Ceramic DM- The Renewal ( Final judgement posted)

[alsih2o]

Lots of judgements in, will be spreading them through the afternoon.

P-kitty sent his belated Firelance Vs. NiTessine judgement:

Firelance Vs. NiTessine

Firelance:

I have mixed feelings about this story. That’s partially because I dislike
translating “gamespeak” directly over into fiction, especially fiction set
in the modern day. Call it “Iquid’s mystical replicator” and I’m fine, call
it “mirror image” and I’m immediately yanked out of the story and forced to
think of it in game terms. The story itself never completely grips me as a
result.

On the other hands, aspects of the story were both funny and creative. I
love the home for retired familiars, and I loved the picture use of the cat
and the knife. Picture use in general was good. I’m amused by the
meta-references to EN World – nice cat joke – but they didn’t skew my
judgment one way or the other.

Ultimately, I don’t find the plot of the story or the resolution to be
tremendously satisfying. It seems driven by the pictures to a great extent,
and that’s always a tough barrier to get over.

NiTessine:

It starts wonderfully. It ends with a dull, questioning thud.

I’m guessing that NiTessine ran out of time. Based on the first half, this
is a story that deserves to be lovingly spun out and crafted. Instead it
just gets odd and surreal. I think the quality of NiTessine’s writing is
slightly above Firelance’s in this case, but the story itself has no
resolution and isn’t complete. Likewise, the photo usage isn’t well
integrated.

Judgment goes to Firelance.

 

[alsih2o]

Alsih2o:

Eeralai- Is this college? Did I take something that didn’t agree with my head?

The disconnectedness works here, but I am afraid it works a little too well. It can eb hard to find your way around in this story. The beginning concert is a bit strained, maybe a bit wordy and complex. And then the conversation as they leave strains me further.

But it all hooks me. Something tells me if we had left you with more than three days this would be some kind of successful “Twilight Zone” script.

I am usually not fond of pictures being used as dream imagery, as it is too easy. However, here we have complexity piled on complexity with the dreamlike images. The surreal attitude with which they are handled can be very powerful, and could have been more powerful if we had experienced some of them more. The cold of the car scene returns, but the sign and the bird seem to just waggle in space, waiting for the reader to return to them.

These are not normal images. The reader already knows they are important. This should change how the writer faces them. Partial success to picture use. If they al;l were as strong as the car usage, or if the inherent magic of the friend came out more they may have been stronger.

Mythago- A few more typos and misspellings than I am used to from Mythago. These are VERY disturbing.

O.K., they aren’t. But I have to criticize something, right? Frozen cars equal epoxy cars. Dead guy eating brains equals Marine joke. The bird pic is a little weak, everything else here is strong as the day is long. Is everyone watching? This is how it is done.

From Pachinko ball thoughts to the abstracted way in which Ray kills. Man, oh, man.

I frequently feel at aloss critiquing some of the stronger work. And I am at a loss.

Judgement: [sblock] Mythago takes this one. Eeralai has been strong and deserves some credit but man did Mythago own her story.[/sblock]

Maldur:

Eeralai Vs. Mythago round 2

Great stuff! this why ceramic dm exists, two great stories.

My vote goes for Mythago, his story was more coherent, Eeralai's was good
but I got confused by the music in the end.

Piratecat:

Eeralai:

I think the best way to hook a reader is to start off with a memorable
paragraph. My first impression when starting The Other Side is that
there are too many commas and complex sentences in the first paragraph.
There’s no rhythm yet, and having one would make the beginning stronger.
With this comes a tendency to tell and not show - the ‘bubbly’
concertmistress – and a reliance on clumsy sentence construction. For
instance, compare “The out of tune players in the back of the orchestra
reminded her of all the work still ahead of them and she could not let the
coldness come so close to overtaking her again.” to something like “An out
of tune violin scraped across her nerves. She had to push the cold away.
She had to focus.” Short sentences are especially effective when writing
from a specific person’s point of view.

Once we’re away from the concert, the story grows momentum nicely and the
conversation turns much more realistic. I think one of Eeralai’s strengths
is in good conversation, and that’s a skill that most people lack. There are
good, creative concepts in this piece. I liked the way reality shifted
around Carol, and how the transitions were described. I found the ending to
be something of an anticlimax, though; it struck me as overly pat and
simplistic. I think the story may have been stronger with a more complex
ending, where Carol’s relief – and the fact that she could feel so
relieved – wasn’t so tangible.

