Best way to subtlely remind the inlaws of my name?

[xrpsuzi]

But my choice was easier, because I'm not a big traditionalist in most ways. I could see good reasons for a family to all have the same surname, but the only reason for it to be the husband's original one was not compelling to me. So basicly I was willing to change my name if my spouse did.

This was Joe and my original plan as well--to hyphenate and create a new last name we would both use. While it was super easy for me to change my name (just a line on the application of marriage), it was more of an ordeal for Joe, so we ended up keeping our respective last names. I joked with my friends that I'm a feminist out of laziness

However, keeping our last names didn't happen until after we printed our announcements, so we got a lot of cards and gifts with our hyphenated names. It's been almost 7 years and I still get cards/gifts addressed to Suzi Browning or Suzi Yee-Browning all the time, even from my folks (who know very well that I never changed my name).

If it's family and friends, I typically don't correct them. I know that by doing that, they are just trying to acknowledge Joe and our marriage when addressing me and I grant them that indulgence b/c it isn't malicious or oppressive (like another poster mentioned about his aunt), more like a nod to Joe's contribution to my life.

But I will correct service acquaintances, and business contacts because it's important that they know and use my legal name. I also correct people if they make the mistake the first time they meet me. When we moved to a small town, it took people a long time to understand that we were married, but we have different last names. It took a few curious (or nosy ) people to ask me directly (whispers and under breath of course), and they spread the word to the rest of the community.

That said, I would use the family information chain. Talk to a family member on his side that gets it right and say something like "Does Aunt X know that we hyphenated our last names? b/c it's been 7 years and she still uses the wrong last name...." I know that half the stuff I say to my sister-in-law usually gets filter to my in laws and I get most of my family news by talking to my mom and sister.

Also keep in mind that it may be a harder pill to swallow for the guy's family than for yours--you're bucking tradition and while it may have been ok between you and your husband, it's still their name you are rejecting (by virtue of not taking his family name and your husband changing his name to include yours)

Obviously, I don't see the choice as an inherant rejection (I adore my inlaws), but that doesn't mean that they might not see it that way.

Good luck and hope you find a satisfying resolution

 

[Aurora]

My brother had a daughter before he was married, then he and the mother got married, and they had a son. His son has mine and my brother's last name, but his wife kept her last name and used that for their daughter.

It drives my mother crazy. She keeps asking me if I think they will ever legally change their names. She hates when I ask her, "Why should they change it?"

See, if I was the mother I would change the daughter's name. He is her father and they are married. I think it is too hard for siblings to have different last names if it is not needed. And in this case they have the same parents! I would want them to have the same last name. Just me I guess.

 

[dogoftheunderworld]

This is really a very interesting topic.

I will say, for me, it can be very confusing. At our Cub Scout Pack, I would say the majority of the children have different last names than the parent/guardian that brings them. A lot of this can be attributed to different family models (a lot of single parent families, blended families, extended families, partnerships, etc.) I know a few that are "traditional" familiy models where the mother kept her family name and the children have last names matching either father, mother, or hyphenated. It is very difficult to keep track of "who belongs to who". For everything from fundraising, permission slips, and general record-keeping.
(Although, at the small group level, the leaders know who is who.)

The only thing I really dread will be in a generation or two when people with hyphenated names get married... "Mr. & Mrs. Smith-Jones-Banker-Josephson"

 

[Morrus]

We refer to ourselves collectively (him, me, meatball and pets) as The Jones-Smith Household, but retained our prior names and still use them individually.

I'm kinda confused. So your names are actually one thing; you refer to yourself as something else; and your relatives refer to you by a third option.

I'm not surprised they're confused! I'd be reduced to "Hey, you!" at that point!

 

[Kahuna Burger]

I'm kinda confused. So your names are actually one thing; you refer to yourself as something else; and your relatives refer to you by a third option.

I'm not surprised they're confused! I'd be reduced to "Hey, you!" at that point!

I'm confused at your confusion. I have my name. My husband has his name. The meatball has a hyphenated name. None of us refer to ourselves individually by any other names. However, there are times when we refer to the group of ourselves collectively. In those cases, we use the two last names together. IE, "KahunaCon will be held at the Kahuna-Clashmore residence in sunny Attleboro," or "You've reached the Kahuna/Clashmore household" on the answering machine. We did this before we were married when we were living together, and it's pretty standard in my experience when people of different last names live together, regardless of martial relationship.

