toucanbuzz
No rule is inviolate
I stumbled across an article from a few years back that proposed a pretty hilarious list of actual D&D classes over the years that...well...sound a bit lame. So which one should top the list? Here's my modified list, and to help you decide (your top 3 votes), and appreciate how far D&D has come:
1. Fighting Man. The original D&D from the 70s had 3 classes: fighting man, magic-user, and cleric. The ultimate declaration of sexism, so sorry ladies, you're out for a few editions. But don't worry, in the next revision you'll later get the "amazon" and a 17 Strength limitation.
2. Beggar. AD&D Arabian Adventures & Player's Options, nothing says heroic like playing the beggar. You can beat your enemies over the head with your starting equipment, a wooden bowl, and then use your skills of hiding in a crowd to flee. You're proficient in the useful skill of begging, because when conquering dungeons doesn't work out, you'll have a fallback career of earning a few coppers a day and your companions won't.
3. Anchorite. AD&D Domains of Dread, your caster loses their powers if they move more than 100 yards from their anchor. Gee, that really opens your adventuring options.
4. Pacifist. AD&D Complete Priest & Druid Handbooks and 3.5, a class that won't kill. It's described as being a "real aggravation" to the rest of the party. You think? In fact, DMs are urged to keep fighting quests short so the rest of the party doesn't want to kill the pacifist. Good luck getting XP.
5. Clown. AD&D City of Gold, you can play an f***ing clown. Yeah. A clown might find his "lifestyle a hindrance." But, thankfully, you're a delightful part of the local culture, entertaining them with your "buffoonery." Armed with your club and body paint, you'll be sure to put a smile on the faces of your fellow adventuring companions as they bury your 1st level character after the first combat. Because if I'm running a monster, they're going to kill the f***ing clown first.
6. Pest Controller. AD&D Complete Dwarf's Handbook, rogues continue to get love by getting to play the Orkin man. Your gear consists of cages and the uncanny ability to get rid of rats and navigate sewers. Plus, your party will never suffer from fleas or ticks. Not to be confused with the Vermin Slayer from this book.
7. Ghetto Fighter. Also from the Dwarf's Handbook, we get the totally WRONG, as in "no, no, no - how did this pass editing???" class who got tough growing up in the barrio. You should start with thieves' picks and have distinctive scars, perhaps something amputated from street fights, and you have a bad reputation with the police (no joke), because we all know what happens when you grow up poor. But, in your roleplay notes, you never forget where you came from and "stay true" to your roots. GAH!
8. Rapid Response Rider. The Dwarf's Handbook gets a trifecta here. It's actually a cavalry class, but the name suggests sirens on the top of your head and training in CPR. Nothing like walking up to your gaming table with a straight face on this one.
9. Factotum. From 3.5's Dungeonscape, this horribly-named class allows you to mimic what every other class can do and is built for players who can't make up their minds. Can't decide if you wanted to play a rogue, or a fighter, or a wizard? Do it all! Not to be confused with the 1990s television series "The Pretender" about genius who could mimic any other profession.
10. Dandy. AD&D Masque of the Red Death, you can play a fop, a socialite with a d4 for hit points with no powers and no combat skills. From Gizmodo: "And, if I was a vampire in Ravenloft, the first thing I would is run around killing everyone who willingly called themselves a Dandy."
11. Laborer. Masque of Death candidate #2, the guy with no money but a good work ethic. You get a bonus when performing acts of hard labor. Hey, when the party needs those crates moved without getting a hernia, you'll be the one with the last laugh.
12. Buffoon. AD&D Complete Book of Gnomes and Halflings. If you're notice a pattern here of what happens when a company pushes out too many products in a short period of time and gets shoddy sh*t, you're onto why Wizards is pacing itself. Not to be confused with the clown, the buffoon carries horns, juggling balls, and a wig kit to use slapstick humor to overcome his foes. His jokes are so funny that he can actually force an enemy spellcaster to laugh so hard they can't cast their spell. Your special "hindrance?" You have to walk around looking ridiculous, no different than your choice of this class kit.