Mythago:

One of Mythago’s skills is letting shreds of information leak out over the
course of the story. It was about the point when I got to “vomiting
super-epoxy” that I went back and reread what had come before. My
assumptions got a jolt, and the story shifted away from where I thought it
was headed. Her talent for describing a person’s personality through their
actions – “Foster's smile spread across his face like an oil slick on
water.” – comes across very nicely in this tale.

There are a few more typos in the story than I would normally expect. Other
than that, though, the story is superb. It moves quickly, it contains superb
characterization, and it’s darned creepy. I’m still inordinately pleased
that the reason Ray was so dangerous was never explained.

Judgment: [sblock]Eeralai made a great showing for a first time competitor, but my
judgment goes to Mythago. Excellent photo use and a deft horror story
manages to sneak past Eeralai’s tale of a woman stuck between two worlds.
Well done, both of you.[/sblock]

Decision: [sblock] Mythago takes this round 3-0 over an impressive newcomer.[/sblock]

 

[Berandor]

On judging time:

I've been a judge once, in the last tournament. I don't know how helpful I was - I've been booted and replaced by PirateCat, after all

But what I wanted to say is, I had pretty much spare time to judge, and it was still tough to do judgements within 2 days. Now, reading a story and doing a judgement within 2 days doesn't sound too hard, does it? And it isn't. But most of the time, the rounds will happen at a similar time, so you get 16 stories in the first round all at once (more or less, since while you're doing judgement on the first two, four more will be posted), then 8 stories, and then 4. And you don't want to shrothand people. So especially the later pairings will be delayed.

Just an example: If I take 1 day per story, it'd still take me 16 days for the first round. And depending on what life brings you, 1 day per story might not work out. And that's without crazy situatins like the one forcing me off the computer most of the time recently.

And round 1 and 2 are hardest.

Maybe it's possible to go in bouts? Two pairings every three days or so? Then the first stories get posted, the second get pics, and when the second post and the third get pics, the first get a judgement. Is that clear in any way?

 

[Piratecat]

I've been a judge once, in the last tournament. I don't know how helpful I was - I've been booted and replaced by PirateCat, after all

If it's any indication, when I write a judgment my goal is to write one that approaches how detailed yours and Arwink's were. Reading yours has helped my own writing a great deal in this regard. I remember when (not as a judge!) you analyzed my spy story and without being cruel or discouraging you nailed every flaw straight on; it was a delight to read.

 

[alsih2o]

If it's any indication, when I write a judgment my goal is to write one that approaches how detailed yours and Arwink's were. Reading yours has helped my own writing a great deal in this regard. I remember when (not as a judge!) you analyzed my spy story and without being cruel or discouraging you nailed every flaw straight on; it was a delight to read.

It could have something to do with being an original, but Arwink is always the tops at the detailed and true critique for me. Berandor rocked hard as well, no two ways.

Different approaches bring a different insights and many of the judges have produced critique that has improved my critiquing as well as participating has improved my writing.

 

[Eeralai]

Thanks

Thanks for the comments and pictures. This piece was a big risk for me because it was way out of my normal writing style and genre. I tried to break the rhythm of style that was commented on in my first story, but it looks I came up with something broken. I was dissappointed I did not convey the picture use better. The bird was really supposed to be a one time use in my mind with it symbolizing her possible impending swan song. The sign I did come back to. Would it have been better if Tanya had made fun of Zozobra or "the native" and been the one attacked by the spirits instead of it being a random person in the crowd?

Anyway, thanks for your time and thanks for having me. Congrats to Mythago!

 

[alsih2o]

Macbeth vs Maddman75

Piratecat-

Macbeth:

I’ll start by pointing out that there’s always been a general prohibition
against using the photos as photos within the satory; here Macbeth does so
not once, but twice. The second time (the girls with entwined hair) is
especially egregious. I don’t think this is in the (otherwise excellent)
FAQ, though, so I won’t penalize for it. Photo use of the girls is weak
even if you discount that guideline. The rest of Macbeth’s photos range from
excellent (the pugs in uniform that inspire the story) to okay (the Dr, the
girl on the beach). I also noticed some typos, which start to count against
an author by the second round.

