Sanzuo
First Post
My friend and I ran a little one-off game of the original edition of the Star Wars Roleplaying Game. It went a little something like this...
Episode LXIX
Episode LXIX
I stepped off the space transport and landed hard on the packed dirt ground that served as a landing pad on this nameless backwater planet. The fumes from the ship's engines hadn't fully dissipated so I immediately went into a coughing fit. The wind picked up abruptly so I reached my hand out from under my enviro-poncho and placed it on my head to keep my hat from getting blown away. My hat is dusty and well worn, sort of an off-brown color. It has a wide brim to keep the sun from getting in my face. Also, it helps keep people from looking directly into my eyes. Keeps them wondering.
When the wind dies down for a moment I take the opportunity to survey my surroundings. Aside from the “spaceport” the only other structures are what looks like a sad little ramshackle town about a quarter-mile from here. The planet itself is a wind-blasted dust bowl. There aren't even any mountains or even pieces of rock that could pass as hills anywhere where I can see. There is dust everywhere. It's not like Tatooine. Tatooine is beautiful and exotic compared to this place. There is no color here. Only flat brown.
A short walk later I'm walking down the main avenue that runs through the middle of the sad little town. I don't see a single living soul. Not unless you count a single odd-looking droid with what appears to be a crescent shaped scratch in it's faceplate, right about where the mouth would be on a person. It looks like he's smiling. Suddenly I spy something behind me.
I've always had keen eyes. Someone once said they were like angel eyes, whatever that meant. The thing I spot is about a mile away heading right toward me. It's a speeder, traveling at about 100 miles an hour. Which means it's about six seconds from taking my head off. I step out of the way.
The speeder stops abruptly a few meters from me so fast it would've snapped a human's neck. The two occupants weren't human. One was a gangly and looked like a big mantis-bug. The other was some huge alien that looked like a cross between a hairless Wookie and a brick house. They were both looking at me.
The bug-thing spoke first.
“Nyaaaa, Chk Chk Brrck Chk.” It said by clicking and gnashing its mandibles, which I think meant; Hey, look at this guy! What a goon.
“Hurf durf durrrrf durf hurf. Durf!” The other one said in what I thought was another language entirely. I'm not sure what it meant.
“Hey, fellas.” I said, switching my toothpick from one side of my mouth to the other. “You wouldn't happen to know if there's a cantina around here?”
They looked at one another with alien expressions I couldn't begin to understand. The bug-thing turned toward me and spoke again.
“Nyaaaa, Chk! Brrrck chk. Chk!”
“You kiss your mother with those mandibles...?” I said, slightly shocked at the creature's filthy language.
In response, a pair of insect-like wings came out from behind it's back and it fluttered out of the speeder into the air only slightly. It exposed its swollen thorax, which seemed to be twitching and working its orifice. Without time to react it ejaculated a sticky, bright green goo that hit me dead in my upper right leg. I half expected it to start burning and eat through my flesh, but instead it just bonded with the cloth fibers in my pant leg - staining the hell out of it.
“Hey...” I said. Before I could continue they sped off in the original direction they were headed, laughing (I think) as they went.
I tried to give my leg a wipe with my hand. But that stuff was not coming off. Not easily. I would need some kind of super strong solvent. Oh well, I thought, and went searching for the cantina.
I found the place across the street. It had some kind of energy field to keep the dust from blowing in. As I walked through it shut off temporarily and hours, maybe days of built up dust around the entrance blew in all at once.
“Eayyyyyy!” The bar keeper said. “Eou eet en ere end etop eetting ehe eust en!”
I thought about what language he might be speaking before realizing it was basic.
“Oh... sorry...” I said as I walked into the cantina. The energy field turned itself back on behind me and the dust stopped. I walked around to the bar where the thing behind the counter was looking at me with its six eyes. It had two of its six arms resting on the counter and the others were busy doing something I couldn't see.
“Some big bug just crapped on my leg.”
“Ey...” It said.
“Hey, partner...” I started to ask. “You got any drinks in this place?”
“Eea. Eegot euisky. Ehat's et.”
“Euisky, huh... I'll have some of that.”
It poured some in a glass and I tried it. It had a smoky flavor, not the kind of smoky flavor you're probably thinking of. The kind of black smoke that pours out of a speeder when oil starts leaking and pours into the combustion chamber. That's what it tasted like, with a slight aftertaste of straight turpentine.
“I like it.” I said. “Pour me another.”
The barkeep obliged then asked me a question.
“Eo, ehat erings eou eo eplace eike ehis.”
“Looking for work...” I said.
“Eork? Eot euch ere. Eust e eangs.”
“Gangs?” I asked. “What kind of gangs?”
“Ewo ef em. E (something) end e (something). Ey elways eighting. Eug euy's ene ef em.”
“Come again?”
“Eea, ehe eug euy. Ee eives et ehe eive eown ehere.”
“Uh huh. So the bug guy's down by the hive then. Alright. You got rooms for the night?”
“Eea, eut ee eake eredits en edvance eround eere.”
“I ain't got no money, sorry...”
It sighed. “Euess ehe erinks ere en ee ehen.”
I made my way out the door and the barkeep just looked at me, puzzled. My poncho picked up and whipped around me as the force field dropped once more and the wind came rushing toward me. I held on to my hat and made my way down the street where I last saw the speeder rushing off to. Before too long, I saw the hive. It looked like a pile of mud three stories tall the same color as everything else around here. I saw the two aliens, the big one and the bug just outside of it working on their speeder. The big guy saw me first as I approached within, oh, three to seven meters of them.
