tarchon
First Post
(GP) HOWLING HILLS - Orc activists say orcs are dying every day, and they point to the influence of so-called "real life" as the cause. "Dis be tuff time ta be orc," says Mr. Jaktshik, a spokesperson for the group Orc Not Happy About Get Killt So Much (ONHAGKMS), the acronym for which is the Orcish word for a type of lemon curry, misspelled slightly. He explains, "Evry day orcz be stand front of cave, have smoke, talk 'bout pollytik, mind own biznis, ya know? Den some guyz - an dey allus got dwarf an elf wit dem, hey wat up wit dat? - inyhow, dey come, kill all dem ded. Udder orcz go over, say 'wat do dat for, huh?' Den dey kill udder orcz too!"
When pressed to explain their actions by shocked witnesses and orc spokespersons, the assailants cite such motivations as "stress from work," "trouble with the wife," or "the pressures of real life." Jaktshik comments, "It obvivibus! Dis 'real life' ting be big horkin mennis. So we fyle class akshun soot, got rel gud loyyer, no kash down."
Mr. Jaktshik points out that although different assailants are reported in each assault, the groups strangely seem to comprise similar assortments of individuals, such as one invariably described as wearing clerical robes, who however seems to lack any clear religious sensibilities or moral compunctions. An ONHAGKMS pamphlet entitled "Dem Syko Killrz: Wat Look For" also lists several other alleged perpetrator profiles, including "big killr guy, wit big sord, clank like kettl" and "rober guy who act like nobody know he crook but iny idjit kin tell." Listed as well are the so-called "dwarf" and "elf," who are said to disagree on nearly every issue but that of committing violence against Orcs, which they are for. These similarities, the organization claims, are clear proof of a common cause for the attacks, this "real life."
Orcs also complain about their inability to protect themselves against the formidable armaments carried by their attackers. One Orc, who asked not to be named, noted, "We just got deze crap ass littl sordz an speerz. Doze guyz come hit us wit big horkin glowin sords, got fire burnin on 'em, chop orc head off, like dat!" The orc snaps his fingers emphatically. "We go orc god, say, 'hey orc god, get us big kool swordz like dat,' but he just mumble some [bovine excrement] 'bout treshur type an say go talk to Monty Haul!" Jaktshik adds "Me kant say so much rite now, cuz uv leegul stuf, but me just say dat Haul guy got big supprize comin wen he anser door for candygram tomorrow. Me talkin 'bout prosess survur, reel suttle, see."
Until the courts act however, Jaktshik and his fellow embattled Orcs remain fearful and frustrated by what they call "the reel teraristerists," taking their only solace in traditional Orcish pastimes, such as "Paypurs-n-Paytsheks," a uniquely Orcish diversion in which the players take on the roles of "greedee corporlit execaitiffs." The only time even a slight smile crosses the scarred faces of Mr. Jaktshik and his cohorts is when he mentions that his "partee," as the troupe is called, has just successfully acquired a "littl gaym cumpny dat tink dey gonna make gayms sted ov munney. We see bout dat!" The Orcs laugh for once, but it's the empty, hollow laugh of slow-witted and vaguely porcine barbarians who have nowhere to turn but a painfully slow court system already overburdened by such contentious issues as cursed-magic-item product liability suits.
When pressed to explain their actions by shocked witnesses and orc spokespersons, the assailants cite such motivations as "stress from work," "trouble with the wife," or "the pressures of real life." Jaktshik comments, "It obvivibus! Dis 'real life' ting be big horkin mennis. So we fyle class akshun soot, got rel gud loyyer, no kash down."
Mr. Jaktshik points out that although different assailants are reported in each assault, the groups strangely seem to comprise similar assortments of individuals, such as one invariably described as wearing clerical robes, who however seems to lack any clear religious sensibilities or moral compunctions. An ONHAGKMS pamphlet entitled "Dem Syko Killrz: Wat Look For" also lists several other alleged perpetrator profiles, including "big killr guy, wit big sord, clank like kettl" and "rober guy who act like nobody know he crook but iny idjit kin tell." Listed as well are the so-called "dwarf" and "elf," who are said to disagree on nearly every issue but that of committing violence against Orcs, which they are for. These similarities, the organization claims, are clear proof of a common cause for the attacks, this "real life."
Orcs also complain about their inability to protect themselves against the formidable armaments carried by their attackers. One Orc, who asked not to be named, noted, "We just got deze crap ass littl sordz an speerz. Doze guyz come hit us wit big horkin glowin sords, got fire burnin on 'em, chop orc head off, like dat!" The orc snaps his fingers emphatically. "We go orc god, say, 'hey orc god, get us big kool swordz like dat,' but he just mumble some [bovine excrement] 'bout treshur type an say go talk to Monty Haul!" Jaktshik adds "Me kant say so much rite now, cuz uv leegul stuf, but me just say dat Haul guy got big supprize comin wen he anser door for candygram tomorrow. Me talkin 'bout prosess survur, reel suttle, see."
Until the courts act however, Jaktshik and his fellow embattled Orcs remain fearful and frustrated by what they call "the reel teraristerists," taking their only solace in traditional Orcish pastimes, such as "Paypurs-n-Paytsheks," a uniquely Orcish diversion in which the players take on the roles of "greedee corporlit execaitiffs." The only time even a slight smile crosses the scarred faces of Mr. Jaktshik and his cohorts is when he mentions that his "partee," as the troupe is called, has just successfully acquired a "littl gaym cumpny dat tink dey gonna make gayms sted ov munney. We see bout dat!" The Orcs laugh for once, but it's the empty, hollow laugh of slow-witted and vaguely porcine barbarians who have nowhere to turn but a painfully slow court system already overburdened by such contentious issues as cursed-magic-item product liability suits.
