Leaving Buffalo

[Ampolitor]

Heya!

not a problem, my email now is ampolitor@rcn.com it will change in a month or so, Once i get settled and start back up again I will deff have you as a player. Send me a email, Ill get back to you today or Weds,

 

[Krieg]

Mostly, it just hurts that he comes up smelling like roses (all the friends went with him, and a he has family in less than 3 years) after leaving a relationship that we both made mistakes in, while I've been struggling like crazy.

Take this for what it's worth, but you have got to let go. He is no longer part of your life & obsessing over what is going on in his life is not going to help you in yours.

Work towards putting the pieces back together in your life and don't waste time worrying about somebody else's.

 

[AuroraGyps]

If I could recommend anything, it would be to try to start gaming again. The social interaction would do you good, and if you are indeed female, then there are certainly plenty of eligible bachelors in the world of gaming. Not only will gaming give you something to look forward to every week, but it will allow you to meet new people, get you outside, and boost your self-confidence and social skills.

I tried to get back into gaming with a new group the beginning of this year, but it didn't go too well (some might remember me posting about it here). Basically it came down to me being REALLY rusty dealing w/ people in a social situation (I read my nick name was "angst girl" on a LJ website) When not much is going right in your life, ya don't have much good stuff to talk about and I guess that became a habit. It wasn't all bad news, I talked about good stuff too and I thought I was just making conversation. I really didn't realize what I was doing. It also didn't help that most of the people in the group had the sympathy and understanding of a rock.
The problem is, everytime something goes wrong with people I get more gun shy. And the main problem is the illness. I'm always on guard of what I say, always afraid of doing, saying the wrong thing, always worrying about what people think about me (almost to paranoia). I have no friends and I can't help think "what's wrong with me".
I know it's hard for some people to understand emotional problems. It's not like I can go take a blood test and be told, "hey, the chemicals in you brain are all messed up... take this and it'll be fixed." Not to mention that these days psychiatric care is iffy at best. I take Paxil CR and valium for my problems and have for a few years now. My newest shrink (this is my 5th in almost 4 years) didn't ask any of the usual questions, "how's your sleeping/eating/... any suicidal thoughts..." and then proceeded to write me a script for 120 Valium. I told him I didn't need that many, because I only take 1/2-2 a day AS NEEDED (which he also messed up mamking it "2 every day"... I've got enough problems without being turned into Princess Valium, the Zombie queen) and I've had 30 last me 2-3 months in the past. What did he say? "Oh, don't worry, medicaid will pay for it" (yes, I'm on Medicaid... I had to because my problems didn't let me work enough to qualify for medical where I work and because 1 month of Paxil CR is $287.93... which I need so I can work, so I can eventually get medical... it's an annoying circle). I know there are good docs out there, but I haven't seen one in a while.
And I try not to dwell on my ex, but sometimes it's hard when you have alot of time on your hands. I was with him for 10 years and I feel it was all wasted. I'm 31 and I don't drive (I didn't learn in HS because I was afraid of having panic attacks and hurting people...he was going to teach me, but we never got around to it up here), I never took college classes like I wanted. Problem is, he wanted someone to take care of, but then he changed his mind. Me, I never wanted to be taken care of, I just wanted someone to be supportive while I tried to get better. But, we screwed up big time, several times (among other problems), and in the end he got fed up and left me, but I couldn't leave myself (unless I cut my head off, which is where the root of my problems lie ).
So, while I am better than I was 4 years ago: I can take the bus downtown, run errands (most on foot), make phonecalls (still hard, but I do it)... it doesn't feel so good to always do everything by myself.


PS: Ampolitor is the guy that got me into D&D way back in middle school. If it wasn't for him, I would've grown up reading "Sweet Valley High" books instead of DL & FR. It's YOUR FAULT I'm a a Geek Girl... & I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[Maldur]

I wish you all the best.

