Epic player quotes


I have a player with a knack for understatement. Years ago we were playing Against the Cult of the Reptile God...they were exploring the village and were considering going down a set of steps below a house they suspected had something sinister about it. As they discussed the matter he quipped "It's only a basement. How bad could it be?" It turned out there were some lizardmen or troglodytes down there waiting to ambush them and they killed half the party. So that one gets recycled a lot at our table.

Last night he came up with another: "I told you this was a bad plan." Just as dead pan as can be. What was the cause of this statement? Well, the gnome bard had fallen in a 25' deep, 40' long pit full of carnivorous bushes. She had followed the halfling rogue who had made it all the way across the pit. Unfortunately the room at the other end was the lair of a giant two-headed snake that was now attempting to eat the halfling with all the other PCs still trying to figure out how to cross the pit (the wizard didn't want to cross it at all).

So the halforc barbarian decided to just leap into the pit Leeroy Jenkins style. The gnome was dying. The barbarian was faltering...so the cleric followed his lead after casting spirit guardians. It was a mess. I was thoroughly entertained. And that's when the mage just had to remind them that he was against this "plan" from the beginning...and then he cast fireball and reduced the evil bushes to so much ash and charcoal.

No one died in the end but it was close.

Your players ever come up with good one liners?

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We were playing through an adventure which had our PCs traveling down river on a boat, when jungle natives in canoes approached from both sides, threatening the party with spears. So the party cleric cast not only water walk but also enlarge person on the half-orc barbarian. Said barbarian then rages and races for one of the canoes. The attackers see a 12-foot-tall savage half-orc run up to them across the water, scoop up the front guy in the nearest canoe, hold him by his legs, and use him as a bludgeon to beat the other enemies in the canoes.

And that's when the player running the barbarian ad-libbed a line for the guy his PC was using as a club: "I hate my job!"



Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
I was running a sort of skill check on escaping a collapsing Frost Giant ice castle now inhabited by undead frost giants. Half the party was sledding down ice steps on shields, knocking frost giant zombies out of the way, with the rest of the party behind. The rogue had already missed a few rolls and was in back. The shield-sled team broke through a door to the outside at speed, only to find out it was an upper floor balcony. Falling damage ensues. Hey, still better then getting trapped in the falling castle. The rest of the group rolls and escapes - except for the rogue in back who gets a natural 1.

So I describe how they see him flat on his back near the balcony doors (several stories up from them), surrounded by zombie frost giants and about to have the ice tower collapse and kill him. I tell the rest of the party they have one action each to try to save him and start going around the table.

The quote: "Oh no, I don't want to see him die!"
The action that made it epic: The wizard then cast invisibility on the rogue.

To be fair, the wizard was thinking it would be useful for escaping the zombies and was hoping someone else would do something to stop the tower collapse, missing the more obvious "get him out of there" is easier if the rest of the party can see him.


Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
Okay, this one was done by me two and a half decades ago playing AD&D 2ed. We had a rather ... neutral party. Honorable but mercenary I guess would be the way to say it. Anyway, after a character death I brought in a priest of Mask, a god of theives. He was what I called "petty evil". Sure, he was funding a thieves' guild, but they didn't do assassinations. He was more out for himself and his god, rather than to perpetuate grand evil schemes. His defining characteristics where that he was lazy and glib. When the party found out he was a priest of Mash (he had joined the party posing as a priest of Shaundankl, god of travelers) the demanded to know why they should believe he wouldn't just rob them.

His response: I can rob you once for all of your shares, and spend the rest of my life watching my back against a powerful group of adventurers, or I can "work" a few days a month and each time take a full share which will end up as more in just a few months.

They let him stay. They all knew he was lazy, this made sense.

At a later point we were exploring those ancient ruins that centuries before belonged to a legendary fire giant wizard. Anyway, we looted most of it but were runnign very low on HPs and spells after what we thought was the final battle. (Oh, and softened up by DON'T FIREBALL THE "BEHOLDERS", THEY ARE REALLY GAS SPORES.) Anyway, we're collecting the big loot from a hidden, trapped place, touch this big ruby and poof, the legendary Fire Giant Wizard issues forth from where he had been trapped in it.

Oh $#!T.

He starts on this whole speech about "Who dares to loot his tower!" and such when I pipe up: "Actually, we're here to rescue you".

Fire Giant, switching gears: "Oh, okay. You shall be handsomely rewarded for your service to me!"

So, we released this very powerful Fire Giant wizard who used to enslave people. I did mention we weren't on the side of angels, right? Let some other adventuring party deal with it.

And they did.
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‘Wait... whaaaat? Oh my God!’
‘Well... @&$”’
‘Should we turn back?’
‘Can we turn back?’
‘We should have turned back’

That’s less a series of epic quotes than it is a montage of various players.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The PCs were purchasing supplies and the discussion turned to the various uses of stone salve - one of which is that if you rub it on your skin, it acts as a stoneskin spell.

One of my players asked whether it would work at all on a creature whose skin was already stonelike. "What if an earth elemental rubs on some stone salve?" she asked.

Without missing a beat, I answered, "He gets hard."



Lord of the Hidden Layer
This wasn't noticed by the rest of the table because I was hogging the spotlight at the time:

My Paladin is getting ready to jump in a lake to save the drowning rogue. I had the strongest guy in the group in tow. I said "I pull out my 50-foot rope, tie one end around my chest, and hand the other end to him."
The other player said, "You're not gonna..."
I didn't let him finish because I was on a roll: "And I jump in." (I was wearing full plate armor and we knew the lake was 30 feet deep.)

Later I realized the line was the classic reaction to my foolish-looking action.

Bill Reich

First Post
<Checking a door/One of the bozos behind me dropped something that made noise.>
Troll Voice: Who there?
Me: Door repair service?
<didn't work>


I was running an adventure where the PCs were chasing after a wizard. He levitated up a vertical shaft, and then started reaching into his bag of tricks and dropping animals down onto his pursuers who were standing at the bottom of the shaft trying to figure a way up.

As a result, I was probably the first person on the planet to ever utter the phrase, "Justaine, you take 6 points of falling goat damage."



“Skip the flavor text” - player to me when I was going to describe a scene. This one has really stuck.
“As an assassin, I <insert thing that is barely tangentially related to assassins>” - player who had 5 points in the assassin background in 13th age

“I haven’t swore all night!” Me, after having sworn at my friends house (he dislikes swearing in his house)

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