Noskov
Explorer
Okay, to start off, I just want to say that I agree with the judges in their decision and back it 100%. Below I have some answers and retorts to the opinions.
Not that I disagree, but the point was that Lonnie's sacrifice was what allowed him to be saved. In keeping with the theme of what Lonnie had to do, I had him serve the same penance. I also wanted the correlation to the rocks pic to be strong.
I was formatting as I typed the story.
I guess it's nice to hear I have a 'style'. I am an extremely poor and inexperienced writer. It's good to know I'm not quite as bad at is as I think I am. I have no idea what terse means.
I wanted so much more depth for this part of the story. I just don't know what else to say for this.
I'm really glad the sympathy for the narrator came through. I wanted him to be despised for being the degenerate he was, but I also wanted it to be somewhat ambiguous if he were truly 'evil'. I wanted to bring up the question of was it really his fault because of his childhood, or did it even matter because of how brutal, selfish and uncaring he was.
I actually left these parts blank until I finished the story, trying to figure out what best to put there. By the time I got done, I had to post it, so I just put the easiest and first things that came to mind....Probably a mistake, but I felt that I needed metaphores at this point in the story to convey the emotion of the situation.
I wanted to...so very very badly. Problem was, I knew exactly how much time I had to complete this story and I knew if I went further, I wouldn't finish. I had to leave some things out.
This is very interesting because I originally was intending for the storm to be important. I wrote this story, for the most part, from the beginning on and made it up as I went. I had no idea of what I wanted it to be when I started it....It actually started as an effort to come up with a use for the surfing pic (more on that later) and go from there.
As the story evolved, I woud come back and make changes as I thought necessary, based on how much time I had. I still considered the storm important, because that is altimately what kills the narrator.
Cramming for time at the end of the story. The fact that English is not a strong suit for me didn't help either. Tense is a major problem for me too, I struggle with it constantly.
Assuming you are not just being nice to me, I'm very happy that you liked the story. I thought it was overall mediocre at best. I liked the story and pic usage, but not how I related the story and ideas to the reader....If that makes any sense.
The bane of my Ceramic DM experience. The pic of the surfer was a complete block for me. It just so happened that I saw that very picture on the internet a day or two before it was posted in Ceramic DM. The picture itself is a real picture, but the shape is a dolphin. For whatever reason, I could not bring myself to call it a shark.
I did, however, leave the dolphin/shark thing in there on purpose. I knew it seemed pointless at the time, but I thought it was interesting when you came to the end and realized the guy is drowned in the water because he thought he saw a shark in the water and it scared him off his board. Kind of weak, but I thought slightly ironic.
One of, in my opinion, the story's biggest weaknesses. I had wondered to myself as to his lack of questioning and what not and my basic answer was that he didn't care. This guy was already a victim in his mind and nothing else mattered. That being said....If I had the time, the relationship and dialoge between these two would have been much different.
I wanted to get into the other murders more and his reasons and the emotions and feelings all of it brought to him, but didn't have time.
The narrator's style is hands on brutality. It was never expressed, but I tried to imply it. If I had gone further into this scene, I think I would have done a better job of that.
His father stole them away from their mother. They were already hiding out and away from other people. They never interacted with anyone except for the father, who's only contact was hookers and junkies. No one really knew about them and the few that did, didn't care. Again, I tried to imply that, but certainly could have done a better job of it.
Agreed. In my rush to get the entry done the thesaurus had been closed at this point.
I still thought it was important because it was the reason he fell into the water in the first place.
I will kind of skip this one because I think I've more or less addressed all of these comments. I thank you for your enthusiasm for my pic use. The one thing I really thought was good about the story was the pic use.
Thank you everyone for your comments and (very unexpected) praise. I'm truly sorry I couldn't put forth a better effort. When I was put in as an alternate, I never expected to actually play, so I didn't put any time aside in case it did come up. Excuses aside, it was fun and I thank everyone for the experience.
alsih2o said:Barsoomcore-
Noskov "The Penitent Man"
Okay, a "bad guy gets his comeuppance" story. I'm a sucker for these and this one's not too bad at all. A couple of general comments first:
These stories are short -- get to the point quickly. It takes too long to get to "he's a bad guy".