The story itself is very interesting in scope and theme. I like the twist
on the classic story of man-monsters. Surprisingly, though, it wasn’t as
powerful as I expected it to be. I think that’s because there aren’t any
major revelations or any real character development for the fairly 2-D
narrator. I expected that at the end the narrator would realize that getting
all of his friends killed and killing all the guards and the doctor
might have some ironic impact in his quest to become less human; that doesn’
t seem to have happened. I still really like the fact that the Dr had
complex motivations in his quest to make the animals human and let them cope
with the real world, and that this is what brought about his death.

All in all not Macbeth’s best work, but a solid story with an interesting
theme.


Maddman75:

Pulp! Pulp is a forgiving genre, because what might normally be considered
improbable or sloppy plotting – erupting volcanoes, ancient tombs – happen
to fit right into the typical pulp story.

The story starts off more slowly than it should, partially because too much
time is spent on backstory. This might be the sort of tale that is best
started in the middle of action, then heading back to cover who’s who in a
flashback or as it moves along. Almost half of the words occur before the
group ever leaves England. That shortchanges the heart of the story,
especially when we could be introduced to people on the fly.

This story doesn’t reach as far as Macbeth’s does, but it does a better job
achieving what it is reaching for. It’s trying to be a rollicking adventure,
and I think it handles that nicely. I would have liked to see more
conversation and more action.

Photo use was good, although nowhere is it explained why Klaus is in a photo
with another dog-creature. I liked the use of the seagulls, and I really
liked the evil twin. Again an illustration is used in the story as a photo;
we need to put that in the FAQ.

Judgment:

[sblock]The two stories are quite dissimilar. That makes judging more difficult.
Although Maddman’s story wasn’t shooting for any theme as complex as Macbeth
’s, his photo use was better and he managed to capture the feel he was
looking for. Macbeth’s story didn’t resonate with me, and an ambitious story
like that needs to in order to achieve its goals. I award my vote to
Maddman.[/sblock]

Alsih2o-

Macbeth- I feel I am decently well read but I still don’t like reading things that insist or assume that I read certain other things. I know vaguely of Dr moreau, mostly through references in other writings. I have read Animal Farm but I don’t want to have had to read it to enjoy what you are giving me.

Pictures as pictures is a no-no for me as well. If a picture is a picture it better have been something else as well.

And yet I like this story. I like the theme. I really enjoy it when you open the door just a bit more. The meeting strikes me as the strongest point. But that door gets closed t me again at the storming of the compound. I wanted more than the charge at the door and then the action being summed up as everyone dying but our narrator.

There is a lot of good stuff here to explore. You have left me feeling that I didn’t get quite enough without making it feel as if the tease was part of the thrill.

Maddman- Pictures as pictures! Yargh! This one does lead into the story more but STOP IT!

The standard Explorer/IndianaJones/KingSolomonsMine world here is solid. A little on the fantastic side, but look at where we are. J An intro of some minor action to explain everyone and their ‘powers’ may have worked a lot better, this stalls a little at the intro and sweeps a little too quickly through the ending. But it works.

I like the “Favor for a favor” bit, I would like to see that echo someplace else, it would really punch the story up a bit.

Strong stuff Maddman, better than the first round.

Judgement: [sblock] Macbeth and Maddman really went different directions here. The picture as picture thing gives me a rash, but I am forced to look past that as both of oyu did it. Maddman gets my vote this round.[/sblock]

Maldur-

Maddman vs MacBeth
Macbeth has the more "original" story(IMHO), but I like the potential interaction between the three characters in maddmans story.
Judgement: [sblock]My vote goes to macbeth, the story was stronger, but if maddman would leleborate a bit more, and create a "larger"story wtith this crew, it could be really nice.[/sblock]

Decision- [sblock] Maddman advances in a split decision. 2-1[/sblock]

 

[Macbeth]

Thanks to the judges, and good luck, maddman. I knew I had a weak story in many respects (though I had completely forgot about the picture as a picture violation), but I think I bit off more then I could chew with this theme. I really liked the idea, but the plot and the characters kind of escaped me.

