ENWorld-Appropriate Dating Question

[Voadam]

My inclination was to make an overture to do something socially that was unambiguously (a) a date and (b) not associated with the player-GM dynamic.

I would go with that inclination, you want to date her so ask her (outside of anything related to the game) out on a date.

 

[jgbrowning]

Wait another two months, they ask her out for the Hand of Evil "lets do lunch!" no pressure bit. You'll get to feel her out outside of a organized setting (gaming) and see if there is any mutual interest before getting into the "attraction" side of things.

joe b.

 

[xrpsuzi]

It's always weird with girls because so much of what's going on inside their head is (for all intents and purposes) inacessable.

So my advice, gaming and non-gaming, is to relax, be yourself, and spend time with her (whether that be in a group environment or non group environment--some prefer the safety of a group, others find a group embarrassing).

The particulars of how to get her to spend time with you? That depends on the girl, and you will have to use your social perception skills.

Some ideas: coffee/bite to eat after a gaming session after everyone else has conveniently left--screams "hey, I might kinda like you", but if she says yes, then there is a good chance she kinda likes you too. At least enough to bite the line.

Asking for help--Girls like to be helpful, especially if you need help right up her ally. Say you need a mother's day gift (right around the corner....), and you are strapped for cash and would like to make something for her. Ask your friend to go to one of those ceramic painting places with you (becuase you'd feel stupid asking one of your guy friends and going alone sounds like no fun). Then she's helping you out, doing you a favor. And you get a lot of talking done in a non-threatening environment. Mother's Day was just an example. If you have a sister, may it's her birthday and you need to get her a gift and would like your friend to help you go shopping and pick something out. The important part of this non-date environment---don't pick out something that is really pressing. If your mother is seriously weird about mother's day gifts, don't have your enteraction with the girl dependent on getting that cup painted pretty. The goal is to spend time with her and not get her to wig like a deer in headlights.

Good luck and have fun. If you're not having fun, what's the point?

 

[Rel]

I'll second the idea of inviting more people than just the two of you to do something social. The invite all by itself may be instructive and you may actually learn more if she doesn't come than if she does.

If she can't make it and offers no reason or excuse then she's probably either very shy or doesn't really dig you. If she can't make it but is very sorry not to be able to and promises to try and make the next gathering then you might be onto something.

If she comes to the gathering then observe how she moves within the group. People make conscious or subconscious decisions about where they'll sit around a table. If she seems to angle to sit close to you then that might be a good sign.

Above all, I say you should pursue the matter. As long as you move slowly and are respectful then the chances of it exploding your game group are low. But I think it's worth the risk. Love is a wonderful thing and love with a woman who games is better still.

I'm pulling for you!

 

[Angcuru]

If anyone finds a cure for this disease, I'm going to be first in line...
Oh how annoying that is... sigh

Not if I beat you to it. The problem with us gamers is that a lot of us have ANGS: Acute Nice Guy Syndrome, where you focus on making others comfortable to the point that you become oblivious to stuff. At least that's how it is in my case.

 

[BOZ]

Basically, I am a pretty socially perceptive person in most situations -- until it pertains directly to me. Then I turn into a complete moron.

That’s most people, I think. it’s often way too obvious when someone is flirting with someone else, but when it happens to me I’m never sure.

I have to agree with people that say tread cautiously, and with those who say you need to talk with her outside of gaming.

Tread cautiously, if it’s important to you as the DM to have her as a player in your group, or even as a friend. If you try to put the moves on her and fail, that will lead to all sorts of awkward situations, and ultimately will probably end in her uncomfortably leaving the group. Of course, it may not go that badly, she may just shrug it off and say “eh, it’s happened before.”

And yes, you definitely need to talk to her outside of gaming. If all the time you’ve spent with her so far was playing an adult version of “make-believe,” how can you possibly know her as a real person? When you do get a moment to chat alone (or with at most one or two other people around), don’t talk to her about gaming, and don’t ask her out until you’re comfortable that it’s a good idea. Talk about a movie you just saw, a book you just read, or a song you just heard, or ask her if she’s got one of those to talk about. Small talk, while generally banal, is a good way to feel out where someone else is coming from. If you can’t get onto her wavelength early on, you’re probably not going to do it later either. Keep it casual at first, and go wherever you feel comfortable when you are ready. If she doesn't pick up on your signals, you can always just play it cool and just keep her around as a friend/fellow gamer.

 

[diaglo]

Not you as well!!!

Look man, he's asking for advice re the girl, group stuff can come later.

SOmeone mention running a train.

dang.

 

[billd91]

I think some kind of social event outside of gaming is a good idea. Grilling season is coming up. If any of the players have a grill, suggest a cookout to bask in the weather, drink some beer, play a beer-n-pretzels-type game like Chez Geek, and get to know each other.
Since this player is a recent addition to the game table, she's a good excuse to have a social event that doesn't involve the regular RPG, sort of to welcome her to the game. It doesn't have to be any particular kind of social event, as long as it doesn't involve the regular game other than conversation (after all, how can we resist teasing players for the dumb things they've done in campaign). And doing it with the rest of the players as well as your potential crush means that there will be plenty to talk about, everyone can have a good time, and there isn't that awkward singling-out feeling that might happen if it was an expressly one-on-one/getting to know you sort of thing. I think it's best if that one-on-one encounter just develops afterwards as people start to take off and head for home or get involved with some other side conversation.
The social event is a good sort of ice breaker to make it to that one-on-one encounter.

 

[Eeralai]

In particular, the risk I am seeking to minimize is the danger that my potential conduct might cause lasting discomfort resulting in her leaving the game.

If you are polite and respectful when asking her out, I don't see it causing a lot of future discomfort. If you run a good game, I'm betting she wouldn't leave just because you asked her out and she wasn't interested, at least I wouldn't in that situation. Some people have suggested that you ask her out to coffee after the game. This could be tricky if you wanted to do it away from the group. If she is one who lingers to talk after the game, I think it might be very likely that she is interested in you and finding an opportunity to ask her out will present it self easily. If you think it will be hard to get her alone because a lot of your players hang around to chat or she leaves for various reasons, I would just call her directly the day before game day and ask her out before or after your game. I would stay away from group situations because that seems to me to be procrastinating it further. If you haven't been able to tell if she likes you or not during your game, it's not likely you are going to pick up any clues in a group situation. Good Luck!

 

[xrpsuzi]

Not if I beat you to it. The problem with us gamers is that a lot of us have ANGS: Acute Nice Guy Syndrome, where you focus on making others comfortable to the point that you become oblivious to stuff. At least that's how it is in my case.

I will second that diagnosis. Being polite is nice. Being overly polite is creepy. Pretty soon you don't really have a personality of your own when you are with that person, which feels really weird on the receiving end. It's like your hanging out with cardboard, albeit really accomidating cardboard....

-Suzi