On Whether to Get the GF Involved or Not

[joethelawyer]

If you don't want to bring in an SO because of group dynamics, that's fine. But to claim that it's inherently a bad idea is closed-minded.

maybe i should have been more specific then. my conclusion was based on personal anecdotes from my actual group and their wives/gf's, as well as a hypothetical (the tarrasque thing) based on those same people. i never said there was anything inherently bad about wives/gf's playing. just for us it worked out to be a good thing that the wives/gf's never got involved.

if i thought it was inherently a bad thing i wouldnt have asked what others thought. i would have just stated the fact, proclaimed my omniscience, and asked the board management to close the thread and make it a sticky.

 

[mhacdebhandia]

overall i think that a gf/wife uninterested in dnd is a good thing. what do you guys think about it? what have our experiences been?

Your examples are really weird and don't reflect the kind of relationship I have with my wife.

First, I don't really have this concept of a "night with the guys" in my social life. For the last ten years or so, ever since I left high school, I have been close friends with both men and women, with a small but noticeable preference for close female friends over close male friends. I don't have a group of "the guys" with whom I would want to spend time without women, and I certainly wouldn't choose to put together an all-male gaming group by deliberate choice. I try to have a gender-balanced group for the games I run, at least as much because I want to give the generally less-experienced female gamers I know more chances to play as for the simple sake of balance.

(A related fact is that I don't have a "regular gaming group" - every game in which I've played or which I have run has been put together from the wider social circle of which I'm a part. There's a certain amount of player overlap, but I have never played in a game which had entirely the same player roster as another game.)

Second, my wife is a gamer and I am delighted by that fact. Gaming is a huge hobby for me, and the fact that she enjoys it as well is really cool and helps strengthen our relationship. She doesn't play in all of the games in which I play, nor will she be part of every game I run (mostly because sometimes I'll run games in which she's not interested), but the fact that she does play alongside me is great.

So, yeah, you're pretty much posting from Bizarro World as far as I'm concerned. I don't get this "gaming night is for guys only" thing at all.

 

[Mouseferatu]

Your examples are really weird and don't reflect the kind of relationship I have with my wife.

First, I don't really have this concept of a "night with the guys" in my social life. For the last ten years or so, ever since I left high school, I have been close friends with both men and women, with a small but noticeable preference for close female friends over close male friends. I don't have a group of "the guys" with whom I would want to spend time without women, and I certainly wouldn't choose to put together an all-male gaming group by deliberate choice.

This.

Second, my wife is a gamer and I am delighted by that fact. Gaming is a huge hobby for me, and the fact that she enjoys it as well is really cool and helps strengthen our relationship. She doesn't play in all of the games in which I play, nor will she be part of every game I run (mostly because sometimes I'll run games in which she's not interested), but the fact that she does play alongside me is great.

So, yeah, you're pretty much posting from Bizarro World as far as I'm concerned. I don't get this "gaming night is for guys only" thing at all.

Also this.

 

[mhacdebhandia]

High-five for being married to gamer women who are often called by masculine names, Ari!

 

[WayneLigon]

overall i think that a gf/wife uninterested in dnd is a good thing. what do you guys think about it? what have our experiences been?

It's always good to have some 'time apart' each week or so, but generally the best relationships I've seen are where they share a lot of hobbies, including D&D. Any couple that takes arguements to the table or uses it for petty revenge for slights and such isn't destined to stay together for very long - or it's a good indication they shouldn't be together to begin with.

None of my friends have wives or girlfriends who treat the game as an intrusion or something that the husband has to 'bargain' for, mainly because they're all older adults who've been married for some time now - usually at least 10 years or more.

 

[Morrus]

I'm with those who find the original post a bit odd.

My Thursday night gaming group is all male, but not deliberately so. None of the wives or girlfriends elect to join in; certainly Sharon (my girlfriend) knows damn well she can say any Thursday night "You know what? I'd like to give it a try tonight."; and nobody would be even slightly bothered by it. But she won't, because she doesn't want to.

It's just not an issue I've ever come across. "Do I get the GF involved?" is a simple answer to me. If she wants to be, then yes. If she doesn't, then no.

Full disclosure: I do understand and appreciate the concept of a "guy's night", and find it equally odd when people claim they don't, any more than when women choose to have a "girl's night". Sometimes, I do like all-male company, and yes that does create a different dynamic - a dynamic which I enjoy from time to time; it's naive to suggets it doesn't. I don't associate that with D&D, though. That's a drinking night out or something. And even then, if Sharon suddenly exhibited a desire to come along, there'd be no question as to whether she was welcome or not. Of course she is.

