yangnome
First Post
Round Two - Match Four
Orchid Blossom
Rodrigo Istalindir – Untitled
The opening paragraph of this story pulled me right in. The tone carried right through the first scene, promising us something light and witty. It was a little disconcerting when that’s not what followed.
This is one of those random life occurrence stories. The problem with random occurrence stories is that they tend to lack a soul. Why do we tell stories? The answer for me is to explore something about the condition of living. Although this story ended with a comment on the universal nature of motherhood, nothing in the story prepared us for the revelation. The narrator never voiced doubts about that or commented on the nature of the demons that had entered the world. He worked with a zombie with no reaction, so we get the impression that he’s accepted these things as normal.
There wasn’t much for conflict here, either. Although the whole story was the solution to a conflict, everything went fairly easily for our protagonist. I got a little lost in the technical talk, so I might have missed a bit there, but the solution was readily available and even the soldiers didn’t give him a hard time.
Picture use:
I enjoyed the picture of the zombie doctor and the priest. The written scene reflected the humor in the picture, and those humor pictures can be hard to work into a story. The goggles picture gives us the setup our doc is using to help his patient. The picture of the people in white, frozen is a hard sell. I can’t really imagine people getting petrified in that pose, and the linux picture is clever, but a bit of a throwaway.
Tadk – Thowing it Down
I loved the opening of this piece. It painted a vivid word picture and made me look forward to what was coming next.
I’m going to admit right off I had an extremely difficult time reading and following this story. My only complaint about the language is that it can’t quite decide if it’s a poem or prose. Some of the sentences go on without punctuation where it needs it and it gets harder to follow.
The word picture is dark, but any understanding I have of it is instinctual at best. I know there was something with an ultimate goal for the human race, allowing the world to go to hell in order to leave just a few to work with, although I couldn’t really understand the reasoning. When it comes to genetics, you’d think more would be better.
There is also the concept of people letting happen through selfishness and greed and letting corporations and big governments run our lives. After that, I can see some of the connections you’re trying to make, but there is so much language between that I can’t follow them through. I’ll admit right here that poetry was never my strong suit; I’ve always struggled with it. So my inability to follow could be entirely my problem rather than a problem with the writing.
Picture use:
The pictures of the doctor and priest and the dancers are good illustrators in this strange, dark world, but I think I would have placed them later, when the lonely one meets with them. The goggles on the lonely one do the same, illustrating the strangeness. I wasn’t sure what the alien thing was supposed to represent.
I have to throw this one to Rodrigo.
Rodrigo Istalindir vs. tadk
I looked closely at each of the imps in the Dark Court that is my backyard. I held ‘Lady Death’ up before them, my gaze like ice. I was not happy.
“One of you has played with something you should not - my server connection. When I find the miscreant who has done this, ‘Lady Death’ has assured me she will suck the marrow from the creature responsible. Let you all be on notice!”
The imps of the jury shifted uneasily, as if in mass conspiracy? It better not be, there where still two rounds of judgment to go and I needed at least some imps left so as to cast correct judgment.
“Anyway, those of the court please attend to the current match-up between Rodrigo Istalindir and tadk. Rodrigo has given us a curious tale of a slightly warped future, where things that should not be roam the Earth as casual citizens. tadk has followed up his previous offering with one similar, a tale of digging below the veneer of life, a tale of as he describes it, of ‘Throwing it down’. Rodrigo has given us a compact story neatly encompassing the curious range of images provided whilst tadk has once again splashed descriptive paint with a vibrant brush painting an ugly image. While this was beautiful in parts to read, I was concerned that the connections to the pictures provided were cursory at best.”
“Rodrigo’s submission is a neat story that skilfully dances its way through the various images. Told with a slightly wry tone, it does not attain the greatest of heights in terms of storytelling but there is enough there to produce a decent level of satisfaction as the medusa calamity is unravelled and dealt with. While on the surface, the tale may seem only satisfactory; I will note that the images for this match-up were particularly difficult and so to package them so neatly together is a feat of considerable skill. Anyway, imps, I shall leave judgment upon this up to you after we have attempted to carefully look at tadk’s submission.”
