Mathew_Freeman
Adventurer
Good stuff, Clay!
Like the stuff with the club...
Like the stuff with the club...
As the Two Sisters Watched(into the breech)
- Thread starter alsih2o
- Start date
Stone Angel
First Post
just a bump for the greatest tues. night online game ever!!
alsih2o
First Post
The broad road stood in stark contrast to the surrounding wilds. It spanned 15 feet in width and rose evenly along the cliff face. While the vines, weeds and wildflower of early spring had choked every available spot the cobbled road flowed smoothly, as if carved from one monolithic slab.
A low whistle passed Finns lips and Rinney added “You see a road like that, you’ve got to take it, right?”
The trip up the valley wall felt so much different than the trip down, dropping into the valley they could see the lay of land ahead of them, and details got finer as the approached. Climbing the road out, with the valley falling away below them the sense of unease and wild speculation grew. When they reached the top they stopped in a small clump and stared ahead of themselves for a long moment.
Large birds ran in small flocks along the low hills spread before them, clumps of trees rose in short cylinders here and there defining the fuzzy edge of the savannah. Beyond were the short, broad, blue and purple ridges of the mountains beyond. Two hillcrests the right they saw a great beast emerging- a monstrous hairy rhinoceros. It stood fifteen feet at the shoulder and moved slowly across the turf, pausing to rend mounds of tall grasses from the ground and devouring them.
“By Balcla’s blistered balls” said Thabyra. “It’s enormous”
Rinney was startled at the beast “Um, perchance we should move along, while that thing is still at a safe distance”
“I was just thinking Kolindra could dance to It.” quipped Tavania. She pointed to the mountains “They are closer than I thought.”
Her resolve refocused Thabyra suggested pushing on “We have to find that woman and help her, death by fire is horrible” under her breath she added, “I have seen it.”
Finn jumped “You have seen her too?”
Rinney snorted "My that sounds... odd... Are you certain you haven't eaten something against your palate?"
“I have seen people being burnt alive before, and I have had prophetic dreams before. This was a true dream.” snapped Thaby.
They headed north, moving at an easy pace. It was the hilliest country any had ever seen and they enjoyed the extra cover and sense of security provided by the trees. As Balcla began to sink below the southern sky they made an easy camp, finding sleep to the distant murmuring calls of the giant, awkward birds that roamed the hills.
When morning came they a thick fog hung over the camp. It was nearly impossible to see anything more than 30 feet away and their unfamiliarity with the terrain seemed much more relevant. Tavania and Kolindra each looked to the sky and checked the wind, declaring north to be in approximately the same direction. They waited an extra hour in camp, and when it became evident that the fog was not to break the headed off.
After a short and foggy march they began to make out what appeared to be a low wall in the mist ahead. As they continued to approach it became clear that the wall was moaning a dirge-like tone, then it became apparent that it was not a wall, but a line of short stocky men. Each stood just over 4 feet tall and the line stretched out of sight in either direction into the fog.
A low whistle passed Finns lips and Rinney added “You see a road like that, you’ve got to take it, right?”
The trip up the valley wall felt so much different than the trip down, dropping into the valley they could see the lay of land ahead of them, and details got finer as the approached. Climbing the road out, with the valley falling away below them the sense of unease and wild speculation grew. When they reached the top they stopped in a small clump and stared ahead of themselves for a long moment.
Large birds ran in small flocks along the low hills spread before them, clumps of trees rose in short cylinders here and there defining the fuzzy edge of the savannah. Beyond were the short, broad, blue and purple ridges of the mountains beyond. Two hillcrests the right they saw a great beast emerging- a monstrous hairy rhinoceros. It stood fifteen feet at the shoulder and moved slowly across the turf, pausing to rend mounds of tall grasses from the ground and devouring them.
“By Balcla’s blistered balls” said Thabyra. “It’s enormous”
Rinney was startled at the beast “Um, perchance we should move along, while that thing is still at a safe distance”
“I was just thinking Kolindra could dance to It.” quipped Tavania. She pointed to the mountains “They are closer than I thought.”
Her resolve refocused Thabyra suggested pushing on “We have to find that woman and help her, death by fire is horrible” under her breath she added, “I have seen it.”
Finn jumped “You have seen her too?”
Rinney snorted "My that sounds... odd... Are you certain you haven't eaten something against your palate?"
