OK, sorry this is later than I had originally planned. I had a dive class that I had forgotten about. Rodrigo Tadk will be coming up in a few minutes.
Round Two - Match One
carpedavid vs. BSF
Orchid Blossom-
carpedavid – Three, Two, One, Go
This story is long, but I didn’t find it long to read. You seem to think like a novelist even in short story form, and in this story at least it’s working. I’m thinking particularly of the scene with Mei and Shoji where they go to get ice cream. Nothing really happens in the scene that’s integral (he could have been summoned to the ancestors in many other ways), and yet the story would be less without it. It introduces the fact that Mei has a car, that she’s into the gangster culture, and fleshes out the relationship between Mei, Shoji, and Ichiro. We know the characters better, so their actions later are more believable.
I enjoyed the 50’s vibe in the story, and I bought into it pretty easily. The mention of Tokyo III early on lets us know this is far enough in the future that there must have been a Tokyo II at some point, and human beings have a tendency to try to recreate the past. Since Japan is known to take on at least the outer forms of other cultures, a future where Tokyo looks like America of the early 50’s is oddly plausible.
It would have worked better for me had there been a few more clues about the culture before we started running into the language. The first use of the word spaz threw me out of the story for a moment. It wasn’t until the poodle skirt on Mei that I really saw what you were doing, so until then I was distracted in trying to find my setting.
This is a strong story, but the end came too easily for me. It is very catlike for the new Boss to just give in, but it makes everything that came before seem unnecessary. It kind of goes… tension, tension, tension… oh, that was easy! Let’s party! It makes the ending unsatisfying.
Picture use:
None of the picture uses in this story wowed me. The “hair” picture was alright. While it didn’t illustrate important action, I can see where a publisher might chose to picture these two punks with their hair in order to help solidify the setting. After that the cat and dog picture illustrates why they need to be physically careful of this robotic cat that’s taken over. The skeleton and the heads fit where they are placed, although the heads work a bit better for me in illustrating the technology of keeping the brains of the ancestors. The weakest one for me is the woman in the mirror. It appears in the only scene where we change narrators, and the scene is mostly superfluous. Most of what we learned we already knew from the ancestors.
BSF – Vodou Justice
In a polar opposite, this story is very short and it moves fast. I’d like to see it move a little slower. I never really got into the narrator and so had a hard time getting involved in the story.
The big reveal of the story is the revelation that the narrator is a cat, but the moment where it was revealed confused me. I actually stopped reading and started looking back for whatever hint I had missed. The reader starts with a supposition that the narrator is human, and that assumption is reinforced in order to preserve the surprise. For me, at least, that caused the story to stop in its tracks. We know from the beginning of the story that this is a magical world, so just a mention of talking or thinking animals in this world would have preserved the surprise but not caused me to come to a screeching halt.
The story also suffers from what some of the other detective stories in this CDM has, skipping the conflict and discovery of facts in order to get through the story. Obviously the three hour limit almost always causes corner-cutting, but it causes the story to read like a draft, all bones, little flesh.
There are so many fun concepts here, the idea of the sentient animals on its own would be interesting. I’d enjoy reading another story set here with the world fleshed out further. It feels like it was be a rather dark place.
Picture use:
The picture use here is pretty solid. The skeletal assassin sends Mr. Heath on his mission of revenge, and the dog and cat picture appears at the big reveal. The woman in the mirror illustrates the curse. The other two are weaker. I love the idea of the face shop, but the picture didn’t really illustrate that idea well, and the picture of our crazy hair guys could probably have been replaced with any picture of a man in a crowd.
For a more filled out and robust story, I’m judging this one in favor of carpedavid.
Herremann-
Once again, the court was arranged for the much anticipated match-up
between
carpedavid and BSF. This time, my two court imps delivered two
offerings,
one a weathered scroll of fine parchment and the other, a miniature 66'
Impala, replete with holographic display and flame-marks down the side.
How
novel. I carefully balanced the car on the altar to stop it rolling off
before continuing.
"Jury, it would seem that a strange temporal arrangement has taken
place.
Even though this is the first judgment of the round, it would appear
that
the second judgment and its results have already taken place. As such,"
I
pointed to two imps who promptly faded, "future events have already
taken
effect and as such I apologise for the reduced jury number as well as
to any
deity offended with me mucking about with the space time continuum,
thank
you."
"Anyway, we are given two interesting stories here by two highly
competent
authors. carpedavid has unleashed a space opera of surprises while BSF
has
gone the well-worn PI route but in "pussy" mode to interesting effect."
