Animals, Plants, Vermin, by any other name

[Dozen]

Every once in a while, I wondered how awesome/silly/broken would the Monster Manual's Animals section look if the creature descriptions were scientifically accurate, and included more creatures, while the type descriptions stayed the same. Why?

Well, those of you who are just the tiniest into biology know Mother Nature wrote up some pretty odd mats at times in her big, open-ended sourcebook. Many Animals have Extraordinary abilities Humanoid characters can only dream of getting. On the other hand, thanks to their abysmal will saves, they are easily controlled or influenced by nature-based casters such as Druids, Rangers and Spirit Shamans. Hell, a Commoner could domesticate a breeding pair through Handle Animal. Add Polymorph, and this small bit of realism shatters a campaign like a thin pane of glass.

Some of you might think: 'So, why do we care? There is one part of Third Edition that can't make DMs cry. We should be having a party to celebrate, if anything. Animals are not going to sue us.'
And you are completely right! Animals, and their arbitrarily defined cousins, Vermin and Plants, are just fine as written. They rarely take the spotlight, and the few times they do show up, you can manage with the current rules, or minor homebrew changes.

That said, I'd love to see what hilarity our community can come up with in this regard. I'm not thinking of fully developed creatures - I know most of us don't have the time for that, and those belong to the Homebrew forum anyway. Let's stat out parts that sound funny under the d20 system and have a good laugh out of it^^

 

[Ahnehnois]

I'm not 100% sure what you're getting at.

But let's take a hack. What are realistic AC and speed values for a common housefly? Ridiculous, in D&D terms. They might even deserve a miss chance for how damned hard to catch they are. If you could wild shape into one of those, Natural Spell would be even more powerful.

 

[Dozen]

I'm not 100% sure what you're getting at.

But let's take a hack. What are realistic AC and speed values for a common housefly? Ridiculous, in D&D terms. They might even deserve a miss chance for how damned hard to catch they are. If you could wild shape into one of those, Natural Spell would be even more powerful.

Like so, yes. Here's my try.

The Cat versus Commoner arguments prove our little feline buddies can be intimidating as they are. But it stops here, right? Not yet. They can also heal themselves. Not just by licking their wounds. They purr the pain away. Seriously.
The sound frequencies they emit promote natural healing. It measurably assists the recovery process. In D&D terms, they give a bonus to fortitude saves and dayly hit point regain through a sonic effect. Didn't think they could do that, did you? Imagine as players keep a herd of cats around to spare the Cleric's spell slots. Hilarious.

And being real-life bards is far from the only thing they can do. That odd bit about cats always falling on their feet? Not just a fake story to entertain the kids at home. They automatically succeed on a Tumble check to avoid fall damage when falling from 40 feet or higher. You could drop one off a cliff and the damn thing would walk away without a scratch. Suck it, Monks, my familiar's racial beats your class feature!

It doesn't stop here. Cats, to top it all, have a third eyelid they instinctively close when something threatens their eyes. Such as grass. Or a gaze attack. Geez. Why doesn't every adventurer own a cat by now?

 

[RUMBLETiGER]

I hope I'm following the spirit of this post:

-I want a Druid with a skunk.
For the obvious reasons.

-Assuming everything scaled, a Giant Ant's strength score should be ridiculously higher than it's statted. As should a number of other vermin. According to Size and Weight, a Solder Giant Ant, as a medium creature, should weigh between 60~500lbs. A google search comes up with statements that an ant can carry 10-50x it's own weight, while this picture shows 100x.
100x would be a range of 6000~50,000lbs of weight. If we assumed this as the most heavy load, it would require a Strength score starting at 19 (as a quadruped) and possibly up to 52 (as a quadruped) according to Carrying Capacity rules.

 

[Dozen]

-Assuming everything scaled, a Giant Ant's strength score should be ridiculously higher than it's statted. As should a number of other vermin. According to Size and Weight, a Solder Giant Ant, as a medium creature, should weigh between 60~500lbs.

Well, except in Earth's current atmosphere, an arthropod larger than a halfling would suffocate before sufficient oxigen could reach it's heart. You would need a permanent Control Winds effect pumping air into the poor thing's ass to keep it alive. No, Oerth or Eberron can't have a lot more oxigen than we do. You did science, and science let you down! Though a 300 lbs. carrying capacity with a Small creature's appetite isn't a bad alternative to a donkey...

Also, the above means Monstrous Spiders aren't actually spiders, either. They are monsters grafted together owlbear-style, purposefully resembling spiders to creep arachnophobes out(I blame the drow). No surprise, seeing they are mindless and some species of real spider are smarter than dogs.
To be specific, the kind who can jump. Yes, that's a thing. You may hide under your bedsheet now. They'll come for you anyway.