The penitence doesn't feel bad enough to justify the story I just read. Sure, chipping stone balls is tedious, but as penance for a serial killer?
Not that I disagree, but the point was that Lonnie's sacrifice was what allowed him to be saved. In keeping with the theme of what Lonnie had to do, I had him serve the same penance. I also wanted the correlation to the rocks pic to be strong.
alsih2o said:Okay, now let's get our hands dirty.
There's a lot of typos in this story. Please check your work before you submit it:
"I swam out and caught a mammoth and rode it" -- he caught a mammoth? Wow, is this Surfin' Pellucidar?
"I looked out to the see"
"I should head in after then next wave"
Those are all in one paragraph. You don't do yourself any favours with errors like these.
I was formatting as I typed the story.
alsih2o said:Your style is simple, which is good, and reasonably terse, which is also good. Like many Ceramic entries, your beginning is flabby and your ending slightly underdone. It takes a long time to get to the revelation that our hero is a murderer, and then there's a long period of discussion on his childhood that finally leads into Lonnie's death.
I guess it's nice to hear I have a 'style'. I am an extremely poor and inexperienced writer. It's good to know I'm not quite as bad at is as I think I am. I have no idea what terse means.
alsih2o said:THAT scene is very well done, however, and that's where this story really takes off.
I wanted so much more depth for this part of the story. I just don't know what else to say for this.
alsih2o said:We have some sympathy for the narrator and his situation, but of course his actions are horrible.
I'm really glad the sympathy for the narrator came through. I wanted him to be despised for being the degenerate he was, but I also wanted it to be somewhat ambiguous if he were truly 'evil'. I wanted to bring up the question of was it really his fault because of his childhood, or did it even matter because of how brutal, selfish and uncaring he was.
alsih2o said:You do need to watch out for cliched phrasing: "Like a mad bull," "like fire over a dry hayfield." Use metaphors sparingly and make each one count. Otherwise, just choose the correct word.
I actually left these parts blank until I finished the story, trying to figure out what best to put there. By the time I got done, I had to post it, so I just put the easiest and first things that came to mind....Probably a mistake, but I felt that I needed metaphores at this point in the story to convey the emotion of the situation.
alsih2o said:I think you could have given us more on our narrator's reaction to the deaths of his brother and his father. A clear reaction here would provide us with insight into why he kept killing. Did he enjoy the experience? Why? What part of it did he enjoy?
I wanted to...so very very badly. Problem was, I knew exactly how much time I had to complete this story and I knew if I went further, I wouldn't finish. I had to leave some things out.
alsih2o said:Plot issue: The storm seems very important in the early stages of the story, but it then just disappears. If it's important, it should be important. If it's not, why include it in the first place?
This is very interesting because I originally was intending for the storm to be important. I wrote this story, for the most part, from the beginning on and made it up as I went. I had no idea of what I wanted it to be when I started it....It actually started as an effort to come up with a use for the surfing pic (more on that later) and go from there.
As the story evolved, I woud come back and make changes as I thought necessary, based on how much time I had. I still considered the storm important, because that is altimately what kills the narrator.
alsih2o said:"Around my wrists are shackles and I?m not sitting in the chair that Lonnie was in when I arrived." -- Why is this suddenly in present tense? And if he's not sitting in the chair, where is he? This is very confusing.
"the piles of spheres he carved eating voraciously" -- He carved spheres that ate voraciously?
Cramming for time at the end of the story. The fact that English is not a strong suit for me didn't help either. Tense is a major problem for me too, I struggle with it constantly.
alsih2o said:In the end, this story satisfies. This is a strong Ceramic DM entry, for all its errors and typos. The pictures are used very well, without any throwaways, although getting from the first reference to the second is a bit of a slog. You need to get away from hackneyed phraseology, you need to be more rigorous in your usage and copyediting, and you need to be more ruthless in your cutting. Don't go easy on yourself. You've got a knack for storytelling. Develop it.
Thanks for this story.