"Meaty in both scope and detail, carpedavid has sent us both in to the
future and the past mixing terraforming Martian technology with
characters
and action reminiscent of the Fonz and Danny Zuko, with a splash of the
Terminator thrown in. When bombarded with such a pastiche of different
elements, my first reaction was to smile as my mind was blown away. The
dialogue and repartee between the characters was superb. While you make
this
look so easy, this is a really difficult thing to do, particularly to
stay
in the pocket for the piece's lengthy duration. The plot was lean and
conclusion simple but this perfectly fit the lightness of the
submission as
a whole. To try and make things more than superficially dramatic would
have
weighed the piece down, confusing the reader. As such an entertaining
story
told by someone with fantastic control. Wow!"
"BSF has tried to go a darker path, with a neat plot and a few good "ah
hah"
moments. I love the way in which you incorporate the stranger elements
of
the piece with the more mundane - although the cat as detective was a
little
weird on the first reading. Your submission while somewhat brief was
complete and achieved what I believe you wanted it to. Perhaps the only
area
that let you down a little was characterisation. Peter Heath PI is a
pretty
forgettable character with nothing really to make him stand out except
for
the fact that he's a cat. There is a balance here between the "shock"
value
of Peter being a cat and a handful of insights that could have been
garnered
and explored because of this. I think in the end this hurt the
conclusion. A
stronger character (even of the feline variety) would have made me care
just
a little more and cheer a little harder. Still a fine and enjoyable
story."
"Please imps of the jury [all thirty-one of them], I wish you to
announce
your starting positions for this match."
The imps jumped around, spitting pithy sayings at one another with
differing
levels of excitement. After several extended periods of disagreement,
they
fell in line giving carpedavid the start, eighteen imps to BSF's
thirteen. A
nod to the Gnopf and the error-free projection of a strangely coifed
Asian
man glowed brightly upon the back of my garage.
"carpedavid fantastically introduces us to Ichiro and Shoji with this
image.
Ichiro's personality is well developed from that strange haircut,
quickly
pinning him as a mix of the Fonz and Danny Zuko. I'm not too sure if
these
were the character's that inspired carpedavid but this was the
immediate
reaction for me. To then take the Asian influence and spin it into
Tokyo III
on Mars was such a stretch, it was actually completely and utterly
believable. I think this is where a powerhouse of skill is required to
pull
this off; something I believe carpedavid does."
"BSF has used this image quite well as the photographer Michael
Ibaraki.
This would eventuate in his murder at the scene, the pivotal point of
the
submission so on the whole, good use indeed of a rather weird image.
Good
imps, I need your collective thought and opinion on the matter so if
please..."
The imps jumped around once more this way and that with a slight
advantage
given to carpedavid once more, nineteen imps to twelve. I nodded
twisting
'Lady Death' in a complex series of arcs to register the result and
address
the Gnopf's attention for the next image: a gun toting skeleton.
"This image was well incorporated by carpedavid as the newly "revived"
Takashi. While it was a weird use, it was well led up to by the meeting
between Shoji and the even stranger ancestors. Between robotic cats and
even
peculiar things, I suppose the titanium skeleton of a former boss
engineered
back to existence was par for the course - and delightfully so."
"BSF has used the entire scope of the image as the necromantic assassin
upon
a truck about to lay waste to a square full of people. I thought this
connected well with the story and firmly pushed the story forward as
the
integral moment of the piece. As such, very strong use."
Once again I implored the imps for movement and with a definite shift
in
momentum, BSF found several new supporters including a trio of imps,
kitted
in Elvis uniforms. It is quite bizarre sometimes to see how the imps
vote
and what the hell motivates them. Carpedavid's lead had now slipped to
two
imps, seventeen imps to BSF's fourteen. I tapped 'Lady Death' a little
harder than necessary and once more, a fresh image was conveyed: three
Asian
style masks or faces.
"carpedavid now introduces us to the Ancestors of the Green Dragon clan
in
fantastic fashion. The robotic heads are used to good effect, pushing
Shoji
towards his mission to reclaim the former glory of the clan, disposing
of
Oda and re-instating Takashi. As I mentioned before, the plot was a
little
thin but even still, the picture use was well done."
"BSF strains to incorporate this one as the warlock's face shop. To be
honest, I thought this element of the story only served to confuse. It
was
however a difficult image to incorporate so in a series of five images
I was
prepared to let this one slide. Imps, the evidence is before you, how
do you
vote?"
