A dilema

[fusangite]

If it isn't an open marriage, and there's something wrong in their relationship, their chances of fixing it are going to be much, much higher if she tells him. Her being honest about it is a good first step.

Umbran, my hat is off. What a succinct expression of what I was trying to convey!

Having the group break up should be the least of your problems. It would seem to me that they're using your house as their 'meeting point' for this activity. The main point here is -YOUR HOUSE.

I agree with this part of your post. They are being most inconsiderate by forcing their host to participate in deceiving the husband.

Sorry it is my business if a couple is cheating in MY house or in front of me. I would tell the couple to knock off in my home and then tell the husband. They have brought their private lives into my public life. Sorry if it is an open marriage please not on my couch. Ain’t no secret if they are doing it in other people’s homes.

Just because they have violated your space does not entitle you to violate theirs. Otherwise we're in a social race to the bottom. Their violation of your social boundaries does not entitle you to violate theirs in retaliation.

 

[Lord Pendragon]

You got it. It's her job to tell me, nobody else's.

I guess we just have a fundamental difference of opinion here, then. All my knowledge and understanding of these situations points to the fact that most of the time, the cheating spouse does not tell the one (s)he cheated on. You say it's her job to tell you. I say chances are high she never will. And that's information you deserve, period. You need to know the reality of your relationship, before you can ever hope to make it better. And so long as you're leaving the choice of whether to fess up to the person who committed the crime in the first place, the chances of that happening are small.

If there's one thing this thread has taught me, though, it's that I need to make sure my friends know how I feel about it.

 

[TGryph]

Just tell them you're not comfortable with their behaviour and you'd rather they didn't do it around you.

If they get upset, tell them that you're there to play a game, not to watch people make out.

Seconded. Good Advice. Maybe you don't have to get involved, but don't be an enabler to that kind of activity.

TGryph

 

[SweeneyTodd]

At the risk of beating a dead horse, I'll repeat that this is incorrect.

If it is an open marriage, the two people on the couch can still get upset about him telling. That'll ruin two friendships and a game for no gain whatsoever.

Yeah, sorry, I'm not gonna budge on this. I totally disagree, or to be more precise, I wouldn't care if they got upset or not.

It's not like I'm unfamiliar with open relationships; it's that I am (acquaintances and friends), and that I've seen the difference between an open, honest, relatively healthy open relationship, and "cheating, out of sight, out of mind."

Anybody with the sense to pull that kind of relationship tightrope off is going to have the maturity and responsibility to at least say, "Look, GM, just know you don't have to worry about this, my husband knows."

 

[Parlan]

Just because they have violated your space does not entitle you to violate theirs. Otherwise we're in a social race to the bottom. Their violation of your social boundaries does not entitle you to violate theirs in retaliation.

i totally disagree. the fact that they violated social boundaries and made the OP witness the event, forces him to choose to either tell the hubby or turn a blind eye and screw him over. cheating in front of the OP made him party to her relationship with her hubby, like it or not.

As for your position that the wife should be the one to tell him, that only works in a perfect world. how long does the OP have to wait to give her a chance to broach the subject? If the OP waits too long, then the he risks the hubby figuring it out through other channels and thinking that the OP wasn't a good enough friend to tell him.

So how long should he wait? a week? a year? a decade?

I'd bring it up sooner rather than later. Over beers if possible (conversations like these are what they're made for right?) if hubby doesn't believe me, fine. I'd drop the issue, but at I'd least know I'd tried.

 

[jasper]

Fusangite….Just because they have violated your space does not entitle you to violate theirs. Otherwise we're in a social race to the bottom. Their violation of your social boundaries does not entitle you to violate theirs in retaliation.

Wrong. They dealt me into this threesome and made it a foursome by their actions. As the house dealer now I am required by my morals to deal with this as I see fit. So I can look myself in the mirror. If means losing two gamers and having someone hate me for slapping him with a reality check so be it. So this dealer will be shutting down the couch game and telling all the players what rules they broke. Do what you what in your home that is mostly none of my concern. If you want to act against my code/morals/upbringing/etc I can leave your home. But act against my code in my home you have the problem! It maybe as simple as yell at you to some outside in the freezing weather (and use the butt can). Or me banishing you from my home. Part of it is being a good guest, which the main rule is don’t do anything to upset the host. One other part is being a good host and not allowing a guest to upset the whole house.

 

[TheEvil]

i totally disagree. the fact that they violated social boundaries and made the OP witness the event, forces him to choose to either tell the hubby or turn a blind eye and screw him over. cheating in front of the OP made him party to her relationship with her hubby, like it or not.

I couldn't agree with you more.

As for your position that the wife should be the one to tell him, that only works in a perfect world. how long does the OP have to wait to give her a chance to broach the subject? If the OP waits too long, then the he risks the hubby figuring it out through other channels and thinking that the OP wasn't a good enough friend to tell him.

So how long should he wait? a week? a year? a decade?

I'd bring it up sooner rather than later. Over beers if possible (conversations like these are what they're made for right?) if hubby doesn't believe me, fine. I'd drop the issue, but at I'd least know I'd tried.

I really don't agree with you here. I think if she is confronted, her reaction will probably tell you if she is going to come clean or not. Most likely, she will get offended and tell him to butt out. In that case, I would tell her she is no longer in the game and she might want to explain to her husband why before he calls me and asks me what happened.

 

[Umbran]

You say it's her job to tell you. I say chances are high she never will.

That doesn't change that fact that it is her job, her responsibility. The fact that she doesn't do it doesn't change that she should. That she is unlikely to ever do it doesn't change the fact that, whatever happens in the end it'll generally be better for everyone involved if she confesses.

If the point is really to do right by the husband, then do it right. Doing it the easy way isn't doing anyone a real favor. If you're going to get in the business of mucking in the affairs (literally) of others, don't do a slapdash job of it.

 

[swrushing]

honestly this is the kind of thing probably best gotta away from. if you are not close to the husband, informing him will probably only make things bad.

i would seriously cancel the game for "other reasons" and NOT start another game with those two both in it.

eliminates your involvement entirely and leaves their sordid laundry soap opera for them to deal with, which is where it should be.

 

[billd91]

That doesn't change that fact that it is her job, her responsibility. The fact that she doesn't do it doesn't change that she should. That she is unlikely to ever do it doesn't change the fact that, whatever happens in the end it'll generally be better for everyone involved if she confesses.

If the point is really to do right by the husband, then do it right. Doing it the easy way isn't doing anyone a real favor. If you're going to get in the business of mucking in the affairs (literally) of others, don't do a slapdash job of it.

It may be her responsibility to tell her husband (or hush it up forever if it really was just a one-time thing and she honestly regrets it... which doesn't appear to be the case here) but if she fails in that responsibility, his friends have the responsibility to speak up on his behalf. It's the right thing to do even if it is messy.