I tried to get back into gaming with a new group the beginning of this year, but it didn't go too well (some might remember me posting about it here). Basically it came down to me being REALLY rusty dealing w/ people in a social situation (I read my nick name was "angst girl" on a LJ website) When not much is going right in your life, ya don't have much good stuff to talk about and I guess that became a habit. It wasn't all bad news, I talked about good stuff too and I thought I was just making conversation. I really didn't realize what I was doing. It also didn't help that most of the people in the group had the sympathy and understanding of a rock.
The problem is, everytime something goes wrong with people I get more gun shy. And the main problem is the illness. I'm always on guard of what I say, always afraid of doing, saying the wrong thing, always worrying about what people think about me (almost to paranoia). I have no friends and I can't help think "what's wrong with me".
I know it's hard for some people to understand emotional problems. It's not like I can go take a blood test and be told, "hey, the chemicals in you brain are all messed up... take this and it'll be fixed." Not to mention that these days psychiatric care is iffy at best. I take Paxil CR and valium for my problems and have for a few years now. My newest shrink (this is my 5th in almost 4 years) didn't ask any of the usual questions, "how's your sleeping/eating/... any suicidal thoughts..." and then proceeded to write me a script for 120 Valium. I told him I didn't need that many, because I only take 1/2-2 a day AS NEEDED (which he also messed up mamking it "2 every day"... I've got enough problems without being turned into Princess Valium, the Zombie queen) and I've had 30 last me 2-3 months in the past. What did he say? "Oh, don't worry, medicaid will pay for it" (yes, I'm on Medicaid... I had to because my problems didn't let me work enough to qualify for medical where I work and because 1 month of Paxil CR is $287.93... which I need so I can work, so I can eventually get medical... it's an annoying circle). I know there are good docs out there, but I haven't seen one in a while.
And I try not to dwell on my ex, but sometimes it's hard when you have alot of time on your hands. I was with him for 10 years and I feel it was all wasted. I'm 31 and I don't drive (I didn't learn in HS because I was afraid of having panic attacks and hurting people...he was going to teach me, but we never got around to it up here), I never took college classes like I wanted. Problem is, he wanted someone to take care of, but then he changed his mind. Me, I never wanted to be taken care of, I just wanted someone to be supportive while I tried to get better. But, we screwed up big time, several times (among other problems), and in the end he got fed up and left me, but I couldn't leave myself (unless I cut my head off, which is where the root of my problems lie
).
So, while I am better than I was 4 years ago: I can take the bus downtown, run errands (most on foot), make phonecalls (still hard, but I do it)... it doesn't feel so good to always do everything by myself.
PS: Ampolitor is the guy that got me into D&D way back in middle school. If it wasn't for him, I would've grown up reading "Sweet Valley High" books instead of DL & FR. It's YOUR FAULT I'm a a Geek Girl... & I wouldn't have it any other way.