D&D 5E Tales From The Awning Pothole

[BoldItalic]

One of the unknown people was a sternly beautiful oriental lady with porcelain features. She wore a high-collared black silk dress embroidered with chrysanthemums intertwined with dragons and you just knew at a glance that she was into power dressing. This was some lady. Her jet-black hair was swept up into a fierce bun with big ivory knitting needles stuck though it to keep it very firmly in place and you just knew at a glance that the knitting needles were improvised weapons, d4 piercing damage. On her feet she wore high-heeled sandals that gave her extra height and a kick like a mule, albeit at the expense of vulnerability to enthusiastic puppies. Somehow, though, you knew at a glance that those puppies would know they had been naughty.

"Ah, good," she said, "You've arrived, I am Ming Vahz, your guide for today. Welcome to Misty Sandy Beach. If you will follow me please, we can begin the tour. On the left, you will see the foot of Jagged Cliff, the '80s pop star. He met with an unfortunate accident when his electric guitar exploded and only his foot was ever found. On the right, the tranquil ocean laps laughingly onto golden sands. Please do not touch the ocean. The management accepts no responsibility for being eaten by sharks."

Tippy was bemused. This woman was trying to take over and he wasn't prepared to let that happen. With a well-rehearsed nod from him, Albert went smoothly forward into a flanking position while Tasha readied her halberd at 10ft reach. Macfeece cast Mage Armor on himself. Johnny made eyes at Ming and called out a lewd remark to put her off her guard: "Phwor, lady, you wanna learn some naked sand-wrestling?" at which she stopped and turned around to glare at him, thus facing directly into the sun and putting herself at a disadvantage in what followed. When they were ready, Tippy suddenly announced "I cast Roll Initiative!" and people who were reading this thinking "I'm bored, when do we get to the combat?" sat up and took an interest.

 

[Lanefan]

Albert acted first, by doing nothing. He'd had it drilled into him ever since forever that when fighting an outnumbered for you always let an ally strike first as a distraction; then you move in for the kill. So he pretended to fumble for his weapon...

Tasha, not normally the fastest of types, acted next and obliged by swinging her halberd in Ming's general direction...only Ming wasn't there any more; she had dodged incredibly fast to her left...and right on to Albert's waiting dagger. Albert, scarcely able to believe his luck, twisted the dagger just enough to get a grunt from Ming before - wounded - she rolled away. And then Ming opened up with everything she had, and she had a lot.

A twisting possibly-wire-aided leap later, one stiletto heel went into Albert's face and the other rang off Tasha's helmet while one of the knitting needles tinked off Tippy's armour and the other stapled Macfeece's right hand to his side. Long dark hair now flying free and deadly hands ready, she looked at Johnny: "I've beaten you every other time we've fought, you sure you want to try again?"

And Johnny wasn't sure, so bang went his action for this round while he thought about it.

Macfeece spent his round unclipping his hand from his side and trying not to pass out from the pain; he managed only to extract the knitting needle, drop it at his feet, and step on it. Meanwhile a thud nearby signalled Albert's withdrawal from proceedings as the heel kick had rendered him unconscious.

And Tippy, late to the party as usual, stepped up to Ming and swung his gauntleted fist at her. She did not expect this at all - usually these clunky suits of armour go for weapons - and was sent reeling by the blow.

And sometime during all this the seventh person on this beach - who everyone could agree was a female Hobbit but all knowledge ended there - vanished completely.

Next round........

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-1; Hammer & Boomerang) - full h.p.
Macfeece (Wizard-1; books) - 1 h.p.
Albert (Thief-1; a few coins) - 0 h.p., unconscious
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-1; Halberd of Dragon Summoning & Sling) - full h.p.
Johnny (Fighter-3; no gear at all) - full h.p.
Ming Vahz (Monk-8) - 18 h.p. left out of 34 full
??? (Hobbit?)

 

[rgoodbb]

Edit: Ninjad I believe is the term

 

[Lanefan]

Edit: Ninjad I believe is the term

Er...sorry about that, Chief!

 

[rgoodbb]

Er...sorry about that, Chief!

My fault. I started writing and then went to make a nice cup of tea.

 

[rgoodbb]

Next round........

Ming's now slightly bent knitting needle swung round and stabbed Johnny in the eye. He screamed and then everything became clear. He was back to his normal One-eyed fighting self. He went in for a grapple but she dodged uncannily and then riposted with a backhander.

