D&D 5E Dealing with a trouble player and a major blow up

[S'mon]

I hate stupid people too, in fact I hate them with raw passion to a level most people might not understand. I think it is just part of being a person who is naturally intelligent and adept

Yes, it must be the adeptness.

 

[Majoru Oakheart]

I have just finished reading this entire post. I hate to tell you this OP, but you are a LARGE part of the problem. I started to see where you were the problem with the update about the last blow up, but it really hit home when during your text message to the GF that you passive aggressively attacked her with that whole "I know you have to stick up for him" crap.

The reason I said that is because I've observed her continually telling her boyfriend that he's being a idiot when he goes off on a tangent that makes no sense at all. I've seen her attempt to diffuse at least 5 other situations where he almost blew up and she said something like "ok, you need to stop talking about this now. Let's discuss something else." Or "ok, you need to shut up right now."

I realized that she was perfectly aware that he blew up for no good reason and actively tried to prevent that. I knew that somewhere inside her she understood that something is wrong with him. I was hoping to appeal to that side of her. To the part at the back of her mind that screams "this isn't right."

It was a 50/50 chance. Either she said "you're right. I've been concerned about it for a while now but I was afraid to say anything. Sorry, maybe I can convince him to calm down in the future." or she got angry and said "screw you, my boyfriend is right to hate you. I agree with him." She chose the latter but it could have been the former.

It certainly wasn't meant to antagonize anyone. It was meant to do exactly what it did. Determine whether there was enough of her that was reasonable to continue to have them as friends.

I keep looking through my words to find things I've said that are purposefully antagonistic. I can't find them. She said that in one of her last messages to me. But as I told her, I'm opinionated and I will continue to state my opinions emphatically. People are free to disagree with me but I will continue to speak my mind. Even if sometimes people take offense to the things I say. I don't intend to antagonize anyone. I would never say anything just to make someone angry(unless I was really, really pissed off...it's happened probably less than 10 times in my life) but I will say things that are the truth, relying on the person to be able to handle the truth without getting angry over it.

Back when I was much younger, I was in Youth Parliament. Which is a sort of club where you learn about government by doing a mock session of parliament. I went for a couple of years and what I learned from that was to always speak your mind, to be clear about your opinions, but also to understand that people who disagree with you are going to argue back just as hard and just as clearly. At the end of the day, you may disagree with what they said but you need to listen to them and give them a chance to speak no matter how much you wish they would stop. And after everything is said and done, you need to put their opinions aside and still be able to go for dinner with them and treat them like friends.

I expect people to debate like that which is why I have no idea how to handle people running and hiding instead of discussing.

 

[Kichwas]

Nothing ever comes out right or comes across right on the internet. Whenever you try to make a point that has emotions and conflict in it - half the people will agree with you somewhat randomly and the other half will see all the reasons you're being a jerk. Either side could be right or wrong or both.
Its really kind of random unless you've taking some very good persuasive writing courses in your time, write for advertising or political campaigns - or otherwise know how to well convey an emotional point in a pure text format.

So... I would just take BOTH the people that agree with you and those that disagree with a grain of salt. The only real takeaway is the very fact that you were motivated to make the thread was reason enough to end the relationship with that other person. The other 37 pages of this thread... really don't need to exist. The only answer you needed I think was given in one of the first three replies or so.

Another good takeaway is to NEVER get involved or insert yourself between a person and their significant other. It doesn't matter if one or both are friends - it never ends well. In fact its a major cause of violent crime because it often gets misconstrued in ways that strike to our rather less evolved emotional center. So the only time you get involved there is when you need to - totally not relevant in this conversation (domestic abuse prevention).

 

[Bawylie]

You're well shod of these two and given a few months you'll be well and truly over it. Treat yourself to a good "lesson learned; life lived" beer.

 

[JackOfAllTirades]

I have just finished reading this entire post. I hate to tell you this OP, but you are a LARGE part of the problem. I started to see where you were the problem with the update about the last blow up, but it really hit home when during your text message to the GF that you passive aggressively attacked her with that whole "I know you have to stick up for him" crap.

If you don't see where you need to reflect on yourself and change your approach, you will lose many more friends in the future. As of right now, of everything that has been read, I think the guy in question is a moron, I think his girlfriend is a moron and I think you are completely blind to how much of an antagonizer you are.

I hate stupid people too, in fact I hate them with raw passion to a level most people might not understand. I think it is just part of being a person who is naturally intelligent and adept, but I know you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and you are pouring vinegar all over the place.

It's true, you do catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

But if you pull their wings off, they'll take whatever you feed 'em....

