Are you a better person?

[devilbat]

Not better, just different.

My dad came from an abusive family. His mother was much more interested in hanging around the bar, and bringing home strange men, then for caring for her children. My father was a care provider for his younger sisters from the age of five and on. He was beaten by his step father regularly, until he came home from the army, and taught that man that hitting women and children would no longer be tolerated. He was very succesful in business and was able to retire at fifty. By no means is he perfect, but if I could turn out to be as caring about his children, wife and family as he is, then I'll be ok.

 

[green slime]

Alive is better than dead.

 

[fusangite]

I can't really know. I haven't had the opportunities to screw up the things my dad screwed-up yet. My feeling is, though, that I would probably screw them up worse than him. So far, we have actually had pretty shockingly similar lives except that he managed to get married and have a kid by the time he was my age.

 

[DarrenGMiller]

One of the things my father has always wanted more than anything else is for me to be "better" than him. He has worked and struggled for that end all of his life. Because of him, I have had better opportunities, have a much better education (he dropped out of school young) and have had more help in making my way than he did.

My father was born into a tight-knit dutch community in New Jersey in 1930. His sense of humor, then and now, pulled him through some very tough times. As I said, he dropped out of school at a young age and can only write upside down (I attribute my poor penmanship to him). As a young adult, he tried to join the Navy, but was turned away because he did not pass the physical. Instead, he was drafted into the Army during the Korean War. He never left the states, instead driving tanks around Killeen, Texas. He was present for several of the early atomic bomb tests in Nevada. His stories of watching sheep disintegrate are horriying. After at least one explosion, he had to walk across "ground zero" recording observations and radiation readings. Yet, when lawyers called him to sue the government along with others of his unit, he refused. He was doing his duty, even if that meant he lost all of his teeth and hair and he and my mom had seven failed pregnancies as a result. I was their eighth and final attempt to have a child.

After the Army, he was a produce manager in a grocery store where a police officer came in to take shelter from the rain on a regular basis. My father used to give the guy an awful time about how easy his job was that he could come inside the store and call his wife to bring his raincoat, etc. The cop bet my dad that he couldn't do his job, so my father trained to become a police officer and worked in law enforcement for 25 years, never leaving his job at the grocery store, even though he was a full-time police officer. That meant that he rarely saw his family, but he provided for us and taught us the value of hard work.

My parents adopted in 1961 and my older brother was first diagnosed as bi-polar in 1979. My father showed him more love than I thought humaly possible. I still think he should have shown more "tough love" than he did, but you see, he blamed himself for my brother's illness. When my brother died in 1998, his last words to my father were, "I hate you, you b****rd!" The next morning, my father found his body on the floor of the guest bedroom of their home, where he was staying until his new apartment was ready. The stuff he put my parents through boggles my mind.

My mother had a minor stroke in 1999. Since then, her behavior become increasingly erratic and even psychotic (she was always a little off balance and it has increased with age). She abuses my father verbally often (though he deserves some payback for his sarcasm... think Frank and Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond and you have my parents pegged). She is now scared to ride in cars and will not leave a five mile radius around their house except on rare occasions (which we celebrate). I moved closer to their home after her stroke (I used to live a few hours away) to help and just provide my dad with some company.

So, am I a better person? Who am I to answer that? I am a teacher and I try to be a good person and good husband. I hope my wife and I are blessed with a child and that I can be a good father. I am my father's son. He has taught me much, even from his mistakes, which are legion, as mine will be if I get to live as long as he has (when he turned 70, my mother had a huge party, whispering to the guests that he wouldn't see 75.. he has).

DM

 

[EricNoah]

My father has a lot of great qualities (some of which I share), and like anyone else his share of flaws (some of which I share). Like many, I find my parents gaining wisdom as I get older.

Among my father's best qualities...
* As a minister, he practices what he preaches. (Literally!) He's the only "religious" person I know who lives his faith day in and day out, without hassling others about it. He offers advice and help when asked but does a remarkable job of staying out of people's business when not invited. He doesn't approach religion from a guilt/righteous anger point of view ("you're not OK") -- he approaches it from a love perspective ("you are OK"), and focuses as much on how it can help you here and now as much as the hereafter. He doesn't demand that people live a certain way; and he isn't a hypocrite, saying one thing but doing another. I am not a religious person, but I do feel that I also live my beliefs, though perhaps not as courageously and steadfastly as he does. In this way, he is a better man than I.
*He is hardworking. When he was pastoring (when I was growing up) he not only had that as his full time job, he also took other jobs to help the family. He followed through on things (when he remembered to -- he's always had a bit of a flaky memory), and he shouldered the responsibility of having a family "like a man" (in my eyes). I have nowhere near the work ethic he does. Unlike him, I have non-work-related hobbies, and I enjoy my time off much more than my time at work. My dad admits that he was sleep deprived during my teenage years, probably to a dangerous degree. I sometimes feel lazy compared to him, but I also think I'm more sensible and balanced in this regard. On the other hand, he had the guts to have kids, and that's not something I want (or think I would do a particularly good job at).

