Kahuna Burger
First Post
We refer to ourselves collectively (him, me, meatball and pets) as The Jones-Smith Household, but retained our prior names and still use them individually.Witz said:
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Best way to subtlely remind the inlaws of my name?
- Thread starter Kahuna Burger
- Start date
Treebore
First Post
To solve our in-law issues we moved over 1,000 miles away from most of them.
You could write a "family letter" that you send to everyone. In it explain that there is obvious confusion among the family as to how the two of you decided to handle the "last name issue" and then tell them the how and why of it.
As long as you don't mention feeling hurt/insulted/whatever, but state that you just want to clear up any confusion, etc... no one should feel negative about it.
It could only be a problem because the family simply doesn't remember. My brother has been with his wife for almost 10 years now. I couldn't tell you what her family name is to save my life. Same goes for my fathers wife, and they have been married nearly 17 years.
Part of it is that I don't interact with my family much. Maybe once every 3 years. Other than that we talk on the phone.
If I actually lived near them, and interacted with them on a regular basis, I would likely know and remember these things.
So your situation may simply be, "Crud!! I knew their "married name" 6 months ago, but since I haven't even thought about it these last 6 months, I can't remember it!"
Rather than any real desire to be rude. So they just use the name they remember and hope your not offended, rather than spend 5 to 10 minutes rediscovering your "proper" name. If they can even do so without embarassing themselves by admitting to someone else they have forgotten.
You could write a "family letter" that you send to everyone. In it explain that there is obvious confusion among the family as to how the two of you decided to handle the "last name issue" and then tell them the how and why of it.
As long as you don't mention feeling hurt/insulted/whatever, but state that you just want to clear up any confusion, etc... no one should feel negative about it.
It could only be a problem because the family simply doesn't remember. My brother has been with his wife for almost 10 years now. I couldn't tell you what her family name is to save my life. Same goes for my fathers wife, and they have been married nearly 17 years.
Part of it is that I don't interact with my family much. Maybe once every 3 years. Other than that we talk on the phone.
If I actually lived near them, and interacted with them on a regular basis, I would likely know and remember these things.
So your situation may simply be, "Crud!! I knew their "married name" 6 months ago, but since I haven't even thought about it these last 6 months, I can't remember it!"
Rather than any real desire to be rude. So they just use the name they remember and hope your not offended, rather than spend 5 to 10 minutes rediscovering your "proper" name. If they can even do so without embarassing themselves by admitting to someone else they have forgotten.
Merkuri
Explorer
Kahuna Burger said:Funny you should say....This thread was triggered by a very nice christmas present we got from one of his aunts. An attractive slate sign and stand to put beside out walk welcoming everyone to "The Clashmores".... :\ It's quite nice and a style I like, but I have no idea what to do with it.
If they have a sense of humor you can try approaching the family member who gave you the sign and say that the name was spelled wrong and if they could tell you where they got it so you could exchange it. If they ask how it's spelled wrong, say, "Well, it says 'The Clashmores' but it should say 'The Clashmore-Burgers.'"
Obviously I don't know your aunt-in-law, so I don't know how well this would go over. At the very least you can make it sound like you think the sign maker got it wrong, not the aunt, which may be a more discreet way to correct her.
LightPhoenix
First Post
So, I'm going to assume this is bugging you a fair deal, as you posted about it. If it isn't, then I would probably give it a pass.
I would let your husband handle it, since it is his family. That's not to say it's entirely his responsibility, but he's known them his whole life and probably knows the best way to handle it. Also, they might respond more to him than to you, even though it sounds like they've warmly accepted you into the family. Finally, he can probably get away with being a little more blunt/rude than you, if it comes down to that.
I have two friends who, like you, got married but kept their names (one is an actress). I eventually had to ask what I should call them, since I never knew and it always seemed like it was changing. Perhaps they're a little shy and embarassed about asking, as they might feel like they should know.
I would let your husband handle it, since it is his family. That's not to say it's entirely his responsibility, but he's known them his whole life and probably knows the best way to handle it. Also, they might respond more to him than to you, even though it sounds like they've warmly accepted you into the family. Finally, he can probably get away with being a little more blunt/rude than you, if it comes down to that.
