A dilema

[Flexor the Mighty!]

In any event I'd tell them that doesn't work at your house and to knock it off. I'd tell my two snogging friends that you aren't down with that and to knock it off in your house. It's screwing up the game and it's making everyone feel uncomfortable in the process. Would I tell the husband? Well if I was good friends with the wife and not with the hubby then I wouldn't. If I was good friends with all three I'd tell her that she needs to do something about this relationship other than screw around since it is obviously screwed up big time. If I was good friends with the husband but not the woman I'd tell him most likely.

I've got two friends, both I've known for a long time. Married for 7-8 years. She has been screwing around on him occasionally, not in front of me though. Over the past few years he has pretty much treated her like crap with constant put downs and insults and non stop rips. He insults her constantly in front of other poeple. They fight a lot, but they for some reason are still together. Am I going to tell her husband that she has cheated on him? Nope. I've told her that she needs to re-evaluate why she is married to him, and I've asked him why he is with her if she seems to bring that out in him all the time. Neither gave much of an answer. So it's not my buisness since she isn't screwing around on him at my place. If for example there was a party or something here and I walked into the bathroom with her going at it with some othe guy I'd tell them to knock it off but I am not going to go charging to tell her husband. It's not my buisness since in a way I can't really blame her. I think she should leave him instead but she won't. I think he should leave her since he treats her with so little respect. But they don't and I'm not going into the middle of that mess.

Do you know what kind of relationship they have? Do you know what is going on for this to get to this point between them? How close are you to both of them? There can be more going on than is covered "guy code" drivel.

In any event the whole situation sucks. Mine and yours.

 

[Mark Chance]

Here's my unoriginal take: There will be no adultery committed in my house, regardless of whether people think such things are acceptable or the possible existence of that depravity called an "open marriage." The couple involved would have a choice: stop entirely in my presence or leave me presence entirely.

I'd also let them both know that I'd be telling the husband about the infidelity the next time I see him.

 

[cmanos]

also think about how much you want to go to divorce courtn and testify....

 

[jasper]

also think about how much you want to go to divorce courtn and testify....

yes far be it that you be put out because you make a stand.

 

[Aus_Snow]

Here's my unoriginal take: There will be no adultery committed in my house, regardless of whether people think such things are acceptable or the possible existence of that depravity called an "open marriage." The couple involved would have a choice: stop entirely in my presence or leave me presence entirely.

I'd also let them both know that I'd be telling the husband about the infidelity the next time I see him.

Yep. Sounds just right to me, too. And to my girlfriend when I asked her what she thought about it, incidentally.

Be with someone, or don't. There's no reason at all for being half-assed about it (which is putting it as kindly as I'd like to).

All it requires is to place yourself in the (in this case) husband's shoes for a second, drawing upon imagination or other sources as required. Simple as that. IMO, of course.

 

[Lord Pendragon]

That doesn't change that fact that it is her job, her responsibility. The fact that she doesn't do it doesn't change that she should. That she is unlikely to ever do it doesn't change the fact that, whatever happens in the end it'll generally be better for everyone involved if she confesses.

Shoulda coulda woulda. I am not going to stand by and watch a friend's girl treat him like dirt on the off-chance that she'll tell him what she's done and try to make it right. He deserves to know what's going on.

If the point is really to do right by the husband, then do it right. Doing it the easy way isn't doing anyone a real favor. If you're going to get in the business of mucking in the affairs (literally) of others, don't do a slapdash job of it.

Here we fundamentally disagree. As I see it, telling the husband is doing it the hard way. I certainly don't relish the idea of telling any man that a woman he loves has betrayed his trust. That's a conversation I could really, really do without. But I feel I owe it to a friend to "do it right."

The easy way is, IMO, what you are suggesting. To stand back, claim that it's better for all involved if the woman fesses up, and hope that eventually she gets around to it.

@ Mark Chance: I agree 237%.

 

[Kastil]

I don't believe Griffonsec said anything in this thread where the husband's an ass or that the wife has 'issues'. The fact is sometimes there's things going wrong in a marriage that one or the other are oblivious to. Instead of talking to your spouse (WOW! What a concept!), they find someone else to lay their feelings out.

All it takes is someone to make the other person 'feel' like they're something special, perhaps what they believe is missing in their own marriage. These false feelings lead them into the relationship. It's kinda like the first time you fall in love and you feel great for that period.

It's when you wake up from your lucid dream that your world falls apart. However this thing turns out, someone's going to be emotionally scarred. It would be nice if people would take a step back and realize what they're doing before they do it but it usually doesn't happen.

Humans, by nature, can be very selfish creatures only caring for their own wants and desires. I've been married for over 14 years and have certainly had my share of ups and downs and lack of communication almost blew that all to hell. The more she keeps this a secret from her husband, the more of a chance she loses what she had (whatever that may be) with her husband. He might be able to forgive her but he'll never forget.

 

[TheEvil]

Shoulda coulda woulda. I am not going to stand by and watch a friend's girl treat him like dirt on the off-chance that she'll tell him what she's done and try to make it right. He deserves to know what's going on.Here we fundamentally disagree. As I see it, telling the husband is doing it the hard way. I certainly don't relish the idea of telling any man that a woman he loves has betrayed his trust. That's a conversation I could really, really do without. But I feel I owe it to a friend to "do it right."

The easy way is, IMO, what you are suggesting. To stand back, claim that it's better for all involved if the woman fesses up, and hope that eventually she gets around to it.

@ Mark Chance: I agree 237%.

Just to make sure I understand your approach, you wouldn't talk to the wife and the other guy at all other then to tell them to get out, possibly mentioning that you were going to tell the husband?

 

[DonTadow]

This is a D and D game not a love connection. I play with my gf and two other couples and I had to establish a rule of "NO LOVIN'" at the game table. No flirting, no hooking up none of that.

I joke that the only two people I've ever had to kick out of my game were these two people whom "hooked up during my game". When we (my gf and I) interviewed the girl, she was engaged and her fiance was at the table. A month and a half later, she was practically sitting on the lap of the new male player. By two months he was interupting the gaming session by showing her baby pictures in the middle of the game. The distraction was annoying to myself and the other couples.

Honestly, don't want to know too much about the personal lives of my players outside of teh basic friend stuff. Basic stuff iscool but its not my place to go around playing matlock and calling up that girls fiance. That's her own thing, her own problems and her own demons. Your job as DM is to run the game and these things always interupt the game. Pull them aside and give them a warning. Recommend it might be best if they sit in different spots. I"d tell them look, your personal life is not my business, I don't approve of what you're doing but its not my business. As far as the game, it is my business and this is interputing the game. Don't bring it to the gaming table.

If you interfere (and thisi s the case with any friend or family member) you are pulling yourself into their problems (which are ALWAYS more complex than simply cheating on someone) and bring problems onto your gaming table. As a matter of fact, I'd only bring myself to interfere if it wasa close friend or family member, other than that its not worth bringing it into my life. It's not as easy as you telling them there's a problem in their relatioship, you're going to be dragged in for future conversations, arguments and may even be blamed as the culprit.

 

[Lord Pendragon]

Just to make sure I understand your approach, you wouldn't talk to the wife and the other guy at all other then to tell them to get out, possibly mentioning that you were going to tell the husband?

I would do exactly what Mark Chance suggested.

I'm curious what you are suggesting when you say "talk to the wife and other guy." Are you saying you would attempt to become some sort of relationship counselor or confessor in this case? Just to make sure I understand your approach.