[ADULT - Medical Update] Angelsboi Q & A

[Darrin Drader]

Ryan,

I understand how bad this is, and that if your T-cells don't start increasing very soon, you could go at any time. I'm really sorry to hear of this turn of events, and I very much hope you pull through despite what the odds look like right now. If not, then know that we will always consider you the angel of the boards and the lack of your presence in the world will be felt.

This may sound silly, but I mean it sincerely. If and when you get to the other side, you're welcome to enjoy the companionship of my recently departed cats Sunny, Shadow, and Samantha - at least until it's my time to rejoin them. They were my best friends for 10 years of my life and they all died of the Feline Leukemia virus about a year and a half ago. Scratch them behind the ears and tell them I miss them all very much.

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

I'm about to be a little harsh here, so everyone duck and cover:

Screw this "when you die" crap!

Ryan, you are going to be dancing the cha-cha on MY grave, so help me Jeebus!

Sure, it looks bad on paper. It probably feels even worse. But trust me man, I've seen folks come back from crappier odds than you. And I know people who've died of AIDS, so I'm not being a Pollyanna here.

Right now, you seem very depressed. This is not the state of mind you should be in while pondering your condition. Heck, it's a pretty crappy state to be in PERIOD.

You need to get out of this funk RIGHT NOW. It is not healthy. It will kill you as fast as any rogue germ.

If you do not get sunshiney ASAP, I will be forced to take drastic measures. I've got some pics of Piratecat here that, well, let's not let it come to that.

 

[thalmin]

Ryan, don't you give up, because we aren't giving up on you. We're still here for you.

 

[Angelsboi]

Well screw this. Im tired of being Mary Sunshine.

Im tired of pretending that all will be better when given my medical history and life, its VERY plausible for me to die. Im planning on hanging around but for ONCE in my entire life, im being a realist.

Ive always ben the idealist and those that know me and read my diary know that.

But Myth is right.

I may not have long to live. You guys fight off infections every day. I get them. Every day.

 

[JPL]

Angelsboi, what you've made me remember is that whether any of us have a month left or a hundred years, we still have some stuff to do while we're here.

I hope that, depsite all the emotional and physical pain you must be going through, you can find some peace of mind and a sense of completeness in the time you have left, however long that may be.

 

[Isida Kep'Tukari]

I'd be angry too. And I'd be depressed. I can't say I know how you feel, but just know you're loved, and you have a lot of people thinking of you and caring for you. And if people are a little awkward in expressing it, don't sweat the small stuff. We're a family, and we're for you all the way through.

I hope today is a good day, and if it's not good, then live in the times that are good.

 

[Dextra]

Well screw this. Im tired of being Mary Sunshine.

I keep re-writing my post because I don't want to sound trite or pithy, to no avail. So here goes anyhow.

It can make a person sick and tired, being sick and tired all the time. It's hard work being mindful all the time, particularly when you're sick and tired. Mindful of what you eat, what pills you take, how you wash, how you love, etc.... Tiring.

I don't know you, but you seem to have a whole whack of fans and friends. Many of them can have no idea what you have to live with, but they all cheer for you.

I think of all of the electrons and personal energy invested into each of the supportive posts. Each time someone reads them, signals are sent down cables and through the air. I envision streaks of bright light zipping around the world, full of positive healing energy, all thinking of you. Maybe these streaks of light form a sigil that attracts the attention of angels to your plight. Or a veve to summon a horseman like Chango or maybe Erzuli to ride you and give you strength for awhile. Or perhaps the destroyer crone might stay her hand for awhile and give you some respite from your constant fight.

Whenever you're tired, I hope you can draw some strength or energy from our words and thoughts and prayers.

 

[Buttercup]

Well said, Dextra.

Angel, I do understand how hard it is to stay positive in the face of grave illness.

It isn't wrong to be a realist.

It isn't wrong to be able to see the end, and look it square in the face.

Whether you are sad or happy or angry or joyful or exhausted or energetic, it's ok to be that way.

And whichever one you are, our love and energy are still flying through the ether, wrapping around you, holding you. Even if you can't feel it. The energy and love are there, and will be, all the way to the end. Believe that, if you believe nothing else.

 

[mythusmage]

Now I take the other tack.

Ryan, don't you dare give up. Yeah, you could die, or you could get cured and live into your 90s or beyond. World's got a way of boggling you when you least expect it.

As this rabbi of long ago once put it (though it's been grossly misinterpreted), you can't predict when your time will come, it comes as a thief in the night. And to paraphrase something else he once said, let death take care of death, be you concerned with life.

Besides, do you know how boring it gets waiting to croak? A long, drawn out death isn't horrific, it's tedious. You might as well do something.

So take your meds, write for your blog, and keep yourself occupied. At least as much as your strength will allow. Finally, whenever possible let yourself be surprised by joy.

 

[Ezrael]

I don't know you, Angelsboi (although I do remember talking to you a few times on the message board when Eric Noah still ran his 3e site, I think), nor really anyone on this board. I won't belabor you with personal experiences that won't mean anything to you, and I can't address the significance of your illness or the power of positive thinking any better than others have. So I'll just hope that your health improves, that the medication is found that can control your condition, and that you continue on in life finding those things that move you and engage your mind and heart.

I am deeply sorry that this happened, and I hope that you will be well despite it. I'm an agnostic, but I'll pray anyway, taking my father's advice that a prayer offered freely never hurt anyone.

The very best of luck to you.