I have two friends who, like you, got married but kept their names (one is an actress). I eventually had to ask what I should call them, since I never knew and it always seemed like it was changing. Perhaps they're a little shy and embarassed about asking, as they might feel like they should know.
Thornir Alekeg
Albatross!
My brother had a daughter before he was married, then he and the mother got married, and they had a son. His son has mine and my brother's last name, but his wife kept her last name and used that for their daughter.
It drives my mother crazy. She keeps asking me if I think they will ever legally change their names. She hates when I ask her, "Why should they change it?"
It drives my mother crazy. She keeps asking me if I think they will ever legally change their names. She hates when I ask her, "Why should they change it?"
Thunderfoot
Hero
KB,
You haven't said how long this has been going on...
If you are recently a couple (though from your past posts I find this unlikely) then it may simply be a matter of time, but I think it may be the family trying to tell you in a subtle way that they aren't comfortable with the name situation.
Please hear me out, and I am not saying they/you are right (I find often in these cases there really isn't a right or wrong, strictly a their opinion/my opinion), but try to think about this from their angle.
In some families, names are a big deal, some cannot wait for their sons to grow up, marry find a bride and pass on the FAMILY name. It is old fashioned, but I too find myself wanting the same thing. Honestly, if a young woman married my son and then didn't want to take his name, I would feel hurt and somewhat confused as to why his name wasn't good enough for her. Again, I don't think your position is wrong, and obviously you and your sweetie pea discussed this at some length. But often times, what you feel is right may not extend to other family members.
There are several reasons for disgruntled spouse disapproval, race, religion, political views; you know hot button issues (all reasons why they are frowned upon here at ENworld) but tradition, history and the like can also be just as important to some people. Many people have stated that your husband should talk to his family and I agree, but instead of only informing them of your choice, he might want to find out if there is a reason behind their apparent lack of respect for that choice. It may simply be a matter of them feeling hurt by the decision and left out in some way - meaning that they feel they are the ones who are hurt.
Hopefully I made myself clear and don't come off being either condescending or dismissive, that is most certainly NOT my intent, but just trying to get you to see that maybe there might be a reason (valid or otherwise) that they believe in their stance as much as you believe in yours.
Hopefully this helps, if not, then please, by all means disregard.
Thunderfoot
You haven't said how long this has been going on...
If you are recently a couple (though from your past posts I find this unlikely) then it may simply be a matter of time, but I think it may be the family trying to tell you in a subtle way that they aren't comfortable with the name situation.
Please hear me out, and I am not saying they/you are right (I find often in these cases there really isn't a right or wrong, strictly a their opinion/my opinion), but try to think about this from their angle.
In some families, names are a big deal, some cannot wait for their sons to grow up, marry find a bride and pass on the FAMILY name. It is old fashioned, but I too find myself wanting the same thing. Honestly, if a young woman married my son and then didn't want to take his name, I would feel hurt and somewhat confused as to why his name wasn't good enough for her. Again, I don't think your position is wrong, and obviously you and your sweetie pea discussed this at some length. But often times, what you feel is right may not extend to other family members.
There are several reasons for disgruntled spouse disapproval, race, religion, political views; you know hot button issues (all reasons why they are frowned upon here at ENworld) but tradition, history and the like can also be just as important to some people. Many people have stated that your husband should talk to his family and I agree, but instead of only informing them of your choice, he might want to find out if there is a reason behind their apparent lack of respect for that choice. It may simply be a matter of them feeling hurt by the decision and left out in some way - meaning that they feel they are the ones who are hurt.
Hopefully I made myself clear and don't come off being either condescending or dismissive, that is most certainly NOT my intent, but just trying to get you to see that maybe there might be a reason (valid or otherwise) that they believe in their stance as much as you believe in yours.
Hopefully this helps, if not, then please, by all means disregard.
Thunderfoot
Merkuri
Explorer
Man, the whole naming thing gets complicated nowadays. I've been living with someone (Awayfarer) for two years now, and we have actually talked about what our names will be after we get married but haven't made a decision.
