A dilema

[Kastil]

Having the group break up should be the least of your problems. It would seem to me that they're using your house as their 'meeting point' for this activity. The main point here is -YOUR HOUSE.

You know the pain a cheating spouse can put your through and turning a blind eye doesn't make it go away. The husband might count on you as a friend as well and if he would, by some chance, find out through another source it had been happening at your house.....

The best thing in this situation is to think of yourself in the other persons shoe. Having experience in the matter will only help you with your solution.

Cheating is cheating IMO and open marriage really isn't marriage (again my opinion on the matter). People cheat for lots of reasons and honestly, can you just point the finger at the married person? What's that phrase? It takes two to tango?

::stops before she rants incontrollably like a screeching banshee::

 

[Baramay]

It is obvious that you have made your decision. Try to be positive about talking to them. Perhaps your plea about how this affected you will at least get her to sit down and talk about the problems in the marriage with her husband. She could just confide in you about the problems. At least you will be doing something about the situation and will be able to sleep better at night. Remember no matter what the outcome, you did not create any fallout from speaking up; it was going to happen eventually.

 

[tonym]

The next time you see the husband, you could say, "Out of curiosity, how's this open-marriage thing working out for you? Are you seeing any girls?"

Tony M

 

[jasper]

Sorry it is my business if a couple is cheating in MY house or in front of me. I would tell the couple to knock off in my home and then tell the husband. They have brought their private lives into my public life. Sorry if it is an open marriage please not on my couch. Ain’t no secret if they are doing it in other people’s homes.

I have two friends I love gaming with but they keep their house a mess. So much so I have warned them if I visit their home again and it is as messy as normal I will call Human resources and get their baby out of that pig pen. Especially since my wife is teacher and some of our friends are teachers. And teachers in my state MUST report cases where child abuse is going on even if come to know outside their school.

If I lose players over this big deal, if they willing to cheat on the big things they are suspect in the small things like cheating on dice.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

I would talk to the couple just before kicking them out of the group, recommend they cut the crap, and she comes clean with her husband.

Not sure if I would tell the husband, at least not immediately, giving her the chance to make amends. I would make sure I was in contact with him regularly to help him if things go badly. If he ever asked I would tell him outright.

A couple of thoughts:

The couple making out on your couch are putting you in a bad situation - they are not much in the way of friends for doing that, they don't deserve a whole lot of consideration from your end because of the "friendship".

In a world of Hepatitis, HIV and other wonderful diseases, ignoring this could end up harming the husband more than just emotionally.

 

[hexgrid]

I don't know why I'm surprised to find that there are people -- a lot of people, actually -- who believe there is no moral obligation on the OP to tell the cuckolded husband what's going on. But I'd be willing to bet that none of them have ever had a spouse cheat on them.

Here's why I don't think there's an obligation to tell the husband about the wife's cheating:

If the wife is cheating, the relationship between her and her husband is obviously very dysfunctional. Do you really think that the cheating is the only problem with the marriage?

No- the husband knows that the relationship is dysfunctional and has chosen to participate in it anyway. He's the one who married this person, the consequences are his responsibility.

 

[Mishihari Lord]

Here's why I don't think there's an obligation to tell the husband about the wife's cheating:

If the wife is cheating, the relationship between her and her husband is obviously very dysfunctional. Do you really think that the cheating is the only problem with the marriage?

No- the husband knows that the relationship is dysfunctional and has chosen to participate in it anyway. He's the one who married this person, the consequences are his responsibility.

As someone who has known a fair number of people in this type of situation I have to disagree. Some of the people I have been known have been in dysfunctional relationships. In quite a few others, the relationship was great, as far as the cheated-on partner knew.

 

[Jubilee]

I would say that the two people making out on the couch are NOT the OP's friends. I think it's pretty clear they're using him, and his game, as an alibi for their activities. I think the OP is entirely within his rights to tell them to knock it off and leave - I too would be offended at people doing this, regardless if they were married to each other, other people, or just dating.

With regards to telling the husband - I don't think it's wise to stick your nose in this unless you know alot more about the relationship. What if the husband is extremely abusive (verbally or physically), and the wife's activities are more akin to a cry for help getting out of a bad situation than "evil cheating wench" activities? If she's got the psychological problems that go along with being in an abusive relationship, she may feel she's got to give out to this other guy before he can or will get her out of the situation she's in. I don't know if this is the case, of course, but I don't know that it isn't - and if it is the case, what might an abusive husband do to a wife he finds out is cheating on him?

Recommend she see a shrink, offer to lend a listening ear, or suggest a good marriage counsellor. Don't tell the husband unless you can be sure he's just the poor innocent victim here.

/ali

ps. I always thought the guy code was not to date the ex-girlfriend of a friend?

 

[devilbat]

I always thought the guy code was not to date the ex-girlfriend of a friend?

Yep, that's in there. It's a long but thankfully not complicated code.

 

[Ralts Bloodthorne]

Part of the Guy Code is: Ask before you drag me into it.

See, this is just it: Suzy Hotpants and Joe Hormones have drug you into it by doing this in front of all of you, under your roof. What goes on in your house IS your business. Who pays the rent there? Them? No!

Should you tell the husband? That's up to you, man. I would, plain and simple, because they drug it under your roof, and made you part of it.

He ain't giving you money, she ain't putting out to you. You're getting nothing, and expected to take some risks. When the husband finds out that all this went on under your roof, and you weren't even a good enough person to tell him, much less that good of a friend, he's going to be HOT, and you'll be just as bad in his eyes. (And yes, I did have a spouse cheat on me, my friend who told me, I'm still friends with. The guy who knew about it, and even let them use his room in the barracks, well, he fell down three flights of stairs in a two story building)

So, there's a couple of ways to handle this.

When they go to come in, stop them at the door and state the following: "We're here to play D&D, not Sluts & Studs, if you're going to play, fine, if not, may I recommend a hotel?" or alternately: "Don't bring this crap into my house. If you guys want to play tonsil hockey, go somewhere else."

Wait till they start playing "count the fillings" and stop the game. Ask to see the guy in the kitchen first. Ask him what the hell he thinks he's doing, bringing this crap into your house. Then call her in, ask her the same thing.

Either way, you've got to confront it. They made it your business when THEY brought it into YOUR house.

If it's an open marriage, that's fine, still, ask the husband how his hunts are going, because... well... people lie. Still, throw down the rule: "The dice aren't in her orifices, keep your body parts out of them during the game, or excuse yourself."

If you let this keep going, it WILL end badly.