 

[Nellisir]

I expect people to debate like that which is why I have no idea how to handle people running and hiding instead of discussing.

Here's the thing. You can't change him. You can only change you. And you just identified the problem.

"I have no idea how to handle people running and hiding"

So use your intellect and figure out a different way that YOU can respond, because the one you've been using ain't workin' and you can't change him.

 

[cmad1977]

You seem tactless. But you are well rid of those people.

 

[shadowoflameth]

In our longstanding game I DM with only a couple of hard rules that alleviate most of this kind of thing. One: Let them play. Do make suggestions where it may be helpful to another player, but do not ever assert that 'You aren't playing that character right.' You're out of line. Another is that the game presumes your characters have, or will find a reason to cooperate. Even if you're an evil character like the Blackguard, Oathbreaker, or Assassin, you had a reason to join this band. Don't go against them in character unless there is a compelling reason because it isn't fun for the others, and if the others don't agree, you won't be invited back.

 

[MG.0]

In our longstanding game I DM with only a couple of hard rules that alleviate most of this kind of thing. One: Let them play. Do make suggestions where it may be helpful to another player, but do not ever assert that 'You aren't playing that character right.' You're out of line. Another is that the game presumes your characters have, or will find a reason to cooperate. Even if you're an evil character like the Blackguard, Oathbreaker, or Assassin, you had a reason to join this band. Don't go against them in character unless there is a compelling reason because it isn't fun for the others, and if the others don't agree, you won't be invited back.

I do the same. I've found you can allow any race/class/alignment combinations in a game if the players are willing to abide by the "don't be a jerk" rule. In-game justifications for a lawful good paladin and a chaotic evil assassin in the same party are not really that hard to come by unless you just aren't even trying.

 

[imabaer]

You seem tactless. But you are well rid of those people.

That's a lot more blunt than I would have put it, but it's not far off.

Ho boy, this going to be a helluva first post. Heh.

I realized that she was perfectly aware that he blew up for no good reason and actively tried to prevent that. I knew that somewhere inside her she understood that something is wrong with him. I was hoping to appeal to that side of her. To the part at the back of her mind that screams "this isn't right."

OP: First problem is you are trying to fix this guy. You are trying to point out what is wrong with him to his girlfriend. You are also putting words into her mouth ("I know you're only siding with him because you're dating him, but..." On a side note, this is really, really presumptuous of you to say. And worse, if you were actually right, it's exactly the wrong time to point that out.) The focus of your ire offends you on a personal level, and it's something you can't let go.

Actually, scratch that. Your first and foremost problem is that you're emotionally invested in being RIGHT and letting other people know it. Majority of your posts have either been why other people were wrong, why your actions were justified, or how the other person is horrible. You needed to text your ex roommate because you needed her to understand your side of things. Even your DM style shows this.

LET IT GO. And not just on a "I'll just avoid bringing it up verbally" level, but become a bigger person. Little differences like this shouldn't matter. We're all human, so they ultimately do, but recognize that this is a petty character flaw that can bring out the worst in anyone. You've let something like this fester and eat at you for months. Time to let that stop.

This made my girlfriend even more angry. She's kind of happy we won't be seeing them anymore.

In regards to this situation, she's got a good head on her shoulders. Good for her.

But as I told her, I'm opinionated and I will continue to state my opinions emphatically. People are free to disagree with me but I will continue to speak my mind. Even if sometimes people take offense to the things I say. I don't intend to antagonize anyone. I would never say anything just to make someone angry(unless I was really, really pissed off...it's happened probably less than 10 times in my life) but I will say things that are the truth, relying on the person to be able to handle the truth without getting angry over it.

Owning up to a personality flaw doesn't excuse it causing altercations. This is akin to saying "well, we got in a brawl, but I'm just an a**hole who likes punching people." I'm not telling you to fix yourself, but you really need to take responsibility for problems that your personality causes. The first step is a sincere apology. The second is finding a way to avoid future problems, if you're not willing to work on that aspect of yourself.

To paraphrase a cliche: yes, he may be a mouthbreathing knuckle dragging moron with the social grace of a particularly boorish gorilla. But what does that make you for 1) trying to argue with him, and 2) putting yourself in situations where you're likely to clash with him?



The reason I'm bringing this up is because you're going to cause future frissons with your attitude. It may not be as dramatic and obvious as some dudebro storming out of a game store, but they will be there. Your writing has hints of being more than a little judgmental and dismissive. There's a subtle difference between you saying "well, some of them aren't as focused on roleplaying", and

I only want 6 and I am not a huge fan of the role playing ability of 2 of them.

One is stating a difference, the other is casting a personal value judgment on their qualifications to play with you.