Assuming you are not just being nice to me, I'm very happy that you liked the story. I thought it was overall mediocre at best. I liked the story and pic usage, but not how I related the story and ideas to the reader....If that makes any sense.
alsih2o said:Mythago-
THE PENITENT MAN (Noskov)
A good story thread, a good beginning, a great ending, and a somewhat
muddled middle.
I loved the abrupt transition from a surfer story to something with
higher stakes (though I wondered, if the narrator drowned, why the whole
dolphin/shark thing mattered).
The bane of my Ceramic DM experience. The pic of the surfer was a complete block for me. It just so happened that I saw that very picture on the internet a day or two before it was posted in Ceramic DM. The picture itself is a real picture, but the shape is a dolphin. For whatever reason, I could not bring myself to call it a shark.
I did, however, leave the dolphin/shark thing in there on purpose. I knew it seemed pointless at the time, but I thought it was interesting when you came to the end and realized the guy is drowned in the water because he thought he saw a shark in the water and it scared him off his board. Kind of weak, but I thought slightly ironic.
alsih2o said:The problem was that it sort of lost its
way trying to get to the end. The whole discussion with the old man was
hand-waved--why is the guy asking him things he already knows about? Why
isn't the narrator asking questions back, like "Who the hell are you and
how do you know about those murders?"
One of, in my opinion, the story's biggest weaknesses. I had wondered to myself as to his lack of questioning and what not and my basic answer was that he didn't care. This guy was already a victim in his mind and nothing else mattered. That being said....If I had the time, the relationship and dialoge between these two would have been much different.
alsih2o said:While we get that the narrator is more than a few pixels short of a
screenshot, after the seminal killings of his brother and father, we
have no idea about the other eleven. People who looked like his dad?
People who got him mad? He follows a stranger down into a cave because
letting him drop to his death is "not my style," but we have no idea
what the narrator's style is. (It's also a little implausible that he'd
never have been so much as questioned in the deaths of his father and
brother, unless he's been a fugitive, but the story implies he's just
never been caught rather than actively evading a manhunt.)
I wanted to get into the other murders more and his reasons and the emotions and feelings all of it brought to him, but didn't have time.
The narrator's style is hands on brutality. It was never expressed, but I tried to imply it. If I had gone further into this scene, I think I would have done a better job of that.
His father stole them away from their mother. They were already hiding out and away from other people. They never interacted with anyone except for the father, who's only contact was hookers and junkies. No one really knew about them and the few that did, didn't care. Again, I tried to imply that, but certainly could have done a better job of it.
alsih2o said:The word "penance" could be used less at the end--the repetition takes
out some of the punch.
Agreed. In my rush to get the entry done the thesaurus had been closed at this point.
alsih2o said:Excellent use of the rock picture. I was disappointed by the shark; it
seemed important but then we find out the narrator drowned; his death
had nothing to do with the shark at all.
I still thought it was important because it was the reason he fell into the water in the first place.
alsih2o said:Noskov- Wow.
The pic use on the round stones is some of the best pic use I have seen. There are several jarring moments in this story “Now he had my attention.” Is the first and I wondered if the wait was worth it. Then everything got darker.
I like the darker. There are a few clumsy moments- you have made a great show of getting me to sympathize with the killer except his motivation to keep following into the woods and down the hole. Something needs to add to his reasoning for me to not be distracted there.
The Lonnie pic was really good, the shark pic was alright and the pit pic was the weakest.
But wow did that rock pic work well.
Judgement- This one is a very tough call for me.. Really strong round- I usually have my decisions ready when I receive the other judges emails, but this one took me a long while. I think Noskovs highs are higher, but I have to side with the consistently good writing of Rodrigo
Decision- 3-0 for Rodrigo, thanks to you both
I will kind of skip this one because I think I've more or less addressed all of these comments. I thank you for your enthusiasm for my pic use. The one thing I really thought was good about the story was the pic use.
Thank you everyone for your comments and (very unexpected) praise. I'm truly sorry I couldn't put forth a better effort. When I was put in as an alternate, I never expected to actually play, so I didn't put any time aside in case it did come up. Excuses aside, it was fun and I thank everyone for the experience.
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