“tadk has continued in a similar mode to where he left off with the first round’s submission. I tried not to be distracted by the pointed vitriol at modern society (something which personally, I happen to like) and instead tried to soak into tadk’s world of gnashing ‘truth’. While I enjoyed the imagery presented [there were several nods from the imps too at this point] there was a lack of movement and clarity that had me trying to fossick for added meaning where in fact I could find little. I struggled for direction this time around - the images smearing each other in passing leaving them difficult for me to decipher. Tadk, you defeated me with this piece. As such I am unsure at whose door to place the blame, my own inadequacy or your own? Unfortunately, the line you have trodden was too thin, your path too inaccessible. I needed more guidance from the author and I did not receive it. Imps, cast your initial position.”
The imps half confused wandered around settling into a final position of seventeen imps to Rodrigo and thirteen to tadk. I tapped the scythe hard upon the alter acknowledging the result. I nodded to the Gnopf who pressed a button upon his fiendish keyboard but to no effect. He kept pressing buttons but no image was conveyed. I tapped “Lady Death’ irritably to get him to do something but his own frustration was obvious. He belted the keyboard apart and started jumping up and down upon the projector. There was a momentary flash of bright images before a small explosion blasted the Gnopf high into the sky. He never landed.
I looked around, up in the air but nothing. Moving quickly so as not to allow the judging imps attention to falter, I abbreviated the normal image progression to present an overall summation.
“Rodrigo has used the images exceedingly well. The two dancers as statues of Doctor and Nurse mid-delivery was perhaps the surprise packet of this set. Inspiring the whole “medusa” theme I thought it one of the best image uses this round. The penguin/computer was a difficult image but well linked to the “image” of a person looking back at himself and ingeniously tied in to avoiding the medusa’s gaze. Double thumbs up here for a fantastic idea to incorporate the deviously diverse set of pictures.”
“tadk on the other hand has thrust his discourse upon us moulding it on top of rather than around the images. I have to say that I felt the connection between what you were saying and what the images were conveying at odds in the main. The doctor/priest picture was perhaps the most intriguing although the foetus carcass as misguided experiment was the most powerful. As a whole though, I was left a little disappointed that so many extra elements of the images were left out or skipped over. In comparison to Rodrigo’s more intrinsic use, I felt tadk’s was satisfactory at best. Good imps of the jury, I apologise for the lack of visual accompaniment, a situation we will have to address before the next judgment. For the nonce, if you could indicate your final position for this match, we will record it and hope that the Gnopf safely descends from its current orbit.”
The imps confused by the lack of detail skipped this way and that leaving a final tally of twenty-two imps to Rodrigo and nine to tadk. Thank you competitors for your submissions and hopefully, my connection to EN World can be reinstated as quickly as possible.
Yangnome-
Rodrigo-
This is an interesting story, though I don’t think its potential was fully realized. The first paragraph really hooked me and the first portion of the story had me laughing out loud. The story didn’t follow through with this though.
You initially built up some conflict with the unknown, but once that was solved there really wasn’t any conflict. The ending seemed to lack impact.
Your picture use was ok, but nothing really spectacular. I think your best image was the baby alien picture in the incubator, followed by the zombie doctor. The goggle picture was decent. The penguin one, while witty didn’t seem like an image that would be taken from the story. The dancers probably inspired the statues, but I didn’t buy the roles of these people in your story.
Overall, I think this story could have been much stronger. It would have been fun to see you carry out a story that the beginning promised. I felt like a kid who goes to get a happy meal toy they are excited about (seen the advertisements, pictures on the bag) to only find a cheap substitute toy inside because the store ran out of the cool toy.
Tadk-
I feel like I just watched the forbidden zone. If I did drugs, maybe I could understand your story and the movie. As I’ve said in the past, you have a way with words, but you leave the story behind. Flowery language can definitely make writing interesting, but there’s a very definite line where you’ll lose your readers in purple prose. I think you were way over that line. My challenge to you would be to try to write a story without the language play. I realize you are a poet, but try to put that aside and write something where the language is simple, but the story deep. Once you’ve done that a time or two, season the story with language, but don’t drown it.
