You have a Kaiju!

[Dannyalcatraz]

A buddy of mine and I occasionally amuse ourselves by pitching bad movie ideas to each other*. They’re supposed to be so bad they should be flops- in a sense, echoing The Producers. This often happens when we eat dinner at restaurants.

I nearly killed him one night by pitching the story of a kaiju racoon. To ensure my film would be a flop, I gave the movie a name that conjured both notions of plagiarism AND would probably create boycotts because it sounds racist: King Coon.

Obviously, the multistory raccoon would still have all the attributes of its regular sized city cousins- curiosity, manual dexterity, and an interest in trash.

I think the plot’s getting more fleshed out…

 

[Bohandas]

A while ago I calculated the 3.5e stats for a kaiju hedgehog (based on hedgehog familiar stats and a template from Dragon Magazine) after seeing one depicted in Handbook of Heroes

Kaiju hedgehog
Size/Type: Colossal Magical Beast (augmented animal)
HD: 40d10 + 440 (660)
Initiative: -4
Speed: 20 ft., Burrow 20 ft.
Armor Class: 27 (+29 Natural, -4 dex, -8 size), Defensive ball 29, flat-footed 27, touch -2,
Base Attack/Grapple: +40/+75
Attack: Bite +51 melee (4d8+19)
Full Attack: Bite +51 melee (4d8+19)
Space/Reach: 40x40/20ft
Special Attacks: Battle Roar, Breath Weapon, Poison, Improved Trample
Special Qualities: DR 15/Epic, Darkvision 120 feet, Defensive ball, Immune to Non-artifact mind control, Fire Resistance 50, SR 16
Saves: Fort +33, Ref +18, Will +14
Abilities: Str 49 Dex 2 Con 32 Int 2 Wis 12 Cha 25
Skills: Hide +9, Listen +19, Spot +19
Feats: Weapon Finesse, Battle Roar, Improved Trample (kaiju only gain feats per 4 hd above 32 hd)


Breath Weapon (Su): 100 foot line, 10d6 fire damage. Reflex DC 41 halves

Defensive Ball (Ex): Rolls into a ball as a standard action, granting a +2 circumstance bonus on saves and AC. Unrolling is a free action.

Poison (Ex): When in a defensive ball (see below), spines poison foes touching the hedgehog; injury, Fortitude DC 41, initial and secondary damage 1d2 Dex.

Battle Roar (Su): Move action. Causes All creatures under 6 HD within 1200 feet to become shaken. Creatures with 7HD or more receive a DC 37 will save to avoid being shaken. Deafened creatures are unaffected. A bard may use countersong to allow allies within 30 feet to use the bard's perform check in place of their save roll. This is a mind-affecting sonic effect.

Improved Trample: Can run over a gargantuan or smaller opponent as a standard action. Deals 4d12+10 damage (4d12+0 damage in defensive ball). This does not incur an attack of opportunity. Deals double damage to structures.

Immune to Mind-Influencing Effects: Immune to mind influencing effects except those originating from powerful artifacts or from deities.

First, posting this for context:

Spoiler: Selfie

A buddy of mine and I occasionally amuse ourselves by pitching bad movie ideas to each other*. They’re supposed to be so bad they should be flops- in a sense, echoing The Producers. This often happens when we eat dinner at restaurants.

I nearly killed him one night by pitching the story of a kaiju racoon. To ensure my film would be a flop, I gave the movie a name that conjured both notions of plagiarism AND would probably create boycotts because it sounds racist: King Coon.

Obviously, the multistory raccoon would still have all the attributes of its regular sized city cousins- curiosity, manual dexterity, and an interest in trash.



* my Mom and I do likewise with musicals when we’re on road trips together.

I heard that the b-movie director Uwe Boll has pulled a variant of the Producers scam in real life more than once

 

[Richards]

Spiny Norman?

Johnathan

 

[PrunellaUK]

"I'm gonna love him, and hug him, and pet him, and call him George!"

 

[RenleyRenfield]

"I'm gonna love him, and hug him, and pet him, and call him George!"

Why did that remind me of this? =

 

[PrunellaUK]

The original:

 

[Mallus]

As a young boy I would have said Jet Jaguar but seeing as I’m almost 56 something more fundamentally busted like Jet Alone is probably more appropriate.

Yes, I know they’re both robots. But kaiju-adjacent robots.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

As a young boy I would have said Jet Jaguar but seeing as I’m almost 56 something more fundamentally busted like Jet Alone is probably more appropriate.

Yes, I know they’re both robots. But kaiju-adjacent robots.

In Jet Jaguar’s case, literally kaiju-adjacent.

 

[Peter BOSCO'S]

Is "whichever one I can sell for the most to an eccentric billionaire who actually wants a kaiju, as long as I have no negative safety or legal issues from this process" too crass of an answer?

If so, I will pick "Plastic-whalio" a kaiju that filters and eats, like a baleen whale, ocean plastic to help clean up them up.
When it has eaten enough plastic it splits in two to reproduce, so the process will go faster.

I did not "befriend it" so much as I "genetically modified an existing whale using my mad science, bwa ha ha ha ha!" 'd it.