As a player, do you have a preferred gender for your GM?

[Darwinism]

Fun fact: Chivalry, while being highly touted as a positive trait by some people, is inherently sexist.

What I'm getting at is that chivalry is not a positive trait. Being thoughtful and kind is good, treating people as if they need special treatment because they're inherently inferior is bad.

 

[Elf Witch]

I have to say that talking to the spouse first is not really the right way to handle things. It is treating the wife like she is a child not an adult. It is also putting the spouse right in the middle of it.

As a DM I have had couples in my game. The one wife would never tell me to my face that she had issues she would go through her husband and it caused all kinds of friction. He would wither downplay how upset she was or he would say the wrong thing. I kind of felt ganged up on my both of them.

Here is my issue with it. We are grown ups if you have an issue deal with it with the person who is having the issue.

I admit I am now leery playing with couples. Because a lot of spouses feel obligated to take their spouses side in an issue and if they don't then the spouse can get really pissy over it.

Also some couples can't keep their personal issues out of the game if they are having a fight then it bleeds into the game.

One way to avoid some of the issues is to right from the start is to treat them as individuals. Don't go to the spouse if you are having issue go to the person.


As for females DMs being less lethal it really depends on the DM. I am less lethal but that is because I hate revolving door characters. I want a more heroic style game so I have things in my game that make death less likely to happen.

But I have played with female DMs who run very lethal games.

One of the things that I noticed in threads like this is that some people make things gender related. Females cause more issues, females are less lethal, females like more role playing blah blah blah.

Female gamers run the gamut just like male players some are kick in the door take no names, others like roleplaying, some are prima donnas and some are not. They are just like male payers because I have met my share of male prima donnas, immerse role players and kick in the door hack and slashers.

 

[Water Bob]

I think most gamers, if they were concerned that person X might not enjoy a game, would raise the issue first with person X, whatever the sex of person X, not with person X's spouse.

I didn't know this couple. One of my regular players brought them into the game. I told my regular to let them know the type of game I run before they come, because I know that some people prefer rated G movies.

When they got there, I met them. We spent some time rolling up characters pre-game. Then, I took the husband aside to let him know what he was in for. I didn't want his wife feeling uncomfortable.

He talked to her, we gamed, and everything was fine. We ended up having quite a good, long term campaign. Traveller was the game, of the Classic type.

I guess I just don't care if the rest of you think this is sexist.

If my conduct was sexist, then we certainly need more sexism in the world.

If I had it to do over again, I'd do it the same way. And, if I were in a similar situation, I'd expect that someone to come to me first.

Think it's patronising? Think it's misogynistic. Great. I really don't care. I know I handled it the right way.

 

[Elf Witch]

I didn't know this couple. One of my regular players brought them into the game. I told my regular to let them know the type of game I run before they come, because I know that some people prefer rated G movies.

When they got there, I met them. We spent some time rolling up characters pre-game. Then, I took the husband aside to let him know what he was in for. I didn't want his wife feeling uncomfortable.

He talked to her, we gamed, and everything was fine. We ended up having quite a good, long term campaign. Traveller was the game, of the Classic type.

I guess I just don't care if the rest of you think this is sexist.

If my conduct was sexist, then we certainly need more sexism in the world.

If I had it to do over again, I'd do it the same way. And, if I were in a similar situation, I'd expect that someone to come to me first.

Think it's patronising? Think it's misogynistic. Great. I really don't care. I know I handled it the right way.

I am glad it worked out for you. Put as a woman I would like to point out that if I had been in that game I would have been pissed off that you went to my husband and not me.

I am an adult I can take a DM talking directly to me. I don't need my husband's protection.

That is not being chivalrous this is treating the woman like she is not a full fledge member of the gaming group. Would you also go to her husband if you had an issue with something she was doing in the game or would you go to her?

This is not the same as opening doors or letting a woman enter the elevator before you.

 

[Water Bob]

I am glad it worked out for you. Put as a woman I would like to point out that if I had been in that game I would have been pissed off that you went to my husband and not me.

And, that would tell me a lot about you. At that point, I would firmly, but politely, tell you that you probably wouldn't enjoy my game if you're already upset for somethig as silly as that, and it is probably best for both of us if you didn't play.

You'd go home pissed. I'd go back to my game. And, that would be that.

 

[Elf Witch]

And, that would tell me a lot about you. At that point, I would firmly, but politely, tell you that you probably wouldn't enjoy my game if you're already upset for somethig as silly as that, and it is probably best for both of us if you didn't play.

You'd go home pissed. I'd go back to my game. And, that would be that.

