A dilema

[fusangite]

As in, they spend an aweful lot of time sitting on my couch making out.

The problem is, she's married,

Well, that and the fact that she's making out on your couch instead of paying attention to your game.

and though her husband and I aren't close or anything I concider all three of them friends.

Now, my first wife cheated on me, so this kind of behavior puts me on edge,

So this situation going on infront of you makes you feel crappy and uncomfortable.

but I'd hate to break up the group because a couple of people got stupid.

It seems like a more reasonable solution is for you to request that they not engage in this disruptive behaviour in your presence. If they want to have an affair, they should have the decency not to sweep up others in the task of covering for them. It's unfair to you and the other players and disruptive to your game. Let them know that.

So, any ideas as to a plan of action. Should I just give up and drop the two and tell her husband?

That would be inappropriate, in my view.

Is it enough to just as them to cut it out?

That's the most you can do.

It's tough. I think I should probably say something, but who wants to be the guy that tells you that your wife is messing aroung?

There are reasons other than how others see you for not revealing secrets that are not yours to reveal. If directly questioned, answer truthfully but don't volunteer the information.

 

[Griffonsec]

Would it be too much to meet with the other players, all of whom know about it (it's in plain sight after all), to get their input and warn them about the potential impact on the game of confronting two of our five players before taking any further steps?

 

[HeapThaumaturgist]

Huh. I dunno why I see so much of this kind of stuff in the gamer subculture. Did people not get enough hot hot lovin' in highschool or something?

At any rate, it's your bag. They made it your situation when they decided to start carrying things out at your place. They might have never gotten into it if the people around them didn't sit idle, in fact.

Me. I'd want to be told about it.

For myself, the first person I'd go to is the "Cheater" guy. I guess that's part of my "Guy Code" upbringing. Dudes don't let dudes do dudes' girls, etc. I'd tell him that it wasn't cool, that you don't do that sort of thing to one of the bros, and that at the very least he couldn't carry things on like that in your house.

EDIT: If it feels like a "Gamer Group Issue", then I guess you could take it up with them. If it's a long-term friends issue, I'd take it up with the fellow first. If you've been friends with her and her husband longer, take it up with her first. And if the "guy" and the "girl" are new and the cuckolded husband is a long-term friend, I'd find a way to let him know. If my best friends came to me to let me know my wife was being unfaithful, I'd have to take it into consideration, just because we've been friends for decades.

--fje

 

[SweeneyTodd]

Okay, here's how I see it. If it's an open marraige, then there's no harm in telling the husband. If it isn't, I couldn't personally not tell him.

Regardless of all that, both the woman and your housemate are being unbelievably rude by putting you in a situation where you have to worry about it. They're failing to be good players or good friends to you.

 

[Lord Pendragon]

Okay, here's how I see it. If it's an open marraige, then there's no harm in telling the husband. If it isn't, I couldn't personally not tell him.

Regardless of all that, both the woman and your housemate are being unbelievably rude by putting you in a situation where you have to worry about it. They're failing to be good players or good friends to you.

Well said.

 

[Lord Pendragon]

There is a moral obligation to speak up. There even may be a moral obligation to alert the husband. You have to bear in mind that in many of these cases, the messenger gets shot for his trouble. Certainly I would want to know if my wife was cheating on me. I would not, however, envy the friend who found out and had to figure out it I was going to get mad at them or not (I wouldn't).

You're right. But I am willing to risk losing a good friend to be a good friend. I think it's safe to say we all care about our friends. In this case, that care would drive me to be the best possible friend I could. And that means braving the danger and doing right by my friend. If I puss out and don't tell my friend the truth, then I'm not his friend at all, and he'll know it if he ever learns what I did.

The husband should definately know, but it should be his wife who tells him. If they are to have any chance to patch it up, she needs to be the one to fess up. Until you talk to her and see what happens, it is really impossible to say what the appropriate next step is.

I guess in this sense, I'm the one being a coward. I cannot help but envision a "You tell him, or I will," scene as incredibly messy. It strikes me as easier to simply tell the husband, and be done with it. But I suppose that you're right. If there is a chance that she'll go to her husband, fess up, and work things out, then that is ultimately what's best for him. So perhaps tell her that she really should tell her husband, but leave out the ultimatum. If after a few weeks she hasn't told him, then do so yourself?

And, as before, have proof. Don't dare start on the basis of "your good word".

I'm his friend, not his P.I. If he doesn't believe me (which perhaps he won't,) then he can hire a P.I. himself, though to be honest I don't think that'd be necessary. Once it's brought out into the open it should be rather easy for him to find out on his own. As his friend, my word should carry a certain weight, even if he doesn't want to accept what I'm telling him.

That would be inappropriate, in my view.

If your wife were cheating on you, and a friend of yours found out, are you honestly telling me it wouldn't be his place to tell you?

 

[Sejs]

Okay, just off the top of my head, the first thing that spring to mind would be to have a nice private chat with the lady in this scenario.

Lay it to her straight - tell her "Okay, here's the situation. You and Dude are sucking face on my couch. This is making me all manner of uncomfortable. Add to the fact that you're married, and it ain't to him. Now what I need you to do, is to tell me what's the deal here."

Either she and hers have an open marriage and it's cool, or they don't. Either way the particulars of that are up to them. At the bare minimum you can get more of the picture. After she explains the situation from her point of view, you tell her "Alright, understood. You do whatever it is you're going to do, but from here on out, you no longer get to do it on my couch, capice?"


In a nutshell, you talk to her, not him. She is a participant and a member of the potentially at-risk marriage. She is the fulcrum that must be addressed. No other.

 

[fusangite]

If your wife were cheating on you, and a friend of yours found out, are you honestly telling me it wouldn't be his place to tell you?

You got it. It's her job to tell me, nobody else's.

Would it be too much to meet with the other players, all of whom know about it (it's in plain sight after all), to get their input and warn them about the potential impact on the game of confronting two of our five players before taking any further steps?

I guess. When situations like this have come up in my circle of friends, though, this has become a real mistake. What ends up happening is that all the people who meet and discuss it end up getting blamed and held accountable of any action taken by any individual in that group. This can get really messy.

As GM and host, I think you are better off telling them (a) to cease and desist, (b) that you will not lie for them if asked about it and (c) you hope and expect that they come clean with the offended spouse.

 

[Darmanicus]

There are reasons other than how others see you for not revealing secrets that are not yours to reveal. If directly questioned, answer truthfully but don't volunteer the information.

It's not exactly a bloody secret if everyone, (barring the husband), knows about it, is it? If they wanted it kept a secret they surely wouldn't be doing this sort of thing in front of evryone else?

My advice, tell the husband AND kick the two idiots out of the group. You can possibly recoup 50% of yer gaming losses by inviting the husband to play in there stead!

 

[Umbran]

Okay, here's how I see it. If it's an open marraige, then there's no harm in telling the husband.

At the risk of beating a dead horse, I'll repeat that this is incorrect.

If it is an open marriage, the two people on the couch can still get upset about him telling. That'll ruin two friendships and a game for no gain whatsoever.

If it isn't an open marriage, and there's something wrong in their relationship, their chances of fixing it are going to be much, much higher if she tells him. Her being honest about it is a good first step.