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Wulf's Collected Story Hour -- FINAL UPDATE 12/25

Wulf Ratbane

Adventurer
Just sitting here enjoying my Black Adder collection and had a moment I'd like to share:

Nurse: Tell me Edmund, do you have someone special in your life?

Blackadder: Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Nurse: Who?

Blackadder: Me.

Nurse: No, I mean someone you love, and cherish, and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt.

Blackadder: Hmm... Still me, really...
 

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Wulf Ratbane

Adventurer
LORD OF THE IRON FORTRESS-- Part III

Stopping only briefly to loot the fallen priestess, they returned to Rigus to lick their wounds. Once they were safely back in the Twin Stars inn, they took a closer look at the loot.

A chain shirt, a buckler, some potions. Alliane identified a scroll of heal that Wulf discreetly tucked into his belt. See if I can’t figure that out later…

No one noticed. Alliane had already moved on to the drow’s wand. “Bull’s Strength,” she announced. “And plenty of charges. That will come in handy.”

Wulf nodded as he cinched up the buckler and strapped it across his left forearm. “Not the sort o’ thing I’d waste time and money makin’ myself, but a nice little bonus.” He flexed his buckler arm once or twice and did some practice draws from the wide band of daggers across his chest.

“I guess we probably want to sell this,” said Karak. He was turning the drow’s light mace over and over in his hands. The top of the mace was rather unsubtly tipped with the multi-pointed star of chaos.

“Like hell we do,” said Wulf, snatching the mace away and looping it through his belt alongside his growing collection of oddball weapons. “I reckon that’ll be handy out here in lawful-lawful land.”

*****

The following day they risked their luck at the gate again. Moving through the bone portal they arrived in Acheron, care of the Battlecube once more.

“Well,” said Wulf. “Guess we try to teleport from here to the Lost Cube, right?”

“Sight unseen?” Keldas was alternately looking down at Verachus’ crystal, then scanning the grey skies of Acheron for Imperagon’s cube. They could see other cubes flying through the void, but it was impossible to tell them apart. What’s more, there wasn’t any good way to gauge distances: what could appear to be a large cube many miles away could in fact be a small cube fairly close.

Wulf shrugged. “Yer got a better idea? I’m game.”

“Come on,” said Shorty, “What’s the worst that can happen?”

*****

Their first attempt was wildly off.

They found themselves standing on the featureless flat plane of a floating cube-- not their cube, of course, not the one they were looking for, but a cube that had apparently been selected as a battleground by warring factions.

A boulder skidded past them, striking sparks off the iron. “Giants!” yelled Wulf.

The party had arrived in the midst of a battle-- actually, physically, between fire giants on the one side and frost giants on the other. Shorty immediately began casting, thinking he’d blow a few giants to smithereens without being particularly fussy about which side he chipped in on.

Wulf stayed his arm. “We need to get out of here… NOW.”

“You don’t think we can take them?”

Wulf looked around. The battle was in full pitch, with dozens of giants on either side. “Trust me on this.”

They teleported again, trying once more for Imperagon’s so-called Lost Cube.

*****

Keldas sat uncomfortably on Shorty’s small flying carpet and bent to peer around Alliane, who herself was seated uncomfortably between her cousin’s legs. Behind her on the 5’x9’ carpet was Loyal, and he had Shorty in his lap.

All in all, it was a little too chummy for Wulf’s tastes-- sittin’ lapsies with the cohorts. He was grateful for the wings of flying he’d inherited from the peck. Karak hovered nearby on his own set of wings and waited for Keldas to give the word.

“Well,” he said. “That’s the right cube. I’d say it’s about a 100 miles out. Shall we?”

The party flew ahead through the featureless sky of Acheron, and the Lost Cube loomed slowly larger. They had covered about half the distance when Keldas suddenly shouted a warning. “There’s something…”

“Over there…” Wulf finished for him.

Before they could truly register the threat, a pair of spectres materialized around Karak and drained a good chunk of his life-force.

Wulf drew his bone-handled dagger-- the one he’d picked up in Nightfang Spire, the dread bane of ghostly creatures . “I hope yer still got that bastard sword I gave yer, assmar…”

“I have it! I have it!” the paladin swore.

Unfortunately, their weapons would be of little use to them. Materializing out of the mists came two dark, winged horrors, the likes of which none of them had ever seen. The creatures chuckled to themselves as the party’s surprise and horror turned to full-fledged magical confusion. Wulf stood dumb-struck for several precious moments, looking back and forth between the dark horrors and Karak, unsure of who to attack. Something deep inside him hoped the paladin would stray within reach of his blade, and he chuckled to himself, echoing the mad laughter of the dark horrors.

