D&D 5E Dealing with a trouble player and a major blow up

[Umbran]

But something is setting the guy off ...

It is perhaps more accurate to say something is triggering the behavior. That is not the same as it *causing* the behavior. Removing the trigger does not fix the underlying pathology. Without addressing the underlying problem, you don't have a lot of confidence that you won't just find some other trigger later - so changing how you run the game does not give you much assurance he won't blow up again.

The guy is a GM, not a therapist. Dealing with such personal issues is outside the scope of the typical unspoken GM/player agreement.

 

[Bawylie]

Hahaha, seriously, 4 minutes apart! Wish I had seen your post before I started mine, could have saved me a good 15 minutes or so. I was kind of surprised no one else had mentioned it earlier. Glad I'm not the only one who thought this...

Glad you did all the same. Confirms I'm not totally in left field on that vibe.

 

[iserith]

It is perhaps more accurate to say something is triggering the behavior. That is not the same as it *causing* the behavior. Removing the trigger does not fix the underlying pathology. Without addressing the underlying problem, you don't have a lot of confidence that you won't just find some other trigger later - so changing how you run the game does not give you much assurance he won't blow up again.

The guy is a GM, not a therapist. Dealing with such personal issues is outside the scope of the typical unspoken GM/player agreement.

As I said above, my advice stands as something to consider about the situation in addition to, not the exclusion of, the advice of others.

DMs should know that how they handle the game and deal with the players does have an influence on the moods of people at the table. This doesn't excuse the reaction of the player under discussion, but a little self-reflection isn't going to kill anyone and might even help in the future.

 

[Dausuul]

It's like Waterdeep 90210.

This sentence contains so much win.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

As I said above, my advice stands as something to consider about the situation in addition to, not the exclusion of, the advice of others.

DMs should know that how they handle the game and deal with the players does have an influence on the moods of people at the table. This doesn't excuse the reaction of the player under discussion, but a little self-reflection isn't going to kill anyone and might even help in the future.

While I agree with you in the general sense, in this specific case, I'm pretty sure that MO's DMing M.O. is not, as you stated, " part of the problem".

Even assuming arguendo that MO is somewhat downplaying his role in the various confrontations with this person- it is only human to do so- this guy is described as overreacting to any adversity to his PC whatsoever. In a game predicated on overcoming obstacles and adversity, he is rebelling against the very structural underpinnings of the game itself. This is evident in that the problem player reacts similarly in the games of others.

Or, to put it differently: even if MO has a problem with his DM style, this player's issues are independent of them. Since these issues surface regardless of the person on the other side of the screen, MO's DM style is irrelevant, and "not part of the problem." Following the principle of GIGO, self-analysis based on his interactions with this player would be fruitless in the same way that a team watching game film of a disastrous and atypical performance would be futile. Instead, coaches just discard films of such games because their coaching tool value approaches zero.

 

[Shiroiken]

I have played in games with people I don't get along with, so long as the DM keeps us both happy. We pretty much ignored each other unless we had to, and it worked out for about a year or so. However, we couldn't play in a game run by the other one... too much forced interaction.

Based on what you say (editing for personal bias), I would not game with this person, even as a fellow player. Anyone who would have a temper tantrum (even if he's completely right) and leave in the middle of a game is not mature enough for me. It might cost you friendships, but hopefully the secondary friends can accept the situation (if not, they'd not meet my standard either). You might want to consider splitting off the game, seeing if the DM will run two games, or if someone else wants to run a game. That way you can game, and he can game, and you don't have to interact.

 

[77IM]

Majoru Oakheart: You DO deserve an apology for his tantrum. You won't get one, so I'll apologize on his behalf. I'm sorry that guy was a jerk to you and your friends. You deserve better.

You can't control other people. You can only control yourself. Stop worrying about this guy -- don't give him any of your mental energy. Instead, be the best damn Majoru Oakheart you can be. Part of being awesome means being patient, forgiving, and understanding. BUT another part of being awesome means not putting up with any crap, at all.

The best thing you can do when someone is getting upset, angry, irrational, and "believing what they want to believe," is to counter it with calm, patience, reasonableness, and honesty. Just tell that everyone you DM for, what is and isn't acceptable at your table, and stand by that. Don't single out this guy -- he's not your problem, he's his own problem (and his girlfriend's problem). YOU be the Buddha DM. The friends you are worried about losing? Just keep in touch with them, hang out with them, invite them to your campaigns, etc. If they ditch you, they weren't worth being friends with, anyway. YOU be as awesome as you can be and the rest will fall into place.

