A dilema

[devilbat]

When the husband finds out that all this went on under your roof, and you weren't even a good enough person to tell him, much less that good of a friend, he's going to be HOT, and you'll be just as bad in his eyes.

Thats a good point. This situation has never happened to me, but if it did, I would be disgusted with all those involved that kept it from me.

By not putting a stop to the actions in question immediately, the original poster became part of the problem. Now he is an enabler, as it has happened, on more then one occasion, in his house. At least hotels get paid for their rooms.

 

[Miln]

We must be operating on a different guy code.

Mine clearly states that "A friend, who cheats with another friends wife, shall be held down, and kicked in the nards until such time as he is truly repentent of his acts. Further more, the friend who's spouce did cheat, shall be the judge as to when the cheater is truly repentent".

Pretty straight forward if you ask me.

Nuf' said.

 

[Ralts Bloodthorne]

By not putting a stop to the actions in question immediately, the original poster became part of the problem. Now he is an enabler, as it has happened, on more then one occasion, in his house. At least hotels get paid for their rooms.

He can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat if he applies the following parts of the Guy Code:

Don't crap where I live.
Do unto other guys like you'd like done unto you by them.
Play with your own toys.


If he puts a stop to it, lets the other guy know what is going on, and tells Mr. Cool and Ms. Adulteress to get the hell out of there, even if the gaming group gets damaged and has to be rebuilt, he has something that he will lose if he just stands aside and lets them do it.

His self-respect.

I'll take self-respect over two people who have chosen to abuse my hospitality and make me a pawn in thier little game.

 

[Rel]

The answer is obvious. Before the next game, give your buddy a call and tell him to pick up some snacks and sodas (or beer, whatever). Make sure she knows it is her week to pay for the pizza. Do the same each and every week. If they complain, explain that they have no choice unless they wish their affair to be common knowledge. Once you are sure they are bent to your will, cooking, laundry, and even bathroom cleaning are not out of the question. Just remember, start small and work up to the big stuff lest they break off their romance and ruin your opportunity to loaf a while. The student must become the master. Let us know how it goes!

Mark, I just think you should know, I love you. I'm not about to start cheating on my wife with you but if you keep up this sort of posting I may have to reevaluate that decision.

To me, this has gone past a certain point of no return. If you by chance had spotted them making out at some secluded park or at a restaurant in a nearby town, you could (maybe) turn a blind eye or (maybe) not see to it that the husband was informed. But it's gone way past that. They've done this sort of stuff in your home, in front of you and several other people, including people who are friends with the husband. They've probably already told other people and this secret has gotten way out of control.

Somehow, someway, this guy has to be allowed in on the secret because not doing so means that he not only has a cheating wife that he knows nothing about but also looks like a fool in front of his friends. Not telling him means he has no friends and if a man has to wake up at some point and realize that he not only has a cheating wife but also no friends...well then there's no damn justice in this world.

It could be that the guys in the group who are closer friends with the husband have already told him or are planning to. Regardless, my first move would be to confront them about it, tell them that you expected it to stop and that you expected the husband to be informed. Failing any of that I'd tell the husband myself and inform the two of them that they were not to darken my doorstep again.

The world is full of scummy people. That doesn't mean I have to associate with them.

 

[Lonely Tylenol]

The answer is obvious. Before the next game, give your buddy a call and tell him to pick up some snacks and sodas (or beer, whatever). Make sure she knows it is her week to pay for the pizza. Do the same each and every week. If they complain, explain that they have no choice unless they wish their affair to be common knowledge. Once you are sure they are bent to your will, cooking, laundry, and even bathroom cleaning are not out of the question. Just remember, start small and work up to the big stuff lest they break off their romance and ruin your opportunity to loaf a while. The student must become the master. Let us know how it goes!

Ah, yes. The ferengi method of winning friends and influencing people.
"Exploitation begins in the home!"

