A dilema

[TheEvil]

I would talk to the wife privately. I consider it the right of anyone even vaguely in the friend catagory to casually ask "Um... aren't you married?" Explain why it is making you uncomfortable. It is possible they have an open marriage. If she get mad and tells you to mind your own business, you might remind her she brought her business to your house.
I would also talk to the couch guy in private. Once again, I feel an off-hand "You do know she is married, right?" is well within a friend's bounds.

Their reactions should tell you everything you need to know about their moral character to make your decision.

Personally, if she is cheating on here husband, I would boot her. If the guy knows she is married and cheating, I would boot him as well. I say this having been "the other guy".

If anyone feels that you are being a moralistic prick, you may realize you didn't have the friends you thought you did and you would probably be better off without them.

As far as telling the husband. I wouldn't. You will rarely find a less grateful person than the one you inform that their spouse is cheating on them. If you feel you must, I would recommend an anonymous letter. If you normally would see them together outside of gaming, then I seriously pity you.

P.S.- Are you going to let us know how this works out?

 

[Dave Turner]

Boot them both and explain to them (briefly if you're uncomfortable) why you are booting them. I wouldn't tell the truth to the cuckolded husband if he asked, but I would ask him to have his wife explain it to him if he's curious.

There is no way this can end without drama. If you like getting involved in petty extra-marital drama, then have at it. But trying to negotiate the middle ground is a Herculean task which you likely aren't equipped to overcome.

 

[ConspiracyAngel]

Drama is sometimes too aluring to pass us modern humans by. We are becoming too quick to judge what is going on around us at the expense of others feelings, without really putting effort into thinking about the reasons why the person might be doing this.

You did right by thinking it through and asking questions first... good job. We shouldn't be hasty to destroy a marriage. The girl and her husband, presumably, were once in love enough to get married and whether they are or not now we shouldn't destroy that for them. They should be left the right to end that which they once had themselves. I think that TheEvil is right. If you really consider them true friends, then you at least owe them an attempt to save them... in other words you at least owe them a "are you sure that is what you wanna do?"

However, you are under no obligation what-so-ever to house their infidelities. Standing by and watching a crime happen is almost as bad as commiting the crime yourself... you will be just as responsible. Do what is morally shielding for yourself. Protect the well-being of the others that game with you at your home location. You never know who the next lunatic will be... it just may be the husband whose life he thinks you've help ruin.

 

[Corbert]

Personally if I were the husband I would want to know, and would be angry at anyone who knew and didn't tell me. Morally, if you don't tell the husband you're giving tacit approval to adultery.

When (if) this is resolved please post what happened. If things go really bad it'll be a lesson for the rest of us what to do/what not to do.

 

[Bardsandsages]

As has already been mentioned, you don't know what sort of relationship the married couple has. I actually have friends who are "swingers," and they are quite happy. The thing to do would be to pull the two aside and tell them if they are here to game, then you're gaming. If they're here to make out, quit and do it on their own time. Your house. Your rules. I game with couples all the time, but if they started making out in the middle of a session I would consider it an insult to me and the other players.

 

[Dave Turner]

Personally if I were the husband I would want to know, and would be angry at anyone who knew and didn't tell me. Morally, if you don't tell the husband you're giving tacit approval to adultery.

When (if) this is resolved please post what happened. If things go really bad it'll be a lesson for the rest of us what to do/what not to do.

I don't see how you arrive at that moral conclusion.

 

[Griffonsec]

I don't see how you arrive at that moral conclusion.

I can understand this. As they say, silence is understood as concent.

I kinda feel that it's my fault this is as bad as it is. A few weeks ago the husband, who no longer games with us, went out of town for a convention and the wife was inviting the group to hang out, not wanting to be alone (my assumption as to the reason).

I didn't go, but two of the younger, college-age, guys did, and they hung out watching movies and playing games. The next week, at game, the two in question were closer. Sitting side by side whispering, that sort of thing.

The next week the were acting VERY comfortable. I think something perhaps should have been said then and things might have gone better. They were kinda hanging on eachother, and it was bad enough that one of my players called me after the game and asked "Dude, what's going on?"

At that point I resolved to ask the other guy that hung out with them the first weekend. Call it cowardace on my part, but I wasn't ready to confront anyone. After all, nothing really bad had happened, but I wouldn't have wanted my wife doing what she was doing.

The next week, last week, they were kissing outside on the porch during breaks and after the game. I kept the other player after and asked him about it, but he said he didn't know, but he was pretty pissed, because the husband was a friend.

This week they were having a full-on make out session on my couch. I was shocked, and should have said something to them at least, but I didn't know what to say. Hence my question here, which I wrote not long after the game.

I'll talk to the pair before the next game I think. It's not something I feel comfortable doing by email or over the phone. Emails can be impersonnal, and I don't want to be more accusatory than necessary until I know exactly what's going on.

Thanks for all the advice. I guess I know what to do, it's just tough. Who wants to be that guy? The couple are newlyweds, and I get to be the guy who destroys the guy's brand new marriage.

 

[Dave Turner]

It's the illicit couple who destroyed the marriage (if the marriage is even destroyed at all, since folks can work through these things), not you. There is no strict moral duty to inform the husband about the affair, so don't feel that you must. If you feel your friendship with the husband is strong enough, you can, of course, tell the husband. But don't feel that you must, because you don't.

 

[The_Universe]

I'd offer a slightly different perspective: I'd talk to the wife. Clearly, you believe she's doing something that's not right. I'd totally agree with you. She seems to be cheating on her husband, and as a friend, you're well within your rights to call her out on improper and/or stupid behavior. If the husband *asks*, you absolutely must tell him: but your real contact with the situation is the wife, and she's the one that's screwing around.

There's no need for you to go out of your way to "tell on her," but you need to make some effort to get her back on the straight and narrow, particlarly if you care for her and her husband as people. If her husband finds out, one hopes that it's because she's honest, and tells him.

 

[Oryan77]

I wouldn't stress over it too much. People throw the word "friend" around a lot, but the way I see it, friends don't do this to friends. They should never have put you in this position. They are obviously selfish people. If they weren't selfish, they wouldn't be cheating on the husband (wow, newlyweds makes it worse), they wouldn't be making out in your house (whether they are cheating or not), and they wouldn't make you a part of this by making the affair public. They don't respect you or the husband.

It doesn't mean you are obligated to be the one to tell the husband. It just means that you don't need to care about the wife and player. At this point, I would only worry about the husband and do what you think is best for that poor guy. Personally, I don't think the husband deserves living a lie. I would like to know ASAP if it was happening to me. That way I could move on without wasting more time with the woman and screwing myself. He WILL find out whether by you or on his own. She WILL keep cheating, whether with the player or with someone else. But when will he find out? After they start pumping out kids and now the kids have to live in a disfunctional family? If this woman is already cheating so early in the marriage, this is the path those couple are going down.

Maybe you can talk to the wife about it and let her know how she's now brought her problems down on you and that's unfair. Ask her to tell her husband that she's cheating, or tell her that you aren't comfortable hanging out with her anymore if she doesn't tell him. Maybe you can get out of telling her husband. If she chooses not to tell him and never hang out with you; you just learned she was never your friend. If she had kept the affair hidden from you, or at least tried, it would have shown she at least respects you as a friend.