NoOneofConsequence
First Post
Someone urged me to post some fiction here today, so I'll start with an old piece of fan fiction. This is based on the original Baldur's Gate CRPG, so if you've never played it alot of the humour won't make much sense.
Please enjoy.
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A Ghoul’s Gotta Eat.
The ghoul sat down upon a gravestone to munch on the haunch it had captured for itself. On another tombstone nearby sat its skeleton, constant companion. With no tongue, the skeleton didn’t say much and that was alright because it was a good listener and the ghoul loved to talk.
“So I says to the ghast,” the ghoul said, continuing its joke to the punchline. “That’s not a baby, that’s a rock! Ha ha ha!”
A revenant staggered between the two friends, moaning as it went.
“Hey,” called the ghoul. “What are you about?”
“Uhhnn…re..ven..ge.” moaned the revenant.
“Oh, you’re a revenant. I should have known.” The ghoul rolled its eyes towards the sky. This took rather longer than it would have liked since its left eye tended to fall out if it wasn’t careful. The skeleton said nothing but its enigmatic silence only confirmed that it agreed with the ghoul. “So, tell us what happened to you, you know you want to.”
“Ssslain…life…tak..en….”
“Well isn’t that a revelation. Ha! A revelation from a revenant! That’s a good one.” He looked to his friend who smiled in his lipless, jawless, expressionless way. “Of course you were slain! You’re dead, idiot!”
“Ssslain…by…Bhaal…”
“A dead god killed you? As if!”
“By…hurnn…Bhaalspawn…”
“Oh no!” the ghoul slapped his thigh, and the one he was eating as well. “You’re stuffed mate. If some Bhaalspawn took you out then you can kiss revenge goodbye my lad. They’re too tough for the likes of you. Or me for that matter. I’d give it up if I was you mate!”
“…Nooo…revenge…on thief…”
“Ah,” the ghoul nodded sagely, something the skeleton never did, because it knocked its teeth together. “So someone’s stolen some precious thing and you can’t get any rest till you recover it, huh? Honestly, some people are sooo possessive! Tell me, what could possibly be so important that you couldn’t rest eternally without it? I mean its not as if you’ve got much use for anything. Some trinket? A dagger maybe (it’s always a dagger with you lot)?”
The revenant staggered again. “Thief…stole…”
“Stole what? Come on, this is starting to get dull and you’re disturbing my dinner.”
“Stole…leg.”
“Oh!” the ghoul looked from the empty space where the revenant’s left leg used to be down at the half eaten thigh it was munching on. It held it up half heartedly. “Look…um…you sure you want this back?”
Please enjoy.
----
A Ghoul’s Gotta Eat.
The ghoul sat down upon a gravestone to munch on the haunch it had captured for itself. On another tombstone nearby sat its skeleton, constant companion. With no tongue, the skeleton didn’t say much and that was alright because it was a good listener and the ghoul loved to talk.
“So I says to the ghast,” the ghoul said, continuing its joke to the punchline. “That’s not a baby, that’s a rock! Ha ha ha!”
A revenant staggered between the two friends, moaning as it went.
“Hey,” called the ghoul. “What are you about?”
“Uhhnn…re..ven..ge.” moaned the revenant.
“Oh, you’re a revenant. I should have known.” The ghoul rolled its eyes towards the sky. This took rather longer than it would have liked since its left eye tended to fall out if it wasn’t careful. The skeleton said nothing but its enigmatic silence only confirmed that it agreed with the ghoul. “So, tell us what happened to you, you know you want to.”
“Ssslain…life…tak..en….”
“Well isn’t that a revelation. Ha! A revelation from a revenant! That’s a good one.” He looked to his friend who smiled in his lipless, jawless, expressionless way. “Of course you were slain! You’re dead, idiot!”
“Ssslain…by…Bhaal…”
“A dead god killed you? As if!”
“By…hurnn…Bhaalspawn…”
“Oh no!” the ghoul slapped his thigh, and the one he was eating as well. “You’re stuffed mate. If some Bhaalspawn took you out then you can kiss revenge goodbye my lad. They’re too tough for the likes of you. Or me for that matter. I’d give it up if I was you mate!”
“…Nooo…revenge…on thief…”
“Ah,” the ghoul nodded sagely, something the skeleton never did, because it knocked its teeth together. “So someone’s stolen some precious thing and you can’t get any rest till you recover it, huh? Honestly, some people are sooo possessive! Tell me, what could possibly be so important that you couldn’t rest eternally without it? I mean its not as if you’ve got much use for anything. Some trinket? A dagger maybe (it’s always a dagger with you lot)?”
The revenant staggered again. “Thief…stole…”
“Stole what? Come on, this is starting to get dull and you’re disturbing my dinner.”
“Stole…leg.”
“Oh!” the ghoul looked from the empty space where the revenant’s left leg used to be down at the half eaten thigh it was munching on. It held it up half heartedly. “Look…um…you sure you want this back?”