“I have seen people being burnt alive before, and I have had prophetic dreams before. This was a true dream.” snapped Thaby.
They headed north, moving at an easy pace. It was the hilliest country any had ever seen and they enjoyed the extra cover and sense of security provided by the trees. As Balcla began to sink below the southern sky they made an easy camp, finding sleep to the distant murmuring calls of the giant, awkward birds that roamed the hills.
When morning came they a thick fog hung over the camp. It was nearly impossible to see anything more than 30 feet away and their unfamiliarity with the terrain seemed much more relevant. Tavania and Kolindra each looked to the sky and checked the wind, declaring north to be in approximately the same direction. They waited an extra hour in camp, and when it became evident that the fog was not to break the headed off.
After a short and foggy march they began to make out what appeared to be a low wall in the mist ahead. As they continued to approach it became clear that the wall was moaning a dirge-like tone, then it became apparent that it was not a wall, but a line of short stocky men. Each stood just over 4 feet tall and the line stretched out of sight in either direction into the fog.
alsih2o
First Post
(DM note: in this session not everyone was present. In our group if someone does not show up their character is played by another player. The group was still new to one another at this point and the “face of the party had generally been Rinney, played by Prothall here on the boards. Without their frontman parts of this are a bit goofy, but I am including the text roughly as it was played, because it humors me so much)
Kolindra squinted into the fog. “It’s..a group of, things.” Was the best she could manage.
Rinney and Thabyra had heard of the Stone Children far to the east, and wondered of the rumors of the great distance to their home had been exaggerated.
From the midst of the wall one figure stepped forward. As he moved he emitted a low sound, a groaning, like a ship at sea. He had a short beard and long, brown chestnut hair that hung free. The short mans muscled tawny arms lofted a hammer over his head and he spoke firmly, with the authority of a judge.
“Who comes to the land of my hills? Who comes to this barrier? Who braves the fog of the Dragon?”
Thabyra nearly let a rude exclamation cross her lips.
Kolindra looked around her, stepped forward slightly and said “ The what?”
Thabyra whispered to the group “Would one of you more charming folks go talk with him?”
Tavania muttered, “This does not sound good”
Domme was slightly thrown by this response. For nearly a whole generation now these men had come across the valley and through his home. Since his fathers passing in the fall (when most Children of the Wood die) it had become his responsibility to meet with any group who passed under treaty. He had hoped his first meeting would go better than this. He decided it might be best to repeat the last part, with clarification.
“The Dragon fog Wanderer, it surrounds you and swallows you whole.”
Kolindra responded, “Right. Alright.”
Domme waited patiently for them to announce their names and list their fathers. The silence grew increasingly awkward. His fellow Children began to shift and the noise became a gentle murmur, like treetops straining under sheer of a high wind.
Kolindra turned back to the group “What do you want me to say to them?”
Finn took a step forward and said “I don’t know”
This caused a great bit of murmuring amongst the gathered Children. Domme shot a harsh glance about him, letting all his people know how he felt about the break of order. He began to grow concerned. “You, you don’t know who you are?”
Kolindra felt the need to back Fins move “Me either, and who we are? I know who I am, who are you?”
Dommes mouth fell open. He had always noticed that these new humans were terribly suited for any type of ceremony, but now he began to wonder if these were even children of Maissen. Perhaps a new group of humans had come to the lands?
Tavania stepped forward quickly and added, “We are explorers, seeking new and wondrous things!”
Domme saw opportunity. If these were new men perhaps he could arrange a treaty and secure his name to his people. “Whom do you serve?” he asked
At this point most of the party started talking at once.
“Serve? I don’t serve anybody!” barked Kolindra “Well, except my elders, who aren’t here..”
“Well that’s easy” shrugged Thabyra, “I serve Balcla, the eternal fiery messenger in the sky”
Tavania broke into a tone usually reserved for children, or those who speak a foreign tongue “We come from beyond the great plain and the sunken forest of giant bee's"
Domme was hesitant, “"Balcla is known here, he serves the Sisters, who watch our forest. And you serve Maissen? Is it not the season of the tall mans pilgrims?” He was so confused at this point he feared losing control of the situation.
Kolindra started naming her elders, “Mymethra, and Sullius, and Coor and Ferher, and Sodaen….”