Wulf watched as Keldas, Loyal, and Shorty succumbed to the confusion as well. Alliane leapt off Shorty’s carpet and hovered in the air beside it. You couldn’t really “fall” in Acheron, but neither was she able to move. She bailed out just in time as Shorty, in command of the carpet, decided to wander away. The spectres moved in to Alliane and began draining her lifeforce as well.

More importantly, they drained away memory of certain key spells, not the least of which was her plane shift.

The carpet sailed off with Loyal, Keldas, and Shorty on board, and the dark horrors followed. Leaving the spectres behind to deal with Wulf, Alliane, and Karak, the creatures flew alonside the carpet, swiping at Loyal from time to time with wicked talons. Their laughter increased in intensity as the entire party of seasoned adventurers was completely incapacitated by their confusion ability.

In a dim corner of Wulf’s mind he registered all this. Frankly he couldn’t believe that Keldas and Shorty both had lacked the will to resist the effect, yet he could still see them out there, sailing away into the distant skies of Acheron. Loyal sat on the carpet, eyes blank, doing nothing even as the dark horrors shredded him bit by bit.

Eventually Loyal had enough. He stood and drew his bow, nocked an arrow, and fired.

At Keldas.

We are so dead, thought Wulf. Still he sat dumbfounded. His hands itched to attack something. Anything. Just let the paladin get a little closer…

Karak did just that. Grabbing Alliane by the scruff of her neck, he dragged her over to Wulf. Then he grabbed Wulf and unceremoniously teleported the three of them the hell out of dodge.

While half the party cooled their heels and counted their blessings back at the gate to Acheron, things got worse for Keldas, Shorty, and Loyal. Before Keldas made up his mind to attack Loyal, the elf archer finally pitched face-first onto the carpet, bleeding out from the wounds of the winged horrors. They’d fled for nearly a full minute, and though they easily outpaced the spectres, the horrors had kept up with them, occasionally unleashing “bursts” of confusion on their hapless prey. By the time Shorty had finally had enough of wandering away aimlessly, he was “re-confused”—and, unfortunately, clearly pissed.

Loyal lay dying on the carpet before him and Shorty lashed out at the nearest enemy: Keldas.

Firing up a brutal seething surge, the little peck’s hand shot out and grabbed Keldas in the most uncomfortable of places. Massive energies pulsed through the link, and had it not been for Keldas’ energy buffer, he’d have easily been slain by this single spell.

Keldas’ thrice-addled mind concocted an appropriate response:

He fired a disintegrate ray into Shorty’s face.
 

Wulf Ratbane

Adventurer
Nail said:
"Did you read what happened t' Shorty today!?! That's gotta hurt....." <toothy grin>

Shorty's gettin' downright testy these days. One too many trips to the other side of the grave has turned him into a nastly little bugger.

He's a demon on wheels with that Brutal Seething Surge, too. I honestly don't think he has EVER used that spell without getting a critical hit. Seriously.


Wulf
 

paulewaug

Registered User
Hey there!
I just wanted to get in here and say that I am a Huge fan of Wulf and Wulf's Collected Story Hour is at the top of my 'Must Read' list.

It's all old news now for the 'longtime' readers but I just wanted to voice my support for how Wulf handled 'The Peck'.
That was a wonderful chapter to the story and a long awaited outcome. ;)
Hey Wulf, Have you ever read David Gemmell's novel "Morningstar"?
It is a good novel of a "Hero" in the same vein as Wulf Ratbane. I think the two of you would get along very well!
Keep up the great work. I am sad to say I find Wulf to be an inspiration!! ;)

Shameless plug....Please check out my story hour The Heroes of Haven
and let me know what you think?:D
 

Wulf Ratbane

Adventurer
paulewaug said:
Hey Wulf, Have you ever read David Gemmell's novel "Morningstar"?

Nope... Right now I am reading Steven King's Dark Tower series. I like it a lot... although it's influencing my mood, I can't say it's as Wulf-y as the Blackadder DVD's I have been devouring as well.

I am sad to say I find Wulf to be an inspiration!! ;)

Good for you! Other than myself, you're the first person to admit that's a problem!

Shameless plug....Please check out my story hour The Heroes of Haven
and let me know what you think?:D

You catch on fast, what with the shameless plugging and all. I'll check it out this evening, after I get back from running my Lazy Days game. Hafta pound a few more PCs flat with giants...