13. Goblinsticker. Same book, a lot of bad ones here. This fighter class wants to commit genocide, or "stick it to" a particular race. It could also be a koboldsticker, or an ogresticker, or whatever you want to stick it in. I guess the "Punisher" or "Avenger" or any cool title was already taken.
14. Mine Rowdy. AD&D Complete Book of Humanoids. Ever wanted to play a slave overseer? Hell yeah, that'll be a great time and go over well when I share with my friends what type of games I play in my free time! But wait, you've been forced to flee into the adventuring life, so enjoy that -1 penalty to doing anything above the mines. You're skilled at chanting (an actual skill) and have a good work ethic (because being a slave overseer is always associated with "go-getters").
15. Urban Druid. From 3.5, Dragon Compendium (issue #317). Per gizmodo: "These members of this 3.5 edition class celebrate nature by… staying as far as hell away from it as possible." Pretty much a cop-out for any DM whose players pressure them to get all the powers of a druid and none of the roleplaying. Feel free to enjoy the night life in the local taverns and owning metal weapons. Instead of navigating through nature, you get the power to navigate easily through rush-hour traffic and to develop at 20th level a street network of urchins to tell you what's happening in your neighborhood.
16. Unicorn Rider. AD&D Elves of Evermeet. Yep, my 5-year old daughter would've written this one up if TSR hadn't beat her to it. Sparkles and glitter everyone. And, our female gamers stuck with the "fighting man" finally get some love. Only the ladies get to ride unicorns. Sexist beasts...
17. Consort. AD&D Complete Ninja's Handbook. Oh, if your collection wasn't complete, you needed 140 pages of ninjas. Your primary skills are romance and seduction, and if you play a female consort, you get to be called "kunoichi," which is simply a term used for the "female ninja." But you only get to be referred to with the fancy female ninja title if you play the ninja that seduces.
18. Peasant Hero / Priest / Wizard. AD&D Complete Books for them all. Life isn't complete unless you can play a poor version of your fighter, cleric, or wizard.
1. Fighting Man. The original D&D from the 70s had 3 classes: fighting man, magic-user, and cleric. The ultimate declaration of sexism, so sorry ladies, you're out for a few editions. But don't worry, in the next revision you'll later get the "amazon" and a 17 Strength limitation.
2. Beggar. AD&D Arabian Adventures & Player's Options, nothing says heroic like playing the beggar. You can beat your enemies over the head with your starting equipment, a wooden bowl, and then use your skills of hiding in a crowd to flee. You're proficient in the useful skill of begging, because when conquering dungeons doesn't work out, you'll have a fallback career of earning a few coppers a day and your companions won't.
3. Anchorite. AD&D Domains of Dread, your caster loses their powers if they move more than 100 yards from their anchor. Gee, that really opens your adventuring options.
4. Pacifist. AD&D Complete Priest & Druid Handbooks and 3.5, a class that won't kill. It's described as being a "real aggravation" to the rest of the party. You think? In fact, DMs are urged to keep fighting quests short so the rest of the party doesn't want to kill the pacifist. Good luck getting XP.
5. Clown. AD&D City of Gold, you can play an f***ing clown. Yeah. A clown might find his "lifestyle a hindrance." But, thankfully, you're a delightful part of the local culture, entertaining them with your "buffoonery." Armed with your club and body paint, you'll be sure to put a smile on the faces of your fellow adventuring companions as they bury your 1st level character after the first combat. Because if I'm running a monster, they're going to kill the f***ing clown first.
6. Pest Controller. AD&D Complete Dwarf's Handbook, rogues continue to get love by getting to play the Orkin man. Your gear consists of cages and the uncanny ability to get rid of rats and navigate sewers. Plus, your party will never suffer from fleas or ticks. Not to be confused with the Vermin Slayer from this book.