The imps were actually a little more settled at this stage of the
judging
process and so there was only the movement of a single imp back to
carpedavid's side. The lead was now eighteen imps to thirteen. This was
going to be a close one going right down to the wire. The next image
was of
a cat giving a thunderous kick to a dog.
"For carpedavid, we are introduced to the fickle kitty Oda. Displeased
with
the obviously poor service the image represents the result of this
displeasure. While this was a stretch, the nature of the story as a
whole
gave more than enough room for this use. For BSF though, this image
reveals
the true identity of the PI, something which I feel could have been
explored
further because as shock value, it is most likely more jarring than
revealing. In the end, I felt it added little to the piece except to
momentarily confuse. This is a shame because with more development, I
think
this could have thrust the story dramatically into the "superb"
category.
Still, the use of a very difficult image in such a way shows a certain
degree of chutzpah so well done on this count."
The imps were once again implored to move and once again, there was
only the
slightest shift in movement, one imp to BSF and then one imp back.
carpedavid once again found himself with eighteen imps to BSF's
thirteen.
The Gnopf walked up to me, said something and then returned to the
projector. Apparently he was having difficulty with the final image. I
shrugged my shoulders and the final image was presented upside down and
reversed in colour. The face already reflected poorly in the mirror,
was now
even more hideous.
"And so we have the final image to form some element of judgment upon.
For
me, this was BSF's strongest use while carpedavid has once again ably
incorporated it into his tale. As the age-extended leader of the Triad,
this
was capably used to the point of seamlessness. While not super strong
or
plot dominating, it was enough to continue the strange tale. BSF starts
with
this image, which to me is exceedingly good style. There is no better
way to
start a story in Ceramic DM in my opinion than rushing out the starting
gate
with one of the images. Not only that, but it more than capably got the
whole story moving forward, bending the reader down the path of Dame
Roberts
as victim, rather than villain. The twist to be unfurled later on is
very
capably set up here."
"Imps, it is now at this point that you must cast your final judgment
for
the match. May you act with solid pace and purpose."
The imps were now more confused than ever. I could almost see them
battle
with the best image use for the match, and the overall standing of
possibly
disposing of carpedavid in the winner's seat. Every time, an imp moved,
another made a counter-move so as to keep the balance. I smashed a
lightning
bolt into the tree above warning them to hurry up and so with a few
last
series of movement, the final score went to... carpedavid, sixteen imps
to
BSF's fifteen - a closer tally than expected.
While carpedavid had the style quotient firmly rapped up, I thought
there
was greater potential in BSF's story that was not quite realised.
Congratulations to both competitors in bending these images into two
very
enjoyable stories.
CarpeDavid- Another great story. You really use the first picture to set the mood and tone for the story, subtly dropping hints about the setting. My only complaint was the robot cat and dog and cat boss. I felt that these were too sudden and weren’t hinted at. I was immersed in an interesting setting and enjoying the story and was jarred out of it by something completely unexpected. Sometimes this is good, but here it kept pulling me back out of your story. I think a small little comment about robotic (and real) talking cats and dogs might have helped soften that blow.
I really enjoyed reading it. Picture use overall was very strong, my only complaint is the cat & dog picture. Aside from that, a really strong story.
BSF-
I was a bit disappointed by this story. Mechanically things were right, but it lacked that spark that makes a story sizzle. It seemed like you didn’t really follow the “show don’t tell “, or at least didn’t follow it enough. I think this might be a result of the first person PI-type story.
The style of narration really almost defaults to “telling”. I also thought your use of the cat & dog picture was jarring. Unless I’m really dense (not ruling that out), I had no reason to believe that your narrator was not a human until that picture came up—well, the sentence before it hinted at it. While you created a world laced with magic, this was still a shocking revelation, especially to have my mind’s image of the narrator change in such a drastic way. Perhaps you were aiming for some shock here, but I don’t really see the purpose of it and it really took me out of the story. I think this would be a pretty easy fix though. Dropping a few subtle hints throughout the story leading up to that scene might have done it. Alternatively, telling the audience upfront that the narrator is a PI cat would work well too. I remember Berandor used this technique to great effect in a past CDM—unfortunately I was his opponent.
The story also seems a bit thin in some places. My guess is that this is due to your lack of time you mentioned, so I won’t hammer on it too hard. I think you have a shell of an excellent story here, it just needs some more development.
My decision for this round goes to Carpe David. Carpe David wins 3-0
!!!
