Are we weasels or nice people?

[eris404]

In looking at the tales of 'booting' a player, I noticed a lot of times that people just up and left or changed the game date or something... spineless.

Are we weasels who are adept at avoiding any type of confrontation, or has having those confrontations simply taught us that yeah, it's better to go that route in order to spare someone's feelings.

For a long time, and to a certain point, I believe that yes, it is weasely. However I've now been in situations where I think... yeah, we're going to have to dump this guy with the soft touch.

Confrontations can be so painful, so I can't really fault anyone for dreading or wanting to avoid them. No one likes to be the bad guy. And let's face it, we've all known people who were not all that balanced either, people whose reactions we had no way of predicting. But having said that, I still wouldn't advocate some of the actions listed in your first paragraph either. Cowardice and respect for others aside, those sorts of passive actions usually only make the situation worse.

 

[HeapThaumaturgist]

Personally, I prefer things be handled as unobtrusively as possible. Over the years I've gotten a distinct impression from alot of gamer-types that their belief in being "up front" involves, to be blunt, being a jerk. I knew one guy at a convention ... he asked me to come over and run half a dozen creatures for a huge combat. I did so and, having nothing else to do, stayed near the table to see how the rest of the session resolved. After a moment he turned to me and said: "Okay, let me be 'up front'. I don't allow people to watch my sessions, it's distracting to everyone at the table. So I'd like you to leave now." I'm sure he thought he was handling things in a reasonable and "up front" manner, but it came across like he thought -I- was rude for being there and I felt mildly embarassed by the whole situation. There were about half a dozen ways that could have been handled, most of them private, but his brand of "up front" was more "calling out in front of half a convention room".

For some reason that situation has always stood out in my mind, even years later, and I've tried since then to do things privately and take people's feelings into account. He could have said something phrased in such a way as to take some of the affront onto himself, or suggested that I might "enjoy" something else more than watching the rest of the game, etc.

I've had a few problem players, and I've since tried to handle the situation without being a horse's posterior about it.

For me, I'll put it this way. Back during my dating days I've had women turn me down two ways: One is up front, usually in a room full of people somehow, at a bar or a club or a party. The other is a gentle brush off at a later date, or even the "fake number" gag. While I was always upset at the fake number or brush-off, I was upset about them ALONE, on my own time. When you get shot down up front in a group of people, you're not only getting shot down, you're getting embarassed in front of a group of people. THAT aspect is often why people don't "handle things well".

--fje

 

[Zappo]

Eh, I deal with these sort of situations on a case-by-case basis. Only the sith deal in absolutes, or something like that.

 

[JoeGKushner]

In terms of a private or public 'meeting', it's still a lot better, in my mind, then, "Yeah, it's too bad that we don't play amymore." type of lying.

I can understand where it comes from as I've seen it happen and heck, helped it, but man, I'd usually rather just get it out of the way and not have to worry about it coming back latter and bitting you in the behind.

 

[billd91]

<snip>After a moment he turned to me and said: "Okay, let me be 'up front'. I don't allow people to watch my sessions, it's distracting to everyone at the table. So I'd like you to leave now." I'm sure he thought he was handling things in a reasonable and "up front" manner, but it came across like he thought -I- was rude for being there and I felt mildly embarassed by the whole situation. There were about half a dozen ways that could have been handled, most of them private, but his brand of "up front" was more "calling out in front of half a convention room".

OK, is there anybody else who feels this is kind of weird behavior? Asking people not to watch the game at a convention? There isn't exactly a reasonable expectation of privacy at a public convention table, especially not after you invite someone over to help.

Now, if he'd asked for a certain amount of space to help minimize distractions, that might be different.

 

[FreeTheSlaves]

I weaselled & then confronted & that was the worst of both. In hindsight I should have just weaselled but at the time it mistakenly thought there would be some sort of virtue by contacting the person to spell out the situation.

Again another vote for "depends on the situation," but in the future I think a non-confrontational confrontation will be my method of choice - actually quite hard to pull off by I'm a a real glutton for punishment.

 

[francisca]

I'm pretty confrontational. No weaseling here.

 

[GuardianLurker]

I'd prefer to be honest about it; not harsh, but no weaseling. As an example I didn't witness with another player - "Hey, I'm really uncomfortable with you accepting calls in the middle of the game. I find it really disruptive, and I've discussed this before. Since things haven't changed, I'd prefer it that you leave the group. We'll miss the character, and it's a shame it's come to this, but it just doesn't work." - instead of the weasel the other player received instead.

When people weasel, I personally always feel my maturity has been a little insulted. OTOH, I'm not going to fuss about it, because obviously the weaseler isn't comfortable with confrontations.

The biggest problem I've seen with weaseling is that it's disruptive; one moves campaign dates around, or venues, or possibly even ends the campaign, where if one was honest about it, none of those actions would be necessary.

 

[MichaelH]

Only the sith deal in absolutes, or something like that.

Which is, of course, an absolute and thus nonsense, or something like that.

 

[barsoomcore]

When I need to make someone go away, I'm not doing it to make THEIR life better, I'm doing it to make MY life better. So if the easiest/best/least complicated method FOR ME is to just say, "Go away," that's what I do. If the easiest/best/least complicated method FOR ME is to say, "Uh, we're not gaming anymore, sorry," then that's what I do.

In neither case am I going to be rude, unless that's what it takes to make my life better. But it almost never is.

I am also EXTREMELY cautious about letting people join ongoing games, so I never have to kick anyone out. I'll run half-a-dozen single-shot games with folks I haven't played with before I'll start them in an ongoing campaign.