"We've got a multi-classer here folks." Johnny belched out.

"No !" replied Tasha, whose halberd was currently being grappled by Mings hair.

This isn't going well thought Tippy. And then the Hobbit reappeared.................

 

[BoldItalic]

This isn't going well thought Tippy. And then the Hobbit reappeared.................

A voice sounded in Tippy's head. Macfeece had managed to get off a Message to him: Use the boomerang! Use the boomerang! and it echoed through his brain. Mistaking it for a divine command, Tippy did as be was bidden and hurled his boomerang away down the beach in a flat arc that he hoped, unlikely though it was, would somehow return and strike Ming unexpectedly on the back of the head.

Tasha twirled her halberd round and round, winding up Ming's hair like spaghetti on a fork, dragging her quarry inexorably towards the halberd's blade. Eyes blazing, Ming did a triple Chyrsanthemum Dragon manoeuvre, kicked off Tippy's chest and locked both legs around the handle of the halberd, trying to pull it from Tasha's grasp. For a moment, there seemed to be an impasse.

And what of the hobbit? In keeping with the flavour of this encounter, she was oriental too. Her name was Ha! Fling! and she had the ability to plane shift at will (Ha!), and throw stones (Fling!), but not a lot else. Bending down, she picked up a rounded pebble from the beach, shifted into the plane of negative numbers and threw it unerringly at Albert. Being unconscious, he took a critical negative miss and suffered 8 points of reverse damage, which was good, but unfortunately Johnny mistook Ha's intentions and threw her to the ground in a stun lock, which was, on balance, not so helpful.

Then the boomerang came back ...

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-1; Hammer & Boomerang) - full h.p.
Macfeece (Wizard-1; books) - 1 h.p.
Albert (Thief-1; a few coins) - 8 h.p., prone
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-1; Halberd of Dragon Summoning & Sling) - full h.p, grappled by the halberd
Johnny (Fighter-3; no gear at all) - full h.p
Ming Vahz (Monk-8) - 18 h.p. left out of 34 full, grappled by the hair
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes) ? h.p., stunned

 

[Lanefan]

the boomerang came back ...

... after a rather eventful trip. When thrown by Tippy it had sailed down the beach until, dropping a bit too low, it had been snagged and brought down by a wandering crab curious as to what was going on. On realizing from the boomerang's sharpened edges that it was a) supposed to be a weapon and b) was likely to be expected back at its point of origin sooner rather than later, the crab hopped on and got a nearby lobster to lob it back toward the battle...

...and so spinning back it came, carrying one very dizzy crab, and sliced through Ming's hair. This had a few effects: the halberd was freed, Ming became incoherently furious (she was rather vain about her hair, you see; and now there most of it was, lying in the sand), and the crab got lodged in what of Ming's hair was still attached to her. GRAB! "Owww!"

"It's fun to fly!" thought the crab, as he was thrown halfway across the bay by Ming to land with a splash and then sink beneath the waves. His last sight was of Tippy charging down the beach chasing his boomerang as it wobbled back toward the lobster.

Meanwhile, for the second time in a minute Albert's luck ran true. Using the distraction provided by the crab he got up and ran at Ming dagger first, and (amazingly) hurt her again! Tasha somehow got a hit in as well, and the Monk was left staggering. Macfeece, meanwhile, was just trying to both take it all in and write it all down in his Journal of Adventury...which wasn't so easy, given as his writing hand had just had a knitting needle put through it. Still, he persevered.

Then "HA!" rang out across the beach as the still-tussling Ha-fling and Johnny both vanished. A moment later she reappeared a bit battered but Johnny-less, threw a stone at nothing in particular, and sat down before she fell down.

Next round .........

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-1; Hammer & Boomerang) - full h.p.
Macfeece (Wizard-1; books) - 1 h.p.
Albert (Thief-1; a few coins) - 8 h.p.
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-1; Halberd of Dragon Summoning & Sling) - full h.p
Johnny (Fighter-3; no gear at all) - ? h.p, vanished
Ming Vahz (Monk-8) - 2 h.p. left out of 34 full
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes) 3 h.p., stunned

 

[BoldItalic]

After stumbling over the only piece of driftwood for a hundred miles, Tippy caught up with the lobster who backed away and waved the boomerang threateningly. He decided to try non-violent coaxing. "Does anybody here speak lobster?" he yelled, waving his arms frantically to attract the attention of the others. "Hold on," called Macfeece, looking up from a book called How To Telegraph Your Intentions, "I'll get Tickles for you."