 

[Merkuri]

The only thing I really dread will be in a generation or two when people with hyphenated names get married... "Mr. & Mrs. Smith-Jones-Banker-Josephson"

Yeah, that's kinda why I don't want to hyphenate my name when I get married. Not only would it be a mouthful, but then what happens when a child of mine gets married?

Thinking about this, I've been wondering if Away and I could keep our own names and do something like give our female children my last name and male children Away's last name. But then if we have one boy and one girl they'll have different last names... Gak! Too complicated!

Awayfarer, when we get married let's just drop both of our last names and just stick with the first names. Like Cher!

 

[Kahuna Burger]

The only thing I really dread will be in a generation or two when people with hyphenated names get married... "Mr. & Mrs. Smith-Jones-Banker-Josephson"

I have a little more faith in my child's adaptability. Especially if he is marrying someone who also grew up with the encouragement to question naming conventions. He would have many reasonable options, and the confidence that his parents would be OK with whatever he chose.

 

[xrpsuzi]

Thinking about this, I've been wondering if Away and I could keep our own names and do something like give our female children my last name and male children Away's last name. But then if we have one boy and one girl they'll have different last names... Gak! Too complicated!

In some cultures, keeping both names (to mark the linage I think) is used, either as a hyphenation or making the maiden name an extra middle name. I also remember reading somewhere that some cultures do give their daugthers (or maybe just the youngest??) the mother's maiden name.

I don't think my parents would have minded to I had changed my last name to Joe's, but I think they like the fact that I kept "their" name. I'm pleased with keeping my last name b/c it does destinguish the individual that is apart of the whole and I didn't have to fuss with all the paperwork that comes with changing your name after we got married. Plus Suzi Browning is entirely too wholesome and makes me sound like I belong on a box of brownie mix.

 

[PolletteIrieska]

I'm kinda in the same boat as you, Kahuna. I didn't change my last name at marriage because I'm very proud of my family name and while it hurts my very traditional husband's feelings a bit that I never changed it, he understands my reasons and agreed that it was the right choice for us.
We did make the choice to give our daughter his last name, though, mainly because he's hispanic and we feel that giving her his last name will open a lot of doors for her in the college years.
The problem of different last names has come up with us, and subtlety, while very polite, doesn't work. After three years of marriage, we had to sit down with his family and explain to them calmly and firmly that I intend to keep my surname in perpetuity and it was wrong of them to disregard our feelings by insisting on ignoring a decision that we both made.
Surprisingly, it was the matriarch of his family, his 80+ year old grandmother, that came around first. What made the difference, I believe, was that pointing out that the decision was discussed and mutual. Try taking an open and firm approach with your family, send them thank you cards with the correction, send out a christmas letter or a update letter on the meatball on their birthday and make sure you sign it from the household. You may alienate a few of them, but fences mend with time and care, and you obviously care very much about their feelings. You shouldn't be afraid to stand up and ask them to care about yours, as well.

 

[frankthedm]

...I think it may be the family trying to tell you in a subtle way that they aren't comfortable with the name situation.

Please hear me out, and I am not saying they/you are right (I find often in these cases there really isn't a right or wrong, strictly a their opinion/my opinion), but try to think about this from their angle.

In some families, names are a big deal, some cannot wait for their sons to grow up, marry find a bride and pass on the FAMILY name. It is old fashioned, but I too find myself wanting the same thing. Honestly, if a young woman married my son and then didn't want to take his name, I would feel hurt and somewhat confused as to why his name wasn't good enough for her. Again, I don't think your position is wrong, and obviously you and your sweetie pea discussed this at some length. But often times, what you feel is right may not extend to other family members.

There are several reasons for disgruntled spouse disapproval, race, religion, political views; you know hot button issues (all reasons why they are frowned upon here at ENworld) but tradition, history and the like can also be just as important to some people. Many people have stated that your husband should talk to his family and I agree, but instead of only informing them of your choice, he might want to find out if there is a reason behind their apparent lack of respect for that choice. It may simply be a matter of them feeling hurt by the decision and left out in some way - meaning that they feel they are the ones who are hurt.

Yep