What it would tell me is that you as the DM are not going to treat me like a full fledge member of the group. That you are uncomfortable having a woman playing and that you want to treat me as special or different than everyone else at the table.

I can not understand why you would talk to the husband instead of her after all it is her decision if she wants to play in your style game.

If she was single would you have talked directly to her? if the answer is yes then why would her being married make you treat her differently?

Believe me it would not make me feel that you were being considerate it would make me feel as if you were treating me like a child.

At the table I expect to be treated the same way everyone else is.

 

[Broken Druid]

I didn't know this couple. One of my regular players brought them into the game. I told my regular to let them know the type of game I run before they come, because I know that some people prefer rated G movies.

When they got there, I met them. We spent some time rolling up characters pre-game. Then, I took the husband aside to let him know what he was in for. I didn't want his wife feeling uncomfortable.

He talked to her, we gamed, and everything was fine. We ended up having quite a good, long term campaign. Traveller was the game, of the Classic type.

I guess I just don't care if the rest of you think this is sexist.

If my conduct was sexist, then we certainly need more sexism in the world.

If I had it to do over again, I'd do it the same way. And, if I were in a similar situation, I'd expect that someone to come to me first.

Think it's patronising? Think it's misogynistic. Great. I really don't care. I know I handled it the right way.

While I would not necessarily have called this misogynistic, I would certainly label it chauvinistic. I am all for courtesy, and while you showed courtesy to the husband, you showed a great deal of disrespect for the wife. Why would you exclude the wife in what you believed was such an important discussion? Is the topic one that you would feel uncomfortable broaching with a woman? And who's feelings were you really concerned with? The wife's or the husband's?

I should think, as the DM, your responsibility lay with BOTH the players, and that is who you should have spoken with; both of them. By leaving out the wife, you actually trivialized her, and placed the burden of her comfort level with her husband. Not really fair to either of them. What if he had misjudged?

 

[Broken Druid]

Fun fact: Chivalry, while being highly touted as a positive trait by some people, is inherently sexist.

What I'm getting at is that chivalry is not a positive trait. Being thoughtful and kind is good, treating people as if they need special treatment because they're inherently inferior is bad.

You know what? I must beg to differ with you. Nowadays, chivalry is just one facet of common courtesy. And in my view, people who deliberately disregard good manners by saying they are avoiding sexist behavior are just self-centered, self-indulgent people with no understanding of the importance of courtesy in a society.

What's so wrong about holding a door, or giving up your seat, for an elderly person, or a woman? How about a man juggling two kids and a couple bags of groceries? Nowadays the practicalities of the gesture are often moot. People are much more hale for a much longer time, and women are no longer burdened with 20 pounds of cloth taking up a 3' diameter around her lower limbs. But the courtesy should be respected. I always thank a person who holds a door for me, even if I am not burdened with a dozen shopping bags.

I always loved the Heinlein quote about an armed society being a polite society. But the state of American society is proof that such a sentiment is just not true. If more people practiced common courtesy I believe we would have a much happier society.

 

[ExploderWizard]

I always loved the Heinlein quote about an armed society being a polite society. But the state of American society is proof that such a sentiment is just not true.

The immediacy of the armed aspect has a lot to do with this. Most folks don't go about armed even with the right to do so. If everyone toted an obvious sidearm then things might be different.

If more people practiced common courtesy I believe we would have a much happier society.

Oh I agree completely.

 

[Darwinism]

You know what? I must beg to differ with you. Nowadays, chivalry is just one facet of common courtesy. And in my view, people who deliberately disregard good manners by saying they are avoiding sexist behavior are just self-centered, self-indulgent people with no understanding of the importance of courtesy in a society.

What's so wrong about holding a door, or giving up your seat, for an elderly person, or a woman? How about a man juggling two kids and a couple bags of groceries? Nowadays the practicalities of the gesture are often moot. People are much more hale for a much longer time, and women are no longer burdened with 20 pounds of cloth taking up a 3' diameter around her lower limbs. But the courtesy should be respected. I always thank a person who holds a door for me, even if I am not burdened with a dozen shopping bags.

I always loved the Heinlein quote about an armed society being a polite society. But the state of American society is proof that such a sentiment is just not true. If more people practiced common courtesy I believe we would have a much happier society.

Chivalry is distinct from common courtesy in the way you're expected to treat certain people. That's why distinguishing it from common courtesy is important; they're not nearly the same thing. Ideally, common courtesy means treating everyone well in roughly the same manner, disregarding gender or race or whatever.

Chivalry doesn't mean that.