Finn whispered loudly to the group, “I think they create this fog to keep people out of their land"
Domme finally lowered his hammer, pleased to hear Kolindra reciting her elders like a civilized being.
Tavania was still trying for elusive. “We serve ourselves.. but we come from the region of Maissen." She said, revealing her depth loyalty.
When Kolindra finished another man stepped forward from the line and held a scroll in front of him and began to read names. He read names for nearly 20 minutes, seemingly being as interested as possible in each, never lapsing into monotone. He finished by bowing as he reached “Domme Bran, King of the Children of the Wood, first protectors of the mountain.”
Domme asked “"We have had the same treaty with the tall peoples of Maissen for 178 years, most of a generation, do you honor this treaty and swear to pass in our lands lightly?"
“What does the treaty entail?” asked Kolindra
“What are the particulars?” asked Thabyra
Domme regained his tone at this point "mutual nonagression, mutual aid, fair game and free passage"
Thabyra felt much more comfortable “sure, we can do that…um, when was the last time any of our kind came through this way?” she asked, wondering about the other from Maissen.
"The last of your kind passed here 7 years ago, and passed well"
“Can we hunt, and what does fair game mean?” wondered Thabyra
"Hunt what you need, not more." said Domme sternly, “And as for fair game, in all games between peoples appropriate and civilized rules will be followed.”
“And I warn you” he added, “all our seers have visions of a doom.”
“Does it involve fire?” asked Thaby
Domme stopped cold, stared hard at Thabyra and continued “The plane of fire is seeping its fingers into this land, be cautious. Are you a seer tall woman? Do you come to quench its flame?”
Thabyra shared “Well, I don't want to see anyone burnt alive. That's what I've been dreaming of.”
Domme began to take confidence in Thabyra “The eldest amongst us have seen the woman, and say she is the bride of Hilltopple."
“Hilltopple?” Thaby inquired
Domme explained “Braodus Hilltopple, the landowner, he and his have been gone form here for nearly a whole generation. Broadus was a friend to my tribe, and a good man."
Kolindra squinted into the fog. “It’s..a group of, things.” Was the best she could manage.
Rinney and Thabyra had heard of the Stone Children far to the east, and wondered of the rumors of the great distance to their home had been exaggerated.
From the midst of the wall one figure stepped forward. As he moved he emitted a low sound, a groaning, like a ship at sea. He had a short beard and long, brown chestnut hair that hung free. The short mans muscled tawny arms lofted a hammer over his head and he spoke firmly, with the authority of a judge.
“Who comes to the land of my hills? Who comes to this barrier? Who braves the fog of the Dragon?”
Thabyra nearly let a rude exclamation cross her lips.
Kolindra looked around her, stepped forward slightly and said “ The what?”
Thabyra whispered to the group “Would one of you more charming folks go talk with him?”
Tavania muttered, “This does not sound good”
Domme was slightly thrown by this response. For nearly a whole generation now these men had come across the valley and through his home. Since his fathers passing in the fall (when most Children of the Wood die) it had become his responsibility to meet with any group who passed under treaty. He had hoped his first meeting would go better than this. He decided it might be best to repeat the last part, with clarification.
“The Dragon fog Wanderer, it surrounds you and swallows you whole.”
Kolindra responded, “Right. Alright.”
Domme waited patiently for them to announce their names and list their fathers. The silence grew increasingly awkward. His fellow Children began to shift and the noise became a gentle murmur, like treetops straining under sheer of a high wind.
Kolindra turned back to the group “What do you want me to say to them?”
Finn took a step forward and said “I don’t know”
This caused a great bit of murmuring amongst the gathered Children. Domme shot a harsh glance about him, letting all his people know how he felt about the break of order. He began to grow concerned. “You, you don’t know who you are?”
Kolindra felt the need to back Fins move “Me either, and who we are? I know who I am, who are you?”
Dommes mouth fell open. He had always noticed that these new humans were terribly suited for any type of ceremony, but now he began to wonder if these were even children of Maissen. Perhaps a new group of humans had come to the lands?
Tavania stepped forward quickly and added, “We are explorers, seeking new and wondrous things!”
Domme saw opportunity. If these were new men perhaps he could arrange a treaty and secure his name to his people. “Whom do you serve?” he asked
At this point most of the party started talking at once.
