Funniest Thing you have heard at the gaming table

[GnomeWorks]

I was playing a 1e game, and our party magic-user was trying to figure out how large the ranges/distances for his spells were...

Player: How long is an inch?

DM: About a foot.

 

[Kai Lord]

Re: Funniest moment

The single funniest moment in our gaming group did not occur as a result of a gaming situation but rather a snack at the table. In our household my wife and I can never agree on milk, as I prefer the taste of whole milk or 2% while she goes for the healthier skim milk. Consequently, whenever either of us uses milk in a recipe we use the kind that we prefer ourself.

One day, a few weeks after our daughter was born, she cooked up a batch of brownies for the weekly game. After they were served the group began to devour them, complimenting her on how good they tasted. She then said "And they're even healthy for you, because I made them with my milk." As everyone began to either gag or spit out their food she realized what she had said, and quickly explained that she meant skim milk.

LMAO!!!

 

[Spindel]

Humor from a recent episode. The PC's are planning how best to assault a small fortress full of Kobolds. I (as the DM) simply sat back for about an hour while the plotted and schemed about sending in a crew to bash down the front gate while archers rain arrows upon the gate guards and the south wall when the Half-Orc figter came out with
"I know! We'll FLANK them down ONE side!!".
To this day, the player swears the comment was made in character.

 

[Rel]

This wasn't my game, but I heard about it from someone and thought it was hilarious. There was this mage PC that had a rod of fireballs. Some folks were coming to meet this party in a room they had at an inn. The mage didn't really want to meet them, and didn't trust them, but he was over-rided by the rest of the party who thought they might have some good information on whatever it is they were trying to accomplish.

So the mage, in an effort to be intimidating as they walk into the room at the inn decides he's going to casually brandish his rod of fireballs and glare at the NPCs throughout the entire interview. His description of himself as they came into the room sent the whole table into hysterics. "When they come in, I'm sitting on the bed by myself polishing my rod."

This floored me because this EXACT circumstance happened in our group (the only minute detail that differs is that it was a rod of Fire Bolts - from Rolemaster - instead of Fire Balls) and I was the one who said that quote!

I suppose it is possible that it could be coincidence, but I am dying to hear where you heard that story from, Joshua. Did I post it here on the boards in a previous thread similar to this (which would make it a lot less of a coincidence) or did the tale of my gaff somehow make it from NC to MI?

Bizzare.

 

[Kaira]

In our last game, the player of the half-orc barbarian, hits, rolls her 10-sider for damage, and says in an exasperated tone, "This stupid die! I rolled a zero again!!!" Who knows how long she'd been rolling "zeros" before she spoke up!

In a recent game of LotR, we had a situation like that.

P1: [hands the DM a d20 to use in his attack roles]
DM: [Takes dice and uses it]

Some minutes later...

DM: "Gee this dice rolls low"

Upon inspection it was revealed that the d20 had the numbers 1-10...twice...upon it. He hasn't lived it down yet!!!

 

[MeepoTheMighty]

............................................................................................
(Still in sunless citadel)
DM: The large, goblin like creature steps up to you and roars. I AM BALSAG!!!
*players burst out laughing*
............................................................................................

Ahhhh yes. I had to end a session once at that encounter because the party just couldn't stop laughing.

 

[Mortaneus]

In an old Planescape campaign I ran, the fighter, Serin, had a pair of longswords that were soul-bonded to him. They wound up getting destroyed. Serin was so distraught, that he just sat in his room in the party's tower moping.

The party cleric, Mithras (a complete goofball), decided to cheer Serin up.

He had a pair of longswords made that looked like Serin's old ones. He then cast continual light on them, tied lengths of string to each, and went up to the top of the tower.

Serin, all depressed, was sitting in his room. He suddenly heard a clinking sound coming from outside his window. Looking out, he saw a pair of floating, glowing longswords bobbing in his window.

Thinking that his swords were haunting him, he completely freaked out.

Freaked out, that is, until he noticed the strings....

And proceeded to charge up to the top of the tower and beat the ever-living crap out of Mithras.

Since that day, a common phrase heard throughout the group is, "Hey Mithras! It's time for your weekly a**-beating!"

 

[WayneLigon]

Related to me several years ago:

Setup: The party has picked up a magical poleaxe that is evil, intelligent and most importantly self-mobile. They have no knowledge of this.

The party has been travelling for several days. In each village they stay at, there occurs a series of hideous murders (done in secret by the poleaxe). The party puzzles over this, thinking they might be stalked by a werewolf.

The party rogue eventually figures out what's going on, and is sitting in his room, trying to figure out how to deal with the thing.

Knock Knock
"Who's there?" he says fearfully at the door.
"It's not the pole axe."
Player mimes flinging open the door in relief. Then he looks at the DM in disbelief. "I didn't just..."
DM: Yep. CHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOP.
Rouge: AAAIIEuuuughh.

The poleaxe, realizing the jig was up, then went and placed it's bloody gorespattered self in the hand of the sleeping paladin.


=========

We collected several pages worth of 'famous last words' and funny bits from our long-running CoC game.

"Do something to it and see if it reacts."

"Don't shoot anything that comes out of this tunnel. Unless it's carrying me in it's jaws."

"I poke it with a stick."

"Everytime I hear the word 'Cthulhu', I go buy more guns."

"I learned to bathe by watching cats."

"Kuh-Tooloo? Didn't he used to work for Big Al?"

"Does this snake smell funny to you?"

 

[Spoof]

NPC DRUID: "And I don't want you eating any animals in this forest unless they are sking for it!!!"

Halfiling Sorc: "Um, Mr. Druid. I can't speak to animals so how can I tell if they are asking for it?"

 

[AngeloftheKnight]

A really funny thing that we had happen in one of our former campaigns was our party was fighting an army on a ship. We steal one of the lifeboats with my huge fighter, Tiny, rowing like mad to get away from that enemy ship. We stop a good distance away from the ship and our sorcerer and fighter draw out their bows. They both light the tips on fire, and each one rolls a consecutive natural 20. The ship goes down in flames and I'm humming, "Smoke on the water...fire in the sky!"