My decision for this round goes to Rodrigo. Rodrigo wins this round 3-0
Orchid Blossom
Rodrigo Istalindir – Untitled
The opening paragraph of this story pulled me right in. The tone carried right through the first scene, promising us something light and witty. It was a little disconcerting when that’s not what followed.
This is one of those random life occurrence stories. The problem with random occurrence stories is that they tend to lack a soul. Why do we tell stories? The answer for me is to explore something about the condition of living. Although this story ended with a comment on the universal nature of motherhood, nothing in the story prepared us for the revelation. The narrator never voiced doubts about that or commented on the nature of the demons that had entered the world. He worked with a zombie with no reaction, so we get the impression that he’s accepted these things as normal.
There wasn’t much for conflict here, either. Although the whole story was the solution to a conflict, everything went fairly easily for our protagonist. I got a little lost in the technical talk, so I might have missed a bit there, but the solution was readily available and even the soldiers didn’t give him a hard time.
Picture use:
I enjoyed the picture of the zombie doctor and the priest. The written scene reflected the humor in the picture, and those humor pictures can be hard to work into a story. The goggles picture gives us the setup our doc is using to help his patient. The picture of the people in white, frozen is a hard sell. I can’t really imagine people getting petrified in that pose, and the linux picture is clever, but a bit of a throwaway.
Tadk – Thowing it Down
I loved the opening of this piece. It painted a vivid word picture and made me look forward to what was coming next.
I’m going to admit right off I had an extremely difficult time reading and following this story. My only complaint about the language is that it can’t quite decide if it’s a poem or prose. Some of the sentences go on without punctuation where it needs it and it gets harder to follow.
The word picture is dark, but any understanding I have of it is instinctual at best. I know there was something with an ultimate goal for the human race, allowing the world to go to hell in order to leave just a few to work with, although I couldn’t really understand the reasoning. When it comes to genetics, you’d think more would be better.
There is also the concept of people letting happen through selfishness and greed and letting corporations and big governments run our lives. After that, I can see some of the connections you’re trying to make, but there is so much language between that I can’t follow them through. I’ll admit right here that poetry was never my strong suit; I’ve always struggled with it. So my inability to follow could be entirely my problem rather than a problem with the writing.
Picture use:
The pictures of the doctor and priest and the dancers are good illustrators in this strange, dark world, but I think I would have placed them later, when the lonely one meets with them. The goggles on the lonely one do the same, illustrating the strangeness. I wasn’t sure what the alien thing was supposed to represent.
I have to throw this one to Rodrigo.
Rodrigo Istalindir vs. tadk
I looked closely at each of the imps in the Dark Court that is my backyard. I held ‘Lady Death’ up before them, my gaze like ice. I was not happy.
“One of you has played with something you should not - my server connection. When I find the miscreant who has done this, ‘Lady Death’ has assured me she will suck the marrow from the creature responsible. Let you all be on notice!”
The imps of the jury shifted uneasily, as if in mass conspiracy? It better not be, there where still two rounds of judgment to go and I needed at least some imps left so as to cast correct judgment.
“Anyway, those of the court please attend to the current match-up between Rodrigo Istalindir and tadk. Rodrigo has given us a curious tale of a slightly warped future, where things that should not be roam the Earth as casual citizens. tadk has followed up his previous offering with one similar, a tale of digging below the veneer of life, a tale of as he describes it, of ‘Throwing it down’. Rodrigo has given us a compact story neatly encompassing the curious range of images provided whilst tadk has once again splashed descriptive paint with a vibrant brush painting an ugly image. While this was beautiful in parts to read, I was concerned that the connections to the pictures provided were cursory at best.”
“Rodrigo’s submission is a neat story that skilfully dances its way through the various images. Told with a slightly wry tone, it does not attain the greatest of heights in terms of storytelling but there is enough there to produce a decent level of satisfaction as the medusa calamity is unravelled and dealt with. While on the surface, the tale may seem only satisfactory; I will note that the images for this match-up were particularly difficult and so to package them so neatly together is a feat of considerable skill. Anyway, imps, I shall leave judgment upon this up to you after we have attempted to carefully look at tadk’s submission.”
