Barbegazi Write-up

[ghearus]

I have written up a creature and I am interested in feedback on it, on the layout of the associated PDF, and anything else for it.

BARBEGAZI
Barbegazi are a race of small gnome-like creatures that live near mountain peaks and work to preserve the natural state of the environment. Generally friendly toward other humanoids, they are shy, and fiercely protective of nature and natural environments.

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Barbegazi appear as child-sized wizened humans, although they have the feet of a fully grown adult. They typically wear furs that help them hide easily in the winter, and are not affected by natural cold.

BARBEGAZI PEAKWALKER TACTICS
A barbegazi peakwalker will usually attempt to flee, while groups will work together to keep dangerous foes prone and subject to additional attacks.

BARBEGAZI SNOWCALLER TACTICS
A barbegazi snowcaller and its barbegazi allies will usually burrow until they are in position to use Avalanche Song, and then they will work together to eliminate foes, one at a time.

BARBEGAZI LORE
A character knows the following information about Barbegazi with a successful Arcana check.
DC 15: Barbegazi inhabit tunnel and burrows they have carved in arctic tundra and mountain peaks. They hibernate during the summer, and can move quickly over and through snow and ice. They are usually friendly and only attack if provoked.
DC 20: Barbegazi Snowcallers are the heads of Barbegazi clans that have the ability to cause small avalanches.

ENCOUNTER GROUPS
Barbegazi are usually encountered in small groups near mountain peaks or underground in cold areas.
Level 4 Encounter (XP 850)

• 1 Berbegazi Snowcaller (level 5 elite lurker)
• 3 Berbegazi Peakwalkers (level 3 lurker)

 

[Mengu]

Layout looks fantastic. You could change the first phrase of the monster description "Barbegazi are a race of small gnome‐like creatures" to an upper case font to make it feel more like MM. You have an oops on the attribute block of the peakwalker, where it juts out a bit to the right. Also monster/race names are usually not capitalized.

Sweep - "its" is a bit ambiguous. You should probably say:
... and the target grants combat advantage until the end of the barbegazi's next turn.

Dig Deep - I'd change the order of things a bit to roll the snow condition into the trigger, change "round" to "turn", and change "they" to "it".

Dig Deep (immediate reaction when damaged while standing on snow; encounter)
The barbegazi immediately burrows one square down, filling in the snow above them. It can return to the surface at the beginning of its next turn as a free action.

Toppling blow - there isn't too much of a reason to make this a secondary attack. In monster design I always try to eliminate anything that may slow down the resolution of an attack. I'd change it so when a barbegazi has combat advantage and hits his target, he knowcks the target prone.

Also it's confusing that Toppling blow does something different for the peakwalker and snowcaller. I'd make the abilities the same. Then add a new ability to the snow caller so he deals an additional 2d6 damage to targets he has combat advantage against. This will essentially yield the same result, but will be faster to resolve.

Avalanche Song should say (standard; encounter; recharges when first bloodied)

I'd also add an aura to the snowcaller, so enemies starting their turn adjacent to the snowcaller take 2 points of cold damage. Since he doesn't have an at-will way to attack twice a round, the aura will make up for that.

And to bolster his lurker status, I'd add one more ability that says his Dig Deep ability recharges and he immediately uses it when bloodied. Otherwise he might not feel like an elite lurker, but more like an elite skirmisher.