Good luck maddman, and I'll be around for the next Cermaic DM

 

[BSF]

OK, I thought I had warned about picture as picture use in the FAQ, but either I scrapped it, or it was unclear. I remember Piratecat getting dinged for a picture as picture use in a story a few contests back. That judgement gave me _very clear_ warning to avoid that in my stories. I will try to convey the same admonishment that I remember seeing in that story.

As a general word of advice to folks: Read the old judgements and put together a mental checklist of things to avoid for your stories. It is OK to learn from other people's mistakes.

Hmm, what value would there be in compiling some of that in the FAQ thread? As always, I am open to ideas and posts in the FAQ thread to make it better.

 

[alsih2o]

Thorod vs Marauder X
Maldur-
For some reason I feel that MarauderX's story need a Elton John soundtrack
Thorod's story allthough a nifty idea, cant seem to grab me, and I need to wrestle with the words to read through it.
[sblock]My vote MarauderX [/sblock]

Alsih2o-
Thorod Ashstaff- Thorod has turned in just the first chapter of a bigger story, a technique tried by quite a few Ceramicers. The difference is that Thorod makes it complete, and this makes it work.
There is some kickbutt dialogue in here and the language is strong. The narrator is consistent even as he changes and the characters all ring true even in brief appearances. Strong stuff.
The picture use is really strong. Every picture drives the story or sustains it. I never really felt a reach. If the bridge pic had been just a bridge it would have been OK, but it is used to reveal a bit of personality from our narrator, to fill him out a bit more. The snakes ring back several times, the Maid outfit reaches a bit, but by the time we get to it we are so consumed by the plot that it drives right through.
Good stuff.

Marauder X- Hmmm. This isn’t a fantasy story at all. Thinking about it, I guess we have never had a rule that you have to write fantasy, but I do believce this is the first time someone hasn’t!
The story is solid with one jarring exception. I didn’t know our narrator was female until the dinner with her father. This was very jarring.
Despite this you have put together a solid story. The people strike me as knowable and the dialogue works well. The pictures, however, feel frequently tacked on. The dog, the snakes…these seem to be added. The bridge scene feels a bit tacked on but the writing and imagery were strong enough to distract me.

Judgement: [sblock] I am really weirded out over the double Thailand, double X-files references. Marauder X brings us a good story, but Thorod Ashstaff brings us a reall, really strong story. My vote goes to Thorod Ashstaff[/sblock]

Piratecat-

MarauderX:

This is a good story. It’d be better if it weren’t straining to include the
photos.

I’ll explain. Some stories aren’t great, and they suffer from desperately
trying to integrate the illustrations. Some stories are seamlessly wrapped
around the stories to such an extent that you wouldn’t even guess that the
images are an external constraint. And some stories are really good tales in
and of themselves, but are weakened as they try to include all the images.
This is one of the latter.

I really like the rich and descriptive writing style. Some strained phrasing
aside (the sentence “...which made for Barry and me to be strange
bedfellows, but all I can say is that we were kindred spirits,” made me
blink several times,) the story of Barry and Sara’s romance was a really
nice one. She learns to trust and give up some control, and they both learn
more about one another.

The problem is that other than the shot of Barry with his glasses, the
photos are generally incidental to the story. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad
story, but there’s a disconnect that happens every time the reader reaches
one of the photo scenes. I’d love to read MarauderX’s version of this story
that didn’t include all the photos, just to see how he’d tweak it.

Thorod:

Thorod’s burned-out PI makes for an engaging narrator. He’s got the rhythm
just about right, has the correct voice for the character. I liked the
foreshadowing of the pictures, liked the plot, and liked the picture use.
Adding the complexity of Thailand improved the story by putting Merrick out
of his element. It was nice usage of an exotic location.

I don’t have many criticisms or suggestions here. This was a well-crafted
story, and one that I enjoyed. Nicely done.

Judgment:

[sblock]MarauderX wrote a very good story, but Thorod takes it with a complex and
evocative picture of Thailand’s back streets. My vote goes to Thorod.[/sblock]

Decision: [sblock] Thorod Ashstaff takes a split decision into the semifinals, 2-1[/sblock]