I actually have no idea what I want at the moment. [SIZE=-2](Disclaimer: The following are my own feelings about my own life. I'm not trying to comment on anyone else's name choice, just my own.)[/SIZE] I don't have a problem with his name, but something seems wrong to me about giving up my own last name in an era where it's not unusual for the woman to be the breadwinner in a household. It just strikes me as old-fashioned. At the same time, I respect the tradition we've had for generations of the woman taking the man's last name, and it would be so much simpler to just go with that (as Kahuna Burger's situation shows).
So keeping my own name feels like I'm discarding centuries of tradition and insulting his family, but taking his name feels like I'm giving in to peer pressure and not being the modern woman I want to be. Yet doing something in between, like hyphenating our names, just seems silly (again, this is my opinion about my own name, not a broad statement about how other people do things).
I envy my mother because this decision was basically made for her.
I actually have no idea what I want at the moment. [SIZE=-2](Disclaimer: The following are my own feelings about my own life. I'm not trying to comment on anyone else's name choice, just my own.)[/SIZE] I don't have a problem with his name, but something seems wrong to me about giving up my own last name in an era where it's not unusual for the woman to be the breadwinner in a household. It just strikes me as old-fashioned. At the same time, I respect the tradition we've had for generations of the woman taking the man's last name, and it would be so much simpler to just go with that (as Kahuna Burger's situation shows).
So keeping my own name feels like I'm discarding centuries of tradition and insulting his family, but taking his name feels like I'm giving in to peer pressure and not being the modern woman I want to be. Yet doing something in between, like hyphenating our names, just seems silly (again, this is my opinion about my own name, not a broad statement about how other people do things).
I envy my mother because this decision was basically made for her.
Kahuna Burger
First Post
Some names hyphenate well, and others don't.Merkuri said:
I've known a couple of couples who mutually merged their names and I had no idea until they mentioned it that the results weren't only slightly long "normal" surnames. But my choice was easier, because I'm not a big traditionalist in most ways. I could see good reasons for a family to all have the same surname, but the only reason for it to be the husband's original one was not compelling to me. So basicly I was willing to change my name if my spouse did.
I wouldn't overstate the problems, just to clarify. Occasional awkwardness that I could have avoided by sending out formal wedding announcements like my sister suggested at the time is a fair trade and then some (to me) compared to getting all new ID, credit cards, checks, clarifying to potential new publishers why I'm submitting clips with a different name on them, being harder to track down by old friends, etc.
You're familiar with the video of the house with the Christmas lights that blink in tune with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Wizards in Winter? (If not, see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmgf60CI_ks )
Do the same, but light the house up with "Hyphenated Name Estates."
Its a subtle reminder I guarantee they'll never forget: any slipups will be due to alcohol, Alzheimers, or pure rudeness.
Do the same, but light the house up with "Hyphenated Name Estates."
Its a subtle reminder I guarantee they'll never forget: any slipups will be due to alcohol, Alzheimers, or pure rudeness.
Last edited:
awayfarer
First Post
I don't know how easy or practical this is, but how about wearing a custom football (or other sports) jersey with your name on the back? Of course, you'll actually have to be seen with it.
Hi hon.
In years past I've thought about what I'd do in the opposite situation. Aside from looking dynamite in a dress and heels, I would feel insulted at the thought of changing my name.
It's not even like my last name has much history behind it. Geneology on dad's side of the family hasn't turned anything up past his father. I love my folks and I'm happy and proud that they're my parents. I don't like the thought of diminishing my ties to my family and I don't see why anyone should "have" to.
Merkuri said:
Hi hon.
In years past I've thought about what I'd do in the opposite situation. Aside from looking dynamite in a dress and heels, I would feel insulted at the thought of changing my name.
It's not even like my last name has much history behind it. Geneology on dad's side of the family hasn't turned anything up past his father. I love my folks and I'm happy and proud that they're my parents. I don't like the thought of diminishing my ties to my family and I don't see why anyone should "have" to.
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