 

[Kastil]

Here's why I don't think there's an obligation to tell the husband about the wife's cheating:

If the wife is cheating, the relationship between her and her husband is obviously very dysfunctional. Do you really think that the cheating is the only problem with the marriage?

No- the husband knows that the relationship is dysfunctional and has chosen to participate in it anyway. He's the one who married this person, the consequences are his responsibility.

So not true. I've known people who thought everything was fine and the next thing they knew, they're marriage was gone. Sometimes the love in the marriage is one sided or one person doesn't feel they get what they want from the marriage. Perhaps she's doing it for the sheer thrill and believes no one would have the balls (granted mine are a little higher up ) to tell her husband or her word is golden to his ear. It's pretty easy to manipulate those who love you when you want to get what you want.

Hell, for all we know if the situation, the husband could be told and still stay with the wife because she's the only person he's ever loved. I know one thing. I'd tell him because I'd care and she deserves to be shown for the cheater she is and suffer the consequences, if any, of her actions. Selfish is the person who doesn't think beyond their own wants and desires.

 

[Henry]

The "Tell the Husband" is a tricky part; I can see both sides of this issue. What I WOULD do, however, is make it stop with regards to your involvement, whether or not this broke up the gaming group. This is because, to me, game is game and LIFE is LIFE (caps for emphasis) - there will be other gaming groups, but you and these people only have one life to live (no pun intended). I'd bring it up to the two of them, and strongly suggest she needs to tell the husband and go into some sort of counselling, because (I'd say this to her, also) "it doesn't matter whether I tell him, or a friend tells him, or he finds out through a slip from your actions, he WILL find out eventually, and it WILL destroy you, him, and the marriage."

Personally, I'd want to know; but I can't tell you what's best for you.

If it were me, I'd just hope that the both of them aren't bat crazy and decide to try and kill me and my family to prevent me from telling, or something, because I personally wouldn't want to have to get their bloodstains off my floor.

 

[Anti-Sean]

Not to make light of the situation at all, but now I'm tempted to write up the Guy Code and use it as the basis for a Paladin's Code.

Does this mean that I'm contributing to the maxim that all threads here will ultimately become Paladin/Alignment debates?

Also, it's yet another reminder of how damn awesome my wife is, and how lucky I am! Maybe I should pick up some flowers on the way home tonight...

 

[BSF]

Ow - hurts to be you. The thing is, this situation is tough to negotiate. You cannot provide enough information in a mere messageboard posting to really allow all of us to give useful advice.

It makes you uncomfortable and it is in your place. Ask them to stop. Or to leave. There is no question that you are deserving of at least that much respect.

If these people are really your friends then you probably have a bit of an idea whether there is any chance of recovering the relationship. I have to go with Umbran on this. If the relationship can likely be saved it has it's best chances of success with the wife coming clean. If you are a good friend, encourage her to have the courage to make that step.

If you are reasonably sure this is going to go down in flames, the best you can do is damage control. Be honest with everyone involved. Realize that you are almost certainly going to lose two players and three friends. You may have other fallout within the game group as well. But at that point, this has moved well beyond gaming. Try to stay out of the ensuing mess of drama.

What else can I say? I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

 

[billd91]

These other two people have made it your business and the business of everyone else at the table. Having been in a similar situation as the husband in this scenario, my opinion is that you should tell him. It might hurt him in the short run, but it also means you are telling him the truth rather than hiding something that is probably important. My friends elected not to tell me when they found out my supposedly-monogamous long term girlfriend was cheating on me. And that still kind of hurts because it means they were more interested in staying out of the problem than in my feelings.
If you confront the two, chances are they'll probably just take the issue away from your prying eyes and won't actually resolve it. It's possible they might, and if you feel particularly generous to them (for which you should feel no obligation), give them a grace period to knock it off. If they seem to do so, fine, don't tell him.
But if it's clear it is continuing, do the right thing and tell the husband.