To go or not to go....

Treebore said:

Good ideas, Al.

I am having similiar problems with my 14 year old daughter. She has been home-schooled since about the middle of second grade and has just finished her first semester of college with a "B" across the board. She never did the homework, except for the English papers, never studied for the tests until the finals, feels like we expect the world of her when we remind her that she hasn't done her chores yet.

She is going to do the summer semester over the internet at home, and it is only two courses. If we end up going to GENCon she had better get hold of her hormones and start being sensible again. She has a good incentive to go too. She has been doing the interior art for several books put out by one of the RPG companies that are going to be there. They want her to come and do the signing thing. She is pretty psyched about that, so are my wife and I! So hopefully she will pull things together again this summer. Being a teenager it may take years for it to happen, but we'll keep on being there for her.

Anyways, DM Cal, go to GenCon, don't give your son the idea he can control you too. Make it clear you can have fun without him, but also make it clear it would/will be a lot more fun if you two can share the experience (except the drinking ).

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If you do go Bob, drop me an email in advance. Nathan and I are both going to be there.

DMC, I don't have kids, so I am hardly qualified to speak. However, I think what your son needs to understand is not the effect that his actions have on him, but the effect that his actions, OR INACTIONS, have on others.

I would not go to gencon. This lesson is so important. Right now he doesn't give a darned about his future. He could care less that his grades are low. He has an apathetic attitude. What he does not get is that he is not an island. He needs to see how much you are hurt by his actions. If you go, you appear as a tyrant. You are just the guy getting him down. If you stay, and he asks why, you can tell him that you wouldn't have any fun at GenCon because you would constantly be thinking about how he was missing out. Then he might get it that his inaciton has hurt you. This should make him understand that doing nothing is oftentimes worse than doing somthing.

I would encourage you to stay home. GenCon is very fun with the ENW crew. It is really the only reason I go when I go. But if your son understands that you don't get to see your friends, because he is being a slacker, I wouldn't trade that for all the free drinks at GenCon.

Respectfully,

jester47 said:

DMC, I don't have kids, so I am hardly qualified to speak. However, I think what your son needs to understand is not the effect that his actions have on him, but the effect that his actions, OR INACTIONS, have on others.

I would not go to gencon. This lesson is so important. Right now he doesn't give a darned about his future. He could care less that his grades are low. He has an apathetic attitude. What he does not get is that he is not an island. He needs to see how much you are hurt by his actions. If you go, you appear as a tyrant. You are just the guy getting him down. If you stay, and he asks why, you can tell him that you wouldn't have any fun at GenCon because you would constantly be thinking about how he was missing out. Then he might get it that his inaciton has hurt you. This should make him understand that doing nothing is oftentimes worse than doing somthing.

I would encourage you to stay home. GenCon is very fun with the ENW crew. It is really the only reason I go when I go. But if your son understands that you don't get to see your friends, because he is being a slacker, I wouldn't trade that for all the free drinks at GenCon.

Respectfully,

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I think there is definately a time and place for this point to be made. But I don't think this is it.

I think that the boy missing something fun because he failed to live up to his obligations is a perfect life lesson. As he gets older, this is exactly the sort of consequence he's going to face. You don't go to work? Well you don't get to go on vacation. You don't work hard in school? Poor grades that make it tough to get a good job.

I think that is a rough lesson for kids to learn but it's the truth. At some point in life the kid's going to have to stand or fall on his own choices and those choices are not going to be dad's responsibility to deal with.

Rel said:

I think there is definately a time and place for this point to be made. But I don't think this is it.

I think that the boy missing something fun because he failed to live up to his obligations is a perfect life lesson. As he gets older, this is exactly the sort of consequence he's going to face. You don't go to work? Well you don't get to go on vacation. You don't work hard in school? Poor grades that make it tough to get a good job.

I think that is a rough lesson for kids to learn but it's the truth. At some point in life the kid's going to have to stand or fall on his own choices and those choices are not going to be dad's responsibility to deal with.

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I hate to say this, but I agree with Rel! If DMC stays home because his son didn't do somethng, as a 12 yer old he could start thinking, "Cool, I can control my dad! If I do xyz then dad will do what I want him to do!" And no 12 year old should have that much power in a household!

Please remeber that he is 12! He is just beginning his life journey on how his actions and inactions effect himself and others. The joy of being a parent is helping him along on that journey. Right now he needs a soft place to fall, but as he grows and matures, he will assume more and more responsibility until it is his alone to assume.

I firmly believe that dad is doing the right thing. His son did not do what he was suppose to do and now he has to accept the consequences of that - Dad gets to go to GenCon and he doesn't. Lesson taught, but will need to be reinforced 50 gazillion times during the teen age years!

yangnome said:

If you do go Bob, drop me an email in advance. Nathan and I are both going to be there.

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Excellent! I'll know by the June early registration deadline. I still have your e-mail.

player 2 said:

I hate to say this, but I agree with Rel!

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Where is the love people?! Where is the love?

Rel said:

Where is the love people?! Where is the love?

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It's under the cushions on the couch, along with your lost keys and 37 cents in change.

Thanks again for the advice and support. Everyone has made very intelligent points, and I've considered them all, but I firmly believe in reinforcing lessons. Before I even read the posts tonight, I knew that by not going to GC myself would be the same as empowering him. If that makes me a tyrannical dad, I revel in it. I told my son one day that if I were a dinosaur, I'd be Paternosaurus Rex, the King of the Tyrant Fathers, and I'd be darned proud to be called that.

Seriously, I believe that if a punishment of any sort is rendered, it has to be enforced to be effective. It's a hard lesson for both my son and myself. My dad (God rest him) was a real hard-ass sometimes, and while I grumbled and groused and if it weren't for the fact clowns are way creepy I might have run off to join the circus, I loved him fiercely. I know kids today whose parents purposely chose to be light disciplinarians, and those kids are hellions. Then the parents whine to me about "Why is little so and so such a problem?" I just shake my head and thank Dad for the lessons he taught me.

So, I reckon I'm coming to the 'Con. As far as drinks go, I like everything but ouzo and grappa, and I'm willing to give ouzo another chance.

Treebore said:

She has a good incentive to go too. She has been doing the interior art for several books put out by one of the RPG companies that are going to be there. They want her to come and do the signing thing. She is pretty psyched about that, so are my wife and I!

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I'm always interested in budding artists. All parental pride aside, how good is she, and does she have a portfolio?

Sounds like a tough choice, but you made you it. I'm not a parent, so I'm not going to lecture with the rightness or wrongness with the decision. It sounds like you're a good guy.

In my mind, I just hope your son has a "second shot", an alternative award if he decides to shape up next school year. This may sound dumb, but growing up I always thought I had one chance to succeed at anything. If I failed that one chance, there was no reason to keep trying; a bad lesson in my mind.

Just something to think about.

Don't give in to the second shot mode. Then they always think that no matter how bad they behaved they can make it up. Sometimes you do things in life that you can't ever make up. Better that he learns that lesson now instead of later.


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