“Serve? I don’t serve anybody!” barked Kolindra “Well, except my elders, who aren’t here..”
“Well that’s easy” shrugged Thabyra, “I serve Balcla, the eternal fiery messenger in the sky”
Tavania broke into a tone usually reserved for children, or those who speak a foreign tongue “We come from beyond the great plain and the sunken forest of giant bee's"
Domme was hesitant, “"Balcla is known here, he serves the Sisters, who watch our forest. And you serve Maissen? Is it not the season of the tall mans pilgrims?” He was so confused at this point he feared losing control of the situation.
Kolindra started naming her elders, “Mymethra, and Sullius, and Coor and Ferher, and Sodaen….”
Finn whispered loudly to the group, “I think they create this fog to keep people out of their land"
Domme finally lowered his hammer, pleased to hear Kolindra reciting her elders like a civilized being.
Tavania was still trying for elusive. “We serve ourselves.. but we come from the region of Maissen." She said, revealing her depth loyalty.
When Kolindra finished another man stepped forward from the line and held a scroll in front of him and began to read names. He read names for nearly 20 minutes, seemingly being as interested as possible in each, never lapsing into monotone. He finished by bowing as he reached “Domme Bran, King of the Children of the Wood, first protectors of the mountain.”
Domme asked “"We have had the same treaty with the tall peoples of Maissen for 178 years, most of a generation, do you honor this treaty and swear to pass in our lands lightly?"
“What does the treaty entail?” asked Kolindra
“What are the particulars?” asked Thabyra
Domme regained his tone at this point "mutual nonagression, mutual aid, fair game and free passage"
Thabyra felt much more comfortable “sure, we can do that…um, when was the last time any of our kind came through this way?” she asked, wondering about the other from Maissen.
"The last of your kind passed here 7 years ago, and passed well"
“Can we hunt, and what does fair game mean?” wondered Thabyra
"Hunt what you need, not more." said Domme sternly, “And as for fair game, in all games between peoples appropriate and civilized rules will be followed.”
“And I warn you” he added, “all our seers have visions of a doom.”
“Does it involve fire?” asked Thaby
Domme stopped cold, stared hard at Thabyra and continued “The plane of fire is seeping its fingers into this land, be cautious. Are you a seer tall woman? Do you come to quench its flame?”
Thabyra shared “Well, I don't want to see anyone burnt alive. That's what I've been dreaming of.”
Domme began to take confidence in Thabyra “The eldest amongst us have seen the woman, and say she is the bride of Hilltopple."
“Hilltopple?” Thaby inquired
Domme explained “Braodus Hilltopple, the landowner, he and his have been gone form here for nearly a whole generation. Broadus was a friend to my tribe, and a good man."
Maldur
First Post
Re: Re: As the Two Sisters Watched(who is hilltopple?)
First: Ill defend the gnomish potter, whenever I want to! Nobody touches the gnome!!!
Second: Please find another place for these posts. You seem to know what your talking about, But It: A) distracts from the original story hour and B) I really dont like deconstructions of writing (pet peeve, nothing personal)
But it seems very usefull! If I ever really start writing, Ill ask you for advice
seasong said:Hi all
...
So this critique is targetting ways to improve his writing, regardless of whether or not it's necessary to the enjoyment of a story hour. If you feel the need to defend him while reading a critique, please do me a favor and don't read the critique.
Final comment: This is a good way to start a story hour. In the thick of the action, something exciting is going on, and it's emotionally intense enough that you can give a miniature portrait of each character's personality without losing time to a Cast List or something similarly lame like I always seem to do.
First: Ill defend the gnomish potter, whenever I want to! Nobody touches the gnome!!!
Second: Please find another place for these posts. You seem to know what your talking about, But It: A) distracts from the original story hour and B) I really dont like deconstructions of writing (pet peeve, nothing personal)
But it seems very usefull! If I ever really start writing, Ill ask you for advice
seasong
First Post
Re: Re: Re: As the Two Sisters Watched(who is hilltopple?)
.
. Although...
Alsih2o, if you want to save a copy for yourself and let me know, I can edit out the critique and leave a positive "great storyhour" message?
Fair enoughMaldur said:
.
Hey, I was just following alsih2o's request
. Although...Alsih2o, if you want to save a copy for yourself and let me know, I can edit out the critique and leave a positive "great storyhour" message?