Be carefull with the dice lamp

 

[Ampolitor]

heya

hehe, another mind corrupted!
Anyway dont dwell on your X, like I said why do you think my group split from his, Myself Ed, Jose, my brother, steve and the rest 86'ed on them. We didnt care for the supperior attitudes from him and a few others so we did our own gaming thing.
Whatever you do dont go crazy with the meds, docotrs like to medicate because it means more money for them if you become a steady patient. Take it easy and you need to develop the attitude that I have...lol. I dont let anything bother me, if it was meant to be itll happen, if not who gives a damn. I could care less what others think of me as long as what Im doing makes me happy. If i listened or worried about everyone else I wouldnt be where I was today, plus ive been a cop for almost 10 years, lol that wouldnt work.
anyway good luck, and keep in touch


Me on my camping trip last year overseas

 

[AuroraGyps]

Whatever you do dont go crazy with the meds, docotrs like to medicate because it means more money for them if you become a steady patient.

The meds do help. I happen to believe that my problem is chemical, but there's really no way to find out. If I'm not on my meds, I don't function at all. I try to think of it kinda like being a diabetic... I take my meds because my body chemistry is wrong (although avoiding stress is harder than avoiding sugar... diabetics usually aren't waylayed and force fed pixie sticks, but people are always driving me crazy ). But, I do believe that meds should be used only when needed, like to take enough of the edge off a problem so a person can deal with problem, and then wean off the meds, or when a persons brain chemistry is off. Hopefully, someday they'll be able to make a test you can take to test the chemical levels in the brain. I was told I could have a spinal tap and even that wouldn't really tell me anything... no thanks.
BUt I could be much worse. I don't cut myself, I only drink once and a while and never more than maybe 1 &1/2 drinks, I've never done drugs, I never stole, ran away from home, or slept around... I could've turned to any of those things to deal (badly) with my problems. I have a real pain in the butt problem, but it could be much worse.
As for shrinks... my problem is most just "treat & street" these days, seeing dozens of patients a day, for a few minutes at a time, and usually for too much $. Maybe if you payed them by the minute, you'd get more care. Don't get me started on pharmicutical (sp) companies.

Thanks for the pic... I hardly recognize you.

 

[Wycen]

Heya, sounds like moving back with the folks is a good idea for the holidays. My grandpa is being stubborn this year and hasn't yet decided if he's going to spend the holidays with anybody. Or he could be depressed, since grandma pasted away just before New Years a few years ago.

So being with family is a good thing.

And definitely get some gaming going!

 

[AuroraGyps]

Yeah, I haven't spent the holidays with family in a few years (that's one thing I don't miss about my ex.... the holidays w/ his family were nuts). My grandmother just moved into an old folks home near my parents, because she wasn't being treated well by some relatives and health care workers where she used to live on Long Island. She's much happier now & I can't wait to see her that way, cause last time she she just looked so unhappy. I will miss my cat though. She's the only one that stuck with me.... not that she had much choice , but she's made the best of it and I spoil her appropriately.
I get back to Buffalo some time after Jan. 8, because my parents don't want me to be alone for my B-day either, and then I'll start packing. I hope to be out of here by the beginning of March, cause that's when my lease is renewed. I'll stay with the rents for a month or two, cause I don't want to be alone again just yet. I'll regroup, find new docs, start/continue w/ any paperwork I need to (SSI & Medicaid most likely), & start looking places to live & work.
But for now, I'm just trying to chill and enjoy the Holidays.

 

[AuroraGyps]

Made it to the 'rents

Well, Mom & I made it back to her house yesterday in one piece. We've just been recovering from the 7 hour car ride (and the ton of stuff we/I had to carry to the car... Mom has a really bad back, so I'm the muscle when we're together). Glad to see Dad and Max, the mushball Pitbull. I'm still a mess, but I talked to Mom, and we decided that if needs be, we'll make a stop to the local hospital ER if I need extra help that can't wait till I get back to Buffalo and the Jan 14 appointment I have w/ my shrink. Tues, we're gonna run some errands and it's be nice to go out with some company for a change. Xmas will be very low key for us. The only plan we have is that we three and my aunt, uncle, & cousin are gonna have lunch w/ my grandmother at the home she's in (which she's really doing well in).
Thanks again for the support during this crappy time I'm having. Even the tiniest gestures mean alot to me. I'll try to keep you up to date on my health because I don't know if some of you might worry a bit (ya know, "gee, AG hasn't posted in a while... hope she's ok") and I'd hate to be a bother during the holidays. TTYL.

 

[ph34r]

Hopefully everything gets better for you. Take care!