“tadk has continued in a similar mode to where he left off with the first round’s submission. I tried not to be distracted by the pointed vitriol at modern society (something which personally, I happen to like) and instead tried to soak into tadk’s world of gnashing ‘truth’. While I enjoyed the imagery presented [there were several nods from the imps too at this point] there was a lack of movement and clarity that had me trying to fossick for added meaning where in fact I could find little. I struggled for direction this time around - the images smearing each other in passing leaving them difficult for me to decipher. Tadk, you defeated me with this piece. As such I am unsure at whose door to place the blame, my own inadequacy or your own? Unfortunately, the line you have trodden was too thin, your path too inaccessible. I needed more guidance from the author and I did not receive it. Imps, cast your initial position.”
The imps half confused wandered around settling into a final position of seventeen imps to Rodrigo and thirteen to tadk. I tapped the scythe hard upon the alter acknowledging the result. I nodded to the Gnopf who pressed a button upon his fiendish keyboard but to no effect. He kept pressing buttons but no image was conveyed. I tapped “Lady Death’ irritably to get him to do something but his own frustration was obvious. He belted the keyboard apart and started jumping up and down upon the projector. There was a momentary flash of bright images before a small explosion blasted the Gnopf high into the sky. He never landed.
I looked around, up in the air but nothing. Moving quickly so as not to allow the judging imps attention to falter, I abbreviated the normal image progression to present an overall summation.
“Rodrigo has used the images exceedingly well. The two dancers as statues of Doctor and Nurse mid-delivery was perhaps the surprise packet of this set. Inspiring the whole “medusa” theme I thought it one of the best image uses this round. The penguin/computer was a difficult image but well linked to the “image” of a person looking back at himself and ingeniously tied in to avoiding the medusa’s gaze. Double thumbs up here for a fantastic idea to incorporate the deviously diverse set of pictures.”
“tadk on the other hand has thrust his discourse upon us moulding it on top of rather than around the images. I have to say that I felt the connection between what you were saying and what the images were conveying at odds in the main. The doctor/priest picture was perhaps the most intriguing although the foetus carcass as misguided experiment was the most powerful. As a whole though, I was left a little disappointed that so many extra elements of the images were left out or skipped over. In comparison to Rodrigo’s more intrinsic use, I felt tadk’s was satisfactory at best. Good imps of the jury, I apologise for the lack of visual accompaniment, a situation we will have to address before the next judgment. For the nonce, if you could indicate your final position for this match, we will record it and hope that the Gnopf safely descends from its current orbit.”
The imps confused by the lack of detail skipped this way and that leaving a final tally of twenty-two imps to Rodrigo and nine to tadk. Thank you competitors for your submissions and hopefully, my connection to EN World can be reinstated as quickly as possible.
Yangnome-
Rodrigo-
This is an interesting story, though I don’t think its potential was fully realized. The first paragraph really hooked me and the first portion of the story had me laughing out loud. The story didn’t follow through with this though.
You initially built up some conflict with the unknown, but once that was solved there really wasn’t any conflict. The ending seemed to lack impact.
Your picture use was ok, but nothing really spectacular. I think your best image was the baby alien picture in the incubator, followed by the zombie doctor. The goggle picture was decent. The penguin one, while witty didn’t seem like an image that would be taken from the story. The dancers probably inspired the statues, but I didn’t buy the roles of these people in your story.
Overall, I think this story could have been much stronger. It would have been fun to see you carry out a story that the beginning promised. I felt like a kid who goes to get a happy meal toy they are excited about (seen the advertisements, pictures on the bag) to only find a cheap substitute toy inside because the store ran out of the cool toy.
Tadk-
I feel like I just watched the forbidden zone. If I did drugs, maybe I could understand your story and the movie. As I’ve said in the past, you have a way with words, but you leave the story behind. Flowery language can definitely make writing interesting, but there’s a very definite line where you’ll lose your readers in purple prose. I think you were way over that line. My challenge to you would be to try to write a story without the language play. I realize you are a poet, but try to put that aside and write something where the language is simple, but the story deep. Once you’ve done that a time or two, season the story with language, but don’t drown it.
My decision for this round goes to Rodrigo. Rodrigo wins this round 3-0
Thanks to the judges for the comments -- it's as helpful as always. Hopefully I'm continuing to refine and shore up what I think are my weaknesses. 