Wulf
 

Wulf Ratbane

Adventurer
Plane Sailing said:
I notice that Wulf has cleverly used the Shorty vs Kheldas issue to obscure the tiny detail that the paladin saved his life :D

It was an interesting moment at the table, let me tell you. The player was looking around the table, asking everyone, what should I do, what should I do?

The options were:

(a) stay and fight, which would probably end up in TPK
(b) save who he could and leave the other half of the party to die

I just sat quietly with my hands folded in my lap and refused to comment even to save my own life. Those are the sorts of decisions a wannabe paladin should make on his own.

Well, that and the fact that, if he's going to save my life, I ain't beggin' him for it.

Wulf
 

Wulf Ratbane

Adventurer
LORD OF THE IRON FORTRESS-- Part III (cont.)

Firing up a brutal seething surge, the little peck’s hand shot out and grabbed Keldas in the most uncomfortable of places. Massive energies pulsed through the link, and had it not been for Keldas’ energy buffer, he’d have easily been slain by this single spell.

Keldas’ thrice-addled mind concocted an appropriate response:

He fired a disintegrate ray into Shorty’s face.

Fortunately, halflings are made of sterner stuff than most-- or so it’s said-- and Shorty looked ready for more. This realization slowly seeped in to Keldas and he backed up, stepping off the carpet to float in midair.

Shorty’s brain struggled with options: Kill the elf? Kill those winged things? In the end, he decided once again to simply wander away. The carpet took off like a shot and Keldas was left hanging in mid-air to face the horrors alone.

Fortunately, Loyal’s wounds were not as bad as they appeared, and before long he stabilized and his breathing returned to normal. By the time Shorty regained his senses, Keldas was a thousand yards away. Sadly, Shorty could do nothing but teleport to safety.

*****

In the interim, however, Wulf had not been idle. He roughly shoved a scroll of plane shift into Alliane’s hands, and with Karak’s helmet the three of them were soon back in the Forge.

The Old Man hardly seemed surprised to see them. “You look like you just walked off a battlefield in Acheron,” he deadpanned.

“No time for jokes, Old Man! We need a miracle and we need it now!”

“Ahh, as you know…”

“Right, right, 28,000… We’ll settle up later. Bring Keldas, Shorty, and Loyal back here before it’s too late.”

“Are they dead?”

“Dead or alive, don’t care, just wish ‘em home.”

Miracle.

“Whatever. They WILL be dead if you don’t move yer ass.”

All things considered, it was a simple Miracle. They weren’t unravelling time or raising folks back to life. Wulf figured if they acted quickly enough, it wasn’t all that much more complicated than a planar summons. And it worked: Their three companions were returned to them, bodies, gear, and all.

“How did you defeat those winged horrors?” Shorty immediately blurted out.

“I didn’t. They were taking their time with me.” Keldas frowned. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Bet they were sorry to see yer go… Ach, by the way, yer owe the old man here twenny-eight large.”

*****

After a brief rest (and one more misadventure with some infernal rocs) the party finally managed to set foot on Imperagon’s so-called Lost Cube. A flat iron plane stretched off for hundreds of miles in every direction. There was no sign of any “Iron Fortress.”

Wulf thought for a moment. “Right… Let’s head to the corner, then we can peek over and scan three sides at once.”

They took to the sky and headed for the “southeast” corner. It took them the better part of the day-- or at least, what apparently passed for a day in Acheron-- before they reached the corner. Luck wasn’t with them. Shorty lay down to peer over the edge and reported the disappointing news.

“No tower. What now?”

“Reckon we head for the opposite corner and try again.”

It was a journey of several hundred miles back across the surface, covering acres they’d scanned already. There was a growing suspicion in Wulf’s mind that the side they wanted would be on the opposite face of the cube. Fortunately, before he could get work himself into a foul mood, they struck paydirt.

No, it wasn’t the Iron Fortress, but it would do. Below them on the surface of the cube, some sort of nasty scrap was going on. Wulf looked at both sides like he was scanning a menu and couldn’t decide what to order for his main course: Three formians were lined up in orderly fashion against three humanoids.

Like Wulf, Shorty was itching to let fly with something nasty. “Who do we blast? The bugs?”

“Not sure yet… Let’s get closer and give it a second to decide.”

Wulf was glad he’d waited. As they swooped closer the humanoid figures resolved into better clarity. They were fiends of some sort, and from the looks of the dead formians lying around, they were getting the better part of the deal. It took no time for the group to move into attack formation alongside the formians.

