with his mind and ... AARGH!

"Alright, give him air," commanded Tippy as he started trying to revive the suddenly stunned wizard. "Someone get me a flask of water, he's gone a funny colour round the ears. It's always a bad sign."

Tasha obliged and poured a flask of water over Ikidunot's head, which failed to revive him but did cause his pointy wizard hat to go limp and soggy and generally less pointy. "Should I chop his hat off?" she wondered.

Tippy was about to advise against this when the situation went from bad to worse. A terrifying demon appeared from nowhere and advanced menacingly towards them. It was a ghastly creature, all beaks and eyes and tentacles and wearing a mockery of human clothes. Tippy stood up and presented his holy symbol, which was a miniature silver trumpet, and called upon the gods to ward off the thing that was confronting them. He didn't know if it was undead, but he tried turning it anyway. Nothing happened.

"Who threw that pebble?" demanded the demon, changing colour from red with blue circles to green with brown blobs. "And what are you doing to Toothpaste? If you're rifling his pockets, that's my job."

Could this apparition be Albert? Was he so unrecognisable that even his friends didn't recognise him? Well, maybe, but something wasn't right ...

Tasha waited no longer. She swung her halberd with a slash! slash! backslash! at the demon. It took the others by surprise - they hadn't expected this. Nor had the demon, for it knew it could only be hit by magic weapons and it didn't expect these puny mortals to have any. Multicoloured ichor sprayed from severed tentacles and the demon died where it stood, its broad-brimmed hat falling from its ghastly head. (Did I mention the hat? It's a bit of a clue ...)

Ha! tossed a stone at the fallen demon. "That was a but sudden," she remarked.

The slain demon shuddered, faded and was replaced by a furious Char-Ging nursing a painful neck. Grabbing her hat, she made intricate hand movements and vanished with a cry of "You'll pay for this! Demons are not deductible!"

Everyone breathed again. "Did I miss something?" asked Alber't'ickle, who had only just arrived.

 

Lanefan

Victoria Rules

• Jul 13, 2017

• #38

"Oh, hi Albert", said Ha!. "We were wondering where you'd gone."

"You missed some awful demon!" said a somewhat rattled Ikidunot, cutting off any answer Alber't'ickle might have given. "Tasha chopped it up and instead of dying it glooped all over the place then turned into some awful human who said something that didn't make sense and then vanished....er...wait a minute...". About now Ikidunot was coming to some disturbing realizations...as was Alber't'ickle...and simultaneously each beckoned the other aside for a private little chat.

Meanwhile the little town of not-Red-Larch hadn't been idle, and the party's odd behavior had gathered a little crowd of onlookers. Tippy, who never met any sort of stage he didn't like or scenery he didn't chew, stepped clear of the party and struck a dramatic pose.

"Good people. We come in peace! We are brave and mighty adventurers on a brave and mighty quest! We have bravely and mightily travelled far and wide in pursuit of this quest, and our travels have led us here, yea unto this very town in which you live. We are in search of..." >CLANG< down came his visor "...mumf benfle a fe gonvarrh! Maf oo end a?"

And the townsfolk, convinced now they were witness to a bravura performance by a prime theatre troupe specializing in comedy, clapped and cheered. "More! More!" they cried, and Tippy - thinking they were asking for more details on the party's quest, began unintelligibly relating the story of the quest thus far.

And Tasha looked at Ha!, and Ha! looked at Tasha, and all they could do was shrug and stand guard......

 

rgoodbb

Adventurer

• Jul 13, 2017

• #39

And Tasha looked at Ha!, and Ha! looked at Tasha, and all they could do was shrug and stand guard......

After a while Ha! needed some questions answering.

Uhm....Why are we here again?

Not sure. It seems like quite a few posts ago now.

Well.....Who does know?

Not sure. It seems like quite a few posts ago now.

Hummf. Well where is Johnny then? and what did he have to do with anything?

Not sure. It seems like quite a few posts ago now.

For what quest are we following this bumbling fool of a cleric for?

Not sure, It se....FLORA! Yes We must.........uhm...... find Flora the Dragon......to......uhmmm.......invite her to a..........wedding?.........Right?

................Yeah. lets go with that shall we.

 

BoldItalic

First Post

• Jul 13, 2017

• #40

"So ... first question: how do we actually find Flora?"

"That's a good first question. How do you find a dragon?"

"Ask another dragon?"

"Good idea."

Archie had a small child on the back of his neck, holding on to his ears, jigging up and down and making Wheee! noises, pretending to be flying. There was a small queue of other small children, waiting their turn. Archie was having fun.

"Archie," began Tasha, "we are supposed to be finding a dragon called Flora. Tippy is supposed to deliver a message to her, but he seems to have forgotten all about it. Can you help us find her?"

"Hmm. Ye'll find Florrra wi' her maitherrr, Xabatha. A reet towgie baattelax be Xabatha. If ye find Xabatha, ye'll find Florrra soon enough. But ah'll no be wi' ye if ye do."

"Is she that bad?"

"Worrrse."

"Can you at least tell us where she lives, and how to get there?"

"Aye. She laves i' the Land o' Ice, on the slopes o' mount Eyjafjallajokull. Ye mun travel tae the farrr north, tae the trolls' heim, an' seek out the viking called Errrik Thorrrvaldsson. Take passage o' his langship to the Land o' Ice but gae no in Wanter - set sail when the sun returrrns."

"When we get to the Land of Ice, is it easy to find Mount Eyeful?"

"Eyjafjallajokull. Seven day's marrrch inland overrr stony wastes 'n terrrrible glaciers where even thunderrrstorms fear tae gae."

"Sounds awful."

"Aye, but the waterrrfalls are gae pratty i' the sunshine."