-I want a Druid with a skunk.
For the obvious reasons.

Beautiful in it's simplicity and viles.

 

[Ahnehnois]

-Assuming everything scaled, a Giant Ant's strength score should be ridiculously higher than it's statted. As should a number of other vermin. According to Size and Weight, a Solder Giant Ant, as a medium creature, should weigh between 60~500lbs. A google search comes up with statements that an ant can carry 10-50x it's own weight, while this picture shows 100x.
100x would be a range of 6000~50,000lbs of weight. If we assumed this as the most heavy load, it would require a Strength score starting at 19 (as a quadruped) and possibly up to 52 (as a quadruped) according to Carrying Capacity rules.

Well, the weight scaling is not for creatures with exoskeletons. A large bug would be extremely strong, but also unable to carry its own weight if you scale everything up properly, because chitinous exoskeletons are heavy. That's why bugs are small.

However, one thing that would be interesting is spider silk. It's ridiculously strong, and if a giant spider making giant webs existed, its silk would be really useful.

 

[Dozen]

Well, the weight scaling is not for creatures with exoskeletons. A large bug would be extremely strong, but also unable to carry its own weight if you scale everything up properly, because chitinous exoskeletons are heavy. That's why bugs are small.

The same goes for any creature, really. A mammal as large as King Kong would die from a fumble.
Applying logic to the magic system(I know, I know, futile effort) Enlarge/Reduce Person and similar spells probably operate in a way to eliminate this problem by holding up part of your new weight. It's the reason they aren't instantaneous by default - while you could transmute a creature through magic and have it stay that way effortlessly, the protection has to be magical, so when it would run out, so does the change in size to protect the spell subject. I doubt the inventor considered a safety net with arthropod respiratory systems in mind, however.

 

[RUMBLETiGER]

I see, so we are eliminating "It's magic" from the figuring for the purpose of this exercise, and transplanting earth animals as is into the D&D world.

Chickens are meaner in real life than in D&D. As are rabbits.

Hm... I wonder if there are any swarms in the world that D&D could use?

I believe the INT system of assigning all animals a 1 or 2 would be imprecise for our world. Perhaps some animals such as dogs, dolphins, apes, etc. would be more intelligent, more tool using/problem solving, than their D&D counterparts.

Animals carry disease more effectively in reality than in D&D. Various forms of animal poop could be mixed into humanoid food to make someone really ill. This also leads me to consider parasites and how they'd be used in D&D.

 

[MarkB]

I hope I'm following the spirit of this post:

-I want a Druid with a skunk.
For the obvious reasons.

-Assuming everything scaled, a Giant Ant's strength score should be ridiculously higher than it's statted. As should a number of other vermin. According to Size and Weight, a Solder Giant Ant, as a medium creature, should weigh between 60~500lbs. A google search comes up with statements that an ant can carry 10-50x it's own weight, while this picture shows 100x.
100x would be a range of 6000~50,000lbs of weight. If we assumed this as the most heavy load, it would require a Strength score starting at 19 (as a quadruped) and possibly up to 52 (as a quadruped) according to Carrying Capacity rules.

Sure, except that if you go by real-world standards the square-cube law kicks the asses of any enlarged critter - muscle strength simply does not increase in line with muscle mass.

Orcas (killer whales) is one example I can think of that could be done interestingly. Recent studies of them hunting as packs in Antarctic waters show them not only using the sort of tactical teamwork you'd expect from such intelligent creatures, but actually weaponising the fluid dynamics of the water they're swimming in.

When going after a seal that's taken shelter on an ice floe, orcas will swim in close synchronisation beneath the floe, and work together to create pressure waves that shatter the ice, whittling away the seal's protection and possibly throwing it into the water. Against a swimming foe, they can use those pressure waves to batter and exhaust it.

Now, imagine statting up D&D orca packs that can band together to create the underwater equivalent of a sonic attack to batter opponents.

 

[Dozen]

Sure, except that if you go by real-world standards the square-cube law kicks the asses of any enlarged critter - muscle strength simply does not increase in line with muscle mass.

Huh. I had no idea it doesn't. It sounds given when you point it out - yet here was I missing the obvious. Thanks!

The more you know...

*orcas are magic*

I wish I announced this thread as a poll or contest. Then I could nominate you as the first day's winner. The picture you painted is simultaneously so badass and patently ridiculous, I can't find the words to worthily describe it.
Forget what I said in the first post, someone work out how to integrate pressure waves immediately. I feel less of a DM by never throwing killer whale shocktroops in naval battles before. Above and beyond what I was looking for.