Macfeece's octopus familiar, Tickles, scuttled over the sand towards Tippy and the lobster. As the octopus had eight arms and the lobster had two arms, they were able to converse successfully in semi-four. After brief introductions and polite chat about current affairs (if you get my drift), they started to talk about the price of boomerangs on the world market, and what returns you might expect on your investments. This was going to take some time ...

Meanwhile Tasha was being subjected to a furious rain of karate chops from Ming. It was all too much. As consciousness slipped away, she summoned up the last of her courage, gripped her magic halberd fiercely and ... summoned a dragon.

The sky darkened and mighty wing beats created a sandstorm that threatened to engulf them all. A dragon settled onto the ground and what a dragon! Bands of colour criss-crossed its scaly skin and a terrible voice boomed out across the entire beach.

It was Archie.

Ming had grown up believing that dragons were fluffy and benign and that patterns generally involved elegant curlicues of magnolia and lotus blossoms. She had never experienced anything so brutalist as tartan before, especially not in the colours that Archie sported - they didn't so much clash as march about in columns, blowing trumpets and hurling deathstars at each other. She screamed "My eyes! My eyes! I can't focus my eyes!" before collapsing in a dead faint at the shock.

Mystified as to what was going on, Archie spoke to the now-conscious Albert and Albert started to explain as best he could.

"Over there is Tippy, the cleric of clumsy, he's our leader. I'm Albert, the ... borrower of unconsidered trifles; that man with the books is Macfeece, our wizard, and there on the ground with the halberd is Tasha, our fighter.

"Macfeece, ye say? Yon wuzzard is nay maer a Macfeece than ah'm a wallaby."

"Why do you say that?"

"A' the Macfeeces are redheeds. Yon black-heered bawksnugger's an impaster."

"Are you sure? He told us he was called Macfeece?"

"Aye, laddie. But ah ken weel the Macfeece o' clan Macfeece, Laird o' Feece. He lets me go fashin' for the troot i' Loch Feece an' ah swam aboot pretendin' tae be the Loch Feece Manster an' smilin' a' the tahreests. He mak's a bra' muckle in the castle shap, sellin' toy Archies an' he gee's me tan percent."

"Cool! I had one of those when I was a kid. Can I have your autograph?"

At this point, the wizard snapped shut the book he was reading and spoke up. "It's true," he admitted, "I'm not really a Macfeece. I took the name from a tube of toothpaste. I cannot reveal my true name lest it be used by an evil necromancer to turn me into a zombie so, please, just go on calling me that and no harm will come from it."

Archie shrugged.

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-1; Hammer) - full h.p.
Claude (Lobster; Tippy's Boomerang) - full h.p.
Macfeece Toothpaste (Wizard-1; books) - 1 h.p.
Tickle (Toothpaste's Octopus familiar) - full h.p.
Albert (Thief-1; a few coins) - 8 h.p.
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-1; Halberd of Dragon Summoning & Sling) - 0 h.p., unconscious
Johnny (Fighter-3; no gear at all) - ? h.p, vanished
Ming Vahz (Monk-8) - 2 h.p. left out of 34 full, stunned
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes) - 3 h.p., stunned
Archie (Tartan Dragon) - full h.p.

 

[rgoodbb]

At that point, a cataclysm created of clipped climatic creshedic cyclonic convenience converged coalescing continuously centered circling Ming. (phew!)

There was a tremor in the air, or was it a sheemer? and out through it stepped Bar De-door. Bar, had thread-stepped. For those not in the know, He was the Stickiest, slyest and most treacherous tank of a warrior. He had also brought with him the powerful sorcerer Char-Ging, whom he had recently rescued from a death sentence. They grabbed the stunned form of Ming Vahz and in a flash, vanished.

Ming Vahz, Char-Ging and Bar De-Door. Together. The world of Al-Qathas just became a very much more dangerous place.

Can our heroes recover from The Triumvirate of Terror?

What evil plan will the Triple Tricksters Hatch?

Will the Tippy ever get his boomerang back?

Tune in next time for.........