 

[iserith]

While I agree with you in the general sense, in this specific case, I'm pretty sure that MO's DMing M.O. is not, as you stated, " part of the problem".

Even assuming arguendo that MO is somewhat downplaying his role in the various confrontations with this person- it is only human to do so- this guy is described as overreacting to any adversity to his PC whatsoever. In a game predicated on overcoming obstacles and adversity, he is rebelling against the very structural underpinnings of the game itself. This is evident in that the problem player reacts similarly in the games of others.

This is how the OP perceives the reaction of the player and how he or she reports it to us. But the OP has also stated that he or she is quite willing to inflict what some might consider pretty boring or punitive consequences even for actions the character wouldn't likely take if the player was clear on setting expectations for the sake of "realism." I could point out several examples (and did, in a roundabout way) from the OP's description of the game that would make me and those with whom I regularly play annoyed. Not because failure was possible or happened, mind you, but because of the way it was handled. What if the OP perceives the reaction of the player as not wanting any kind of adversity when really it's just the player objecting to him getting the lion's share of adversity or said adversity being boring or punitive?

Again, this is not an excuse for the player's behavior. And I genuinely feel bad that the OP had to go through this kind of drama.

Or, to put it differently: even if MO has a problem with his DM style, this player's issues are independent of them. Since these issues surface regardless of the person on the other side of the screen, MO's DM style is irrelevant, and "not part of the problem." Following the principle of GIGO, self-analysis based on his interactions with this player would be fruitless in the same way that a team watching game film of a disastrous and atypical performance would be futile. Instead, coaches just discard films of such games because their coaching tool value approaches zero.

What I see is a hot mess with multiple issues contributing to the event that was described. I will not exclude the possibility that the DM's approach contributed to the fallout.

Honestly, I've never seen so much resistance to some simple self-reflection. "What could I have done differently?" would be the very first place I'd go when faced with this kind of situation. I think this is a prudent measure.

 

[lumenbeing]

Some more background for people who care. I've known his girlfriend for about 15 years now. I've known him for about 8. I met him when I started running public games of 4e LFR at the store that his girlfriend worked at. She broke up with her ex bf and didn't have a place to go so she moved in with me. Back then he wasn't really my friend. I used to complain to almost anyone who would listen that I had to deal with his stupidity at my table when he would show up. He offered to run a game and read the entire thing in monotone extremely slowly and he didn't know what the word constable meant. So we never let him run again. I wondered if he could read. I put up with him because it was only once a week and the game was public.

Then after about 4 months of him showing up for games his girlfriend told me she was going on a date with him and I asked her why. She knew how much of an idiot he was. She said she knew that and agreed with me but he was good looking and she had just broken up with her boyfriend and wanted something not too serious. Then, somewhere around their 3rd date she never came home. 3 months later she still hadn't come home but paid me rent at DnD. Finally, she told me she had decided to move in with him and set foot in my house long enough to grab the essentials and let me keep everything else.

My opinion of him hasn't changed in the 8 years. He is dumb. He is constantly suggesting REALLY dumb ideas to problems in our games. The ideas are bad enough that even his girlfriend is constantly saying, "I love you. But that's dumb." Other people ignore his ideas mostly, but I tend to get frustrated over people being stupid and I admit, I let him get to me and sometimes over the course of a session I just get more and more angry that I have to put up with this. But I do, because I've been friends with his girlfriend for 15 years and she is one of the best role players I know.

Check out the movie Unicorn City. It has the exact same plot.

 

[Rabbitbait]

Don't cut him loose, cut yourself loose. Reading your breakdown it appears you have a toxic, juvenile group of friends and since like attracts like I suspect you are just as bad.

Time to grow up, and part of that means making a fresh start. Stop playing D&D, find something else you enjoy. Maybe join an amatuer drama club. But get away from these people. While you are caught up in their pettiness you will be just as petty. You obviously need to grow as a aperson and learn how interpersonal relationships are meant to work and you never will while associated with this group.

Maybe come back to D&D in a few years when you have new people to play with. At the moment gaming is a toxic activity for you and you are just better to get out and find something else.

Consider this your clip around the ear from harsh old Uncle Rabbitbait.