7. Ghetto Fighter. Also from the Dwarf's Handbook, we get the totally WRONG, as in "no, no, no - how did this pass editing???" class who got tough growing up in the barrio. You should start with thieves' picks and have distinctive scars, perhaps something amputated from street fights, and you have a bad reputation with the police (no joke), because we all know what happens when you grow up poor. But, in your roleplay notes, you never forget where you came from and "stay true" to your roots. GAH!
8. Rapid Response Rider. The Dwarf's Handbook gets a trifecta here. It's actually a cavalry class, but the name suggests sirens on the top of your head and training in CPR. Nothing like walking up to your gaming table with a straight face on this one.
9. Factotum. From 3.5's Dungeonscape, this horribly-named class allows you to mimic what every other class can do and is built for players who can't make up their minds. Can't decide if you wanted to play a rogue, or a fighter, or a wizard? Do it all! Not to be confused with the 1990s television series "The Pretender" about genius who could mimic any other profession.
10. Dandy. AD&D Masque of the Red Death, you can play a fop, a socialite with a d4 for hit points with no powers and no combat skills. From Gizmodo: "And, if I was a vampire in Ravenloft, the first thing I would is run around killing everyone who willingly called themselves a Dandy."
11. Laborer. Masque of Death candidate #2, the guy with no money but a good work ethic. You get a bonus when performing acts of hard labor. Hey, when the party needs those crates moved without getting a hernia, you'll be the one with the last laugh.
12. Buffoon. AD&D Complete Book of Gnomes and Halflings. If you're notice a pattern here of what happens when a company pushes out too many products in a short period of time and gets shoddy sh*t, you're onto why Wizards is pacing itself. Not to be confused with the clown, the buffoon carries horns, juggling balls, and a wig kit to use slapstick humor to overcome his foes. His jokes are so funny that he can actually force an enemy spellcaster to laugh so hard they can't cast their spell. Your special "hindrance?" You have to walk around looking ridiculous, no different than your choice of this class kit.
13. Goblinsticker. Same book, a lot of bad ones here. This fighter class wants to commit genocide, or "stick it to" a particular race. It could also be a koboldsticker, or an ogresticker, or whatever you want to stick it in. I guess the "Punisher" or "Avenger" or any cool title was already taken.
14. Mine Rowdy. AD&D Complete Book of Humanoids. Ever wanted to play a slave overseer? Hell yeah, that'll be a great time and go over well when I share with my friends what type of games I play in my free time! But wait, you've been forced to flee into the adventuring life, so enjoy that -1 penalty to doing anything above the mines. You're skilled at chanting (an actual skill) and have a good work ethic (because being a slave overseer is always associated with "go-getters").
15. Urban Druid. From 3.5, Dragon Compendium (issue #317). Per gizmodo: "These members of this 3.5 edition class celebrate nature by… staying as far as hell away from it as possible." Pretty much a cop-out for any DM whose players pressure them to get all the powers of a druid and none of the roleplaying. Feel free to enjoy the night life in the local taverns and owning metal weapons. Instead of navigating through nature, you get the power to navigate easily through rush-hour traffic and to develop at 20th level a street network of urchins to tell you what's happening in your neighborhood.
16. Unicorn Rider. AD&D Elves of Evermeet. Yep, my 5-year old daughter would've written this one up if TSR hadn't beat her to it. Sparkles and glitter everyone. And, our female gamers stuck with the "fighting man" finally get some love. Only the ladies get to ride unicorns. Sexist beasts...
17. Consort. AD&D Complete Ninja's Handbook. Oh, if your collection wasn't complete, you needed 140 pages of ninjas. Your primary skills are romance and seduction, and if you play a female consort, you get to be called "kunoichi," which is simply a term used for the "female ninja." But you only get to be referred to with the fancy female ninja title if you play the ninja that seduces.
18. Peasant Hero / Priest / Wizard. AD&D Complete Books for them all. Life isn't complete unless you can play a poor version of your fighter, cleric, or wizard.