“Hurf!” It exclaimed, pointing one of its three thick fingers at me.
They both looked at me and I looked at them, they were just underneath the brim of my hat. Underneath my poncho, my hand caressed the handle of my trusty blaster.
“Hey... you guys...” I said. “What are you going to do about my pants?”
“Nyaaaa.” Said the bug guy. “Brrrck chk chk brck chk?” (You wanna start something right in front of my place?) He gestured to the mud pile behind him.
“Naw.” I said. “I just wanna talk about my pants. You ruined them.”
“Nyaaaa.”
The two of them looked at one another. The bug guy made a noise that sounded like a crackling paper bag. I'm guessing he was laughing at me. Suddenly the big guy roared and started to charge me. I smirked in spite of myself and reached for my blaster. I gave it a tug, but it didn't come free. I looked down.
“Aw, darn...”
Some of that green crap had splashed on my holster. When it set it more or less glued my blaster into place inside it, and it wasn't moving. The big guy was one second from trampling me, so I thought fast. I grabbed my belt knife on the other side and gave it a hard sideways yank using all of my strength. My plan worked and it cut the entire blaster belt from my waist. I quickly lifted the piece up in the direction of the charging brute and fired a shot. My aim was a little low, which meant it hit the thing below the belt, so to speak. It dropped to the ground howling and clutching itself.
Its bug friend began to panic and suddenly produced some barbed spines from its back. The thing shook itself in a bizarre way that my eyes couldn't follow. Spines shot from it going in several directions at once, but mostly towards me. I turned sideways to make myself a smaller target and fortunately the spines passed right by me. I noticed that one of them projectiles had errantly found its way stuck into the big guy's rear end. It was howling worse than ever now, clutching his groin and his posterior at the same time. Poor guy. I put him out of his misery.
With my blaster still in the holster and the belt still dangling I leveled the weapon at the brute's face and blasted it right between the eyes. After that the bug thing was in a near panic. I began shaking and spinning wildly shooting spines everywhere. One of the things caught me square in my left shoulder, fortunately my poncho was enough to stop it before it actually broke skin. I aimed carefully and let out another shot. The blaster shot caught it right in its thorax, blowing it to pieces and sending that green crap all over its precious speeder. It stopped and looked at me long enough to utter a final “Nyaaaa” before falling over dead.
After that I listened for a short while. Besides the constant wind it was silent. I went to twirl my blaster on my finger before I remembered it was still in the holster - on the belt. So I slung the whole belt over my shoulder and made my way back in the direction of the cantina. The wind picked up slightly and stirred my poncho blowing it behind me as I walked away from the giant mud pile hive.
I arrived back at the cantina. The bar keeper had all six of his eyes sticking around the door looking at me. It had probably seen everything from where he was.
“Eoly ehit,eartner. Eou eust eave e eeath eish.” It said following me back in where I sat at the bar and laid the severed blaster belt next to me.
“Eere.” It poured me another drink. “Ehis ene's en ee, eoo. Eou eon't ee elive euch eonger.”
“We'll see.” I took the drink. “Hey, buddy. Can you do anything about this?”
I showed him my blaster-holster mess. He studied it for a moment and grabed the euisky bottle then poured a bit on the holster. The green stuff dissolved away instantly.
“Well I'll be...” I said.
I poured a bit of my drink on the stain on my pants and it came right out. I finished my drink in one swallow and tapped my finger the counter for another. Meanwhile the bar keep had taken to mending my blaster belt by diluting some of the green stuff in some water and gluing it back together. It was going to be a while before I could wear it again. He passed me the bottle and I moved to the back of the cantina where I could see the door better. My blaster sat on the table next to me in easy reach.
I killed a few hours just sitting there. Once I saw more of those bug-things wander by the cantina and look inside. They saw me sitting there and studied me for a time. After a few moments they apparently decided not to mess with me and buggered on. Eventually it got dark and some new characters entered the building. They were about the same height as me but that's where the similarities ended. They were completely covered in hair and walked on reverse-jointed legs. Their faces were made of beady eyes and long snouts that dangled out in front of them. They wore clothes, kind-of. They had simple buttoned vests and wore broad-brimmed hats with high crowns. One of them was wearing a white shirt. The leader, probably. I realized immediately that these guys were probably the other gang.
The leader noticed me in the corner and seemed to be taken aback.
“Ruh Roh!” It said, and slowly walked over.
I pushed a chair forward for him to sit in but he declined with a wave of his hairy paw.
“Ro, Ri rear rou rere rhe ruy rho rook rout Rrok rand Rreeebo rover rat rhe rive.” It said.
“Uh...” I groaned and clutched my head with my hand. “Yea, that was me.”
“Rou rooking ror rork? Re ran ruse ra ruy rike rou.”
“I'll bet you can. How much are you gonna pay me?”
“Ray? Rhmmm... Rell... Row rabout rone rundered rredits?”
“One hundred a day?” I asked.
“Ruhh... Rea! Rone rundred ra ray.”
I shook my head. “Naw, partner... I don't work for less than two hundred credits a day.”
“Rwo rundred! Ruh Roh!” It exclaimed.
It seemed to study me for a little while. Then came to a decision.
“Rall right rit's ra real. Rwo rundred ra ray. Rut rou retter re rorth rit.”
I smiled my best smile and raised my glass to him before finishing what was left. I picked up my gun belt and gave it a test tug. Remarkably it seemed as tough as ever. When my gear was all in order I followed my new employers outside and towards their lair.
Obi-wan, as portrayed in the various films, was never, ever, a first level character. 
