Eternalknight
First Post
reveal said:
To get some ammusement. Doesn't have to be offensive to any one group; having said that, are any of these really offensive?
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You're Joking!
- Thread starter Eternalknight
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To get some ammusement. Doesn't have to be offensive to any one group; having said that, are any of these really offensive?
Eternalknight
First Post
You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.
So--you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.
So--you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
Eternalknight
First Post
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running
late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running
late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
WayneLigon
Adventurer
Two best friends, Sam Frank and Frank Sam, die in a car accident. Frank Sam, having lived a virtuous life, ascends to Heaven while his buddy falls straight to Hell. Some time later, Frank Sam goes to Saint Peter to ask a favor.
"Saint Peter, I know my friend was a bad person, but he was still my friend. I'd like to go see him if I could."
Saint Peter thinks about this. "Very well, I shall grant your request. You have to be back by 10PM, though."
"Thanks!" Frank Sam says and descends into the Pit to visit his buddy.
Sam Frank has set up a nightclub in Hell, just like he had on Earth. He's delighted to see his buddy, and takes him on a tour. They stay out all night, drinking and smoking and watching the dancers. Finally at dawn, Frank Sam yelps, having forgotten Saint Peter's demands, and rushes straight back to Heaven.
Saint Peter is there waiting for him, tapping his foot. "You have any idea what time it is? You've got beer stains on your robe, and your wings are all mussed up and your harp! Where's your harp!"
The man yelps. "Oh, no! I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco!"
"Saint Peter, I know my friend was a bad person, but he was still my friend. I'd like to go see him if I could."
Saint Peter thinks about this. "Very well, I shall grant your request. You have to be back by 10PM, though."
"Thanks!" Frank Sam says and descends into the Pit to visit his buddy.
Sam Frank has set up a nightclub in Hell, just like he had on Earth. He's delighted to see his buddy, and takes him on a tour. They stay out all night, drinking and smoking and watching the dancers. Finally at dawn, Frank Sam yelps, having forgotten Saint Peter's demands, and rushes straight back to Heaven.
Saint Peter is there waiting for him, tapping his foot. "You have any idea what time it is? You've got beer stains on your robe, and your wings are all mussed up and your harp! Where's your harp!"
The man yelps. "Oh, no! I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco!"
WayneLigon
Adventurer
Three friends die very close together. They are all standing before Saint Peter, who calls them forward. "Your families are gathering to pay their last respects. Whatever you wish their last words to be, speak now, and it shall be so."
The first man steps forward and says "He was a great humanitarian, and shall be remembered forever."
The second man steps forward and says 'He was a wonderful husband, and a kind loving father."
The third man steps forward and says "It's a miracle! He's moving!"
The first man steps forward and says "He was a great humanitarian, and shall be remembered forever."
The second man steps forward and says 'He was a wonderful husband, and a kind loving father."
The third man steps forward and says "It's a miracle! He's moving!"
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only one- all of the rest are true stories.
A: Only one- all of the rest are true stories.
Billy Bob Thornton, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates all die on the same day. St. Peter ushers them before God upon His throne to tell Him their sins and their regrets before having judgement passed upon them.
Billy Bob Thornton, eyes downcast, said, "I believe I was too wild and crazy...I wasted my talents, and dishonored my wife...I'm sorry"
God replied, "Your honesty has removed the burdens of your sins, my son...enter the Kingdom."
Bill Clinton said, with head bowed and tears in his eyes, "I believe I, like Billy, dishonored my marital vows...and I did it a lot. I also treated my body like a garbage can, which was clearly not your intent, Lord. I was a glutton."
God replied, "Your honesty has removed the burdens of your sins, my son...enter the Kingdom."
Bill Gates looked at God upon his throne and said, "I believe you're sitting in my seat..."
Billy Bob Thornton, eyes downcast, said, "I believe I was too wild and crazy...I wasted my talents, and dishonored my wife...I'm sorry"
God replied, "Your honesty has removed the burdens of your sins, my son...enter the Kingdom."
Bill Clinton said, with head bowed and tears in his eyes, "I believe I, like Billy, dishonored my marital vows...and I did it a lot. I also treated my body like a garbage can, which was clearly not your intent, Lord. I was a glutton."
God replied, "Your honesty has removed the burdens of your sins, my son...enter the Kingdom."
Bill Gates looked at God upon his throne and said, "I believe you're sitting in my seat..."
Tinner
First Post
How about a d20 Modern joke that's offensive to Gully Dwarves?
Gurgle the Gully Dwarf applies for a job at a telephone help desk.
"I'm going to give you a very simple test Gurgle. If you pass you get the job. Just use the following three words correctly. Green, Pink and Yellow."
Gurgle scratches his head and thinks for a moment before holding a phone to his ear. "Green, green, green. I Pink up the phone. Yellow!"
Gurgle the Gully Dwarf applies for a job at a telephone help desk.
"I'm going to give you a very simple test Gurgle. If you pass you get the job. Just use the following three words correctly. Green, Pink and Yellow."
Gurgle scratches his head and thinks for a moment before holding a phone to his ear. "Green, green, green. I Pink up the phone. Yellow!"
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