As soon as they had closed the distance to the melee, the leader of the fiends stepped back, cackled madly, and belched forth a power word: blind. Keldas and Alliane were both temporarily blinded by the blast, but Shorty took the worst of it. With a flash and a bit of smoke, his eyes were completely vaporized. Loyal held on for dear life as Shorty wheeled the carpet around and flew off in full retreat.

The other two fiends weren’t idle, either. They each blasted the area with a chaos hammer, pounding the formians and the two elves-- much to Wulf’s amusement, of course. Unfortunately they’d acted a bit too soon, otherwise they might have caught the paladin who came charging into their ranks to smite their leader. Wulf took the opportunity to dart past the three fiends and come up in a nice flanking position, his weapons hacking away in a blur of destruction.

Though blinded, Keldas stepped back slightly and polymorphed himself into an umber hulk. Clever move, Wulf thought. Tremorsense! Alliane, also blinded, back-pedalled out of the area just as another two chaos hammers rained down on the group. This time, Keldas and Karak were caught, and they were both staggered by the blast-- again, much to Wulf’s amusement.

Wulf changed his tune a moment later when the formians unexpectedly countered with Order’s Wrath, leaving Wulf dazed for a moment. Through the haze over his eyes he saw Loyal grab control of Shorty’s carpet and come sailing around in a wide circle on their flank. Loyal had pushed Shorty to the front of the carpet, and though the little blind halfling should have been holding on for dear life, he was gritting his teeth, staring forward with his empty eye sockets, and casting.

“What the hell are yer doin’… oh, no…”

Wulf realized just in time what Loyal had in mind. He was already dodging before he heard Loyal shout, “Now, Shorty! Lighting bolt, dead ahead!”

The stroke of lightning would have caught Wulf had he not jumped at the last moment to hide behind the fiend’s leader. Karak finished the work they’d started, finally dropping the fiend’s leader. One of the hench-fiends, acting with military precision, dropped back from the front line to grab a potion from its belt. Wulf acted quickly as the fiend tried to pour the potion down the throat of their fallen leader.

“Ach, no…” Taranak lashed out and smashed the flask into a thousand pieces. The potion sizzled in the wake of the fiery axe.

Thinking they’d got the better of him, the second fiend stepped up to try the same trick.

“No, again…” Another flask was smashed to pieces. Clearly, they’d underestimated Wulf’s combat reflexes. The dwarf with the fiery axe seemed to tower over their fallen leader, and there was nothing they could do but watch his life bleed away. Oddly enough, the fiends chuckled, a deep throaty sound that was oddly familiar. They continued chuckling and babbling even as Loyal and the formians cut them down.

Wulf was genuinely surprised to see the “fiends” revert to their natural form as their bodies finally gave up the ghost.

Slaadi! Wulf slapped his forehead in frustration. I guess if I’d ‘a known that, I might’ve fought with ‘em.

But it was all for the best, as they soon discovered through Wulf’s canny interrogation.

“What yer doin’ out here?”

“We were on a hunting / reprisal raid versus the metallic cats,” came the nearly monotone reply. The party instantly recognized the metallic cats-- surely the same assassins that had been sent to Rigus.

Wulf grinned his friendliest, most genuine grin. “Reckon we ought to talk, then. Take us to yer leader.”
 

ROFLMAO!

I had almost expunged that horrible day from my mind. Thank you for bringing it back to the surface.


You forgot though about the bolt action rifles that hit better and harder than barret .50 sniper rifles. ;)


Wulf Ratbane said:


That's become our new catch-phrase for any monster that conveniently shows up when the party is doing better than the DM expected, and he wants to "put them in their place." (They appear from the depths of the DM's Sarlacc Pit, if you know what I mean...)

Of course, the Tusken Raiders in question must possess constantly morphing stats-- BAB, AC, hit points, skills, whatever it takes-- so that no matter what the PC's do, they are outclassed and completely faced by the DM's newly arrived :):):):)bums.

Also known as "Tusken Ex Machina."


Wulf
 

drunkadelic

First Post
Wulf Ratbane said:

Of course, the Tusken Raiders in question must possess constantly morphing stats-- BAB, AC, hit points, skills, whatever it takes-- so that no matter what the PC's do, they are outclassed and completely faced by the DM's newly arrived :):):):)bums.

Facts:
1. Dinkeldogs are mammals.
2. Dinkeldogs fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the Dinkeldog is to flip out and kill PCs.
 


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