Among his flaws: he backs down from conflict maybe more than he should (he lets my mom henpeck him too much; he doesn't fight if someone's rolling over him); he's never had a good balance between diet and activity (he spent 20 years becoming overweight and has been paying for it over the past five or so as a diabetic); he has few friends (it's hard being a minister -- His congregation loves him but who wants to make friends with the guy who judges whether you're living a moral life, right?); and he can be very self-centered in conversation (he hasn't mastered the art of asking about the other person; he always opens with something about himself, and has a tendency to interrupt). I don't consider these to be serious flaws, but they are things I am trying to avoid -- learning from his example, I guess.

The other "flaw" is that his father died when my dad was extremely young. His father lived on as a "legend" in my dad's mind. Dad never got to see his father make mistakes, show weakness, fail, grow old. Consequently, when each of us kids entered a rebelious teenage phase, he wasn't ready for that. And I don't know that he had a good model of male parenting (whatever that means). It wasn't a fatal flaw by any means, but he did not enjoy our teenage years at all. I think he was deeply hurt that my siblings and I didn't turn out as religious as he was.

I don't want to be him; in a lot of ways I don't want to be all that much like him. He's a good guy, and he's making his way through this world admirably.

Am I a better person? No. Neither is he better than me. Thinking that way is counterproductive. I think of it more like this ... what can I learn from him? What mistakes of his can I avoid? One is that I'm not going to spend 20 years getting myself overweight and then spend the rest of my life trying to slim down and stay healthy. I'm going to stay healthy from the start. But again, that's not really character ... it's just that he never got to see his own dad get old and I don't think it occurred to him that he wasn't going to be young forever.

 

[Turanil]

My father always believed (and still does) that he is better than most (if not all?) people, and is proud to tell so whenever the opportunity arises. And now I myself think I am better than him. The problem is that often I notice that I unconsciously consider myself better than many people, although there are clearly many others I would not dare try to compare myself to. Now about my mother, I owe her the large amounts of money spent in psychotherapy...

Unfortunately, despite I have been a much different father, I wasn't any better than my parents...

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

Sure I'm better than my dad. I mean, you should see his record collection.

Seriously though, I think I could take him in a fight. He may have 25 extra years of life lessons on his side, but I've got 2 years of Tae Kwon Do training and a short fuse. That's all that really matters, right?

 

[Dakkareth]

A better man than my father ... it's quite simply far too early to say. I'm out of school, now entering university, that's all. He's been working as a doctor in the local hospital for over twenty years and spends a huge amount of time working on employee/management issues. He's been a good if often absent father to four children and does much to broaden his horizon and for his spritual development. And that's just the stuff I know about. Maybe in 15 years or so there might be a basis for a comparation, but not at this point.

 

[megamania]

My father was very prejudious and I never liked that. I'm better but I do judge people harshly but by deeds not origin / belief.

Most of the rest we are the same. He spent 100's of hours a month on fishing. He read and built his own lures and rarely even fished. I do the same but with DnD.

Odd question to be asking but causes one to pause and look deep into yourself.

 

[Angel Tarragon]

In response: **** Yeah! My dad is mentally very immature and is ploteer and a deceiver. Hes a recoveric alcoholic and gambler. My mom and I suspect that he doesn't want to stop gambling. When we were in Vegas for my sisters wedding he waited until after my mom had changed into her nightgown to tell her that he was going to go down to the casino to have a smoke. Please. He consistently lies. He told me earlier he was going out for a haircut, when he obviously doen't need one. He is reclused into his own world where only his work matters and family doesn't. He makes the occasional foray outside to do something with me and/or my mom, but it never goes over well. All he seems to care about is getting to retirement, but he doesn't talk about outside the family. He lies to other people by saying that he is going to stay on with the company for at least another ten years after he is eligible for 'The Package'. He thinks he has ranks in Bluff, but he doesn't. Oy.