So, in answer to the OP's question: yes if she's interested. No if she's not. Surely it's up to her, and why would anyone exclude her?

Oh, and I've never experienced the "you get a night playing D&D so I want this" baragaining situation presented. That really would strike me as an odd thing for some to do. If Sharon wants to do something one night, she can do it. No questions. So can I. As it happens, we happen by choice to choose to spend most of our time together because we like each other. If I say "I'm going out Wednesday with X" there's no problem; and vice-versa. I'd be a bit disturbed if time became a negotiable commodity. Thursday nights, certainly, just aren't an issue; it's what I do on Thursdays.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

In 30+ years of gaming, I've played alongside plenty of male and female gamers, but IME, there simply aren't as many women in gaming as men.

However, only in a few cases have my groups included gamers who were involved with someone in the group.

Of those, most have ended badly. By circumstances that are surely statistical aberrations, about 75% of the couples I've encountered in gaming groups have gotten divorces (or otherwise broke up), resulting in either one or both of them leaving the group.

As for those gamers who come to the table with SOs (significant others), it really has become a "Guy's Night Out" more often than not...not the least of which reasons is they generally have kids who need to be monitored.

We game every other week, and on the weeks we don't game, the SOs get to go out sans kiddies- usually with their galpals- while the gamer dudes play "Mr. Mom: the RPG."

And just to be clear- its not like we're trying for guys only, it just usually works out that way. Of the last 2 groups that had any real track record, one has 10 guys and no women, the other had 4 women and 6 guys (though only 4 guys at any one time).

 

[Brasswatchman]

Having observed this myself a few times, I've come to the conclusion that it takes a very specific kind of personality to really get this hobby. My only suggestion to anyone trying is not try to force anything.

 

[El Mahdi]

I can understand the wanting to have a "guys night", regardless of the theme. And I agree, as themes go, D&D night is probably one of the least threatening and most acceptable from the standpoint of a significant other, as long as they like your geek side (in my experience most do, even if they use it to tease you). I'd think from the standpoint of most significant others, gaming definitely beats barhopping and other less respectable "guys night" pastimes.

If you and the guys in your group prefer a "guys only" game night, I don't see a problem with it. If that works for you guys, then play on. Now, thinking that a "guys only" format is the absolute best, for every gaming group, I'd have to take issue with that. I'm not saying that's necessarily what you intended to say, but that's how your OP came across (at least that's the way I read it, and it seems like some others did also based on some of the above posts).

I've played in both types of games. Being in the military, and being deployed or stationed overseas while single, I've played a few games that happened to be only guys. However, it wasn't an intentional choice, just the reality of the location (and I'm not saying there aren't female members of the military that aren't gamers also). The first game I ever played in had two married couples there every weekend, a third that occasionally played, and four or five single guys that rotated through the game (actually everyone kind of rotated through the game, based on who was deployed at the time and who wasn't). The last game group I was involved in had three couples as permanent members and only one guy who gamed without his wife (she just didn't get gaming, but it was cool with her for him to play). Even though the "all guys" game was a really good game (more because of the game itself than the group), the groups I've had the most fun in have been mixed groups with wives and girlfriends.

I'm not trying to say that your ideas are wrong at all. Just don't close yourself off to the possibility of such a game. In my book, nothing makes the game better than a variety of different approaches and viewpoints within a game group (at least to a certain extent, there are certain gamer types that just don't mix well with eachother, but that's a different thread entirely). Now playing in a group with a significant other that really doesn't like gaming, but is only doing it for some other reason, usually doesn't work very well. In that case I prefer she doesn't play. But, I find that's an exception rather than the rule.

It's no great revelation but, men and women think differently. That diversity of thought only seems to add to the fun, I've never seen it be detrimental. Besides, they smell nice.

 

[mhacdebhandia]

Full disclosure: I do understand and appreciate the concept of a "guy's night", and find it equally odd when people claim they don't, any more than when women choose to have a "girl's night". Sometimes, I do like all-male company, and yes that does create a different dynamic - a dynamic which I enjoy from time to time; it's naive to suggets it doesn't.

I agree that it creates a different dynamic. I just don't enjoy it enough to seek it out - certainly not in preference to hanging out with more of my good friends.