Can any author here compete with this brilliance?

[Umbran]

Ah, another 'Eye of Argon' afficionado? My fiancee and I have decided that the main character, Grgnr, must have sold all his vowels in exchange for his mighty thews.

I presume you know the game associated with it?

For those not familiar...

The Eye of Argon may well be the worst piece of prose ever written. It has all the character of the Colbert piece above, with none of the grasp of grammar, vocabulary, or spelling.

The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers.
"Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.
"Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death, wretch!" returned Grignr.

The game I mention is a competition - who can read the longest passage of text as it is written (including typos, repeated words, references to a "many fauceted scarlet emerald", etc) without making an error or laughing.

 

[Viking Bastard]

Grignr?

Best name ever.

 

[Desdichado]

I would buy and read that book without irony

Me too. Sounds like a lot of the "serious" writers of space opera in the forties, fifties and sixties, only racier. It'd be good for a laugh.

The Argon stuff, on the other hand, truly dreadful. The Colbert stuff is pretty vibrant and hopping, in a silly way, but the Argon passage is unreadable.

 

[barsoomcore]

"The Stone Thing" by Michael Moorcock.

Just using the above phrase in a thread along with "Uranian Megasex" just makes me feel dirty.

It's supposed to. "The Stone Thing" is one of Moorcock's greatest moments. A truly brilliant short story/joke that proves that however seriously Moorcock's heroes might take themselves, the writer is less impressed.

Comedy gold.

 

[Warrior Poet]

The Eye of Argon may well be the worst piece of prose ever written. It has all the character of the Colbert piece above, with none of the grasp of grammar, vocabulary, or spelling.

For your further reading pleasure, I'd like to suggest the "Death Dealer" series penned by James Silke, who got licensed to write a series of four books—Prisoner of the Horned Helmet (hello!), Lords of Destruction, Tooth and Claw, and Plague of Knives—about the famed character from one of Frank Frazetta's iconic (and, really, they're all iconic) paintings, i.e. The Death Dealer.

Sword-and-Sorcery, in the vein of Howard and Burroughs, written in the early '90s, I believe. Gath of Baal is the titular (ahem) figure, wielder of an axe, and bearer of a cursed helmet that makes him even more savage and brutal than his normally savage and brutal self (now with twice the savagery!). There's lots of epic fights with teeming hordes and gigantic beasts, lots of beautiful women and seductive sorceresses, lots of rogues and knaves and bastards, lots of untamed wilderness, lots of blood and gore and sex and strange magical potions and spells and summonings and worship of profane deities. It's great.

And the writing reads like, well, kinda like the above. Not as . . . characteristic . . . as the The Eye of Argon, perhaps. I always say it's bad writing, but great fun.

Happy reading!

Warrior Poet

P.S. Also check out Edward Bulwer-Lytton for more atrocious fiction.

 

[Warrior Poet]

What is a "fleeting stead of death," anyway?

Warrior Poet

 

[Desdichado]

I always say it's bad writing, but great fun.

Is it that bad? I don't remember. I know I read the first one back in '89 or '90 at the latest--I was still in high school when I read it and I graduated in '90--and I don't remember thinking it was terrible. Then again, that was still when I could read truckloads of bad books and not flinch. I doubt I'd be able to read them today, even if they're not that bad.

 

[sniffles]

I presume you know the game associated with it?

For those not familiar...

The Eye of Argon may well be the worst piece of prose ever written. It has all the character of the Colbert piece above, with none of the grasp of grammar, vocabulary, or spelling.



The game I mention is a competition - who can read the longest passage of text as it is written (including typos, repeated words, references to a "many fauceted scarlet emerald", etc) without making an error or laughing.

I've never been brave enough to compete, but I have enjoyed being an audience member. I've also enjoyed having my fiancee read it aloud to me in the car - while I was driving. It's a wonder I didn't have an accident!

I also enjoy David Langford's e-zine Ansible - the 'Thog's Master Class' column is full of great examples of bad sentence structure, often from writers who should have known better. "He scoured the room with his eyes" - ouch!

 

[Warrior Poet]

Is it that bad? I don't remember. I know I read the first one back in '89 or '90 at the latest--I was still in high school when I read it and I graduated in '90--and I don't remember thinking it was terrible. Then again, that was still when I could read truckloads of bad books and not flinch. I doubt I'd be able to read them today, even if they're not that bad.

I'll try to remember to find some choice quotes. Actually, they're not cringe-inducing (I don't think, but I have a fair cringe-tolerance), and I was certainly hooked into them. Sword-and-Sorcery fiction based on Frazetta's art? I'm there! Who wouldn't be hoooked?! But mostly they're just a lot of fun when you want something to read that really requires no serious processing or intense analysis. The guy solves his problems with an axe called elephant-killer, then sleeps with zaftig sorceresses! It's great!

But it's not going to win Nobel for Literature.

Warrior Poet

 

[Desdichado]

"He scoured the room with his eyes" - ouch!

What's wrong with that sentence? I kinda like it--it's colorful, and it uses a nice economy of words to convey a lot.

Of course, it's all about context too--too many sentences like that start to seem really artificial and forced, but every so often; I could go for that.